A Child Who Can't Express Feelings: Building Bridges Through Drawing and Play

When a child who can't express feelings keeps saying I don't know, what might it mean? Ways to support emotional language through drawing, play and daily chats.

They come home from school with a long face, drop their bag by the door and go to their room. "What's wrong, has something happened?" you ask. The answer is always the same: "I don't know." A little later, either a fight with a sibling breaks out or they don't touch their plate at dinner. A child who can't express their feelings leaves parents both worried and helpless: it is obvious something is going on inside, but there seems to be no way of reaching what it is. In this article we look at why children may struggle to put feelings into words, how drawing and play can serve as a bridge at this point, ways of supporting emotional language in everyday life, and when it may be helpful to seek support from a professional.

A Child Who Can't Express Feelings: What Might "I Don't Know" Mean?

To adults, the answer "I don't know" often sounds like evasion or stubbornness. Yet children often use the phrase quite literally: they really don't know. There is discomfort, heaviness or restlessness inside them, but they don't yet know what it is called, where it comes from or how to explain it.

"I don't know" can also mean:

• "I don't want to talk right now." The child may be aware of the feeling but not have the energy or willingness to explain it at that moment.
• "I'm not sure what will happen if I tell you." They may be afraid of being told off or punished, of upsetting their parents, or of getting a friend into trouble.
• "I'm feeling too many things." When sadness, anger and shame are experienced all at once, describing them in a single word is hard even for an adult.
• "I don't have enough words to explain this." Especially at a young age, emotional vocabulary is limited; few words are known beyond "good", "bad" and "angry".

All of these possibilities explain why it may work better to open other doors for the child, rather than forcing them to talk.

Why Do Children Struggle to Put Their Feelings Into Words?

Noticing, naming and describing emotions are skills that develop with time and experience. How developed these skills are in a particular child varies with their age, temperament and the environment they grow up in.

Some factors can make this process harder:

• Age and development: A preschool child often shows feelings through their body and behaviour: crying, hitting, withdrawing, tummy aches. It takes time for a feeling to turn into a word.
• Talking about feelings not being usual at home: In homes where sentences such as "Real men don't cry", "You're a big kid now, stop whining" or "What's there to be upset about?" are heard often, a child may learn that showing feelings is not welcome.
• Temperament: Some children are naturally more introverted; they prefer to experience their feelings inwardly and digest them on their own.
• Intense or complex feelings: In situations such as parents divorcing, a house move, a loss, the birth of a sibling or difficulties at school, what a child feels can be complex and intense.
• Differences in language and communication: Children who have difficulties in speech and language development, or who have differences in social communication, may face additional challenges in expressing their feelings.

Let's say a nine-year-old boy often gets angry at school during a period when his father has lost his job and money talk at home has increased. When asked "What's wrong?", he says, "I don't know, I'm just cross." In fact he is feeling anxiety, uncertainty and sadness for his family; but he doesn't yet have the words to separate these out and describe them. At a time when the rising cost of living is affecting many households in Turkey, it is important to remember that children carry this tension too, in their own language.

For a broader picture of how emotion regulation skills develop in children, you can read our article on emotion regulation in children.

Building a Bridge Through Drawing for a Child Who Can't Express Feelings

Drawing can open up a space for expression where words fall short. But the aim here is not to "decode what the child feels from the drawing"; it is to help the child come closer to their own feeling through the drawing and talk about it.

Some drawing activities you can try at home:

1. Feeling colours: Ask your child which colours they would use to show different feelings (happiness, anger, sadness, fear, surprise). Then ask them to colour in a sheet with "the colours that were inside you today". Colours have no "correct" meaning; what matters is the child's own choice.
2. Body map: Draw an outline of a person and ask your child to colour where in their body they feel something when they are angry or afraid. Phrases such as "There's a knot in my tummy" or "My hands get hot" help link the feeling to the body.
3. Feelings thermometer: Draw a thermometer and mark the bottom "a little" and the top "a lot". The child can mark how angry or sad they are today. This is an easy way to talk about the intensity of a feeling.
4. Picture of the day: Saying "Would you draw something that happened at school today?" creates far less pressure than asking directly "What happened?" Once the drawing is finished, you can ask with curiosity, "What's happening in this picture?"
5. Draw your monster: For a frightened or angry child, the question "If your fear had a shape, what would it look like?" creates a playful distance. After drawing their monster, the child can give it a name, make it smaller or put a funny hat on it.

What matters in these activities is listening to what the child says without interpreting it. Rather than drawing conclusions such as "You've used black, so you must be very sad", saying "Can you tell me about this part?" leaves room for the child to find the meaning. If you are curious about how creative methods are used with children in more detail, you can look at the topic of art therapy for children.

Talking Through Play: Puppets, Toys and Stories

Play is children's natural language. Within play, a child can say through a toy, a puppet or a story character what they cannot say in real life. This distance gives the child a safe space.

• Puppets or toy animals: When you ask "What might this teddy bear have been through at school today?", the child may describe their own experiences by giving them to the teddy. You can respond to the teddy and name the feeling: "Oh, it looks like teddy was really sad when his friends wouldn't let him play."
• Role play: Games such as school, doctor or house allow a child to re-enact scenes they have lived through. A child who takes on the teacher's role may show through play what was hard for them in class.
• Storybooks: Picture books about feelings can help a child compare their own experience with a character in the book. The question "Have you ever felt like that?" is a bridge from the book to the child's life.
• Talking side by side: Many children talk more easily not when sitting face to face but when doing something side by side: in the car, on a walk, while preparing food together or doing a jigsaw. When the feeling of being questioned directly fades, the words may come more easily.

If a child cannot tell you how they feel, they need more doors opened, not more questions asked.

Developing Emotional Language in Everyday Life: Tips for Parents

Drawing and play are powerful tools; but emotional language develops most in everyday life, in small moments. The following steps can help:

• Name feelings. Observe the situation your child is in and give it a name: "You were really cross when the tower fell down", "It feels a bit empty inside since Grandma left, doesn't it?" This expands the child's emotional vocabulary.
• Share your own feelings too. Saying "I got a bit stressed at work today; I'm going to have a cup of tea now and calm down" shows that talking about feelings is normal.
• Don't minimise the feeling. Instead of "What's there to cry about?", saying "That mattered to you, I understand" lets the child feel their emotion is accepted.
• Separate the feeling from the behaviour. Saying "It makes sense that you're angry, but hitting your brother is not okay" allows the feeling while keeping the limit.
• Pay attention to timing. It is hard to talk while a child is in the middle of an intense feeling. Help them calm down first; leave the conversation for later.
• Wait. Sometimes a child begins to talk hours later, just before bed, when the lights are off. Being open to these moments matters.

Working with the school can also help. Your child's class teacher or the school counsellor sees how they are during the day from a different angle from you. Small pieces of information about what a child who says "I don't know" at home goes through in certain lessons, at break time or on the school bus can help you put the pieces of the picture together. It is important to have these conversations not to "complain" about the child but to understand them together.

A child who can't express their feelings sometimes talks more easily alongside a sibling or a close friend. Another adult the child trusts, such as an aunt or a grandfather, can also be a valuable door in this process. What matters is that the child has at least one safe relationship in which they can share their feelings. The fact that they don't tell you doesn't mean they don't love or trust you; sometimes they stay silent precisely so as not to upset you.

A Word of Caution When Reading Meaning Into Drawings and Play

You may see something in your child's drawing or play that catches your attention: dark colours, figures fighting, a crying baby. These observations can be starting points for talking with the child; but on their own they should not be interpreted as a sign of a diagnosis, trauma or abuse.

Research shows that diagnosing from children's drawings is not reliable, and that human figure drawings are among the tools with the most limited evidence of validity in this area. Drawings can be influenced by the child's mood that day, their interests, a cartoon they have watched or simply which paint they happen to have. The same applies to play: games involving conflict are an ordinary part of children trying to make sense of the world.

Also, your child's drawings belong to them. Sharing these drawings on social media to ask "is something wrong?" or having others interpret them goes against the child's privacy. If there is something you are worried about, it is better to talk it over with a professional who can assess the child's overall state.

When Should You Seek Professional Support? Drawing and Play in Therapy

Struggling to express feelings is an ordinary part of development for most children. However, if any of the following apply, consulting a professional may be helpful:

• The child expresses feelings through frequent, intense outbursts of anger, hitting or damaging things
• Marked withdrawal, moving away from friends, losing interest in games they used to love
• Frequent unexplained tummy aches or headaches, or not wanting to go to school
• Marked changes in sleep and appetite, nightmares
• Restlessness lasting for weeks after a loss, separation, earthquake or shattering event
• Self-harming behaviour or frequent statements about death

If your child is harming themselves or talking about ending their life, call 112 (emergency services) without delay or go to your nearest emergency department.

In psychological support with children, drawing, play, puppets and the sand tray are among the tools through which a child can express themselves. For example, building a world with small figures in a sand tray can allow a child to put on stage something they cannot put into words; you can find information about this method in our article on sand tray therapy. The work done in this process is used not to make a diagnosis but to discover meaning together with the child. What the child produces belongs to them; sharing with the family is also done with the child's consent in mind.

Parent sessions are also an important part of the process. Parents can review together how feelings are talked about at home and how they respond to their child's feelings, and agree on small steps to support emotional language. If you have questions about your child's emotional world, these issues can be addressed according to the child's age and needs in child and play therapy.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child says "I don't know" to every question. Are they being stubborn?

Usually not. Children may not have the words to name their feelings, or may not be ready to talk at that moment. Rather than questioning them, opening doors through drawing, play or activities done side by side may work better.

Will a child who can't express their feelings have problems later on?

Emotional language is a skill that develops with time and support. A home where feelings are named and accepted supports this development. If the difficulty continues for a long time and affects daily life, consulting a professional is helpful.

What should I do if I see worrying things in my child's drawings?

First, ask with curiosity and without interpreting: "What's happening in this picture?" A single drawing is not enough to make a diagnosis. If you remain worried, you can talk with a professional with whom you can assess the child's overall state together.

From what age can children put their feelings into words?

This varies by age and by child. In the preschool years, basic feelings start to be named; describing more complex feelings continues to develop through the school years and adolescence. Every child progresses at their own pace.

• #child can't express feelings
• #emotional language in children
• #communicating through play
• #parenting guide

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler