Is bringing a child into this world the right thing? Read how financial and future anxiety shape the parenthood decision and how to talk it through as a couple.
At the holiday dinner table, the same question comes up again: "So, when are we going to see a grandchild?" You smile and change the subject, but the car is silent on the way home. Finally your partner asks: "Do you really want it, or are you just scared?" You don't fully know the answer yourself. Part of you imagines holding a baby in your arms; the other part thinks about rent increases, nursery fees, earthquake news, a warming world and wars. Whether bringing a child into this world is the right thing to do has, in recent years, become a question that turns quietly in the minds of many couples and that can't quite be talked about with anyone. In this article we won't try to make the decision for you, because this decision belongs to you alone. Instead, we will look at the feelings that make this question so heavy, ways of separating anxiety from realistic assessment, and how you can talk about this subject more healthily as a couple.
Why Has Bringing a Child Into This World Become Such a Hard Question?
In the past, having children was, for many families, a natural and almost unquestioned continuation of marriage. Today this decision has turned into a set of scales on which many factors are weighed at once.
Economic uncertainty. The high cost of living, rent increases, being unable to buy a home, job insecurity and the cost of childcare make the question "Can we give a child a good life?" very concrete. Many couples, while struggling to make ends meet themselves, hesitate to take on responsibility for a child.
The direction the world is heading. Climate change, natural disasters, pandemics and news of war paint dark pictures of the world in which a child would grow up. For some people the question "Is it unfair to a child to bring them into a world like this?" carries a moral weight.
Career and identity. For women in particular, having a child can bring with it the worry of falling behind at work, giving up on their own goals and having their identity reduced to the role of "mother".
A shrinking support network. The arrangement in which the extended family lived together and grandmothers naturally took part in childcare has changed in many cities. Couples living as a nuclear family in another city think they will carry this burden on their own.
Parenting images on social media. On one side, perfectly arranged children's rooms, organic meal plans and a new activity every week; on the other, posts from parents worn out by lack of sleep. These two extremes can give the impression that parenthood is either something that must be impossibly perfect or a burden too heavy to bear. Real-life parenthood, however, usually lies somewhere between the two and is made up of ordinary days.
Their own childhood experiences. For someone who had a difficult childhood, the fear "What if I repeat the mistakes my parents made?" can deeply affect the decision-making process.
Is It Anxiety Talking, or a Realistic Assessment?
Both anxiety and common sense play a part in this question. Separating the two is not easy; but being able to do so lets you look at the decision more clearly.
A realistic assessment is usually concrete, rests on particular information and reaches a conclusion or a next step. Saying "With our current income we can't cover nursery fees; let's talk about it again in two years when our work situation is clearer" is a realistic assessment.
Anxiety, on the other hand, usually has these features:
- It is limitless: When one worry is answered, a new one appears. Even if income rises, "What if there's an earthquake?" comes next, and once that has been discussed, "What if there's a climate catastrophe?"
- It demands certainty: The feeling "I can't decide without being sure everything will be all right." Yet no parent has that certainty.
- It is focused on catastrophe: Among the possible outcomes, only the worst are seen.
- It postpones: The decision is constantly left for "a more suitable time", but that time never comes.
Let's say you are a thirty-four-year-old couple, both working. Every year you say "Next year." First you waited to move house, then for a promotion, then for the economic situation to improve. Each time one obstacle was overcome, a new one took its place. One evening, when you sit down and talk, you realise that you both actually want a child but have been waiting for perfect conditions. In the same way, another couple might discover in that same conversation that they would both in fact prefer a life without children, but have been reluctant to say so out loud. This realisation does not make the decision by itself; but it opens the door to talking about which worry is a real obstacle and which is anxiety in a new disguise.
We have discussed in detail how anxiety about the future works in general in our article on future anxiety.
Not Having Children Is Also an Option
There is a point that is often overlooked in this conversation: not having children is also a legitimate, conscious and valuable life choice. Some people and couples realise, regardless of the economy or the direction the world is heading, that they want to build their lives without children.
In Turkey, this choice is still frequently questioned. Sentences such as "Who will look after you when you're old?", "A marriage isn't complete without children" or "You'll regret it later" make it harder for a person to hear their own wishes. This expectation from family elders and those around you can shape the decision-making process according to other people's expectations rather than your own values. You can find out how to cope with this pressure from those around you in our article on pressure to have children.
What matters, whichever direction it goes, is that the decision reflects your values, your wishes and your realistic circumstances; that it is not made by fear, shame or pressure.
When Partners Want Different Things
Often the hardest situation is when the two partners stand in different places on this issue. One feels ready while the other is anxious; one definitely wants a child while the other doesn't want one at all; or one is undecided while the other grows impatient.
The common traps in this situation are:
- Never raising the subject: Putting it off for years so as to avoid an argument creates a silent distance.
- Turning it into a battle of persuasion: Every conversation becoming a negotiation aimed at convincing the other side puts both partners on the defensive.
- Dismissing the feeling: Sentences such as "Your worry is ridiculous" or "You always take everything to heart" leave the partner feeling misunderstood.
- Threatening with time: Pressure along the lines of "You're getting older" doesn't make it easier to decide; it increases anxiety.
At times, pressure related to age is added to these conversations. Particularly from the mid-thirties onwards, some couples feel forced to decide with the question "If we wait, will it be too late?" Rather than worrying on the basis of hearsay, having your individual situation assessed by a doctor provides a realistic footing. Once the information about timing is clear, the decision can be discussed in the light of knowledge rather than anxiety.
For a healthier conversation, the first step is to try to understand your partner's perspective before trying to change it. Questions such as "What does this decision mean to you? What are you most afraid of? What would make you feel more ready?" turn the conversation from an argument into an exploration.
Questions to Ask Yourself When Deciding About Bringing a Child Into This World
The questions below don't give a definitive answer; but they can help you distinguish between your thoughts and your feelings. You can try answering them first by writing on your own, and then by talking them through with your partner.
If I put my fears aside, what would I want?
Imagine for a moment that the economic worries and the direction the world is heading were resolved. In that case, would you want a child? This question helps you see the wish beneath the fear.
Which of my worries are concrete, and which are limitless?
Write your worries down on a piece of paper and, next to each one, add the answer to the question "Can I take a concrete step about this?" A plan can be made for the concrete ones; the limitless ones are anxiety's territory.
Whose voice is this decision speaking with?
Is what you want or don't want really yours, or is it the voice of your parents, the people around you or social media? Distinguishing your own voice can take time.
Can we make the financial picture concrete?
As long as the thought "Children are very expensive" stays vague, the anxiety grows. Drawing up a realistic draft budget lets you see which items are affordable and which are a strain. Sometimes this reduces the anxiety, and sometimes it produces a concrete reason to wait. Both are firmer ground.
Which option involves loss?
Both having and not having a child involve some losses: one means giving up part of your freedom, time and resources; the other means giving up an experience and a dream. Accepting that both options have a cost eases the misconception that the "right" decision should be painless.
How can we strengthen our support network?
If you are thinking of having a child, talk about what you can do so as not to be alone: family, friends, neighbours, workplace provisions. The presence of support increases tolerance of uncertainty. Talking with friends who have children about the real day-to-day of parenthood, offering to look after a relative's child for a weekend, or asking your own parents openly how far they will be able to be there for you can turn abstract fears into more concrete information.
Is postponing the decision a conscious choice?
Sometimes the right step is not to decide for now. But there is a difference between vague postponement and conscious postponement. Saying "We're not ready right now; in a year, when these conditions are clearer, we'll talk about this again" gives the subject a place in both your minds and stops it from erupting again at every holiday dinner and in every argument. Even jotting a small note in the calendar can reduce the extent to which the question keeps turning in the back of your mind.
No parent can promise their child a flawless world; but they can show them how to live with love, honesty and resilience.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is entirely natural to struggle with such an important decision. However, getting support from a professional may be helpful in the following situations:
- If, whenever the subject comes up, you constantly argue as a couple or fall completely silent
- If indecision has been leaving you anxious, unhappy or sleepless for a long time
- If experiences from your own childhood make the idea of parenthood frightening
- If family pressure is clearly affecting your relationship and your mood
- If you are deeply divided from your partner on this issue and feel uncertain about the future of the relationship
For couples who find it hard to talk about this subject together, couples therapy can offer a safe space where both sides are heard.
How Is the Decision About Parenthood Addressed in Therapy?
The therapist's job is not to make this decision for you or to steer you in one direction. The aim is to help you make your decision free of anxiety, pressure and guilt, in a way that is consistent with your own values.
In individual work, fears about parenthood, the person's own family history and childhood experiences are addressed. From a schema therapy perspective, the roots of deep beliefs such as "I can't be a good mother" or "Life could go wrong at any moment" are explored.
With cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques, catastrophising thoughts and the need for certainty are examined, and problem-solving skills are developed for concrete worries.
Drawing on the acceptance and commitment therapy approach, what the person values is clarified: connection, freedom, productivity, passing something on to the next generation... Seen this way, bringing or not bringing a child into this world is treated as one of the different ways of putting values into practice, and a direction in line with those values can be chosen even if the anxiety does not disappear.
In couples therapy, the two partners' wishes, fears and expectations on this subject are discussed without blaming each other. The couple's shared values and the kind of life they want to build together are made visible. Even where different wishes cannot be reconciled, this process makes it easier for the couple to make their decisions more respectfully and consciously.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it selfish not to want children because of anxiety about the future?
No. Thinking about the life you could offer a child is a sign of a sense of responsibility. However, if anxiety alone is determining the whole decision, it may be helpful to take time to distinguish your wishes from your fears.
Should we wait until our financial situation improves?
Waiting for a concrete, achievable goal can make sense. But if the definition of "improving" changes every time, it is worth considering whether waiting has become a way of managing anxiety. A realistic budget and timeline make this distinction easier.
My partner wants a child and I'm not sure. What should I do?
First try to understand the reasons for your own indecision and share them with your partner without blame. Focusing on understanding each other rather than persuading each other makes the conversation more productive. If you are struggling, talking with a professional present can help.
Will I regret it later if I don't have children?
Nobody can know the future for certain; with either option, the thought "What if I'd chosen the other path?" may come up from time to time. When you make your decision in line with your own values, it becomes easier to make peace with these thoughts when they arise.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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