How does being compared to others affect a teen's self-esteem and bond with family? Why parents compare, what to say instead and how young people can cope.
"Look, Auntie Ayşe's son got into the science high school." This sentence is said at the dinner table as if passing on news, perhaps without any ill intent. At the other end of the table, a fifteen-year-old puts down their fork, bends over their plate and does not speak again that evening. What is an ordinary piece of information for the parent is, for the young person, the message "You are not good enough" repeated once more. Being compared to others is one of the wounds that many young people in Turkey hear most often while growing up, yet one of the least talked about. In this article we look at why comparison leaves such deep marks on young people, why parents compare, what can be said instead, and how young people overwhelmed by being compared can cope.
Why Does Being Compared to Others Hurt So Much?
Adolescence is a period in which young people ask intensely, "Who am I, what am I, what am I worth?" During this time, identity is still taking shape, and judgements from outside, especially those from the most important people, namely the parents, easily settle into that identity.
Comparison gives the young person an indirect but powerful message: "To be loved and accepted, you need to be like someone else." This message can lead them to see their own qualities, interests and pace as worthless. If the person they are compared with is a sibling, matters become even more complicated, because the young person begins to have mixed feelings towards both their parent and their sibling.
Moreover, comparison is rarely a one-off. When the same sentence is repeated in different forms and in different settings for years, the young person no longer perceives it as individual incidents, but as their family's general opinion of them.
Another painful aspect of comparison is that the young person has no room to defend themselves. When they say, "But I'm studying too", they are met with "Then why can't you do as well as them?" In the end they learn to keep quiet. From the outside this young person seems silent; inside, they are writing an increasingly negative story about themselves.
The Most Common Forms of Comparison
Comparison is not always open and direct. Sometimes it appears as a question, sometimes as a sigh, sometimes as praise for someone else.
- Comparison with a sibling: "When your sister was your age, she tidied her own room." This can become the basis of ongoing rivalry and resentment between siblings.
- Comparison with relatives: Cousins' school reports, the schools they got into, the awards they won; these come up often at family gatherings.
- Comparison with neighbours' or friends' children: "The neighbour's son got in, why didn't you?" Here the parent's own standing in their social circle is often involved too.
- Comparison with the parent's own youth: "At your age I was working and studying at the same time." This presents the conditions of a different era as a yardstick for today's young person.
- Implicit comparison: Talking at length about another child's success, or showing the young person a success story shared on social media. Even if no direct comparison is spoken, the young person gets the message.
Why Do Parents Compare?
Most parents do not mean to hurt their child when they compare. Behind comparison there are usually other intentions and feelings.
The Hope of Motivating
The most widespread belief is that comparison will "fire up" the young person and get them moving. The sentence "Look, if they can do it, so can you" is said in this hope. Most young people, however, hear it not as encouragement but as criticism, and the result is not motivation but withdrawal.
The Parent's Own Anxiety
The rising cost of living, the difficulty of finding work and an uncertain future make parents anxious about their children's future. Comparison can be an outward form of this anxiety: "What if they fall behind, what if they can't build a good life?"
Their Own Childhood Experiences
Parents who themselves grew up being constantly compared often carry this on without noticing. This pattern has become a parenting language passed down from generation to generation.
Social Pressure
The worry of "What will people say?" leads many families in Turkey to see their child's success as a family matter. At family gatherings, in chats with neighbours and in parents' conversations outside the school gate, children's achievements can be treated as a kind of indicator of social status.
The Shop Window Magnified by Social Media
Today comparison happens not only in conversations with neighbours but on screens too. Photos of merit certificates landing in parents' groups on report day and congratulatory posts shared after exam results lead parents, without realising it, to compare their own child with this shop window. What is seen on the screen is only each family's brightest moment; but when these moments are lined up one after another, their own child's ordinary day can start to look inadequate to the parent.
Understanding these reasons does not justify comparison; but it shows where change can begin. Often, when parents attend to their own anxiety, the comparison aimed at the young person decreases too.
What Does Being Compared to Others Do to a Teenager?
Over time, some common marks can be seen in young people who are constantly compared.
A Sense of Conditional Worth
The young person may start to believe that they only deserve love and acceptance when they reach a certain level of success. The belief "I am only worthwhile if I succeed" can turn into a lasting inner critic that may continue into adulthood.
Perfectionism or Giving Up
Some young people push themselves excessively to outdo the person they are compared with and never find any achievement enough. Our article on perfectionism may give you some insight here. Others give up entirely, saying, "I'll never be as good as them anyway." Both reactions feed on the same wound.
Tension Between Siblings
A young person compared with a sibling may feel envy, anger or distance towards them. The praised sibling may also be uncomfortable with the situation, because they feel they must constantly keep up the role of the "good child". Comparison can turn siblings into rivals.
Damage to the Parent–Teen Relationship
A young person who feels compared shares less with their parent. They do not talk about their failures, their problems or even their successes, because they think every disclosure will turn into a comparison. Over time, communication breaks down. For conflicts with parents during adolescence, see also our article on parent–teen conflict.
Hiding and Concealing
A young person who knows that every low mark will turn into a comparison may learn not to bring their exam paper home, or to brush off a practice exam result with "It hasn't been announced yet". What looks from the outside like a problem with honesty is often an effort to protect themselves from the shame that comparison creates. As concealment grows, the parent's trust decreases, control increases and the cycle deepens.
Anxiety and Low Mood
Being compared to others for a long time can, in some young people, pave the way for a constant sense of inadequacy, anxiety in social settings and a low mood.
What Can Be Said Instead of Comparing?
Giving up comparison does not mean giving up interest in the young person's development. What changes is the yardstick.
When you compare a child not with someone else but with their own yesterday, you teach them both to grow and that they are valuable, at the same time.
A few examples:
- Instead of "The neighbour's son got in": "I can see how much you've progressed in maths this year."
- Instead of "When your sister was your age, she tidied her room": "Shall we make a plan together for sorting out your room?"
- Instead of "At your age I was working": "What's the hardest thing for you at the moment?"
- Instead of "Why can they do it and you can't?": "How can I help you with this?"
Noticing the young person's strengths and putting them into words is also important. Not every young person stands out academically; some shine in art, sport, relationships, practical skills or kindness. Having these areas seen helps the young person feel valuable as a whole person.
Let's say a fourteen-year-old girl comes back from a swimming race in fourth place. In the car her father says, "The neighbour's daughter came first last month; she goes to training every morning." The girl looks out of the window in silence and doesn't want to go to training the following week. If the same father were to ask, "You were two seconds faster than in the last race; how did you do that?", it would both make her effort visible and move the conversation to her own experience. The difference lies in the direction of a single sentence.
An apology from a parent who notices they have been comparing is also an extremely powerful step. A sentence such as "I realised I've been comparing you with your cousin; that was unfair. You have your own path" can soften long-accumulated hurt and shows the young person that it is possible to make mistakes and repair them.
For Young People Overwhelmed by Being Compared
This section speaks directly to young people.
The anger, sadness or shame you feel when you are compared is entirely understandable. These feelings show that you sense your worth cannot be determined by someone else's success.
- Express the feeling. Saying to your parent at a calm moment, "When you compare me with others, I feel inadequate", is not an accusation but a disclosure. Many parents do not realise the effect of comparison until they hear this sentence.
- Set your own yardstick. Comparing yourself with how you were last month gives you a fairer assessment.
- Pay attention to your inner voice. After a while, even if you no longer hear the comparison from others, you may be repeating it in your own mind. Noticing this voice is the first step towards changing it.
- Protect your bond with your sibling. If the person you are compared with is your sibling, remembering that the problem lies not in them but in the comparison being made helps protect your relationship.
- Put some distance between you and the shop window on the screen. The scores, school places and study hours your peers share double the burden when combined with your family's comparisons. Muting this kind of content for a while can give your mind some relief.
- Get support. Talking to an adult you trust, your school counsellor or a professional makes it easier to share the load.
Sometimes your parent may not be open to this conversation straight away; they may become defensive or say, "I'm only saying it for your own good." This does not mean what you said was wasted. Many parents think again about a sentence they heard days later and gradually change their behaviour. Reopening the conversation at another time, perhaps through a letter or a message, is also an option.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
An occasional comparison does not always leave a lasting mark. In the following situations, however, it may help to seek support from a professional:
- The young person constantly feels inadequate, worthless or "always behind"
- Rivalry and resentment between siblings markedly affect the atmosphere at home
- The young person has largely cut off communication with their parents
- Intense perfectionism, anxiety or fear of failure makes daily life difficult
- The young person is in marked unhappiness, withdrawal or hopelessness; if thoughts of self-harm or not wanting to live are present, call 112 (emergency services) immediately
How Are the Marks of Comparison Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, the work focuses both on the young person's experiences of being compared and on the marks these experiences have left on how they see themselves. The young person learns to notice where thoughts such as "I'm not good enough" or "Others are always ahead of me" come from, and to question them.
In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, the evidence for these thoughts is examined and a more balanced inner voice is developed. Recognising beliefs formed early in life, such as "conditional worth" and "inadequacy", helps the young person build a more compassionate relationship with themselves.
Sessions with the family make room for parents to notice their patterns of comparison, understand the anxieties behind them and develop a more supportive language with their teenager. For more information about work with adolescents, see the adolescent counselling page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Doesn't comparison ever motivate?
Some young people may react with a short burst of ambition; but this motivation is usually based on anxiety and is not sustainable. In the long run, comparison can weaken the intrinsic motivation that feeds on the young person's own interest and curiosity. Language that focuses on their own development provides more lasting motivation.
I've realised I compare my child; what should I do?
Having noticed this is an important step. Talking to your teenager at a suitable moment and acknowledging that this behaviour was unfair begins to repair the relationship. Then making it a habit to replace comparison with sentences that notice their own development can take time; patience is needed.
Is it possible to treat siblings equally?
Because every child is different, treating them all exactly the same is neither possible nor necessary. What matters is that each child feels their own particular needs are seen and that their worth is not measured against a sibling. Spending time with each child separately strengthens this feeling.
Does being compared to others continue to have an effect in adulthood?
Some people who were constantly compared in childhood and adolescence may continue to compare themselves with others in adulthood. This can show itself in working life, in relationships and in social media use. Noticing these patterns and seeking support if needed makes change possible.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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