Teaching Children Emotion Regulation

What is emotion regulation in children and how does it develop? Age-appropriate, step-by-step tips for teaching children to cope with anger and disappointment.

A two-year-old lying on the ground because they don't want to leave the playground, an eight-year-old throwing the remote control after losing a match, a five-year-old crying for hours when a friend won't let them join the game... What these scenes have in common is that the child has met an intense feeling and does not yet know how to manage it. Emotion regulation in children is not a skill they are born with; it is an ability learnt over the years, with the support of adults. In this article we look at what emotion regulation in children is, how it develops by age, what signs children who are struggling show and the concrete steps you can take at home.

What Is Emotion Regulation in Children?

Emotion regulation is a person's ability to notice the feelings they experience, to name them, to adjust their intensity and to express them in a way that suits the situation. It does not mean suppressing feelings or "never getting angry". On the contrary, it means allowing difficult feelings such as anger, sadness, fear and disappointment to be experienced, while preventing them from completely taking over behaviour.

Healthy emotion regulation skills positively affect a child's friendships, school success, self-confidence and later mental health. Children who can recognise and manage their feelings are more flexible and resilient in the face of difficulties.

Brain Development and Emotion Regulation

The areas of the brain that play a role in regulating our emotional responses, especially the region just behind the forehead (the prefrontal cortex), continue to develop through childhood and adolescence. For this reason, it is not realistic to expect a young child to stay calm like an adult. A child first learns to regulate their feelings with the help of an adult, that is, through co-regulation. Over time this support from outside is internalised and the child learns to calm themselves.

How Does Emotion Regulation Develop by Age?

Infancy and Ages 0-2

Babies are entirely dependent on their carers to regulate their feelings. Being picked up, rocked and hearing a calm tone of voice soothe a baby's nervous system. Consistent and responsive care in this period forms the foundation of emotion regulation skills later on.

Ages 2-5

In this period children experience feelings very intensely but still find it hard to express them in words. Tantrums, crying fits and saying "no" are common in this age group. The child begins to learn to name their feelings and simple ways of calming down. To cope with tantrums, you can take a look at the article on tantrums in children.

Ages 6-10

School-age children can express their feelings better and begin to use calming strategies. But new sources of stress also appear, such as friendship problems, school success and following rules. In this period the child may also learn to hide their feelings, so a safe setting where they can share their inner world is important.

Age 10 and Over

As they approach adolescence, hormonal changes, the growing importance of social relationships and brain development can increase emotional ups and downs. The skills gained in earlier years become an important support in this period.

Signs in a Child Who Is Struggling With Emotion Regulation

Every child finds it hard to manage their feelings from time to time. But if the following signs are seen frequently and intensely, the child may need extra support in this area:

• Angry outbursts that are more frequent and longer-lasting than expected for their age
• Reacting very intensely to small disappointments
• Taking a very long time to calm down
• Frequent hitting, biting and throwing things
• Never expressing feelings, bottling everything up
• Frequent physical complaints such as stomach ache and headache
• Constant conflict in friendships
• Difficulty adapting to changes and transitions

These signs on their own do not mean a diagnosis. They can also be related to different factors such as distractibility, anxiety or a stressful event the child has been through.

What Causes Difficulty With Emotion Regulation?

• Temperament: Some children are born reacting more intensely and quickly.
• Modelling: Children learn by watching how their parents behave under stress. A child who grows up in an environment where there is a lot of shouting may learn that anger is expressed by shouting.
• Invalidating feelings: Sentences such as "There's nothing to cry about" and "Don't exaggerate" teach the child that their feelings are wrong and make it harder for them to recognise their feelings.
• Stressful life events: Events such as divorce, moving, loss and earthquakes strain a child's emotional resources.
• Academic and social pressures: Heavy programmes of extra classes, exam-focused preparation starting at an early age and constant comparison can increase a child's emotional load. Children with no time left for rest and free play become exhausted more quickly.
• Sleep and nutrition: It is much harder for a tired, sleep-deprived or hungry child to manage their feelings.
• Screen use: Long periods of screen use with fast-moving stimuli can be linked in some children to impatience and intense anger when limits are set. The moment of coming away from the screen is one of the most difficult transitions of the day in many homes.

How Do You Teach Emotion Regulation in Children? Step-by-Step Suggestions

1. Regulate Your Own Feelings First

When your child is in the grip of an intense feeling, your staying calm is the strongest support you can offer. If you feel angry, take a deep breath and wait a few seconds. If necessary, showing your own regulation process by saying "I'm really angry right now too, I'm going to take a breath and then we'll talk" offers the child a very valuable model.

2. Name the Feeling

Name your child's feeling with sentences like "You look angry", "Leaving the park made you sad", "You got very cross when your brother took your toy". Giving a feeling a name has a soothing effect on the child's brain. This method is sometimes called "name it to tame it".

3. Accept the Feeling, Set a Limit on the Behaviour

Every feeling is acceptable, but not every behaviour is. "It's completely normal to feel angry. But I won't let you hit your brother. You can show your anger by punching a pillow or by telling me." This approach teaches the child both that their feelings matter and that limits exist.

4. Widen the Feelings Vocabulary

Children's feeling words are often limited to "happy", "sad" and "angry". When reading books, watching films or in everyday chats, use a wider range of feeling words such as "disappointment", "jealousy", "embarrassment", "pride" and "worry". Feelings cards or drawings of faces showing feelings are fun tools for this.

5. Help Them Notice Clues in the Body

With questions like "What happens in your body when you get angry? Do your fists clench, does your face go hot?", help your child recognise the traces feelings leave in the body. Noticing a feeling early makes it easier to step in before it explodes.

6. Prepare a Calming Toolbox

Together with your child, make a list of methods that help them calm down:

• Balloon breathing: Taking a deep breath in through the nose to fill the belly, then blowing out slowly through the mouth
• The turtle technique: "Pulling into the shell" like a turtle and taking three deep breaths
• Drinking water, washing the face
• Squeezing a stress ball, kneading play dough
• Listening to a favourite song
• Spending time in a "calm-down corner" with cushions and favourite books

A calm-down corner should not be a place of punishment but a safe space the child can use to pull themselves together.

7. Practise in Calm Moments

Emotion regulation skills are learnt not in the most intense moments but in calm ones. Trying to teach your child a breathing exercise in the middle of a meltdown often doesn't work. Practise these skills regularly in everyday games, before bedtime or during a calm chat.

8. Use Play

Play is the natural way for children to express feelings and learn to regulate them. Acting out with puppets, the "statues" game and games like "red light, green light" improve impulse control. For the role of play in child development, you can read the article on the importance of play.

9. Repair and Review Afterwards

Once the storm has passed, talk to your child calmly: "You got really angry just now. What happened? What can we do next time?" This conversation should be in a tone that looks for a solution together rather than one that blames. If you have shouted too, apologising shows the child how repair is done in a relationship.

10. Don't Overlook Basic Needs

Regular sleep, balanced nutrition, movement outdoors and enough free-play time are invisible but very powerful supporters of emotion regulation. When trying to understand why a child so often "explodes", it helps to look at these basic needs first.

11. Plan Difficult Transitions in Advance

Moments of transition, such as going home from the park, leaving a game to come to a meal or turning off the tablet, are the times children find hardest. You can soften them by giving notice in advance: "We're leaving the park in five minutes, you can go down the slide two more times." With screen use, setting the time together before starting, using a timer and switching off after waiting for the end of a part of the game reduce conflict. Say a seven-year-old shouts and cries every evening when the tablet is switched off. When the parent sets the switch-off time together with the child, gives a reminder ten minutes beforehand and plans a short activity the child likes for after the screen, they may observe that the reactions gradually soften. The aim here is not to remove the child's disappointment completely but to build a structure they can cope with.

A child learns to calm down next to a calm adult. Your steady breathing helps them find their own.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Getting support from a child psychologist can be useful in the following situations:

• If angry outbursts are much more frequent, longer and more intense than expected for their age
• If the child is harming themselves or others
• If emotional difficulties clearly affect school, friendships and family life
• If the child seems constantly sad, anxious or withdrawn
• If there has been a marked change in their behaviour after a stressful life event
• If the methods you have tried as a parent are not working and you feel helpless

Seeking support does not mean you have failed as a parent. On the contrary, it shows that you have noticed your child's needs and are taking a step to help them gain new skills. Support received early can contribute to small difficulties being addressed before they grow and to reducing tension in the family. In this process, staying in touch with your child's teacher also makes it easier to build a consistent approach at home and at school.

If marked difficulties with attention and impulse control are also present, a child and adolescent psychiatry assessment may be needed for a comprehensive evaluation.

How Is Emotion Regulation in Children Addressed in Therapy?

Child and play therapy is an effective approach for supporting emotion regulation skills in young children. In child-centred play therapy, the child expresses their feelings through play in an accepting and safe setting. The therapist's reflecting the child's feelings and, when necessary, setting limits, allows the child both to recognise their feelings and to experience self-control.

With school-age children, the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be used, adapted to the child's age. The child learns the link between thoughts, feelings and behaviour through simple examples, gains calming skills and works on problem-solving steps.

Sessions with parents are an integral part of this process. Parents learn how to respond to the child's feelings, how to set limits consistently and how to manage their own feelings. This is because a child's emotion regulation skill develops largely within their relationship with their parents.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will letting my child cry spoil them?

No. Crying is a natural way for a child to express a feeling. Allowing them to cry and being there with them shows that their feelings are accepted. Giving in to everything they want in return for crying is a different matter; it is possible to accept the feeling and hold the limit.

Is it right to send my child to their room when they are angry?

Punishing a child by leaving them alone expects them to cope with their feelings by themselves, which is usually hard for young children. Instead, staying with the child and keeping them company while they calm down, or using a calm-down corner that you have set up together, can be more supportive.

At what age does emotion regulation develop?

Emotion regulation skills begin in infancy and continue developing through adolescence and into young adulthood. Different skills are gained at each age. For this reason, it is important that expectations suit the child's age and level of development.

I am a very short-tempered parent too. How can I set an example for my child?

Noticing this is an important start. Developing your own emotion regulation skills gives your child the strongest teaching of all. Recognising what triggers your anger, giving yourself a break and, when needed, getting individual support can help in this process.

• #emotional development
• #anger management
• #parenting
• #child psychology

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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