Arranged Marriage: The Psychology of Marrying Someone You Barely Know, and Making a Healthy Decision

Struggling with an arranged marriage decision? Read about the psychology of marrying someone you barely know, questions to ask when you meet and warning signs.

An aunt, a neighbour or your mother's colleague says, "They're a lovely family, and their son is an engineer"; or the conversation begins with "Their daughter is a teacher, so well brought up." A week later you find yourself in a living room, a glass of tea in your hand, sitting opposite a stranger with whom you might consider spending your life. While the two families chat, the two of you exchange a few sentences. Then a few more meetings, perhaps a few phone calls… And one day someone asks: "Well, what do you think?" Arranged marriage (görücü usulü, literally "the way of the viewers") is a way of meeting that is still common in Turkey and is often lived in more varied forms than people assume. In this article we look at the psychology of marrying someone you barely know, the strengths and challenges of this path, and how you can listen to yourself during the decision-making process.

What Is an Arranged Marriage, and What Does It Look Like Today?

An arranged marriage is a form of marriage in which the partners are introduced to each other through their families, relatives or acquaintances, and the decision to marry is built on that introduction. In its traditional form, the two families come together, the young people see each other briefly, and the decision is usually made quickly.

Today, however, this path takes many different forms:

• The classic arranged introduction: The families organise the meeting, and the young people meet a few times in a family setting.
• An introduction through an intermediary: An acquaintance introduces two people; they then meet for a few months without involving their families and make the decision themselves.
• Semi-arranged: The introduction comes through the family, but the relationship develops in a way that resembles a dating period.

This variety makes it hard to split arranged marriage into two poles of "old-fashioned" and "modern." What matters is less the form of the introduction than how freely and consciously the decision is made. An arranged marriage is a way of meeting that a person chooses with their own consent; forced marriage is an entirely different situation and a violation of rights.

The Psychology of Marrying Someone You Barely Know

The question people marrying through an arranged introduction ask most often is: "How can I be sure when I know someone so little?" Several psychological processes lie behind this question.

Tolerating uncertainty

The human mind dislikes uncertainty. In an arranged introduction there is a great deal you do not know about the person in front of you, and the mind tries to fill these gaps in one of two ways: either it produces worst-case scenarios ("What if they turn out to be someone completely different after the wedding?"), or it idealises the person ("If their family is this nice, they must be perfect"). Both tendencies make a realistic assessment harder.

Idealisation and projection

In short acquaintances we tend to see the other person less as they really are than as the person we want them to be. Courtesy shown over a few meetings can be perceived as a personality trait that will last a lifetime. When this idealisation gives way to reality in the first months of marriage, disappointment can follow.

The shadow of family approval

In an arranged marriage, the families are at the centre of the process. On the one hand this is reassuring; on the other, it can make it harder for a person to hear their own feelings. The thought "If my family wants this so much, they must know something" can drown out your own hesitation. When this pressure combines with a more general marriage pressure, the decision can become not yours but that of time and the people around you.

Does love come later?

Many people have grown up with the saying "Love comes afterwards." There is some truth in it: in relationships built on respect, trust, shared experiences and mutual care, a deep bond can form over time. But for that bond to develop, a basic sense of respect, trust and liking needs to be present from the start. It is not realistic to expect such a bond to appear by itself with someone towards whom you feel no attraction, ease or respect.

The Strengths of Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriage is often discussed only in terms of its risks. Yet this path has some strengths too:

• Shared values: Families usually introduce people with similar values, lifestyles and world views. This can reduce some of the fundamental areas of conflict in a marriage.
• Family support: The families being involved in the process from the start can mean a strong support network during difficult periods of the marriage.
• Realistic expectations: Couples who set out with the goal of building a life together, rather than with romantic idealisation, can begin their marriage with a more practical mindset.
• A conscious choice: For some people, an arranged introduction offers a chance to choose a spouse by clarifying their needs and priorities, away from emotional turmoil.

For these strengths to work, the most important condition is that the decision is made freely and with enough information.

Challenges You May Face in an Arranged Marriage

On the other hand, this path has its own particular risks.

Hasty decisions: Pressure from the families or the community, such as "What are you waiting for?", can lead a person to decide before they feel ready.

Superficial acquaintance: In meetings held in a family setting, people usually present themselves as positively as possible. How they behave in difficult situations, how they express anger or what their everyday habits are like remains unseen.

Unspoken expectations: In short acquaintances, a couple can move into marriage without having discussed fundamental subjects such as children, money, work, family visits and housework sufficiently.

Hidden information: It is possible that intermediaries or families, so as "not to spoil the match," do not pass on important information (past relationships, health conditions, debts, addictions).

The difficulty of saying no: Once a relationship has begun to form between the families, saying "I don't want to marry this person" can feel like embarrassing the intermediary or the families.

Warning signs to watch for

Some behaviours should be taken seriously even in a short acquaintance:

• Constantly evasive answers to your questions, or important subjects being put off with "We'll talk about it after we're married,"
• Your opinions, your work or your family being belittled,
• Interference with your clothes, your friendships or your phone before you are even married,
• Heavy pressure on you or your family to speed up the decision,
• Clear contradictions between what the intermediary or the families say and what the person themselves says,
• A rude or demeaning attitude towards a waiter, family elders or anyone they see as "weaker" than themselves.

When you notice one of these signs, you do not have to reach a conclusion immediately; but ignoring them with "It'll get better with time" is not right either. Asking about the issue directly, and paying attention to the answer and the reaction, will tell you a great deal.

Coming from a good family may be a precondition for being a good spouse, but it is not proof of it; getting to know someone takes time and the right questions.

Questions You Can Ask When You Meet

The most important way to make a healthy decision while knowing someone only a little is to use the meeting process consciously. The following headings can help you move your conversations from small talk to a meaningful acquaintance.

Everyday life and expectations

• What would you like everyday life to look like? How do you spend your weekends?
• How do you imagine sharing housework and responsibilities?
• What are your expectations of me and of yourself when it comes to working life?

Family and boundaries

• What kind of relationship do you want to have with our families after we marry? Do you want to live in the same house, nearby or far away?
• In which of your decisions does your family have a say? What do you do when you disagree with your family about something?

Values and the future

• Do you want to have children? If so, when?
• What place do religion, traditions and religious holidays have in your life?
• What does money mean to you? Saving, spending, supporting family?

Conflict and emotions

• What do you do when you're angry? How do you make up after an argument?
• What do you need when you're going through a hard time?

It is important to ask these questions not as if it were an exam, but out of curiosity about each other. How the other person approaches the questions tells you as much as their answers: open or evasive, defensive or curious?

How Can You Listen to Your Own Inner Voice?

When making a decision through an arranged introduction, the many voices coming from those around you can make it hard to hear your own. The following steps can help.

Take notes after your meetings. After each meeting, write a few sentences about how you felt: Was I at ease? Could I be myself? Was the conversation enjoyable, or forced? After a few meetings these notes will show the direction of your feelings more clearly.

Distinguish between "They're not a bad person" and "I want a life with them." It is important that the person in front of you is kind, respectful and good; but on its own that is not enough for a decision to marry. Ask yourself: "Do I want to spend time with them? Am I curious about them?"

Separate your family's views from your own. Draw two columns on a sheet of paper: "What my family thinks about them" and "What I feel about them." Look at how far the two columns overlap.

Give yourself time. If you feel pressured to decide, it is entirely legitimate to tell your family and the other side, "We'd like to get to know each other a little better." A few extra weeks spent with the right person make a lifelong decision more solid.

Meet in different settings. Meetings that always take place in the same living room, alongside the same family elders, show only one side of the person in front of you. Walking through a busy market, sorting something out together, waiting in traffic or spending a day together when a plan goes wrong lets you see how they behave under stress. Meetings of this kind, held briefly and in safe settings with the families' agreement, can be among the most instructive moments of getting to know each other before marriage.

Let's say that after three meetings you found the person in front of you respectful and thoughtful, but when you are together you constantly feel as tense as if you were in a job interview. To understand whether this tension comes from the natural nervousness of getting acquainted or from a real incompatibility, you could suggest meeting a few more times somewhere more relaxed, outside the family setting.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

• If you feel you cannot hear your own wishes because of pressure from your family or community,
• If you have serious doubts about someone you met through an arranged introduction but cannot share them with anyone,
• If you are experiencing intense anxiety, sleeplessness or low mood during the decision-making process,
• If, after marrying, you are struggling to bond with your spouse and feel alone,
• If you are facing a situation in which you are being forced into a marriage you do not want.

How Is the Decision About an Arranged Marriage Addressed in Therapy?

In individual therapy, people trying to decide whether to marry through an arranged introduction have the opportunity to explore their own values, expectations and worries. The therapist's role is not to make the decision, but to create space for the person to make their own.

Within a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) framework, thoughts such as "If I miss this opportunity, no one else will ever come along" or "I can't disappoint my family" are examined. How these thoughts affect the decision, and what more balanced perspectives might look like, are assessed together.

From the perspective of attachment theory, a person's relationship with closeness and security can also be explored. For example, someone who tends to avoid closeness may find the distanced structure of an arranged introduction reassuring, while someone with an anxious attachment tendency may find the uncertainty unbearable. For more on this, have a look at our article on attachment styles.

For couples who have married through an arranged introduction, the process may focus on getting to know each other, developing a shared language and overcoming the challenges of adjustment in the early period of marriage. For these couples, the first months are in fact a time when the dating period is lived alongside the marriage; discovering each other's habits, ways of showing love and vulnerabilities requires patience and curiosity. If needed, this process of discovery can be supported with couple sessions.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does love come later in arranged marriages?

In relationships built on respect, trust and mutual care, a deep bond can form over time. For this, however, it is important that there is at least a basic sense of liking and ease at the start. Whether love develops depends on both people being willing to get to know each other and to invest in the relationship.

After how many meetings should we decide?

There is no number that applies to everyone. What matters is that you can talk about the fundamental issues, see each other in different settings and feel that your decision comes from your own wish rather than from pressure. For some people this may take a few weeks, for others a few months.

I feel nothing, but they're not a bad person either. What should I do?

Someone being a good person is not, on its own, enough reason to want to marry them. This feeling may come from the nervousness of getting acquainted; a few more meetings may help you see whether that is so. But if the sense of emptiness continues as time passes, taking it seriously is your right, and the other person's right too.

• #arranged marriage
• #decision to marry
• #family
• #introductions

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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