Telling a son that boys don't cry can teach him to hide his feelings rather than make him strong. Learn, step by step, how to respond when your boy is crying.
A seven-year-old boy starts sobbing at the side of the pitch when his team loses a neighbourhood football match. His father comes over, pats him lightly on the back and says, "Come on, my lion, wipe your eyes, boys don't cry." The child wipes his eyes, bites his lip and doesn't say a word all the way home. At dinner he snaps at his younger brother for no reason. "Boys don't cry" is a piece of advice many men in Turkey have heard since childhood, usually said with love and "so that he'll be strong". But what this advice teaches a child is often not strength; it is hiding feelings. In this article we look at the price that suppressing boys' emotions can carry, the role crying plays in development, and how you can stay alongside your son when he cries.
Where Does the Phrase "Boys Don't Cry" Come From?
There is usually no ill intent behind this phrase. Parents want their son to be resilient in the face of life's difficulties, not to be mocked, not to be "pushed around". They pass on the advice they heard from their own father, grandfather and the elders of the neighbourhood as a way of protecting him.
Gender expectations play a decisive role here too. In many families, girls crying is more readily accepted, while boys are expected from an early age to "stand tall" and "act like a man". Expressions such as "Don't cry like a girl", "You're a big man now" and "My lion of a son doesn't cry" are everyday reflections of this expectation. Masculine roles such as military service, providing for the family and being "the pillar of the home" help reinforce this message from childhood onwards.
The message often begins much earlier than we think. The warning "He's a boy, don't pick him up too much or he'll get soft"; a two-year-old boy being hauled straight to his feet with "Nothing happened, up you get" when he falls, while his sister is picked up and comforted; a boy crying at nursery being told "Look, even the girls aren't crying"... Each of these small moments may seem trivial, but taken together they teach the child a clear rule: your sadness is less acceptable than other people's.
Some of these expectations are a cultural inheritance, and parents themselves grew up within that inheritance. For this reason it is more useful to approach the subject through awareness rather than blame.
What Does Crying Do for a Child?
Crying is one of the most basic forms of human emotional expression. In infancy it is the main way of signalling needs; at later ages it is a bodily release of feelings such as sadness, disappointment, fear, anger and sometimes intense joy.
Crying serves several important functions for a child:
- It lightens the emotional load: Many children calm down after a good cry; their breathing settles and they can go back to playing.
- It is a call for help: Crying tells the adults around them, "I'm struggling right now, stay with me."
- It builds connection: A calm, compassionate adult staying with a crying child strengthens trust between child and parent.
- It teaches emotional regulation: Through the adult beside them, the child experiences that a difficult feeling can come and go, and that it can be coped with.
This last point is especially important. Children learn to regulate their emotions not on their own but first together with an adult. We explain in detail how this process works in our article on emotional regulation in children.
What Does the "Boys Don't Cry" Message Teach a Child?
When a crying boy is told "Boys don't cry", he may draw several lessons from the sentence. Most of them are quite different from what the parent intended.
"What I feel is wrong"
The child learns that his sadness, fear or disappointment is not accepted. The feeling doesn't disappear; it simply becomes something that has to be hidden. This can feed a sense in the child that "There's something wrong with me."
"Love depends on my hiding my feelings"
A child who thinks he must hide his feelings to win his parents' approval may choose to withdraw into himself in hard times instead of asking for help.
"The only accepted feeling is anger"
In many families, boys' crying is suppressed while their anger is more easily tolerated. In this case "softer" feelings such as sadness, fear and shame gradually hide behind anger. The child who cannot cry shouts, hits and throws things.
"Let my body do the talking"
Feelings that cannot be put into words sometimes show themselves in the body. Frequent stomach aches, headaches, sleep problems or behaviours such as nail biting can be signs of emotional tension that has found no outlet. These symptoms always need to be looked at through a medical assessment; but their emotional side should not be overlooked either.
Teaching a boy not to cry doesn't make him any less sad; it only makes him a child who cannot show his sadness to anyone.
Boys Whose Emotions Were Suppressed, as Adults
Men whose feelings were suppressed in childhood may continue the same pattern in adulthood. Some of the pictures commonly seen in clinical practice are:
- Difficulty asking for help: Many adult men see emotional struggle as a weakness and put off seeking support for a long time. The distress is only noticed when it has grown very large or a loved one insists.
- Difficulty recognising and naming feelings: In adults who answer the question "How do you feel?" with "I don't know, fine I suppose", this difficulty often goes back to a family atmosphere in childhood where feelings were not talked about.
- Anger and tension: Sadness and anxiety coming out as anger can cause problems in work and family relationships.
- Depression going unnoticed: In men, depression does not always show itself through sadness and tears. It can appear as restlessness, a short fuse, burying oneself in work or screens, and withdrawal.
- Problems with closeness in relationships: Fathers who find it hard to open up emotionally to their partner or children may, without realising it, pass the same message on to the next generation.
This does not mean that every man who grew up being told "boys don't cry" will inevitably face these problems. Childhood experiences are just one factor among many. But recognising this pattern helps us both to understand our own childhood and to offer our children a different experience.
What Can You Do When Your Son Cries?
To support your son in growing up emotionally healthy, you don't need to raise him "soft". The aim is to show that strength and emotional expression are not opposites.
Name the feeling
Instead of "Don't cry", give the feeling a name: "You're really upset that you lost the match", "You were hurt when your friend didn't let you join the game." A named feeling becomes more manageable, and over time the child learns to recognise his own emotions.
Allow the crying, set limits on behaviour
Crying is allowed; hitting someone or throwing things is not. The sentence "You can be angry, you can cry; but I won't let you hit your brother" both accepts the feeling and keeps the limit. Separating feeling from behaviour is one of the core principles of positive parenting.
Stay with him
Often what the child needs is not a solution or a lecture but a calm presence. Sitting beside him, rubbing his back, or simply saying "I'm here" may be enough. Once the crying has passed, you can talk about what happened if he wants to.
Don't rush to fix it
Quick distractions such as "Come on, it's over, let's get an ice cream", however well meant, can teach the child that his feeling must be made to disappear immediately. Giving the feeling a little room lets it settle by itself.
Share your own feelings
Children learn most by watching. As a father, saying "I miss your grandad, I'm feeling a bit low today", or your son seeing your eyes fill up during a film, shows him that feelings are natural for men too. We discuss the father's role in this more broadly in our article on the father's influence on the child.
Expand his emotional vocabulary
Through books, games and everyday conversation, increase your son's stock of feeling words: hurt, disappointed, tense, embarrassed, proud, excited. Even a small dinner-time ritual in which everyone shares the "hardest" and "nicest" moment of their day makes a difference.
Find age-appropriate ways
For a preschool child, a hug, being rocked on a lap or pressing a favourite toy to his chest is soothing. A primary school boy may be more inclined to talk about his feelings while doing something side by side rather than face to face: the question "Did anything bother you at school today?" asked in the car, while building Lego together or kicking a ball around, gets an answer far more easily than when he is sat down opposite you and asked. A teenager, meanwhile, may not want to be seen crying; in that case knocking on his door, saying "I'm here if you want to talk" and giving him space is worth more than insisting.
Decide how to respond to messages from others
When a grandfather, uncle or teacher says "A man doesn't cry", you can talk to your son afterwards: "Grandad thinks that way; that's how he was taught in his day. In our home everyone is allowed to be sad and to cry." This is one way of passing your own values on to your child without clashing with the older generation.
Boys in Times of Loss and Major Change
The death of a loved one, moving house, parents separating, or major events such as an earthquake are the periods when boys struggle most with their emotions. Sentences such as "You're the man of the house now" in particular can place a responsibility far beyond his years on a boy's shoulders after a loss. A child who has lost his father, or whose father works far away, may be unable to grieve because of this sentence.
After the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, a similar picture was seen in many families: while the adults wrestled with fear and grief, boys were expected to "support their mother" and "keep an eye on their siblings". Some of these children, who looked calm and mature on the outside, went on months later to experience nightmares, outbursts of anger or attention problems at school. A child's calm does not always mean he is all right. A role of strength that does not suit his age can simply lead to feelings being postponed.
In such periods, telling the child not that he must "be strong" but that he is allowed to be sad is very valuable. Rather than hushing a boy who cries at a funeral or during condolence visits, being with him shows him that grief is an experience that can be shared.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In some situations it can help to consult a child or adolescent psychologist:
- If your son hardly ever expresses his feelings and seems unresponsive even to upsetting events
- If his outbursts of anger are frequent, intense and greater than expected for his age
- If no medical cause has been found for recurring complaints such as stomach aches or headaches
- If withdrawal, sleep problems or a marked drop in school performance appear after a loss or traumatic event
- If, as a teenager, he talks about intense unhappiness, hopelessness or thoughts of harming himself
If thoughts of self-harm or of ending his life are involved, take this seriously, do not leave your child alone and seek support from a specialist without delay. If there is immediate danger, call 112 (emergency services).
How Is Emotional Expression in Boys Supported in Therapy?
Young boys often express their feelings not in words but through play. In child-centred play therapy, a child can express his anger, fear and sadness without being judged, through cars, figures, sand or drawing. The therapist noticing and reflecting these feelings helps the child put names to his emotions and accept them. You can find information about this process on the child and play therapy page.
With school-age children and adolescents, the cognitive behavioural approach is used to work on recognising feelings, noticing bodily signals and exploring the emotions beneath anger. Parent sessions, meanwhile, open up space for the mother and father, and especially the father, to review their own habits of emotional expression.
Frequently Asked Questions
My son cries very often. Is this normal?
Some children are more sensitive by temperament and experience their feelings more intensely. This in itself is not a problem. If the crying makes daily life noticeably harder and affects school and friendships, talking to a specialist can offer guidance.
If I let him cry, won't he be teased at school?
Over time children learn to judge how much of their feelings to show in which setting. A child who knows his feelings are accepted at home copes more easily with difficulties outside. If peer teasing is involved, it is also important to talk to the teacher.
His father never shows his feelings. Does this affect the child?
Children model themselves on their parents. A father never sharing his feelings can give the child the message that this is the expected behaviour. Even the father starting with small steps, for example by saying how he feels about his day, makes a meaningful difference.
Does supporting a boy emotionally make him weak?
No. Children who recognise and can express their feelings usually cope with difficulties in healthier ways. Resilience comes not from ignoring feelings but from being able to stay standing alongside them.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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