Why is lying to your therapist so common, what do we hide, and what does it cost the therapy? Learn how to open up safely about what you have kept back.
When you are asked how many drinks you have a week, you nudge the number down a little. You don't mention that you have started messaging your ex again, because last month you talked about how hard you had worked to end that relationship. When the therapist asks, "How have you been this week?", you say, "Fine," even though you could not sleep for three nights. At first glance, lying to your therapist sounds odd: why would anyone hide the truth in a place they chose to go to, spending time and money on it? But clinical experience shows that a large proportion of clients play something down, skip over something or never mention something at some point in therapy. In this article I look at why we lie or hold things back in therapy, what this costs the process, the subjects on which honesty is especially vital, and how you can open up about something you have been hiding. My aim is not to blame you but to make this very human behaviour understandable.
How Common Is Lying to Your Therapist?
Being completely honest in therapy is harder than people think. Some clients lie outright; most resort to subtler methods:
- Minimising: saying "I drink a bit" without saying that "a bit" is actually every evening.
- Skipping: never mentioning the most important event of the week.
- Polishing: leaving out the harshest part of what you said when describing an argument.
- Postponing: saying "I'll tell you about it next session" and then not doing so for weeks.
- Changing the subject: moving to a "safer" topic when the therapist approaches a sensitive point.
None of this makes you a bad client. People bring into the therapy room the methods they use to protect themselves in everyday life. What matters is noticing these methods and, over time, being able to let go of them at least a little.
Why Do We Lie in Therapy?
Lying to your therapist, or holding things back, is almost always fed by a fear or a need. Recognising these fears is the first step to overcoming them.
Shame
This is the most common reason. Saying to another person's face something about yourself that you find hard to accept, whether a behaviour, a thought or a feeling, feels heavy. The question "What will she think if I say this?" touches a person's deepest places. Shame pushes people into hiding; yet the most effective antidote to shame is sharing it within a safe relationship. I discuss this separately in the article will a psychologist judge me.
Fear of disappointing the therapist
Going back to an old habit after a period in which therapy was going well can feel as though you will upset the therapist. Let's say someone goes back to a damaging relationship that they worked on for months and decided to end. Because they think the therapist will ask "Why?" and perhaps be disappointed, they hide it. But the longer they hide it, the more superficial the sessions become, because the thing at the centre of their life is not being talked about in the room.
Wanting to be a "good client"
Some people have learned throughout their lives to please others, avoid causing trouble and meet expectations. In therapy too, these people try to be a "good client": homework done, progress made, someone who doesn't waste the therapist's effort. This effort can hide what is really going on in therapy.
Fear of consequences
Some clients fear that what they say will have concrete consequences: Will their family be told, will it go on a record, will it affect their job? For example, someone working in a public institution or preparing for the KPSS (Turkey's public-sector recruitment exam) may worry that what they say in therapy will be recorded somewhere. Most of these worries stem from not knowing the confidentiality rules well. The article does seeing a psychologist go on your record may answer the questions on your mind.
Self-protection
Sometimes saying something feels like making it real. "If I say I gamble, I'll have admitted I have a problem." Hiding is a way of postponing facing the facts. Someone who deletes the betting app from their phone every Monday and reinstalls it on Friday evening may, when saying "I don't play any more" in therapy, partly be trying to convince themselves too. This kind of hiding is less about hiding from the therapist than hiding from oneself.
Feelings about the therapist
Feeling angry with, hurt by or intensely close to the therapist makes it hard to say so. These feelings are also among the subjects most often held back.
What Are the Most Commonly Hidden Subjects?
The subjects clients most often hide or play down in therapy cluster around certain headings:
- Alcohol and substance use.
- Gambling, particularly online betting, which has become widespread in recent years, and the debts it creates.
- Self-harming behaviour and thoughts of ending one's life.
- Problems with eating, such as binge eating or vomiting.
- Domestic violence, whether experienced or perpetrated.
- Money and debts.
- Infidelity or secret relationships.
- Not doing the homework set in therapy.
- Negative feelings towards the therapist.
- Stopping medication or taking it irregularly.
If you recognise yourself in this list, know that you are not alone. These are the subjects therapists encounter most often and are most used to approaching without judgement.
What is most hidden in therapy is often what most needs to be talked about, because the shame that keeps it hidden is also the biggest obstacle to change.
What Does Lying to Your Therapist Cost You?
The price of hiding things in therapy is often paid without being noticed. Some aspects of this price are:
The therapist works from the wrong map
The therapist develops an understanding based on what you tell them. When an important piece of information is missing, that understanding is incomplete or wrong. For example, if someone who comes to therapy for sleep problems does not mention the alcohol they drink every night before bed, the therapist cannot see one of the main causes of the insomnia. When the methods suggested do not work, both client and therapist are disappointed.
Therapy stays on the surface
When the real issue is hidden, sessions revolve around secondary topics. Even if what is said is true, the central problem remains untouched. Over time the client may begin to think "therapy isn't doing anything for me"; but the problem is not therapy itself, it is the truth that has not been brought into the room.
Shame grows
What is hidden grows heavier the longer it is hidden. Avoiding the subject at every session makes it even more unspeakable. At some point the client becomes ashamed not only of what they are hiding but also of having hidden it for so long.
The corrective experience is missed
One of therapy's greatest strengths is the experience of showing another person the part of yourself you are most ashamed of and still being accepted. When it is hidden, this experience cannot happen. The therapist accepts a "presentable" version of you, while the real you remains alone.
Safety risks
On some subjects the cost of hiding is far heavier. Hiding self-harming behaviour, thoughts of ending one's life or serious substance use can prevent necessary safety measures from being taken.
Family Secrets and Hiding Things to Protect Others
Sometimes lying to a therapist is not about protecting ourselves but about protecting others. In Turkey, many families take great care to preserve a certain image to the outside world. A father's gambling debts, a mother's years-long depression, a sibling's substance use or a spouse's controlling behaviour are seen as matters that "should stay within the family". The client thinks that if they talk about these things they will be betraying their family and making their loved ones look bad.
Let's say a woman comes to therapy because of anxiety and never mentions that her husband checks her phone every evening and demands an account of her spending. She presents her husband as "a good person really" and attributes her anxiety to her own "exaggerated" nature. The therapist struggles to understand why her anxiety rises so much at home. Only months later, when she can no longer hold back in a session and describes the situation at home, does it emerge that a significant part of her anxiety is a natural result of the relationship she is living in.
This example shows how costly hiding things to protect others can be for the client. The therapist listens not to judge your family but to understand what you are going through within that family. Telling the truth about someone close to you does not mean blaming them; it simply allows your story to be told in full. In some situations, for example in relationships where violence is involved, talking about the truth may also be vital for your safety and that of any children.
A similar tension exists for people who come to therapy without their family knowing. Telling no one when going to sessions and explaining appointment times with other excuses can lead a person to experience a double concealment, from their family and from the therapist. Talking about this openly with your therapist lightens both the practical and the emotional load.
Don't Hide Thoughts of Harming Yourself
I want to give this its own heading, because it is one of the subjects most often hidden in therapy and among the most dangerous to hide. Many clients fear that if they share thoughts of ending their life they will be admitted to hospital, their family will be told, or the therapist will see them as a "very severe case".
The truth is that sharing these thoughts with your therapist means you do not have to carry their weight alone. In this situation the therapist first listens to you and tries to understand together how intense the thoughts are, how long they have been going on and what protects you. If necessary, they prepare a safety plan with you and may recommend an assessment by a psychiatrist. Confidentiality is limited for reasons of safety only in situations of serious and imminent danger, and even then the therapist takes care not to leave you out of the process. You can find the details on this in the article on confidentiality in therapy.
If you feel in danger right now, do not wait for your session: call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department.
How Can You Open Up About Something You Have Been Hiding?
After hiding something for a long time, saying it can sometimes feel harder than it would have on the first day. The following steps can make this transition easier:
- First, name the hiding itself. Saying, "There's something I haven't told you, and I'm finding it hard to say," opens the door without revealing the content straight away. Even this sentence often brings great relief.
- Share why it is hard. For example, "I'm afraid of what you'll think" or "I'm afraid that if I say it, things will change." The therapist will help you understand these fears and, where needed, give you information.
- Write it down. Some people find it hard to say something difficult out loud. Writing it on a piece of paper and giving it to your therapist, or reading it out in the session, is a legitimate way.
- Tell it piece by piece. You do not have to say everything at once. You can share part of it first and the rest later.
- Correct a lie you told before. Saying, "Last month I said I'd stopped drinking, but actually that's not quite true," does not reduce the therapist's trust in you; on the contrary, it puts the relationship on a firmer footing.
- Notice the therapist's reaction. Most clients feel great relief when the judgement they expected does not come. This experience makes the next disclosure easier.
How Does the Therapist Approach What Is Hidden?
Therapists know that clients may hide some things and do not take this as a personal attack. On the contrary, the act of hiding is itself material worth understanding. Why was something hidden, what was felt while hiding it, where else in the person's life is there a similar pattern of hiding?
In cognitive behavioural therapy, this process can be addressed by examining the thoughts that lead to hiding: What is the evidence for the thought "If I say this, the therapist will think I'm weak", and is another explanation possible? In schema therapy, hiding can be understood as a reflection of schemas such as "defectiveness and shame" or "social isolation". For someone carrying these schemas, opening up and being accepted is an experience that shakes the schema itself.
The therapist does not impose honesty on the client as an obligation. Rather than saying "You have to tell me everything", they aim to build a safe relationship in which opening up becomes easier on its own. A client can say they are not yet ready to discuss a subject; that is a far more valuable honesty than a lie. In individual therapy with adults, this trust is built over time, step by step.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will the therapist know if I'm lying?
Not always. Therapists may notice inconsistencies, changes in tone of voice or avoided subjects; but catching lies is not their job. Therapy progresses to the extent the client shares, so honesty benefits you far more than the therapist.
How do I correct a lie I told earlier?
The simplest way is to say it directly: "I told you this before, but actually the situation was different." Therapists are used to corrections like this and usually see them as a sign of growing trust. Talking about why you described it differently at the time also contributes to the process.
Do I have to tell my therapist everything?
No. You decide which subject to raise and when. Saying "I don't want to talk about this for now" is a much healthier path than hiding something or lying. On matters that concern your safety, however, sharing is very important.
Will my therapist stop seeing me if they find out I lied?
No, a therapist is not expected to end therapy for this reason. The therapist tries to understand the fear behind the lie and sees it as something to work on together. This conversation often makes the therapeutic relationship even stronger.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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