What is expat loneliness, and why do you feel lonely despite a good career? Read the signs, causes and ways to build meaningful connections abroad.
From the outside, everything looks fine: a good position at an international company, a flat in the city centre, an impressive LinkedIn profile, friends back in Turkey commenting "You're so lucky." But when you get home on a Friday evening, it doesn't occur to you to call anyone; you have no plans for the weekend, and most of the messages on your phone are from work groups. You, who present with confidence in meetings, find yourself in a strange emptiness in a quiet flat on a Sunday afternoon. Expat loneliness is an experience that is common among educated people regarded as "successful", especially those who have moved abroad for their careers, but it is rarely spoken about. In this article we look at what expat loneliness is, the signs by which it shows itself, why it is so common, and what you can do to build more meaningful connections abroad.
What Is Expat Loneliness?
"Expat" (expatriate) is a term usually used for people, often skilled and relatively well paid, who live in another country for work, career or education. In recent years many people from Turkey who have moved abroad in fields such as software, engineering, healthcare, finance and academia see themselves in this group.
Expat loneliness is the feeling of loneliness that comes from a lack of deep, meaningful and safe relationships despite a financially and professionally stable life. There is an important distinction here: being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing. Someone who sits in meetings with people all day and is invited to dinners can also feel lonely. This is because loneliness is not about how many people are around you, but about whether you feel truly seen, understood and that you belong.
In psychology, loneliness is usually considered in three dimensions: emotional loneliness (the lack of a close, safe bond), social loneliness (not belonging to a friendship group or community) and existential loneliness (a deep sense of disconnection from the meaning of life). Expat loneliness often includes all three.
What Are the Signs of Expat Loneliness?
People who appear successful usually hide their loneliness well, even from themselves. The following signs may catch your attention:
Emotional signs
- An emptiness and sadness that intensifies especially in the evenings and at weekends
- The feeling that "I have everything, but I'm not happy"
- Achievements feeling meaningless because there is no one to share them with
- Feeling "temporary", like someone who doesn't belong anywhere
Thought-related signs
- The thought "If I say I'm lonely, I'll look weak"
- The interpretation "Everyone is happy here, the problem is me"
- Idealising old friendships in Turkey
- Constantly asking "Was it worth coming here?"
Behavioural signs
- Filling the emptiness with overtime and making work your only area of life
- Spending weekends in front of a screen, with series and social media
- Constantly postponing new social invitations
- Starting to use alcohol as a way of coping with loneliness
Physical signs
- Sleep problems, especially on Sunday evenings
- Constant tiredness, low energy
- Physical complaints linked to stress
These signs on their own do not amount to a diagnosis. However, if they have lasted for a long time, they may be linked to low mood and burnout. If you are curious about the general aspects of loneliness, our article on the feeling of loneliness may also be a useful guide.
Successful but Lonely: Why Does Expat Loneliness Happen?
Behind expat loneliness are several causes that feed one another.
The loss of natural settings for making friends. In Turkey, friendships often develop spontaneously through school, the neighbourhood, relatives, military service or work environments that last many years. In adulthood, in a new country, these settings do not exist. Making friends takes conscious effort.
Work-driven migration. People who move for their careers usually spend their first years adjusting to the job. Long working hours reduce the energy left for a social life. Friendships at work often remain superficial.
Cultural differences. In some countries people can be more reserved; dropping in on someone without a plan, meeting spontaneously for coffee or calling often may not be customary. For someone used to the warmth of Turkish culture, to hospitality and to the habit of "let's have a cup of tea together", this difference can feel like rejection. It is important to know that it is not a personal rejection, but a different social rhythm.
A constantly changing circle. In expat communities, people often change city or country. When a friend you have just become close to moves to another country, it can be hard to reconnect. At some point a person may start to protect themselves with the thought "They'll leave anyway."
The belief "I have no right to complain". Family and friends in Turkey may find it hard to understand that someone with a good job abroad is struggling. Reactions such as "They have everything there, what is missing?" stop the person from sharing their feelings. This deepens the loneliness.
A success identity. Being known for a long time as a "strong, successful, independent" person makes it hard to show need and vulnerability.
Distance between language and emotion. Many people who speak English or the local language fluently at work feel a distance when they express their emotions in it. Jokes, hints, childhood memories or phrases like "I feel weighed down" may not translate fully into another language. This can mean new friendships do not deepen beyond a certain point.
Imagine someone in their thirties working at a tech company in Berlin who meets dozens of people in meetings during the day, joins business lunches and is liked by their team. But on their birthday they are waiting for a call from Turkey from someone who really knows them; they spend the evening alone and mention it to nobody. The next day at work, when asked "How was your weekend?", they answer "Good." This person, who looks social and successful from the outside, feels deep down that nobody truly knows them. Expat loneliness often looks exactly like this: quiet, hidden and behind a visible crowd.
The Effect of Expat Loneliness on Relationships and Family
For single expats. Loneliness can show itself as rushing into a relationship or, conversely, avoiding closeness altogether. Dating someone from a different culture also brings new expectations.
For couples. One partner may be busy at work and have social connections while the other stays home alone. Or both are lonely but try to meet all their emotional needs only through each other. This puts great strain on the relationship. One person cannot meet a human being's entire need for friends, family and community.
For parents. Expat families with children lack the extended family support available in Turkey. The absence of grandmothers and aunts is felt both practically and emotionally.
Relationships with family in Turkey. Although distance is partly made up for by video calls, the small shared moments of everyday life are missing. A person may feel "neither within the family in Turkey nor here".
Success can carry a life, but it cannot make it meaningful on its own; meaning usually comes from the people we share it with.
What You Can Do to Cope with Expat Loneliness
Loneliness is not a personality flaw but a signal of need, just as hunger points to the need for food. The following steps can help you respond to that need.
1. Acknowledge your loneliness
Saying "I am lonely" is not weakness but honesty. Admitting this to yourself is the beginning of looking for a solution.
2. Join settings that repeat
Research shows that friendships usually grow out of meeting the same people again and again. Instead of one-off events, join groups that meet regularly: a weekly running group, a book club, a language exchange, a choir, volunteering or a sports class.
3. Volunteer to take the first step
Many expats wait for others to invite them. Yet most people may be waiting for the same thing. Saying to a colleague "Shall we have a coffee at the weekend?" is a small but effective step. If you are turned down, try not to take it personally.
4. Balance the Turkish community and the local environment
Turkish associations or communities in the city where you live can offer a place where you can speak your mother tongue and your cultural context is understood. At the same time, forming bonds with local people and people from other nations strengthens your sense of belonging to the city. You don't have to choose one or the other.
5. Stop letting work be your only area of identity
Revive your interests outside work: music, sport, crafts, hiking. These areas give you both a chance to meet new people and the possibility of feeling "who you are" independently of work.
6. Consciously nurture your old bonds
Set up a regular rhythm of video calls with a few close friends in Turkey. For example, the first Sunday of every month, at the same time. These calls remind you that you are known and loved. But remember too that they do not replace forming new bonds; friendships far away and new friendships nearby are complements, not rivals.
7. Share your vulnerability gradually
Closeness develops through mutual opening up. Saying to someone you trust, "Sometimes I feel very lonely here," can deepen the relationship. Often the person in front of you will say they are going through something similar.
8. Avoid filling the gap with alcohol and overwork
These methods bring relief in the short term, but in the long term they can increase loneliness and burnout. Plan small, healthy rituals for your evenings.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You may consider seeking support from a specialist in the following situations:
- If the feeling of loneliness has lasted for months and is growing more intense
- If feelings of low mood, hopelessness or meaninglessness affect your everyday life
- If your work performance is dropping or you are experiencing signs of burnout
- If you have started to use alcohol or other substances more often
- If you feel intense anxiety in social settings and avoid them because of it
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.
Mental health services in the country where you live, or your company's employee assistance programme, are also resources you can use. Some people find it easier to express their emotions in their mother tongue, unlike the language of work. You can look at the options on the page about psychological support for Turks abroad.
How Is Expat Loneliness Approached in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
When working with expat loneliness, a framework based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often used.
Noticing the cycle that maintains loneliness. A person who feels lonely may be more on guard in social settings, focus on signs of rejection and, as a result, make fewer social approaches. In therapy this cycle is mapped out together.
Examining thoughts. Thoughts such as "Nobody wants to be friends with me", "The people in this country are cold" or "If I say I'm lonely I'll look like a failure" are examined together with the evidence.
Small social experiments. Steps such as inviting a colleague for coffee or going to a group for a second time are planned, and the results are reviewed together.
Values and meaning. We talk about what matters in your life beyond your career and what kind of life you want to build. This is also an important area of work for existential loneliness.
Working with schemas. In some people, early patterns such as "emotional deprivation" or "defectiveness" can make it difficult to build closeness. Noticing these patterns can open up new choices in relationships.
Sessions can be arranged as online therapy, taking your busy work calendar and time difference into account. A quiet, private room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. Payment is made online; pricing in TL and payment with an international card are possible. We recommend checking the insurance terms in the country where you live regarding reimbursement.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel lonely when I have a good job and income?
Yes. Financial and professional stability does not remove the need for close, safe relationships. Expat loneliness is an experience that many people who look successful go through but rarely talk about.
Does expat loneliness pass by itself over time?
For some people new bonds form over time and the loneliness fades. However, if conscious steps are not taken, loneliness can become chronic. Joining regular social settings and making time for relationships makes this process easier.
Should I only make friends with Turks?
That is entirely your choice. The Turkish community can offer relaxation in your mother tongue and cultural closeness; local and international friendships can strengthen your sense of belonging to the city. For most people, a balance of the two is the most comforting.
Is going to therapy for loneliness an overreaction?
No. Loneliness is a significant experience that can affect mental health and general wellbeing. Therapy can help you notice the thought and behaviour patterns that maintain loneliness and find ways of building new bonds.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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