Back-to-school costs overwhelm many parents each September. We explore the anxiety and guilt this burden brings, and how to talk to children about money.
It is the last week of August. The stationery list sent by the teacher lands in the school WhatsApp group: how many exercise books, which brand of colouring pencils, how many folders, and a separate note headed "contribution to our school". Just below it, messages from parents asking how much the school bus fee will be this year line up one after another. You are sitting at the kitchen table with the calculator open, looking at uniform prices on one side and remembering rent day on the other. Your child calls from the next room to ask whether they can have a new bag, and something catches in your throat. Back-to-school costs are a burden that strains many families' budgets every September, but whose real weight is felt in the parent's inner world, as anxiety, guilt and a sense of inadequacy. In this article we talk about the psychological side of this burden, how it affects children and ways of getting through this period a little more lightly.
Why Do Back-to-School Costs Feel So Heavy?
What makes back-to-school costs heavy is not only the total amount. The timing of these expenses, the fact that they cannot be avoided and the meaning they carry also make the burden bigger.
Everything comes at once
Stationery, books, uniforms, shoes, bags, the school bus, meal fees, courses and activity costs are usually squeezed into a period of a few weeks. Coming straight after the extra spending of the summer holidays, this burden catches many families unprepared. In families with more than one child, the total multiplies.
Hidden items continue all year
When the first shopping trip in September is over, the costs do not stop. Materials requested for project homework, school trips, class activities, a Teachers' Day present, practice exams, shoes that become too small in the middle of the year... These hidden items mean the parent can never relax and say, "Right, we've got through this month too." Every new WhatsApp message brings a small wave of tension with the possibility of a new expense.
They cannot be postponed
Many expenses can be put off or given up. But because a large part of school costs relates directly to the child's education, the parent feels they are at the point of "I have to do this." The sense of having no choice deepens the stress.
They are seen as a measure of parenting
Many parents see being able to meet their child's school needs as a sign of being a good parent. The thought "If I can't even buy my child an exercise book, what use am I?" turns a financial difficulty into an experience of personal failure. Yet much of this difficulty stems from economic conditions beyond the person's control.
The pressure of comparison
School is one of the settings where children and families compare themselves with others the most. Other children's branded bags, new phones or the places they went on their summer holidays can create a sense of lacking something in both the child and the parent. Shopping photos shared in parents' groups add to this pressure.
The Psychological Effects of Back-to-School Costs on Parents
Financial pressure leaves concrete marks on the mind and body. As the school term approaches, the following signs may be seen in parents:
- Constant calculating: the mind being constantly occupied with budget sums before falling asleep, on the road and at work.
- Sleep problems: waking up at night and thinking about debts, payments and lists.
- Irritability: reacting with unexpected harshness even to children's small requests.
- Guilt and shame: feeling inadequate because you cannot buy something your child wants, and trying to hide this from others.
- Tension between partners: frequent arguments about spending priorities.
- Physical symptoms: headaches, stomach problems, constant tiredness.
- Worry about the future: long-term concerns such as "If this year is so hard, how will I send them to university?"
These signs are part of the general effect of financial hardship on mental health. We discussed this general effect in more detail in our article on the cost of living and mental health.
How Do Children Sense Financial Stress?
Parents often think they can hide financial hardship from their children. Yet children notice tension at home far better than adults imagine. Phone conversations held in low voices, sighs while looking at a bill and the frequently repeated "Not now" leave the impression in a child's mind that something is not right.
Let us think of a mother of three. This year, her eldest starting high school, her middle child needing the school bus and her youngest starting reception class all fall in the same September. While the mother does her sums at night, one day the middle child comes over and says, "I'll go with my old bag; we can sew up the tear." The mother is both moved and heartbroken at these words, because her nine-year-old has started to take the family's worries onto his own shoulders.
Financial stress can affect children in different ways:
- Suppressing their wishes: some children start to hold back from voicing even their needs.
- Guilt: thinking "Mum and Dad are upset because of me."
- Shame: feeling embarrassed in front of friends because they are missing materials, and withdrawing at school.
- Anxiety: carrying worries about the family's future that are not appropriate for their age.
- Anger: especially in adolescents, anger and rebellion against parents over things they cannot have.
Children often express these feelings not in words but in behaviour. Not wanting to go to school, complaining of tummy aches, evasive answers to questions about their friends or being quieter than usual can be signs that a child is struggling with something. When you notice these signs, asking with curiosity and in a gentle tone rather than interrogating keeps the door to conversation open.
You may not be able to buy your child everything; but you can show them that problems can be talked about and overcome together.
How Can You Talk to Your Child About Back-to-School Costs and Money?
Hiding money from children completely is no healthier than sharing the whole burden with them. The aim is to find language that is honest and suited to the child's age, but that does not weigh them down.
Openness suited to their age
There is no need to give young children long economic explanations. A simple and reassuring sentence such as "This year we're going to choose carefully what we buy; we'll definitely get what you need, and we'll save some of the things we want for later" is enough. With adolescents, it is possible to speak a little more openly and to involve them in planning the budget.
Separate needs from wants together
Preparing a list with your child and talking about which items are really necessary and which are wants both eases the budget and gives the child an important life skill. Valuing the child's opinion while you make this distinction helps them feel part of the process too.
Say "no" without guilt
Not being able to say "yes" to every request does not mean you are a bad parent. Saying "We can't buy this right now, but I understand how much you want it" both keeps the boundary and acknowledges the child's feeling. You can find different ways of explaining to children that there is no money in our article on telling a child "we can't afford it".
Do not make the child carry the burden
Sentences such as "Do you know how much we spend on you?" or "We won't be able to pay the rent this month because of school" place the responsibility for a problem outside the child's control on the child. Talk about financial difficulties with your partner or another adult, and take care that the child does not overhear these conversations.
Practical Suggestions for Reducing the Stress of Back-to-School Costs
You may not be able to change economic conditions on your own; but you can take steps to lighten the emotional burden of this period.
Prioritise and spread the spending
Rather than squeezing all the shopping into the first week of school, try identifying the priority needs and spreading the rest over a few weeks. By asking, you may find out that not every item on the teacher's list is needed on the first day.
Consider sharing and reusing
Passing books and materials between siblings, sharing second-hand uniforms and textbooks with relatives or neighbours, and swap events organised by school cooperatives or parents' groups can ease the budget. It is important to see this not as a shortcoming, but as a sensible choice.
Communicate with the school
Telling the school management or the school counsellor that you are having financial difficulties may feel hard. Yet many schools have support available for pupils in need. As for the parent–school association or requests for contributions, you can contribute as much as you are able; you do not need to feel pressured about this.
Make a small preparation for next year
One way of lightening the load of September is a small preparation spread across the year. However small the amount you can set aside each month, putting it to one side as a "school envelope" can ease both the budget and the mind next September. The smallness of the amount does not matter; the real gain is feeling that part of the control is in your hands.
Stay away from comparison
Shopping photos shared in parents' groups or "back to school" content on social media can lead you to focus on what you do not have. Being exposed to less of this kind of content during this period protects your mind.
Be on the same team as your partner
During periods of financial stress, partners can easily start blaming each other. Talking about the budget together, agreeing on priorities and making decisions jointly protects both the relationship and the child's sense of security.
Make room for your own feelings
The anxiety, anger or shame you feel in the face of back-to-school costs are a sign not that you have failed as a parent, but that you are facing a difficult situation. Sharing these feelings with someone you trust reminds you that you are not alone. We also discussed the effect of prolonged financial pressure on parenting in our article on parental burnout.
Notice small achievements
In times of financial pressure, the mind sees only what is missing. Yet completing part of the list, a calm conversation with your child about the budget and second-hand books from a neighbour are small but real achievements. Looking back over your day in the evening and noting down a few things you managed offers a balancing perspective against the thought "Nothing is ever enough."
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The tension at the start of the school term is usually temporary. However, in the following situations it may be helpful to get support from a mental health professional:
- If financial anxiety has been affecting your sleep, appetite and daily functioning for a long time
- If angry outbursts towards your children have become more frequent and you feel intense guilt afterwards
- If arguments about money with your partner have become uncontrollable
- If you carry an intense sense of worthlessness, inadequacy or hopelessness
- If you notice signs of withdrawal, shame or anxiety at school in your child
How Are Financial Stress and Parental Anxiety Addressed in Therapy?
Therapy does not solve a financial problem directly; but it helps a person understand how they are coping with that problem, what they think about themselves and their family, and how these thoughts affect their feelings.
Within a cognitive behavioural therapy framework, thoughts such as "If I can't buy my child everything, I'm a bad parent" and "It will never get better" are examined, and more realistic alternatives are developed. Work is done on skills for coping with anxiety, problem-solving and communicating with a partner.
In some parents, the burden of this period can also bring back experiences of deprivation from their own childhood. A schema therapy perspective can help to understand how feelings of inadequacy or defectiveness carried from childhood are reflected in today's experience of parenting. The individual therapy process can support the parent in developing a more compassionate attitude towards themselves while carrying this burden.
Frequently Asked Questions
I can't buy the branded items my child wants and I feel guilty. What should I do?
Not being able to meet all your child's wishes does not mean you do not value them enough. Setting a boundary in clear language while showing that you understand their feelings teaches the child more valuable things in the long run. If the guilt becomes heavy, it can help to look at what this feeling is based on.
Should I hide back-to-school costs from my child?
Hiding them completely is usually not possible; children already sense the tension at home. A short, reassuring explanation suited to their age creates less anxiety than silence. However, the family's whole financial burden or the details of debts should not be shared with the child.
The parent–school association is asking for a donation, but my budget won't stretch. What can I do?
Contributions of this kind are not compulsory, and you can contribute as much as you are able. Sharing your situation calmly with the school management or the school counsellor is usually met with understanding. Take care not to compare yourself with other parents on this.
My teenager is angry with me because of our financial situation. Is this normal?
In adolescence, comparison with peers and the need to belong are intense; feeling angry about things they cannot have is an understandable reaction. Listening to their anger, not taking it as a personal attack and involving them in the budget process too can strengthen your relationship. If the anger lasts a long time and strains your relationship, support is available.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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