Will My Therapist Judge Me? Talking About Things You Feel Ashamed Of

Do you stay silent, wondering whether your therapist will judge you? Read why sharing what you feel ashamed of matters in therapy and how to take that step.

You have been going to therapy for three sessions. You have talked about stress at work, sleeplessness and the tension with your family. But you have not yet raised the thing that really brought you here, the subject you have never told anyone. At the end of every session you think, "I'll say it this week," and then, as you walk out of the door, you change your mind again. The voice inside you is always the same: "What will they think of me if they hear this?" The question "will my therapist judge me?" crosses the minds of many people who are starting therapy or thinking about starting. In this article I explain where the fear of being judged comes from, how therapists approach what clients tell them, why it matters to raise subjects that feel shameful, and how you can take this step at your own pace.

Will My Therapist Judge Me? The Short Answer

At the heart of the therapeutic profession lies listening to the client without judgement. This does not mean the therapist has no thoughts of their own; but the therapist's task is not to label you as good or bad, it is to understand what you are going through and to help you. Professional ethics explicitly require respect for the client's values, choices and life circumstances.

Another reason for this is that, throughout their professional training and experience, therapists encounter a very wide range of human experience. A thought, feeling or behaviour that you believe "only I in the whole world have" is often, for the therapist, an understandable human experience that they have heard before in other forms. This does not make your experience unimportant; but it shows that you are not alone.

So what happens if the therapist's own values differ from yours? Therapists are also people with beliefs, opinions and life choices. However, an important part of professional training is learning not to impose these personal values on the client. The therapist is there not to pass judgement on your religion, political views, family structure, lifestyle or decisions, but to understand what place these decisions hold in your life. If a therapist realises that their own values are making it difficult to work with a client, addressing this in supervision or, if necessary, making an appropriate referral is also part of their ethical responsibility.

Still, to be honest, the fear of being judged does not go away through logic alone. That is because this fear is often not about the therapist but about what you have been through in the past and how you see yourself.

What Do People Find Hardest to Say in Therapy?

The subjects that feel shameful vary from person to person, but some of the topics commonly encountered in therapy are:

• Disturbing thoughts: unwanted thoughts about harming loved ones, images that cannot be shaken off, the fear of "What if I lose control?"
• Family and relationship secrets: anger or even hatred felt towards someone close, regret about becoming a parent, a mistake made in a relationship.
• Addictions and habits: alcohol use, gambling, uncontrolled shopping, hidden debts.
• Body-related subjects: eating behaviours, intense shame about the way one's body looks.
• Thoughts of self-harm and death: the fear that "If I say it, they'll have me admitted to hospital straight away" or "They'll think I'm exaggerating".
• Past experiences: experiences such as abuse, violence or neglect; sometimes a person stays silent because they hold themselves responsible.
• Troubles that seem "silly": the thought that "There are people far worse off than me, and I'm crying over something so small."

If any of the items on this list feel familiar, here is what you need to know: these subjects are talked about in the therapy room far more often than people imagine.

Where Does the Fear "Will My Therapist Judge Me?" Come From?

Underneath the worry about whether a therapist will judge you there is usually the feeling of shame. Guilt says, "I did something bad"; shame says, "I am bad." That is why shame pushes a person to hide, to stay silent and to become invisible. For more on the psychology of shame, you can have a look at the article on the feeling of shame.

Some of the factors that feed the fear of being judged are:

• Past experiences: if you were mocked or scolded when you opened up about a problem, or if your secret was told to others, it is entirely natural that you expect the same thing to happen today.
• Social pressure: cultural messages such as "What will people say?", "Family matters stay within the family" or "A real man doesn't talk about his troubles" make it harder to discuss a personal problem with a stranger. If you live in a small town or in a circle where everyone knows each other, this worry may be even greater.
• Mental health stigma: prejudices such as "Anyone who sees a psychologist must be mad" can make even the act of going to therapy a source of shame.
• An internalised critical voice: if you have a very harsh inner voice towards yourself, you assume that others will judge you with the same harshness. In fact, the judgement you fear is often your own.

When you say the thing you feel ashamed of in therapy, half the weight often lifts while you are still putting that sentence together.

Why Does It Matter to Say What You Feel Ashamed Of?

Subjects that go unspoken become therapy's blind spot. A therapist can only work with as much as you share. For example, working only on sleep patterns with someone who comes in for insomnia but hides a gambling habit that keeps them up until late at night may not touch the core of the problem.

Raising the subject you feel ashamed of has several important benefits:

1. An accurate picture forms: when the therapist sees the problem as a whole, it becomes easier to draw up a roadmap that suits you.
2. Shame loses its power: shame grows the more it is hidden. An experience that is told to a safe person and met with understanding often loses its former weight.
3. A new experience takes place: being met with understanding while thinking "If I say this, I'll be rejected" can shake a person's beliefs about themselves and others.
4. The sense of loneliness decreases: sharing for the first time a burden you have carried alone for years is a source of relief in itself.

Let's say a young father realises after the birth of his second child that he cannot feel the closeness he expected towards the baby, and that at times he even wants to get away from them. He cannot tell anyone, because he thinks, "Does a good father feel like this?" After talking in therapy about work and tiredness for months, one day he puts this feeling into words. The therapist, without seeming surprised, discussing how this feeling can occur during periods of intense tiredness and change, lightens his burden of guilt and allows the real work to begin.

In another example, a woman close to retirement cannot sleep at night because she cannot tell anyone about a credit card debt she has hidden from her husband for years. In therapy she at first says only "I'm a bit stressed about money". But when, a few sessions later, she describes the amount of the debt and how it built up, it becomes clear why her anxiety is so intense, and a concrete plan can also be made for how she might discuss the matter with her husband. As the hidden subject is opened up, it becomes something that can be worked on.

Confidentiality in Therapy: What Happens to What You Say?

Alongside the fear of being judged, another frequently voiced worry is that what is said will reach other people. Confidentiality in therapy is one of the profession's fundamental ethical principles. What you talk about in the session is not shared with your family, your employer or anyone else without your permission.

Confidentiality has limited exceptions, and these are usually discussed openly in the first meeting:

• When there is a serious and imminent danger to the life of the person or someone else
• When there is information that a child or someone in need of protection is being abused or neglected
• When there is a legal obligation, for example a court order

These exceptions exist not to punish the person but to protect their safety. For detailed information you can read the article on confidentiality in therapy. If you are not sure about the limits of confidentiality, it is entirely legitimate to ask your therapist "What happens if I tell you this?" before you share something.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, do not hold back from telling your therapist. Sharing these thoughts does not automatically mean you will be admitted somewhere; it is the first step in planning your safety together. If you do not feel safe at that moment, call 112 (emergency services) without waiting, or go to the nearest emergency department.

What Can You Do to Make Opening Up Easier?

Raising a subject you feel ashamed of in therapy does not have to happen all at once. The small steps below may help you:

• Say your fear first: even saying "There's something I want to tell you but I feel very ashamed of it" before telling the subject itself is an important beginning. After this sentence, the therapist helps you move forward while respecting your pace.
• Bring it in writing: for some people writing is easier than speaking. You can bring a short note to the session and have your therapist read it, or read it yourself.
• Tell it bit by bit: you do not have to tell everything at once in full detail. It is possible to give a general outline first and add the details over time.
• Allow yourself to look away: while telling something difficult, looking at the floor or out of the window, crying or staying silent is entirely normal.
• Ask about the reaction: after telling it, asking "What did you think when you heard this?" helps you compare the scenarios going round in your head with reality.
• Make use of what online sessions offer: some people find it easier to raise difficult subjects while talking via a screen in the familiar surroundings of their own home. Whatever the format of the session, you can discuss with your therapist the conditions in which you feel most comfortable.
• Be kind to yourself: if you could not say it in one session, that is not a failure. When you are ready, the subject will still be waiting for you.

If you have worries about the first meeting, the article on the first therapy session, which describes what happens in the first session, may also give you some idea.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Shame and the fear of being judged can steer many areas of life, not only therapy. You might consider seeing a professional in the following situations:

• If you have long been carrying a burden you have not been able to share with anyone, and this burden is affecting your sleep, your work or your relationships.
• If you avoid social situations and cannot tell anyone about your troubles because of the fear of being judged.
• If you constantly talk to yourself in a harsh, demeaning inner voice.
• If an experience of abuse or violence in your past still affects you deeply.

Sometimes the fear of being judged even prevents a person from starting therapy: they spend months wondering "Should I go?" but cannot make the first phone call. If you are in this situation, it may help to remember that you do not have to tell everything in the first meeting. The first step may simply be getting to know each other and learning how the process works.

These experiences do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they suggest that sharing this burden in a safe setting may do you good.

How Are Shame and the Fear of Judgement Addressed in Therapy?

In individual therapy, shame and the fear of being judged can be worked on directly, because they often appear within therapy itself.

In cognitive behavioural therapy, thoughts such as "If I say this, the therapist will be disgusted by me" are examined like other automatic thoughts: What is the evidence for this thought, is there another possibility, what is the worst that could happen and, if it did, how could it be coped with? Sharing something small in therapy and observing the therapist's reaction becomes a live way of testing this thought.

From the perspective of schema therapy, an intense fear of being judged may be linked to the "defectiveness/shame" schema. People with this schema believe that somewhere inside they are fundamentally flawed and that, if this flaw is seen, they will not be loved. In therapy, the aim is to understand where this belief comes from and to have a new experience through the accepting relationship built with the therapist.

Compassion-focused work, meanwhile, helps a person notice the harsh inner voice directed at themselves and learn to approach themselves in more understanding language. This process takes time; but each act of sharing lifts the cover over shame a little further.

Frequently Asked Questions

What happens if I lie to my psychologist?

You have the right not to say things you do not want to talk about in therapy; but giving false information can change the direction of the work. If you are not yet ready to share a subject, saying "I don't want to talk about this right now" is far more helpful than giving a made-up answer.

If my therapist's facial expression changes, does that mean I'm being judged?

Therapists are human too, and sadness, surprise or concern may appear on their faces while they listen to a difficult story. This is usually not judgement but a sign of feeling with you. If you are not sure, asking your therapist what they felt is the healthiest way forward.

Could my therapist stop seeing me because of what I tell them?

It is not usual for a therapist to stop seeing you because of the weight of a subject you have told them about. Sometimes, if the therapist thinks the subject requires a different area of expertise, they may suggest an appropriate referral; this too is not to reject you but to make sure you receive the most suitable support.

I'm embarrassed about crying in therapy; is this normal?

Yes, many people hesitate to cry in a session. Yet crying is a common experience in therapy, and one that is often a relief. The therapist sees it not as a weakness but as an important feeling coming to the surface.

• #shame
• #opening up in therapy
• #fear of judgement
• #confidentiality

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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