What is the right age for giving up the dummy, and which methods work? A step-by-step guide that involves your child and eases the first nights, without chilli.
At a check-up, the dentist says "it's time to give it up now." Your mother-in-law suggests, "Rub a bit of chilli on the tip and they'll give it up in a day." A neighbour laughs as she tells you how the cat snatched her grandchild's dummy. Your child, meanwhile, unaware of all these conversations, hides their dummy under the pillow and looks for it before every sleep. Giving up the dummy is a period many families keep postponing while being constantly reminded of it by questions from those around them. In this article we look at what the dummy means for a child, how you can choose a suitable time to stop and how to plan a goodbye that involves the child in the process, without tricking or frightening them.
What Does the Dummy Mean to a Child?
Sucking is one of the strongest reflexes babies are born with, and it does not serve feeding alone. Sucking slows a baby's heart rate, relaxes their body and reduces crying. This is why, in infancy, the dummy is an effective tool for self-soothing.
As the child grows, the dummy becomes more than a habit. It is a signal for falling asleep, for pulling themselves together when tired and for feeling safe in an unfamiliar setting. Just as items like a blanket or a soft toy, known in developmental psychology as "transitional objects", build a bridge of security, the dummy takes on a similar role for many children.
For this reason, giving up the dummy is, from the child's point of view, a small grieving process. The child crying, getting angry or being grumpy in the first days is not "being spoilt"; it is a natural reaction to losing a soothing method they love. Knowing this helps parents keep their patience.
What Is the Right Age for Giving Up the Dummy?
Paediatricians and dentists generally recommend reducing dummy use after the first year and ending it by around the middle of the preschool years. Long-term and intensive use can affect the alignment of the teeth and the development of the palate; a dummy that stays in the mouth all day can also limit the child's attempts to speak and make sounds freely. In children who have frequent middle ear infections, doctors may also ask for dummy use to be reduced. For an assessment specific to your child, it is important to take into account the recommendations of your paediatrician and dentist.
As much as the calendar, whether the child is ready is also decisive. The following signs suggest that the process may go more smoothly:
- The dummy is no longer wanted all day, but mostly at sleep times and when tired
- The child can understand simple explanations and join in with a story
- They have other ways of soothing themselves too: cuddling, holding on to a soft toy, listening to a song
- The child has begun to emphasise their independence with phrases such as "I'm big now" or "I can do it"
When is it better to wait?
Some times are not suitable for saying goodbye to the dummy. During periods such as the first weeks of nursery, the birth of a new sibling, moving house, a change of carer or one parent being away from home for a long time, the child's need for security is already heightened. Taking the dummy away during these periods means removing one of the child's coping tools exactly when they need it most. For suggestions on settling into nursery, see our article on the nursery settling-in process.
Similarly, holiday visits to relatives, long journeys or periods of illness may also call for waiting temporarily. Choosing a calm period of a few weeks when the routine has settled makes half the job easier.
Methods for Giving Up the Dummy: Gradually or All at Once?
There is no single right method. The child's temperament, how often they use the dummy and the family's routine determine the approach. The approaches below can be used separately or together.
Gradual reduction
In this method, the situations in which the dummy is used are narrowed step by step:
- First, the dummy is not used outside the home; it stays at home rather than in the bag.
- Then it is used only in the child's room, and after that only in bed.
- After a while it is given only while falling asleep, and taken out of the child's mouth once they are asleep.
- In the final stage, night-time sleep also becomes dummy-free.
The gradual method is especially suitable for children who are prone to anxiety and find it hard to adapt to changes. At each stage, giving the child a few days to a week to adjust is enough.
A prepared goodbye
For some children, a drawn-out process means negotiating afresh every day. For these children, a clear goodbye day prepared in advance may work better. What matters is the difference between "all at once" and "without warning". The child is told days beforehand, the day is marked on the calendar and the goodbye is done with a ritual.
Some of the goodbye rituals families often use:
- Giving the dummies as a gift to newborn babies: The child puts their dummies in a box, decorates the box and sends it to "the little babies". In return, they may receive a "big kid" present.
- Swapping for a toy: The child takes their dummies and exchanges them in a shop for a toy they choose themselves. Something concrete in return is meaningful for a preschool child.
- A goodbye letter or drawing: The child draws a picture thanking the dummy. This makes the emotional side of the goodbye visible too.
Whichever ritual you choose, involving the child in the decision as much as possible, and letting them hand over the dummy with their own hands, eases the process.
How should you talk to your child beforehand?
Whichever method you choose, hearing about the change in advance gives the child a chance to prepare. Preschool children do not yet fully understand abstract concepts of time, so using concrete markers instead of "soon" helps. Crossing off a box together every morning on a calendar stuck to the fridge shows how many sleeps are left until goodbye day.
When you talk, choose short and positive sentences: "Your dummy helped you a lot when you were a baby. You're bigger now, and you know other ways to fall asleep too. On Saturday we'll say goodbye to your dummies together." If the child objects, accept their feeling without getting into an argument: "I know it feels a bit sad. I'll be right there with you."
Picture books about saying goodbye to the dummy, or a "dummy goodbye" game played with a doll, also support the preparation. By first playing out their doll giving up the dummy and comforting it, the child rehearses the feeling they are going to experience from a safe distance. It is best for this preparation period not to go beyond a week or two; a countdown that drags on too long can increase anxiety.
What to Avoid When Giving Up the Dummy
Many "practical" suggestions from those around you may seem to work in the short term, but can shake the child's sense of trust.
Rubbing on chilli, vinegar or tomato paste: Putting a bad taste on the dummy suddenly turns the child's most trusted soothing tool into a source of disgust. After this experience, some children may also become hesitant about trying new foods. It can also cause irritation around the mouth.
Cutting off the tip: Cutting the tip off the dummy and saying "it's broken" is used in some families. However, pieces of a cut dummy carry a risk of being swallowed and choking; for this reason, it is not recommended.
Tricking them: Explanations such as "The cat took it" or "It's lost, we can't find it" make it harder for the child to make sense of the loss. The child keeps searching for the dummy, and when they learn the truth, their trust in their parent's word can be damaged. Instead, choose an open goodbye that the child takes part in.
Shaming: Words such as "You're a big girl now, are you a baby?" or "Your friends would laugh if they saw you" lead the child to feel bad not only about the dummy but about themselves.
Snatching the dummy away in anger: On a tiring evening, at a moment when patience has run out, taking the dummy from the child's hand and throwing it in the bin turns the goodbye into a punishment.
Taking the dummy away is easy; the real work is teaching the child to find the security it gave them in other ways.
After Giving Up the Dummy: What to Expect in the First Nights
For most children, the first few nights are hard. Falling asleep may take longer, night waking may increase and the child may be grumpier and clingier during the day. These reactions are generally temporary and decrease with the family's consistency.
To make this period easier:
- Add a new soother to the bedtime routine. A lullaby, back rubbing, a special soft toy or a short story to take the dummy's place can become a new sleep cue.
- Give more cuddles. Because the child has lost a way of calming down, they may want to be closer to their parent. This is not going backwards; it is building a new balance.
- Provide plenty of play and movement during the day. The right amount of tiredness makes the transition to sleep easier.
- Keep your word. Giving the dummy back on the third night when the crying increases sends the child the message "if I cry enough, it comes back" and makes the next attempt harder.
Imagine a three-and-a-half-year-old boy who cries for half an hour at bedtime on the evening he sent his dummies to the newborn babies in the hospital. His mother sits beside him, strokes him and, when he asks where the dummy is, says in a calm voice: "You gave them to the babies, and now they'll sleep comfortably like you. You can cuddle me instead." On the second night the crying is shorter, and on the fourth night he falls asleep hugging his new teddy bear. By the end of the week, the dummy has become a story he tells proudly at evening chats.
Involving Grandparents in the Process
In Turkey, many children spend part of their day with a grandmother. The success of a plan for giving up the dummy often depends on these grandparents taking part in it. If the parents are firm at home while the grandmother says, "I can't bear it, they're crying," and secretly produces a dummy from her bag, the child is caught between two different sets of rules and the process drags on.
Before starting the plan, sitting down with the grandparents, sharing your reasons and asking for their contribution to ways of soothing the child works well. Questions such as "How do you get them to sleep? Which lullaby do you sing?" invite the grandparents into a supportive rather than obstructive role. The childminder or nursery teacher should also be aware of the details of the plan.
In busy family settings, another issue is teasing. Cousins or uncles gathered together at a religious holiday teasing, "Here comes the baby with the dummy," can make the child feel ashamed while preparing to say goodbye. Briefly informing relatives in advance and asking them not to bring up the dummy in front of the child protects their ability to go through this process at their own pace. Once the goodbye is complete, an appreciative sentence from a grandparent such as "I heard you gave your dummies to the babies" becomes a special source of pride for the child.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
For most children, saying goodbye to the dummy settles within a few weeks. However, in some situations it can be helpful to talk to a specialist:
- If even weeks after giving up the dummy, intense crying, serious disruption to sleep and daytime restlessness continue
- If, instead of the dummy, the child has turned to intense thumb sucking, nail biting or other behaviours that could cause them harm
- If the attempt to give up the dummy is accompanied by withdrawal in other areas too, such as regression in toilet skills, less talking or social withdrawal
- If the child generally reacts to separations, changes and new situations with excessive anxiety
If you have concerns about tooth alignment or palate development, an assessment by a paediatric dentist is important; if you have concerns about speech development, an assessment by a paediatrician and a speech and language therapist is important. If thumb sucking has started in place of the dummy, you can read our article on thumb sucking for how to approach this habit.
How Is Giving Up the Dummy Addressed in Therapy?
When families come in about the dummy, the problem is often not the dummy itself but the child's general level of anxiety or the difficulty the family has in managing the process. For this reason, the first step is a detailed meeting with the parents: in which situations the dummy is used, which methods have been tried before, the child's general sleep and adjustment history and differences in rules within the family are assessed.
Parent guidance supports creating a plan suited to the child's age and temperament, helping parents act consistently and bear the crying of the first nights. Drawing on cognitive behavioural principles, gradual steps are identified and the child's successes are noticed and reinforced.
For children who are anxious or find it hard to adapt to changes, play therapy allows themes of separation and loss to be worked through in play. Through scenarios in which the child gives a dummy to their dolls and then plays at the dolls growing up, they can make sense of their own experience. To learn more about this approach, you can visit our child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it harmful to dip the dummy in honey or something sugary?
Yes, it is not recommended. Sugary substances increase the risk of decay in milk teeth, and honey in particular is not suitable for infant health before the first year. Adding flavour to the dummy can also strengthen the habit even further.
Is it a problem if the dummy is only used for sleep?
For a child who doesn't use a dummy during the day and only sucks it while falling asleep, this is generally the final stage of gradual weaning. Even so, if your dentist observes an effect, you need to plan a suitable time to complete this stage too.
Can sleep training be done at the same time as giving up the dummy?
Making more than one big change at the same time can be hard on a child. For example, giving up the dummy and moving to a separate room at once means the child loses two sources of security together. It is better to complete one change, let it settle, and then move on to the other.
What should I say if my child asks for their dummy back?
A short, consistent and compassionate answer is enough: "You gave your dummies to the babies, and I know you miss them. Come here, let's have a cuddle." Accepting their feeling without changing the decision helps the child complete the goodbye.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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