Brain drain is not just a career decision but an emotional journey. Read about the guilt, loneliness and identity questions emigrants face, and how to cope.
You worked for years, prepared for exams, went to language courses and filled in application forms until the early hours. In the end the acceptance came, the visa was granted, the suitcases were closed. From the outside, yours is a success story: a good job, a regular salary, a more predictable future. But some evenings, sitting in a quiet flat in your new city, you feel a heaviness inside that you cannot name. Brain drain is often talked about as an economic and career-driven decision; yet for the person who leaves, it is also a deep emotional journey. In this article we look at the psychological side of brain drain, the feelings that emigrants often go through, its effect on family and relationships, and concrete steps you can take to look after yourself.
What Is Brain Drain and What Does It Mean for Those Who Leave?
Brain drain means educated and skilled people moving to another country for better working, educational or living conditions. Software developers, doctors, engineers, academics, architects, finance professionals and researchers are the best-known examples of this group. In recent years the number of young professionals leaving Turkey for Germany, the Netherlands, the UK, the Nordic countries, the USA, Canada and the Gulf states has grown, and the subject has become a frequent topic of public debate.
The public debate mostly revolves around the question "Does the one who leaves win, or does the one who stays lose?" But the inner world of the person who leaves hardly finds a place in this debate. Yet someone going through brain drain carries several things at once:
- A gain: A career opportunity, financial security, room for personal freedom.
- A loss: Family, friends, language, neighbourhood, habits, a sense of "belonging".
- An expectation: The pressure of "if you left, you must succeed", from yourself and from others.
- A question: "Did I make the right decision?", which comes back especially on hard days.
These feelings existing side by side may look contradictory, but it is entirely human. You can be content with the life you chose and at the same time mourn what you left behind. If you are curious about the general stages of adjustment to migration, our article on the stages of adjustment after migration walks through the process step by step.
Common Feelings and Signs Among Those Who Experience Brain Drain
Every migration is different; however, certain shared themes appear often in the stories of people who migrate as skilled workers. You may recognise a few of the following. These do not on their own mean a mental disorder; most of them are understandable reactions to a major life change.
Guilt and the feeling of having "run away"
Many people feel guilty for leaving behind their family, their ageing parents or friends who continue to live in difficult conditions. Following the agenda in Turkey, economic hardship or a disaster from afar can intensify this feeling. The thought "I'm comfortable here while they struggle there" can even stop you from voicing your own difficulties.
The pressure to prove yourself
The thought "After so much sacrifice, I can't fail" is one of the most tiring inner voices of those who experience brain drain. Being overly afraid of making mistakes at work, constantly working overtime and believing you don't deserve to rest can be signs of this pressure. Over time it can turn into burnout or a feeling of inadequacy.
A jolt to status and identity
Going from being someone known in Turkey, whose word was listened to and whose network was trusted, to being a "foreign employee" or a "newcomer" in a new country can shake your sense of identity. In meetings where you cannot use the language with full mastery, you may feel less competent than you are.
Loneliness and rootlessness
Even if you have good relationships at work, not having anyone close by at night who will really ask "how are you?" and pick it up from your voice can create deep loneliness. This gap becomes more noticeable at bayram (religious holidays), on birthdays or when you fall ill.
Signs to watch for
If the following signs last longer than a few weeks, it can be useful to take a closer look at yourself:
- Marked disruption to your sleep pattern, waking up tired in the mornings
- Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
- Constant tension, your mind not switching off outside work either
- Avoiding talking to your family in Turkey, or feeling bad for a long time after conversations
- Suppressing feelings with alcohol, screens or intense work
The Psychological and Cultural Dynamics Behind Brain Drain
The decision to leave rarely rests on a single reason. Many factors play a part together, such as economic uncertainty, career opportunities, quality of life, a search for a different future for children or room for personal freedom. But the reasons for the decision also shape the feelings that follow.
Did you leave because you were "pushed" or "pulled"? A person who goes after an opportunity and a person who feels forced to get away from where they live can feel very different things in the same country. In migrations where the sense of being pushed out weighs more heavily, anger, resentment and grief may be more pronounced.
Turkish family structure and the sense of responsibility: In many families in Turkey, children, especially educated ones, are seen as the family's "pride" and the guarantee of the future. A child who goes abroad may be expected to support the family both financially and emotionally. This expectation is sometimes spoken openly and sometimes felt silently. Phrases like "it would be shameful" and "what would people say" can make it hard for the person to share their difficulties with the family.
Perfectionism and early schemas: The deep belief patterns formed in childhood that clinical psychology calls "early maladaptive schemas" can be triggered again during migration. For example, someone who grew up with the belief "I'm only worthy if I'm successful" may interpret every difficulty they face in the new country as a personal failure. For more on this, you can look at our article on early maladaptive schemas.
The Effect of Brain Drain on Family, Relationships and Children
Brain drain affects not only the person who leaves but everyone around them.
The family that stays in Turkey: Parents often swing between pride and longing. Video calls keep the bond alive, but when an ageing parent develops health problems, the worry of "not being there" can intensify. Some families may express this longing through reproach, resentment or accusing sentences.
The couple relationship: Migration is usually built on one partner's job or opportunity. The other partner leaving behind their own career, social circle and language can create an imbalance in the relationship. The sentence "I came here for you" can sit in the background of the relationship even if it is never said aloud.
Children: The children of migrating families meet a new language, school system and culture. Parents' own anxiety and tiredness can show in the way they communicate with their children. A child's quick adjustment can sometimes trigger in the parent the feeling "my child is drifting away from me".
Friendships: Friendships in Turkey may gradually grow thinner. In the new country, forming deep friendships can take years. This "in-between" period is one of the most challenging processes for many people who go through brain drain.
How Can You Look After Yourself After Brain Drain?
The steps below may not solve everything; but when applied regularly they can help ease the emotional load and build firmer ground in your new life.
- Accept your feelings side by side, not as alternatives to one another. The sentence "I'm happy with my life here and I also miss my mother very much" is completely true. Accepting both feelings without suppressing either reduces inner conflict.
- Notice the pressure to prove yourself. Once a week, ask yourself, "Who was I trying to prove what to this week?" Write down how much overtime you did and how much you rested. Seeing the imbalance is the first step to changing it.
- Set a realistic adjustment timeline. Feeling at home in a new country usually takes months, even years. The expectation that "everything should have fallen into place by the end of the first year" can create needless disappointment.
- Create small rituals. A Sunday breakfast, a Turkish-language podcast, a friend you call regularly, a café in the neighbourhood... Small, repeated rituals soften the feeling of rootlessness.
- Set boundaries and frequency in contact with family. Instead of long calls every day, set up a routine that is sustainable for you. Rather than only saying "everything's fine" in conversations, try gradually sharing your real feelings too.
- Make time to build a new community. Professional groups, sports clubs, volunteering or Turkish community events can help you form new bonds. Building several different social circles rather than a single source gives a more balanced support network.
- Don't neglect your body. Regular sleep, daylight, movement and nutrition directly affect mood, especially in the long, dark winters of northern countries.
- Move the question "Was it the right decision?" to set times. If this question occupies your mind every day, give it a place once a month, at a calm moment, with pen and paper. Writing down the pros and cons can reduce the question circling constantly in the background.
Having left does not mean you don't love what you left behind. To go and to miss at the same time is one of the most natural states of being human.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Difficulties after migration often ease over time. But in some situations a process of professional support can be helpful:
- If low mood, hopelessness or a feeling of emptiness continues for more than two weeks
- If anxiety clearly affects your work performance or your relationships
- If your sleep and appetite have been disrupted for a long time
- If thoughts of guilt or "I'm a failure" take up most of your day
- If you are in constant conflict with your partner or family over the decision to move
- If you are turning more and more to alcohol or other substances to cope with your feelings
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not wait; call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are needed.
Mental health services in the country you live in are also a valuable resource and can be used alongside therapy in your mother tongue. Some people continue to be followed by a local psychiatrist while also choosing therapy in Turkish. Because insurance coverage and reimbursement conditions vary from country to country, it is important to check the insurance terms in the country where you live.
How Is Brain Drain Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
Many people who go through brain drain use the foreign language very well in their working lives. Even so, when it comes to feelings, childhood memories and family relationships, the mother tongue often opens a more natural door. Being able to talk without having to explain concepts like "gurbet" (life away from home), "sıla" (the homeland and those waiting there), "ayıp" (shameful or improper) and "hakkını helal et" (forgive me, I release you from any claim) can make the therapeutic relationship easier. This does not mean local therapists are inadequate; it only means that for some people the mother tongue offers a different kind of ease.
In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the process may generally include the following steps:
- Assessment: Your migration story, the reasons for the decision, your current living conditions, your support network and the areas you are struggling with are looked at together.
- Noticing thought patterns: Automatic thoughts such as "If I fail, everything will have been for nothing" and "I abandoned my family" are identified and examined along with their evidence.
- Work at the schema level: Deep patterns such as perfectionism, inadequacy or approval seeking are evaluated in relation to the migration experience.
- Behavioural steps: Weekly, small and measurable goals are set on matters such as rest, building social connections and setting boundaries.
- Values-based decision making: If the question "Stay or go back?" is on the table, room is opened up for thinking through personal values rather than anxiety.
In online sessions, taking the time difference into account to pick a suitable time, and meeting in a quiet and private setting with headphones and a secure connection, make the process easier. Payment can be made online; TL pricing and payment by international card are possible. You can find how online work operates on the online therapy page, and general information for people living abroad on the Turks living abroad page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does being unhappy after brain drain mean I made the wrong decision?
No, not necessarily. Unhappiness after migration is often a natural part of the adjustment process and can change over time. To judge whether the decision was right, it is healthier to think at a calmer time, through your values, rather than in the middle of a hard period.
How can I tell my family in Turkey that I'm struggling?
You don't have to tell them everything at once. Starting with small disclosures, for example saying "I've been a bit tired this week", makes it easier for both you and your family to get used to this kind of conversation. Although your family may well react with worry, sharing your real feelings can strengthen the bond over time.
I speak English very well. Is therapy in Turkish still right for me?
This is entirely a personal choice. Many people who use a foreign language well say they can talk about emotional and family matters more comfortably in their mother tongue. You can try both options and decide according to which one you feel more comfortable in.
How many sessions does online therapy last for people who have gone through brain drain?
The number of sessions varies according to the person's needs, goals and the areas they are struggling with. Some people work for a short period on a specific issue, while others prefer a longer process. In the first sessions the goals are set together and the process is reviewed regularly.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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