Why do we talk about childhood in therapy, and is digging up the past needed? Read how childhood experiences shape the present and how therapy works with them.
"I came here because of the tension at work, so why are you asking about primary school?" Many clients who are new to therapy either ask this question out loud in the first sessions or think it to themselves. Sometimes there is an objection beneath this curiosity too: "The past is in the past, and I don't want to blame my mother and father." This objection is entirely understandable. The answer to why we talk about childhood in therapy is not about getting stuck in the past or judging parents; it is about understanding what feeds our present-day reactions. In this article I explain how childhood experiences are reflected in adult life, how different therapeutic approaches look at the past, the limits of talking about the past, and why this process is not the same thing as blaming.
Why Do We Talk About Childhood in Therapy? The Short Answer
Childhood is the period in which a person learns their first "rules" about themselves, other people and the world. Beliefs such as "If I make a mistake, I won't be loved", "If I say what I need, they'll get angry" or "I must be strong, crying is shameful" are usually learnt not through words but through experiences. These lessons make sense, and are even protective, in the conditions of that time. The problem is that in adulthood the same rules carry on running automatically even though the conditions have changed.
When a therapist asks about childhood, they are usually trying to understand three things:
- The roots of the current problem: When did the anxiety, anger or sense of worthlessness you are experiencing now first appear, and under what conditions did it grow?
- Recurring patterns: Are similar scenarios being played out in different relationships and in different years?
- Unmet needs: Which of your core needs as a child, such as safety, love, acceptance, autonomy or limits, were not adequately met?
This information helps therapy find a more meaningful answer to the question "Why does it always turn out like this?"
In short, the answer to why we talk about childhood in therapy lies in the fact that today's problem has an "origin story". To understand why a plant leans in a certain direction, we look at where the light comes from; to understand why a person freezes, becomes angry or withdraws in certain situations, it is also helpful to look at the conditions in which that reaction first sprouted. This view does not see the person as a prisoner of the past. On the contrary, by acknowledging that the reaction once made sense, it prepares the ground for being able to make a different choice today.
How Do Childhood Experiences Affect Adult Life?
A child's brain and mind develop in order to adapt to their environment. A child who is frequently criticised tries to be flawless in order to avoid criticism. A child whose feelings are not taken seriously learns not to show their feelings. A child in a home where there is constant tension turns into a watchful observer, closely following the facial expressions of the adults. These adaptation strategies are a kind of survival skill under the conditions of childhood.
In adulthood, however, the same strategies can start to take their toll:
- The striving for perfection turns into burnout and a constant sense of not being good enough.
- Not showing feelings leads to distance and loneliness in close relationships.
- Being constantly on alert shows itself as anxiety and sleep problems.
Let's say someone grew up as the "good child who never caused trouble" among their siblings. When their mother was ill, they looked after their siblings and never voiced their own needs. Today, in their thirties, they take on extra tasks given to them at work without objecting, and come home exhausted in the evenings. While the question "Why can't I say no?" is being discussed in therapy, they may realise that this childhood role is still continuing today. This realisation does not blame the person; quite the opposite, it shows that a behaviour that was once very necessary can now be updated.
The aim of looking back is not to stay there, but to be able to read today's map more accurately.
Is Talking About the Past the Same as Blaming Your Parents?
This is one of the concerns clients raise most often, especially those who grew up in families with a strong sense that "you don't speak ill of your mother and father". In the first sessions, some clients sum up their childhood as "Everything was normal, we didn't lack anything", then pause while recounting a memory and say, "But saying this makes me feel as if I'm running my mother down."
Talking about childhood in therapy does not mean putting your parents on trial. It helps to clarify a few points:
- Love and shortcomings can exist side by side. Your parents may have loved you very much and at the same time been unable to meet some of your needs. These two truths do not exclude each other.
- Parents had their own circumstances too. Financial hardship, migration, pressures within the extended family and the burdens they carried from their own childhoods may have shaped their parenting. Understanding this does not diminish the impact you experienced, but it completes the picture.
- The aim is not to find out who was right. The aim is to understand how you feel today and what you would like to change.
- Your feelings are legitimate. Feeling hurt, angry or sad does not mean you are being ungrateful to your parents.
For some clients, this process also helps move their relationship with their parents to a more realistic and even closer place. This is because, instead of an idealised or completely rejected parent, they begin to see a human being with both strengths and shortcomings.
How Do Different Therapeutic Approaches View Childhood?
Not every therapeutic approach gives the past the same weight. Knowing this difference helps you understand what you can expect in therapy.
The psychodynamic approach
In psychodynamic therapies, childhood experiences and unconscious processes hold a central place. How early relationships are repeated in present-day relationships, including the relationship with the therapist, is examined in detail.
Cognitive behavioural therapy
CBT is generally focused on the "here and now"; it works on present-day thoughts, feelings and behaviours. However, this does not mean that the past is ignored altogether. Especially with recurring problems, the question "How did this core belief form?" is asked. For example, understanding which experiences fed the belief "I'm inadequate" makes it easier to question that belief today.
Schema therapy
Schema therapy is an integrative approach that places particular importance on the childhood period. According to this approach, when core emotional needs are not met, "early maladaptive schemas" develop: abandonment, defectiveness, emotional deprivation, failure, self-sacrifice and so on. When these schemas are triggered in adulthood, the person reacts far more intensely than the situation calls for. You can have a look at the article early maladaptive schemas and psychological resilience, which looks at this subject and its relationship with resilience. For the general framework of the approach, the article what is schema therapy may also be useful.
Why Talk About Childhood in CBT and Schema Therapy?
In cognitive and schema-focused approaches, looking back has specific and practical purposes. From the perspective of these approaches, the question of why we talk about childhood in therapy can be answered as follows:
- Building a formulation: the therapist and client draw up a "map" together: Which early experiences formed which beliefs, in which situations are these beliefs triggered today, and what does the person do to cope with them? This map sets the direction of therapy.
- Testing how realistic beliefs are: the belief "If I make a mistake, I won't be loved" may have been learnt in the circumstances of an eight-year-old child. Whether this belief is still valid in today's adult life can be questioned.
- Emotional processing: sometimes changing a belief through logic alone is not enough. In imagery work, the client returns in a safe setting to a difficult memory from the past and tries to meet, in their imagination, the need they had at that moment, either as their adult self or with the therapist's support.
- Developing self-compassion: a person who understands the origin of their present behaviour can look at themselves and say "I once learnt this reaction to protect myself" instead of "Why am I so weak?"
Is Going Back to the Past Always Necessary?
No. Not every therapy process requires talking about childhood in detail. With focused problems such as a specific phobia, exam anxiety or a recent crisis, the work can be largely directed towards the present. The past only comes up to the extent that it contributes to understanding the present.
In addition, in some situations it is necessary to wait for the right time to go back to the past:
- Before a relationship of trust has been built: going into intense traumatic memories in the first sessions can leave a person unprotected. A safe therapeutic relationship and emotion regulation skills are established first.
- During periods of crisis: if the person is experiencing an acute crisis, the priority is to ensure their current safety and functioning.
- When the client does not want to: in therapy, no subject is forced open. Saying "I don't want to talk about this right now" is entirely legitimate, and the therapist respects this choice.
Moreover, "uncovering" things you do not remember is not the aim of therapy. Leading techniques aimed at bringing repressed memories to the surface are considered ethically problematic because of the risk of creating false memories. What is talked about are the experiences that you remember and want to make sense of.
Preparing to talk about the past: what can you do on your own?
Talking about childhood in therapy can sometimes stir up intense feelings. To go into this process better prepared, you can try the following:
- Approach it with curiosity: ask the question "Why am I like this?" not as an accusation but out of genuine curiosity.
- Take small notes: when a reaction of yours feels out of proportion, note whether an old scene comes to mind in that moment. These notes provide valuable material for sessions.
- Remember both good and difficult memories: think about childhood not only through painful experiences but also together with the people and moments that nourished you. A grandfather, a teacher, a kind neighbour; these figures are also part of who you are.
- Leave time after the session: rather than going straight into a crowded setting after a session in which an intense subject has been discussed, plan a short walk or some quiet time.
- Respect your own pace: you do not have to recount a memory from beginning to end in one go; sharing it bit by bit, as much as you are ready to, is also enough.
- Tell your therapist how you feel: saying "This subject has really worn me out" or "I feel guilty talking about this" allows you to adjust the pace of the process together.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
If you think your childhood experiences are affecting your present, it may be helpful to see a professional in the following situations:
- If you keep living through the same painful scenario in different relationships.
- If memories of your childhood occupy your mind to the extent that they disrupt your sleep, your relationships or your everyday functioning.
- If you experienced neglect, violence or abuse as a child and its effects are still continuing. For the long-term effects of not being seen emotionally, the article on childhood emotional neglect may also offer some insight.
- If harsh self-criticism, feelings of worthlessness or shame are intense.
These experiences do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they become easier to make sense of when looked at from a professional perspective.
How Is Childhood Addressed in Therapy?
In individual therapy, childhood experiences usually come up naturally while tracing a present-day problem. In the first meetings, the therapist may ask about your family structure, the general picture of your childhood and adolescence, and significant losses and changes. After that, the work is shaped according to the client's goals.
This process generally follows these steps: defining the current problem, noticing recurring patterns, developing a shared understanding of where these patterns come from, testing old beliefs against present reality and trying out new behaviours. In some sessions a childhood memory is discussed at length, while in some weeks only an argument from that week is addressed. The therapist tries to build a bridge between the two time frames, with a question such as: "When your manager raised their voice this week, did what you felt resemble what you felt as a child when there was shouting at home?" These bridges help the client notice their own reactions earlier and see that they have more options about what to do in that moment. The past is not the aim of this process but a source that sheds light on the present. The goal of therapy is always for you to be able to make freer and more flexible choices in your life today.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does therapy work if I don't remember my childhood?
Yes. Many people do not clearly remember most of their childhood. What matters in therapy is not detailed memories but your current patterns and, as far as you remember it, the general emotional climate. Forcing missing memories to the surface is not the aim of therapy.
I had a happy childhood; should the past still be discussed?
A happy childhood has also shaped your current values, strengths and expectations. The therapist may ask about these subjects not to find problems but to get to know you as a whole. Sometimes small rules that do not look like problems can also explain present-day reactions.
Will talking about childhood make me more upset?
You may temporarily feel sad or tired after some sessions. This can be part of the process. However, the pace of therapy is set together with you; you do not have to go into a subject you are not ready for, and sessions are supported by emotion regulation skills.
Is understanding the past enough on its own to bring about change?
It is usually not enough. Awareness is an important step, but change often comes from trying out new behaviours, testing old beliefs in everyday life and building up different experiences.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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