Which Instrument Should My Child Play? Following Interest, Not Pushing

Which instrument should your child play? Read about noticing interest, trial periods, the child who wants to quit and how pressure affects children.

When September comes, one more question is added alongside school enrolment: "Should we sign the children up for a music course this year?" Some families dream of the piano they never got to play in their own childhood, some are impressed by the neighbour's daughter's violin concert, and others think, "A child who plays the guitar will be more at ease among friends." The question of which instrument a child should play is not really just a choice of instrument; it is a decision that brings together the child's interests, temperament, the family's expectations and the realities of daily life. In this article we talk about how you can observe your child's interest when making this decision, how you can plan a trial period and, most importantly, how to avoid turning music into an area of pressure for your child.

Which Instrument Should My Child Play? Asking the Right Question First

Most parents start this decision with the question "Which instrument is more beneficial?" A more useful question, however, is: "What can my child, as they are right now, build an enjoyable relationship with?"

There is no single "right instrument". Each instrument has its own sound, learning curve and physical skills it requires. A sound that fascinates one child may bore another. For this reason, the child, not the instrument, should be at the centre of the choice.

A few basic points worth bearing in mind here can be listed as follows:

• The child's interests: which sounds do they prick up their ears to? Which songs do they want to hear again and again?
• Their temperament: is this an active, energetic child, or a calm child who can stay with one task for a long time?
• Their physical development: finger and hand skills, height and breath control can make starting certain instruments easier or harder.
• Family circumstances: budget, suitable space for practice at home, noise in apartment living, transport and time.

The answers to these questions are only a starting point. The real information emerges in the child's first encounters with an instrument.

How Can You Observe Your Child's Interest?

A child's interest in music often shows itself in everyday moments. Being an attentive observer as a parent can tell you far more than a course brochure.

Everyday clues

• Do they ask you to turn up a particular song when it comes on in the car?
• In the kitchen, do they keep rhythm with saucepan lids, or hum a melody?
• At a wedding, do they watch the davul and zurna (drum and shawm) or the keyboard on stage?
• Do they prefer cartoon theme tunes or songs with lyrics?
• When they see an instrument, do they want to touch it and try it?

Imagine a six-year-old girl who, at every bayram (religious holiday) visit, will not leave her grandfather's bağlama (Turkish long-necked lute), plucking the strings one by one and listening to the sounds. Her family, however, is planning to prepare her for ballet and piano. Here, noticing the interest the child shows of her own accord may require the family to reconsider its own plan. This does not mean the bağlama is "better" than the piano; it simply shows where the child's curiosity is heading.

Concerts and chances to get acquainted

Introducing a child to different instruments makes the choice easier. Free children's concerts organised by municipalities and cultural centres, school performances, and instruments in the homes of relatives and neighbours are lovely opportunities for this. Many music schools also offer trial lessons. Seeing, touching and getting a sound out of an instrument is often the strongest push for a child to say, "This is the one I want." After trial lessons, asking your child "How did you feel while you were playing each one?" rather than "Which one was nicer?" can help you understand their experience better. Leaving the decision for a few days can prevent choices made in a moment of excitement; a child who is still talking about the same instrument a week later is telling you something important.

In a child's relationship with music the first goal is not a skill but a love; skill grows on top of that love.

Temperament and Development: What to Consider When Deciding Which Instrument Your Child Should Play

Children's temperaments differ, and these differences can be taken into account when choosing an instrument. However, these are not firm rules, only clues to help your thinking.

• Active and energetic children: rhythm instruments, drums or instruments that involve the body more may suit these children's energy.
• Calm, detail-oriented children: instruments that require long periods of focus and fine adjustments may be enjoyable for these children.
• Sociable children: a choir, an orchestra or instruments played in a group can increase the pleasure of making music with others.
• Shy children: starting with instruments that can be practised alone may help them gain confidence without creating stage anxiety.

Physical development matters too. Some instruments require a wider hand span, stronger fingers or better breath control. Giving a very young child a physically demanding instrument can quickly lead to disappointment. Instruments sized for the child's age and the views of experienced teachers can be a helpful guide here.

In Turkey, many children's first encounter with music is with the recorder or the melodica at school. Because these instruments are affordable and portable, they can offer a good start. Some children want to move on to another instrument after this introduction, and that is perfectly natural.

The Belief That "Music Boosts Intelligence" and Realistic Expectations

Many families rely on the idea that "music develops intelligence" when they enrol their child in a music course. One of the common sources of this belief is the idea known as the "Mozart effect". However, it has not been proven that listening to Mozart or playing an instrument permanently increases intelligence.

This does not mean music is worthless for children. Making music can be a lovely way to enjoy yourself, to express yourself, to experience patience and effort, and to create something together with others. However, seeing music only as a "tool for academic success" can damage a child's relationship with it. If a child feels they play their instrument only "to be clever" or "to do well in exams", the pleasure they get from music may diminish.

Realistic expectations might be:

• That the child enjoys music and builds a relationship with it
• That they experience the value of regular practice and small steps of progress
• That they find a new way of expressing themselves
• That, if they wish, they can make music with their friends and family

These expectations last far longer than success in an exam or competition. Conservatoire entrance exams or competitions can be a meaningful goal for some children; but it is important that this goal comes from the child themselves and does not get in the way of the pleasure of music.

Supporting Without Pushing: Suggestions for Parents

Whatever answer you give to the question of which instrument your child should play, the parent's attitude is very important in helping a child build a long-lasting and enjoyable relationship with an instrument. The suggestions below can help strengthen that attitude:

• Allow a trial period: before starting an instrument, agree together on a trial period, for example a few months. At the end of this period, talk together about whether to continue.
• Make practice a routine, not a punishment: rather than "No tablet if you don't practise", set aside a particular time of day as a short and enjoyable practice time.
• Notice effort rather than results: saying "I can see how much effort you've put into this piece" rather than "You played that beautifully" helps the child see the value of their effort. You can find ideas on how to give praise in our article on self-confidence in children.
• Do not compare: comparing them with a sibling, a cousin or the neighbour's child turns music into a race.
• Do not load your own dream onto your child: an instrument you wanted to play as a child but never could does not have to be your child's dream.
• Listen and share together: listen to the pieces your child plays, and introduce them to songs you love too. Music can become something the family shares.
• Consider the practicalities: practising loud instruments in a flat can cause tension with neighbours; thinking in advance about quiet practice options or suitable times makes things easier. The cost of living can also be taken into account; second-hand or rented instruments can be a reasonable option for the first period.

What if your child wants to quit?

After the initial excitement, many children at some point say, "I don't want to play any more." This does not always mean the wrong instrument was chosen. Sometimes a piece has become too difficult, sometimes there is a mismatch with the teacher, and sometimes the child wants to turn to something else.

In this situation, it is important first to listen with curiosity: asking "What's the hardest thing for you?" often reveals the source of the problem. Perhaps a break is needed, perhaps a different teacher, perhaps trying another instrument. Between making the child carry on at all costs and letting them stop immediately, a middle path decided together is often the healthiest option.

It is also worth remembering that stopping is not a failure. A child who plays an instrument for a while and then stops may have gained valuable experiences with music, and may return to music years later.

Music and Feelings: What Place Can an Instrument Have in a Child's Life?

Over time, an instrument can become not just a skill in a child's life but also a companion for their feelings. A child who has had a hard day at school coming home and hitting their drum for ten minutes, or playing the same chord on their guitar over and over, may be finding a way to let out something they cannot put into words. For a child approaching adolescence, playing pieces of their own choosing in their own room can mean creating a space of their own without having to answer to anyone.

That is why it is important not to see the instrument only as a "lesson". Allowing the child sometimes to play however they like, independently of sheet music and assigned pieces, can help them build a personal relationship with music. Rather than saying "Why are you fiddling about instead of practising your piece?", making room for these free moments can help music become a means of expression for the child rather than an item on a list of responsibilities.

Of course, music is not the solution to every difficulty a child faces. But it can be one of many small habits that help a child regulate their feelings. By noticing in which emotional states their child turns to their instrument, parents can also gain valuable clues about the child's inner world; it is enough to observe these with curiosity, without judgement.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Music education is an enjoyable experience for most children. In some situations, however, the difficulties a child is experiencing may go beyond the music lesson:

• If the child experiences intense anxiety, stomach aches, crying fits or sleep problems before lessons or concerts
• If they get excessively angry with themselves when they make a mistake and say things like "I can't do anything right"
• If, when music lessons are combined with burdens such as school and preparation for the LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam), the child looks clearly tired, unmotivated and unhappy
• If the relationship between parent and child has turned into constant conflict over practice times

These situations do not in themselves mean there is a problem; but getting support from a professional can be helpful in understanding the anxiety and pressure the child is experiencing. In child and play therapy, the child's feelings are addressed through age-appropriate means such as play, drawing and talking; work is also done with parents on developing an approach that suits the child's needs. If you are curious about the place of play in child development, our article on the importance of play may also give you some ideas.

Frequently Asked Questions

At what age should a child start learning an instrument?

There is no single right age. The child's interest, physical development and the skills the instrument requires should be considered together. Getting to know music through rhythm and song games at a young age can lay a good foundation before starting a particular instrument.

My child wants to try more than one instrument; is that a problem?

No. Trying different instruments can help a child find the one that suits them. However, enrolling them in too many courses at once can tire them out; trying instruments one after another may be healthier.

Will a music course affect my child's schoolwork?

This depends largely on the child's overall load. In a balanced schedule, music can offer the child a space for rest and enjoyment. But when school, homework, exam preparation and courses pile up, the child may become tired; in that case it is worth reviewing the schedule together.

If my child isn't talented, is music education a waste?

No. The value of making music is not measured only by talent. Enjoying it, experiencing patience and effort, expressing oneself and making music with others are valuable experiences whatever a child's level of talent.

• #children and music
• #choosing an instrument
• #parenting
• #child development

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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