Is being unable to spend money on yourself thrift, or a deep belief that you do not deserve it? Where the guilt comes from and how to make room for yourself.
Do you ever try on a coat you like in a shop, look at yourself in the mirror and then hang it back on the rail? Or do you replace your children's shoes before the season even starts, while saying "These will do for another winter" when the sole of your own shoe comes away? If leaving an item in your online basket for days and finally deleting it, hiding the bag as you come home when you have bought yourself something, or quietly regretting it for hours after paying sounds familiar, you are not alone. When you can't spend money on yourself, it may look like a budgeting problem, but it is often about guilt, worthlessness and a feeling of "not deserving". In this article we look at how this behaviour differs from thrift, where it comes from, how it affects your life and what you can do to make room for yourself again.
What Does It Mean When You Can't Spend Money on Yourself?
Being unable to spend money on yourself means having marked difficulty making a purchase for yourself that you need and can afford, and feeling intense guilt, anxiety or shame when you do. Two points matter here. First, the person usually does not have the same difficulty when spending on others; they can be generous towards their child, spouse, parents or friends. Second, the difficulty arises not only with luxuries but with basic needs too: the prescription for their eyes has changed but the glasses have not been replaced, a toothache has been put off for months, the winter coat has been the same for years.
Of course, spending carefully is sensible at times when economic conditions are hard. If income does not cover expenses, postponing some purchases is a realistic decision. Being unable to spend on yourself, however, is a pattern that continues even when the means are there and that carries an emotional cost. A thrifty person feels relieved when they give up a purchase; someone who cannot spend on themselves may feel uneasy both when they give it up and when they make it.
Let's say you are a teacher in your forties with a regular income. Your phone screen has been cracked for months and the battery dies before noon. When your son's phone broke, you bought him a new one the same week, but every time you go into the shop for your own phone you leave saying "It'll last a bit longer." This decision is based not on a budget calculation but on the unease that rises inside you when you spend on yourself. This is exactly where the difference lies: the measure is not money but feeling.
Thrift or Not Deserving? What Are the Signs?
The signs below may show that the issue is not only budget management. They are not diagnostic criteria but a framework for observing yourself.
At the level of thoughts
- The thought "It's not something I need, I'll manage anyway" coming up automatically with almost every purchase
- The sentences "I don't deserve this" or "This money will be needed for something else" repeating constantly
- Seeing your own wishes as less important than other people's
At the level of feelings
- Feeling guilt, shame or anxiety after buying yourself something
- Feeling uncomfortable when someone buys you a present, trying to turn it down with "You shouldn't have"
- A tiredness and resentment building up inside; the feeling that "Nobody ever asks what I want"
At the level of behaviour
- Returning items you have bought or leaving them in the wardrobe with the tags still on
- Hiding purchases made for yourself from your family
- Postponing health-related spending, such as a medical appointment, glasses or dental treatment, longer than you should
- Always putting your own list last when shopping for everyone
Why Can't You Spend Money on Yourself? The Causes
This pattern is usually not tied to a single cause. Past experiences, roles within the family, cultural expectations and present-day conditions all play a part together.
Experiencing scarcity in childhood
Many adults who remember money always being short at home in childhood, their parents getting tense on the day the bills came, or a request being met with "Not now", re-experience that old anxiety today when spending on themselves, even if their income is sufficient. Body and mind react as though the danger is still there, even though the period of scarcity is long gone.
The message that "self-sacrifice is good"
In Turkey, self-sacrifice, especially in motherhood and fatherhood, is a highly valued trait. The sentence "My mother never bought anything for herself, she gave everything to us" is told as an expression of love. When this model is internalised, buying something for yourself can become associated with lovelessness or selfishness. Yet love and erasing yourself are not the same thing.
Taking on responsibility at an early age
Children who had to take on the family's financial or emotional burden at an early age, such as children who looked after younger siblings or put their pocket money into the household, go on thinking of others' needs first in adulthood too. Noticing their own needs is an unfamiliar skill for them.
Beliefs about worthlessness and self-sacrifice
From a schema therapy perspective, some people hold deep beliefs such as "My needs don't matter" or "Other people's happiness comes before mine." These beliefs can develop in childhood, in environments where emotional needs were not adequately met. If you would like to learn more about this approach, you can look at our article what is schema therapy.
Today's economic uncertainty
During periods of high cost of living, this already existing tendency grows stronger. As prices rise, the worry "What if tomorrow is worse?" offers a justified reason to postpone every purchase directed at oneself. In this way, genuine prudence and emotional deprivation become impossible to tell apart.
How Does This Affect Your Life?
Not spending money on yourself may at first seem harmless, even virtuous. In the long run, however, it has a cost.
Resentment builds up. A person who constantly gives but never receives eventually falls into the feeling "I'm always giving, nobody thinks of me." This resentment is usually not said directly, but it shows itself as small outbursts, reproaches or withdrawal.
Health is neglected. A postponed dental treatment, worn-out shoes that hurt your feet, glasses that are never renewed can lead to bigger problems over time.
Children learn the model. Children learn more from what parents do than from what they say. A child who sees that their mother or father never buys anything for themselves may later think their own needs are unimportant, or may carry guilt about their parent's sacrifice.
Imbalance develops in relationships. When your spouse wants to buy you something and you constantly refuse, their effort to please you comes to nothing. Some spouses experience this as "She won't accept anything from me" and feel shut out.
The risk of burnout increases. Someone who never meets their own needs struggles to replenish their energy. This can turn into marked exhaustion, especially in people who are caregivers, who work a great deal or who carry the whole burden of their family.
We have discussed the effect on relationships of always putting other people's needs first in more detail in our article on people pleasing.
Practical Tips If You Can't Spend Money on Yourself
The aim is not to switch to uncontrolled spending; it is to be able to make room for yourself, too, within the realistic limits of your budget.
Create a separate "for me" line
In your monthly budget, however small, set an amount reserved solely for your own needs or wishes. Put this amount in a separate envelope or account. That way, spending feels not like "money stolen from the family" but like a planned and legitimate item.
Write your needs down
Gather into one list the needs you keep postponing in your head with "I'll see to it later": glasses, work shoes, a winter coat, a book you have wanted for a long time. Seeing the list and noticing how long you have been putting things off makes it easier to set priorities.
Record your guilty thoughts
When you buy yourself something, note down the sentences that go through your mind: "That was selfish", "The children needed that money." Then question how much of these sentences is based on fact. Did this purchase really prevent one of the family's basic needs from being met, or did it just stir up a feeling you are not used to?
Start with small experiments
There is no need to start with a big purchase. This week, buy something small just for yourself: a tea you like, a flower, a coffee. Then observe how high the guilt rises and how many hours later it subsides. Guilt weakens over time when you do not act on it.
Learn to accept presents
When someone buys you something, instead of saying "You shouldn't have", try simply saying "Thank you, I'm really pleased." Receiving is also part of giving; it gives the other person the chance to make you happy. When someone buys you something for a religious holiday or your birthday, enjoy that present for a few days instead of immediately thinking about how to repay it. The urge to settle the account straight away is often an extension of the fear of being a burden, and simply noticing this urge helps you give in to it less.
Look at the real cost of putting things off
Every postponed need has a hidden cost. Sleepless nights on a worn-out mattress, headaches from glasses with the wrong prescription, or problems that turn into bigger treatment after a check-up was put off for months often cost more than the purchase itself. Writing this cost down concretely helps you see the purchase not as an indulgence but as a responsibility.
Spend according to your values
Spending on yourself does not always mean buying an object. Spending on your health, a hobby, a meet-up with friends or a skill you want to learn are investments in line with your values. The question "Does this purchase serve the person I want to be?" makes your decision easier.
The share you set aside for yourself is not a slice taken away from your family; it is the fuel you need to keep on giving to them.
Talk to the people around you
Talking about this difficulty with your spouse or those close to you makes it easier for them to support you. Saying "I find it hard to buy things for myself; sometimes I'd like you to give me a little nudge" is a simple but effective step.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Being unable to spend on yourself sometimes remains an ingrained habit and does not affect a person's life very much. In the following situations, however, talking to a specialist may be useful:
- If you feel intense guilt and anxiety over even the smallest purchase for yourself
- If you keep putting off your health-related needs even though you can afford them
- If you carry a constant sense of worthlessness, tiredness and "nobody sees me"
- If this situation is creating noticeable tension in your relationship with your spouse or family
- If, alongside neglecting to look after yourself, there are also loss of pleasure and changes in sleep and appetite
Individual therapy can be a supportive way to understand and change the beliefs underlying such patterns.
How Is the Feeling of Not Deserving Addressed in Therapy?
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): The automatic thoughts that kick in at the moment of spending are identified and their realism is assessed together. Through small, planned spending experiments, the capacity to tolerate guilt is increased. In this way the person learns through experience that buying something for themselves does not lead to disaster.
Schema therapy approach: The connection between present behaviour and schemas such as "self-sacrifice", "emotional deprivation" or "punitiveness" is explored. The link between the person's childhood experiences and today's "I don't deserve it" voice becomes visible. The work then focuses on softening this voice and strengthening the healthy adult perspective.
Self-compassion work: The tendency to treat oneself harshly and critically is balanced with a more understanding and supportive inner voice. This is not avoiding responsibility but learning to treat yourself humanely too.
Relationship and boundary skills: For people who constantly put other people's needs first, the skills of voicing their own wishes and being able to say no are practised.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is being unable to spend money on myself a form of stinginess?
No. Stinginess usually describes a general reluctance to spend, both on oneself and on others. A person who cannot spend on themselves, by contrast, is often generous towards others; they have difficulty only when they themselves are concerned.
Why do I feel uncomfortable when my spouse buys me a present?
Receiving a present requires accepting attention and effort. For someone who sees themselves as undeserving, this can feel like getting into debt or being a burden. Trying to accept presents in small steps can reduce this discomfort over time.
What kind of example do I set by buying my children everything and nothing for myself?
Children learn self-care by watching how their parents treat themselves. A parent who also attends to their own needs gives the child the message that needs matter for everyone, and prevents the child from feeling guilty.
Could this be linked to depression?
Constantly neglecting to look after yourself can be part of a depressive picture when it occurs together with loss of pleasure and feelings of worthlessness. On its own, however, it does not mean a diagnosis; if the symptoms have been going on for a long time, an assessment by a specialist is helpful.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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