Pressure to Have Children: Coping with the When Are You Having a Baby Question

How does pressure to have children wear couples down? Answers to the when are you having a baby question from family, and how to take a shared stance.

Three months after the wedding the first question arrives, half-joking, at a henna night: "So, when are we getting the good news?" A year later the question becomes serious: "Is something wrong?" Two years on, your mother-in-law sighs over Sunday breakfast: "If only I could see a grandchild before I die." The neighbour glances at your stomach in the lift. At a celebration at work someone says, "You're next." These questions never stop, and each one strengthens a little more the feeling that everyone except the two of you has a say in this matter. Pressure to have children is a burden that most married couples in Turkey face at some point, but most brush it off with a smile. For some, these questions are merely irritating; for others, they are a needle stuck right into the middle of years of treatment, a miscarriage, or a decision not yet made. In this article we look at where this pressure comes from, how it affects couples, and how you can deal with these questions while protecting yourselves and your relationship.

What Is Pressure to Have Children? The Hidden Side of "When Are You Having a Baby?"

Pressure to have children is when a couple faces expectations, questions and comments from family, relatives, friends or colleagues about whether and when they will have children. This pressure can show itself in different ways:

• Direct questions: "When are you going to have a baby?", "What are you waiting for?"
• Warnings: "You're getting older", "You'll want one later and it won't happen", "A marriage without children doesn't last"
• Comparisons: "Your cousin got married after you and she already has two"
• Emotional loading: "I want to see a grandchild before I die", "It's your mother's only wish"
• Hints and jokes: Exchanged glances of "Is she...?" when a drink is turned down, gifts of baby clothes
• Practical interference: Recommendations of religious healers, herbal remedies and doctors; "Go to this doctor, everyone got pregnant with him"

Most of these questions are well-meant, or at least believed to be. The person asking is usually curious, wants to share in some joy or is voicing their own expectation. But a sentence that takes a few seconds for the asker can carry a much heavier load for the one who has to answer.

Why Do We Hear This Question So Often?

Marriage and children are seen as one package

For many families in Turkey, the natural continuation of marriage is a child. A child is seen as "completing" a family. That is why a marriage without children can be perceived by those around as incomplete or temporary.

The wish to become grandparents

For parents, a grandchild is a new meaning and continuation of their own lives. Especially for parents who have retired and whose homes have gone quiet, the hope of a grandchild seems like an answer to their own loneliness and fears about ageing. Behind the sentence "If only I could see a grandchild before I die" there is often a fear of death and loneliness.

Blurred boundaries

In an extended family culture, a couple's decisions are often seen as "family business". Who marries when, where they live and how many children they have are among the topics anyone can comment on. A subject that might be considered private in Western societies is part of dinner-table conversation here.

The silent pressure of social media

Pressure doesn't always arrive as a question. Pregnancy announcements one after another on Instagram, gender reveal parties, first-steps videos; babies appearing in old school friends' WhatsApp profile pictures... Even if nobody asks you anything, these images can feed a feeling of "Everyone is moving on and we've been left behind." When you notice this feeling, it can help to remember that what you see on screen are selected moments from other people's lives, and if necessary to mute some accounts for a while.

Expectations directed at women

The vast majority of these questions are aimed at the woman. A woman's age, her "biological clock", her career and her body are under far more scrutiny. The husband, meanwhile, usually just gets a jokey "Come on, lad." This imbalance means women experience the pressure much more intensely. For a similar period of pressure before marriage, you can also read our article on pressure to marry; for many couples, the question "When are you getting married?" turns into "When are you having a baby?" right after the wedding.

How Does Pressure to Have Children Affect Couples?

This pressure can leave its mark on couples at both an individual and a relationship level:

• Anxiety and anger: Tension before family gatherings, making up excuses to avoid the questions, anger that lasts for hours after a gathering
• Social withdrawal: Avoiding festival visits, weddings and meet-ups with friends who have children
• Tension within the couple: Pressure from one partner's family turning into blame between the partners: "Say something to your mother!"
• A distorted decision-making process: Deciding to have a child just so the questions stop, without really considering whether it is wanted
• Feeling inadequate: Especially for women, the question "Is something missing?" seeping into their identity
• Losing the joy of the relationship: The discovery and sharing of the early years of marriage being overshadowed by a constant expectation from outside

Under this pressure, some couples decide to have a child at a time when they are not actually ready. The pregnancy and baby years that follow such a decision can be far more challenging for a couple who were caught unprepared.

The Unseen Stories Behind the Question

Most people who ask "When are you having a baby?" don't know what the couple in front of them is going through. Yet the answer to this question is not always "We haven't thought about it yet." Behind the silence there may be stories like these:

• Fertility problems: Treatment going on for months, perhaps years, IVF attempts, hope and disappointment every month
• Pregnancy loss: A miscarriage no one was told about, a grief carried in silence
• Financial worries: The reality of "We can't afford a child right now" in the face of rent, the cost of living, job insecurity and nursery fees
• Health problems: An illness or medication that makes pregnancy risky
• Indecision or reluctance: One or both partners not being ready yet, or not wanting children at all
• Worries about the world: Deep hesitation about bringing a child into this world because of earthquakes, economic uncertainty or climate anxiety; our article on bringing a child into this world may offer some perspective

If a couple has no children, waiting with love rather than asking why is usually the kindest approach.

Let's say a couple who have been in treatment for three years face the same question at every festival visit. At the end of the week in which she learned that a new IVF attempt had failed, the woman goes to her mother-in-law's house. At the table a relative asks, "What are you still waiting for?" and everyone at the table laughs. She goes to the bathroom and cries, then washes her face and returns to the table. Her husband only finds out what happened on the drive home that evening. From that day on, the couple decides to share the treatment process with their two closest people and to tell the elders, "We'd like to ask you not to bring this up any more."

How to Answer the "When Are You Having a Baby?" Question

There is no single answer to pressure to have children that works for everyone. Who is asking, how close you are to them and how you are feeling at the time determine the answer you give. You can use the following options according to your needs:

Short answers that close the subject

For distant relatives, neighbours or colleagues, a short answer is usually enough:

• "We'll share it with you when the time comes."
• "That's something between the two of us."
• "We're very happy as we are for now."

These answers are not rude; they simply indicate that the subject is private.

Explanatory answers for loved ones

You may want to be a little more open with people close to you, such as your parents. But you decide how much to share: "Mum, we're thinking about it too, but we feel under pressure every time we're asked. If anything happens, you'll be the first to know – promise." A sentence like this both eases their worry and sets the boundary.

Sharing the truth

If you are experiencing fertility problems and want to share it, saying so sometimes makes the questions stop. Saying "We've been trying for a while and this is a very sensitive subject for us" can help the other person empathise. But you don't have to share this; protecting your privacy is entirely legitimate too.

Drawing a clear line

If the questions continue persistently and wear you down, a firmer sentence may be needed: "Talking about this upsets us; we'd like to ask you not to bring it up any more." Saying this can be hard, but it helps the relationship stay healthy in the long term.

Finding Common Ground as a Couple

The most powerful way to cope with pressure to have children is for the couple to stand on the same side. To do this, it may help to talk about the following:

• What do we really want? Setting aside your families' expectations, do you both want children? When? Once which conditions are in place?
• How much will we share? With whom do you want to share information about treatment, miscarriage or your decision-making?
• Who will answer whom? Each partner answering the questions from their own family prevents the daughter-in-law or son-in-law from carrying the burden alone.
• How will we behave in which settings? If one of you struggles at the festival table, a wedding or in the family group chat, how will the other support them? Agreeing on a shared signal, a way to change the subject or a plan to leave early can help.

If one partner wants a child and the other does not, pressure from outside can sharpen this internal disagreement further. In that case you first need to talk between yourselves, setting the voices outside to one side.

Finally, take care that your relationship doesn't revolve around this subject alone. Going for walks together, visiting a new city or taking up a shared hobby reminds you that your marriage as it is today is valuable too. With or without children, a couple is already a family.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Talking to a professional may be helpful in the following situations:

• Family gatherings have become a serious source of anxiety and you have started avoiding them
• You argue with your partner every time you discuss children
• You are experiencing intense sadness, hopelessness or anger during fertility treatment or after a pregnancy loss
• You can't tell whether you are deciding to have a child because you truly want to or because of the pressure
• Your sleep, appetite or energy has been disrupted for a long time

How Is This Pressure Addressed in Therapy?

Couples therapy makes room for partners to discuss their real wishes, fears and expectations about children in a safe setting. Pressure from outside is separated from the couple's own decision, and how each partner can set boundaries with their own family is planned together.

Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "If we don't have children my family will never accept us", "A woman without children is incomplete" or "It would be rude to answer this question bluntly" are examined. The source and accuracy of these thoughts are questioned; more balanced perspectives and concrete communication skills are developed. Answers to difficult questions can be rehearsed in sessions.

For couples going through fertility treatment or pregnancy loss, therapy addresses the grief, uncertainty and strain on the relationship that this process brings. Partners may differ in how they support each other during this time; differences such as one wanting to talk while the other wants silence become understandable in therapy.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should we tell our family that we don't want children?

This is entirely your decision, and you don't need to be ready for it. Some couples find that saying it openly reduces the questions; others find their family struggles to accept the decision. If you decide to tell them, it is easier to do it together as a couple and at a calm moment.

We're going through IVF and nobody knows. How can we get through the questions?

Short answers that close the subject are very useful during this period. Telling one or two people you trust about the situation can give you an ally who will protect you at family gatherings. Skipping some crowded gatherings during this time is also a legitimate way of protecting yourself.

My mother-in-law says "I want to see a grandchild before I die" and I feel guilty. What should I do?

Understanding her wish and being obliged to fulfil it are different things. You can see the loneliness and fear of ageing behind this sentence, and show her attention in other ways. But the decision to have a child is not one to be made to meet someone else's emotional needs.

My friends talk about their children all the time and I feel left out. Is this normal?

Yes, when life stages diverge, distances like this can form in friendships. Sharing your feelings with a close friend, finding common interests beyond children, or connecting with people at a similar stage of life to you can ease this feeling.

• #having children
• #family pressure
• #marriage
• #couple relationship

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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