Effects of Divorce on Teenagers: When Parents Separate During Adolescence

How do the effects of divorce on teenagers show? How to tell a teenager about separation, avoid loyalty conflicts, and spot the signs that call for support.

"You've been unhappy for years anyway, I knew." This response from a sixteen-year-old to the news of a divorce surprises many parents. To explain divorce to young children, people use stories, simple sentences and dolls. With a teenager, a different conversation takes place: they have long since noticed the silent dinners at home and the arguments behind closed doors; they come to you with questions, with anger, sometimes with a cold distance. The effects of divorce on teenagers follow a different path from those on younger children, because the young person is dealing with the break-up of the family and with the effort of building their own identity at the same time. In this article I look at what may be seen in young people whose parents separate during adolescence, what parents make easier or harder in this process, and how support can be sought when needed.

How Does a Teenager Experience Divorce Differently from a Young Child?

Young children often link divorce to their own behaviour: "Dad left because I was naughty." Teenagers, on the other hand, have the cognitive maturity to understand the reasons for a divorce much better. This does not make things easier for them; on the contrary, it leads them to question what has happened more deeply.

A teenager begins to see their parents no longer just as "my mum" and "my dad" but as two adults with faults, weaknesses and choices. The divorce process speeds up this view. Some young people take sides and blame one of the parents; some are angry with both; others develop a pessimistic belief about relationships: "Marriage doesn't work anyway; you can't trust anyone."

Adolescence is also a period in which the young person gradually moves away from the family and turns towards their friends. A young person who wants to move away from home just as their family is falling apart can get caught between these two movements: when they go out with friends, they feel guilty for leaving their mother alone; when they stay at home, they feel they are missing out on their own life.

Teenagers also follow the household's financial situation closely. In a home trying to get by on a single income, at a time when the cost of living is already a strain, a young person may start to hesitate to mention the fee for exam-preparation classes or a course, or to ask for new shoes. Some quietly save from their pocket money; some go as far as deciding things like "I don't really need to go to university." Explaining the financial situation to the young person honestly, but without making them responsible for it, prevents these silent sacrifices.

How Do the Effects of Divorce on Teenagers Show?

Every young person reacts differently to divorce, and these reactions can change over time. A young person who seems calm in the first weeks may become angry months later; one whose first reaction is tears may adapt faster than expected. Some of the common reactions are:

• Anger and rebellion: Challenging rules, speaking harshly, sentences such as "You've ruined your own lives, don't interfere in mine"
• Withdrawal: Retreating to their room, not talking, drifting away from activities they enjoy
• A drop in school performance: Distractibility, neglecting homework, absences
• Risky behaviour: Coming home late, trying cigarettes or alcohol, slipping out of the parents' supervision
• Physical complaints: Headaches, stomach aches, disrupted sleep
• Growing up too fast: Taking on the parent's emotional burden, becoming their confidant or comforter
• Relief: In young people who have lived in a conflict-ridden home for a long time, divorce can bring relief. This relief is sometimes followed by guilt: "I'm glad they split up; is that a bad thing?"

The reactions listed here do not in themselves amount to a disorder; they are understandable responses to a major change. What matters is how long these reactions last, how intense they are and how much they affect the young person's life.

It Is Not the Divorce but the Way It Happens That Matters

Studies on the effects of divorce on teenagers show that the most decisive factor is not so much the divorce itself as whether the conflict between the parents continues. In families where the parents can communicate respectfully with each other after the divorce, young people generally adapt over time. In families where the conflict continues in courtrooms, over the phone and through the young person, the difficulties last longer.

Chief among the situations that add to a young person's burden are these:

Being made the messenger. "Tell your father he hasn't paid this month's money", "Ask your mother whether she'll let you come for the bayram (religious holiday)". A young person carrying messages between parents ends up in the middle of both sides' anger.

Loyalty conflict. In families where one parent runs down the other, and faces fall when the young person comes back happy from the other home, the young person lives with a tension that makes them feel they must choose between their two parents. A young person who has had a lovely weekend at their father's new home begins to hide it from their mother when they get back.

Being made the confidant. When a parent shares the details of the divorce, the other parent's mistakes, their own loneliness and their financial difficulties with the young person, it places them in the position of an adult friend. The young person may take on this role out of love, but this burden does not belong to their age.

Sudden and numerous changes. If home, school, neighbourhood, circle of friends and financial circumstances all change at once, the young person finds nothing to hold on to. Moving into a grandparent's home after a separation is common in Turkey and calls for an adjustment of its own.

What others say. Relatives' pitying looks, as in "What a shame, now they're a child of a broken home", or classmates' questions, can make a young person feel ashamed. Telling the young person that they can decide for themselves how much they want to answer such questions is reassuring.

How Do You Tell a Teenager About a Divorce?

There is no perfect time to have this conversation with a young person, but some principles make it easier. If there are also younger siblings, the explanation for them will be different; the article how to tell a child about divorce offers detailed age-by-age suggestions on this.

• Tell them together if possible. Both parents explaining the same decision at the same table gives the young person the message, "Even though Mum and Dad are separating, they can still act together when it comes to me."
• Be honest but limited. The teenager will want to know the reason for the decision. A general explanation such as "We can't be happy together; we tried very hard" is enough. Sharing details that belong to adults, such as infidelity, debt or the court process, pushes the young person into taking sides.
• Give concrete information. Young people are strongly affected by uncertainty. Make the answers to questions such as where they will live, whether their school will change, how weekends will go, and what will happen to their room and belongings as clear as possible.
• Take responsibility. You need to say, "This is our decision; it has nothing to do with you." Teenagers can feel guilty too, especially if some of the arguments at home broke out over issues relating to them.
• Make room for their reaction. The young person may shout, slam the door and leave, or say "Fine" without saying anything else. None of these means the conversation has failed. The conversation does not end in a single evening; keep the door open over the following days and weeks.

A teenager needs to know not so much the reasons for the divorce as what will and will not change for them after it.

What Can Be Done to Soften the Effects of Divorce on Teenagers?

Keep conflict out of the young person's world. Have arguments where the young person cannot hear them, preferably by short written messages. Do not use the young person's phone as a channel of communication between the parents.

Do not run down the other parent. However hurt you are by your ex-spouse, belittling them in front of the young person belittles part of the young person's own identity. A young person carries something of both their parents.

Establish a consistent shared routine. Rules, study times and screen time do not have to be exactly the same in both homes; but agreeing on the basics prevents the young person from playing one home off against the other. The article on co-parenting contains practical suggestions on this.

Ask for the young person's view, but do not leave the decision to them. Teenagers can express a view on how much time they want to spend in which home, and these views should be taken seriously. But putting the question "Who do you want to live with?" directly to them leaves the responsibility of choosing a parent on their shoulders.

Protect the young person's own life. When the weekend schedule is being decided, take the young person's matches, courses and meet-ups with friends into account. For a fifteen-year-old, being cut off from friends every Saturday for the sake of going to their father's home makes the relationship harder. Flexibility helps the young person maintain their bond with both homes.

Plan the bayrams and special days. In Turkey, the religious holidays (bayrams) are important days on which the older members of the family are visited. Discussing in advance, and calmly, which parent these days will be spent with and how reduces last-minute fights and the young person's worry: "Whom am I going to upset?"

Grieve for yourself, but do not lean on the young person. Divorce is a loss for you too. Getting support from your friends, your family or a specialist prevents the young person from carrying your emotional burden.

Do not rush new relationships. Before introducing a new partner to the young person, make sure the relationship is serious and lasting. Teenagers are often more sensitive about this than young children.

A Few Words for Young People Whose Parents Are Separating

This section is addressed to young people reading this article.

Your parents separating is a decision made in your life but not made by you. So it is entirely understandable that you feel angry, sad, confused or relieved; and it is just as understandable to feel several of these on the same day.

• You do not have to choose. You have the right to love both your parents and to spend time with both.
• You can refuse to be the messenger. Saying "Could you tell them that yourself?" is not disrespectful; it is protecting yourself.
• You decide whom you tell your private matters to. If you do not want to share it with your friends, saying "It's a family matter" is enough.
• Carrying on with your own life is not betrayal. Going to a match, laughing with your friends and doing the things you love do not mean disrespecting the sadness at home.
• Find someone you can talk to. Your school counsellor, a relative you trust or a specialist can help you avoid carrying the burden alone.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It is to be expected that a young person will be sad, angry or confused during a divorce. However, the following signs suggest that professional support may be helpful:

• The young person's low mood, withdrawal or anger is not easing, or is increasing, even after several months
• There is a marked and persistent drop in school performance, or absences
• Alcohol or substance use or dangerous behaviour has begun
• The young person completely refuses to see one of the parents
• Changes in sleep, appetite or weight are noticeable
• The young person talks about hopelessness or life being meaningless, or is harming themselves; in such a situation, call 112 (emergency services) urgently

Sometimes it is not the young person but the parents who need support. When the two parents are struggling to manage the conflict, parental counselling indirectly reduces the young person's burden.

How Is the Divorce Process Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, the teenager is first offered a space, independent of both parents, where they can talk about what they are going through without being judged. Many young people cannot express their real feelings at home so as not to upset their mother or father. The therapy room becomes a place where these feelings can be talked about safely.

Within the framework of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "This happened because of me", "I can never trust anyone again" and "My life is ruined" are examined and more balanced perspectives are developed. Skills for coping with anger, anxiety and feelings of loss are worked on. With young people experiencing a loyalty conflict, the conversation explores how loving both parents is possible and legitimate.

Where necessary, separate or joint meetings with the parents are held to build a shared language around the young person's needs. For detailed information about work with young people, you can take a look at the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is a teenager's view taken into account in custody decisions?

In custody cases in Turkey, the views of children old enough to express them are generally heard, and expert reports are drawn on in this regard. However, as legal details can differ from case to case, this needs to be discussed with a lawyer. From a psychological point of view, what matters is that the young person's view is asked for, but the burden of the final decision is not left to them.

My teenager's grades dropped after the divorce; is this permanent?

A temporary drop in attention and motivation is common after a major change such as divorce. As the home routine settles and the tension between the parents eases, many young people's academic performance recovers. If the drop lasts beyond a term, it is advisable to work with the school counsellor and to talk about the underlying emotional burden.

What should I do if my teenager does not want to go to their other parent?

First try to understand the reason for this reluctance; sometimes their plans with friends, sometimes the presence of a new partner, and sometimes the young person's sense of loyalty to you may lie behind it. The young person should not be sent by force, but nor should the relationship be allowed to break off completely. If there is a serious concern about safety, be sure to assess it with a specialist.

Can the effects of divorce on teenagers appear years later?

Some young people go through the process relatively calmly, but old feelings can resurface in their first romantic relationships, when leaving home, or when making their own decisions about marriage. This does not mean the young person is "stuck" somewhere; new stages of life call for past experiences to be given new meaning. Having someone to talk to at that time makes things easier.

• #divorce
• #adolescent psychology
• #co-parenting
• #family change

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler