What Is Self-Compassion? Treating Yourself Like a Friend

What is self-compassion, and how does it differ from self-pity and selfishness? Evidence-informed, practical ways to soften a harsh inner voice.

Rushing to get to work in the morning, you drop your child off at school ten minutes late. At the gate you catch the look of the teacher on duty, and as you walk back to the car the voice inside you starts up: "You can't even organise a single morning properly. What kind of mother are you?" If the same thing had happened to your closest friend, what would you have said to her? Most likely you would have said, "These things happen, mornings are hard for everyone, don't beat yourself up." Self-compassion is a concept that tries to close the gap between these two reactions: being able to treat yourself, in difficult moments, the way you would treat a friend. In this article we will talk about what self-compassion is, what it is not, why it feels so hard and how it can be developed in everyday life.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is a person's ability to approach themselves with understanding and warmth rather than judgement at moments when they are suffering, have made a mistake or feel inadequate. Kristin Neff, one of the figures in the psychological literature who has defined this concept systematically, explains this attitude through three components:

• Self-kindness: When you are struggling, adopting a supportive and gentle attitude instead of criticising or belittling yourself.
• Common humanity: Remembering that pain, mistakes and feelings of inadequacy do not belong to you alone, but are part of being human. Being able to say "I'm not the only one going through this" instead of "Why always me?"
• Mindful awareness: Neither suppressing a painful feeling nor drowning in it; being able to notice and accept it as it is.

These three components complement each other. Kindness alone, without awareness, can turn into covering up the feeling. Awareness alone, without kindness, can remain a cold observation. Compassion towards yourself means seeing the pain and offering it a warm hand.

What Self-Compassion Is Not

As the concept has entered everyday language, it has often been misunderstood. Clarifying what does not fall within its scope is important for being able to really practise it.

It is not self-pity

Self-pity is when a person becomes absorbed in their own pain and cut off from other people, staying inside the feeling "Nobody in the world has it as hard as I do." A compassionate attitude, by contrast, connects a person to others through the component of common humanity. It does not belittle your pain, but sees it as part of a shared human experience.

It is not selfishness

The belief "If you think of yourself first, you're being selfish" is strong especially in people who are used to looking after others. Yet compassion towards yourself does not mean ignoring other people's needs; it means taking your own needs into account as well. It has been observed that people who can show themselves compassion are able to be more patient and understanding towards others; because it is very hard to give to someone else from an empty tank.

It is not laziness or letting yourself off the hook

This is perhaps the most common worry: "If I don't push myself hard, I won't do anything." Showing yourself compassion does not mean ignoring your mistakes. On the contrary, it allows you to look at a mistake and learn from it rather than hiding it in shame. Think about the difference between shouting at and belittling a child who has got a low mark in a maths test, and sitting down beside them to work out together where they struggled. The second is not slackness; it is an environment better suited to growth.

It is not forcing yourself to think positively

Saying "Everything is wonderful, I'm amazing" does not count as compassion. Compassion acknowledges that the situation is hard: "This really hurt, and it makes complete sense that I feel this way."

Being harsh with yourself does not make you stronger; it only adds shame to your exhaustion.

Why Are We So Harsh on Ourselves?

Many people cannot show themselves even a small part of the understanding they show others. There are several understandable reasons for this.

First, a significant part of our inner voice is made up of the voices we heard in childhood. Children who grow up in homes where criticism is presented as a form of love, and where harshness is justified with the sentence "I'm saying this for your own good", go on carrying the same voice inside them in adulthood. The comparison "The neighbour's daughter got into medicine, why didn't you?" can turn, years later, into a person constantly weighing their own achievements against other people's.

Second, self-criticism serves a kind of protective function. The mind assumes that if it criticises itself in advance, other people's criticism will hurt less, or that it will prevent mistakes. This may once have worked; but in adulthood it usually leaves a person living under constant threat.

Third, cultural messages. Messages such as "Don't be conceited", "If you get too comfortable you'll be spoilt" or "Those who work hard succeed" can make being gentle with yourself seem dangerous or shameful. Especially for women, while "self-sacrifice" is a praised value, voicing your own needs can easily be labelled as selfishness.

Fourth, perfectionism. People who set very high standards for themselves treat themselves very harshly when they fail to reach these standards. We look at this subject in detail in our article on perfectionism.

Why Does Self-Compassion Matter?

Studies in this area suggest that people who can approach themselves with compassion tend to experience fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress. These people can recover more quickly after their mistakes, perceive difficulties less as a personal catastrophe and feel less shame in asking for help.

The mechanism behind this is quite intuitive. When we are constantly criticised, even if the criticism comes from our own inner voice, the mind and body react as if under threat: they tense up, stay on alert and prepare to flee or hide. Compassion, by contrast, activates a sense of safety and connection. This safe ground makes it easier for a person to look at the difficulty and try something new.

Let us consider an example from everyday life. A healthcare worker who makes a small mistake out of tiredness after a long shift can react in two different ways. In the first, they think "How could I be so careless, I don't deserve this profession", cannot tell anyone about the mistake and cannot sleep for days. In the second, they say "This was a serious mistake, and I'm sorry. I'd been awake for thirty hours, and that played a part. What can I do differently at the next shift handover?", share the mistake with their team and take the necessary precautions. The second reaction does not remove responsibility; on the contrary, it makes taking responsibility possible.

You can also think about this through a sporting analogy. Imagine two different coaches. The first shouts at their athlete for every mistake and humiliates them in front of their teammates. The second names the mistake clearly, but then says, "Make that move a little earlier; you've got this in you." Whose athlete stays in the game longer, and which one dares to take risks? Most of us carry the first kind of coach inside us and believe that it is what keeps us going. Yet the second coach is at least as demanding; they simply ask without breaking their athlete.

How Can Self-Compassion Be Developed?

Compassion towards yourself is less a personality trait than a skill that can be learnt and strengthened through practice. It is completely normal for it to feel artificial or strange at first. The following exercises can guide you as you begin.

1. Notice your inner voice

For a week, observe the sentences you use when talking to yourself. What does your inner voice say, especially at moments when you are struggling? You might also be curious about whose voice it resembles. Just noticing it puts a small distance between you and this voice.

2. The question "What would I say to a friend?"

When you notice that you are criticising yourself, stop and think of a friend you love going through the same situation. What would you say to them, and in what tone of voice? Then try saying the same sentence to yourself.

3. A self-compassion break

When you are going through a difficult moment, say three sentences to yourself, silently or out loud:

• "This is really hard right now." (awareness)
• "Struggling is part of being human; I'm not the only one going through this." (common humanity)
• "Can I be kind to myself right now?" (self-kindness)

You can adapt these sentences to your own language. What matters is their essence.

4. Supportive touch

Small gestures such as placing your hand on your chest or your cheek, or wrapping your arms around yourself, can activate the body's soothing system. It may feel odd at first; but the body responds to touch before it responds to words.

5. A compassionate letter

Think of something that makes you feel ashamed or inadequate. Then write a letter to yourself in the voice of an imaginary friend who loves you unconditionally, who knows your flaws but accepts you. What would this friend say to you? Which difficulties would they meet with understanding?

6. Allow yourself small needs

Compassion is not only an emotional attitude but also an action. Resting when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, saying no where you need to say no: these, too, are concrete forms of showing yourself compassion.

7. A reminder of common humanity

When you are going through a difficulty, think of the other people in this country, in this city, perhaps in the same block of flats, who are going through something similar at the same moment. People struggling with a rent increase, comforting a child whose exam result did not turn out as hoped, caring for a sick relative, feeling ashamed of a mistake at work. This thought does not shrink your pain; but it stops it being a secret flaw you carry alone. Shame grows in isolation; a sense of shared experience lightens it a little.

You do not need to do all of these exercises at once every day. Choosing the one or two that feel closest to you and practising them regularly for a few weeks is far more meaningful than doing them all once and giving up. Briefly noting in a notebook which exercise you tried in which situation and how you felt afterwards makes it easier to notice change.

The obstacle most often encountered in these practices is the feeling "I don't deserve this." When this feeling arises, try meeting it with compassion too: "Being kind to myself feels unfamiliar, and that makes complete sense."

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Living with an inner voice that is merciless towards you can become a serious burden over time. It may be helpful to seek support from a professional in the following situations:

• If your inner critic's voice almost never falls silent and is wearing you down
• If you experience shame and guilt that last for days after your mistakes
• If you constantly compare yourself with others and find yourself lacking
• If you have been experiencing feelings of unhappiness, reluctance or worthlessness for a long time
• If self-compassion exercises stir up intense resistance, anger or sadness

If harsh thoughts towards yourself at times turn into thoughts of harming yourself, be sure to share this with a professional. At any moment when you do not feel safe, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.

How Is Self-Compassion Worked On in Therapy?

In therapy, self-compassion is usually addressed less as a goal in itself and more as a need that emerges while working on many different problems. When working with depression, anxiety, perfectionism or post-traumatic symptoms, healing the relationship a person has with themselves often moves to the centre of the process.

Compassion Focused Therapy, developed by Paul Gilbert, is an approach designed especially for people who experience intense shame and self-criticism. In this approach, the aim is for the person to rebalance their threat, drive and soothing systems. In cognitive behavioural therapy, the harsh inner voice is examined through automatic thoughts and "should" rules, and a more balanced and supportive inner dialogue is developed. In schema therapy, the "demanding parent" and "punitive parent" modes offer an important framework for understanding a person's merciless attitude towards themselves; alongside these modes, the aim is to strengthen the "healthy adult" mode.

The therapeutic relationship itself can also be an experience that nurtures compassion towards yourself. As a person experiences not being judged and being understood when they talk about their mistakes and the parts of themselves they are ashamed of, they gradually learn to direct the same attitude towards themselves. If you would like to work on building a gentler relationship with yourself, individual therapy can be part of that process.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are self-compassion and self-confidence the same thing?

They are not. Self-confidence usually rests on evaluating yourself positively, on your achievements and abilities; it can be shaken when things go badly. A compassionate attitude, on the other hand, can be drawn on even in moments of failure and does not depend on circumstances. This is why it offers a sturdier foundation in hard times.

I cry when I try to be compassionate towards myself; is that normal?

It is quite normal. When you approach gently, for the first time, a part of yourself that you have long treated harshly, accumulated sadness can surface. This may mean not that something is going wrong, but that a feeling that has been waiting for a long time has finally found some space.

Can self-compassion be taught to children?

Yes. Children learn self-compassion mostly by watching how their parents treat them and themselves. A parent being able to say after their own mistake, "I got that wrong, I'm sorry, I'll be more careful next time", shows the child that making a mistake is not the end of the world.

When will I feel the effect of self-compassion exercises?

This varies from person to person. Some people feel a slight sense of relief from their first attempts; others say it feels artificial for a long time. With regular practice, a slow but noticeable change in the tone of the inner voice can be expected.

• #self-compassion
• #inner critic
• #self-worth
• #emotional well-being

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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