How do you plan settling into nursery? Preparation before the start, a week-by-week settling-in timetable, a goodbye ritual and ways to support a crying child.
Many parents who hand their child into the teacher's arms at the nursery door and walk back to the car cry once they are behind the wheel. Inside, the child is crying; outside, the parent is. Both are just learning to be apart from each other. Settling into nursery is one of the first big social transitions in a child's life; for the parent, it is often a period in which returning to work, financial necessity and guilt are all tangled together. In this article we explain, step by step, the preparation you can do before nursery starts, a realistic settling-in timetable for the first weeks, how to say goodbye, and which reactions are ordinary and which need attention.
Why Is Settling into Nursery Hard?
For a child aged between one and three, the mother, father or main caregiver is a safe harbour to look back to while exploring the world. While near this harbour the child explores freely; when they move away from it, they are on alert. Nursery means being apart from this harbour for hours for the first time, trusting adults they don't know and existing within a crowded group.
At this age a child cannot yet grasp time. The sentence "I'll come in the afternoon" means nothing to them. They gain trust that the parent will go and come back only by experiencing it again and again. That is why settling into nursery is not completed in a day; it is built slowly through repeated separations and reunions.
Crying at separation is, for a child of this age, a sign of healthy attachment. The child protests the separation because they trust their parent and care about them. So a child who cries at the door is not a child who "won't settle" at nursery.
Before Nursery Starts: Two to Three Weeks of Preparation
Settling in begins not on the first day of nursery but a few weeks before.
Visit the nursery together. If possible, spend a short while together in the garden or the classroom. Let your child see the teacher's face, the smell of the classroom and the toys in advance.
Bring the daily rhythm closer. Find out the nursery's times for breakfast, lunch and nap, and gradually shift the routine at home towards these times over a few weeks. Moving a child who will need to wake at seven from nine to seven on the first day adds tiredness on top of separation.
Try short separations. Before leaving your child in a completely unfamiliar setting, let them experience separations of an hour or two with their grandmother or a familiar neighbour. Say goodbye each time and come back when you said you would.
Talk about nursery positively and realistically. Use concrete sentences such as "At nursery you'll have friends, you'll do colouring, you'll have lunch, and then I'll come and pick you up." Avoid exaggerated promises such as "You'll have so much fun there, you won't cry at all."
Bring nursery into play. At home, play "going to nursery" with dolls: the doll has breakfast in the morning, picks up its bag, is handed over to its teacher, plays, eats and in the evening its mother comes to collect it. In this game let your child sometimes be the teacher and sometimes the parent. Play lets the child rehearse in advance the flow of the day they will live and see again and again that at the end of separation comes reunion.
Support self-care skills. Small skills such as drinking from a cup, eating with a spoon and taking shoes off help the child feel more capable at nursery.
A Sample Settling-In Timetable, Week by Week
Every nursery has its own settling-in programme, and it is important to find out what it is. However, many families may be told by the nursery to "leave them for the full day from day one". The plan below is a gradual example that can be stretched to suit the child's pace.
Week one: Exploring together and short separations
- Days 1 and 2: Stay in the classroom with your child for about an hour. Sit in a corner and watch your child join in with play. Give the teacher space to engage with the child.
- Days 3 and 4: Stay together for half an hour, then say goodbye and step out for thirty minutes. Don't leave the nursery; make the time of your return clear.
- Day 5: Say goodbye and leave for an hour. Make your return come after a concrete event such as breakfast or snack time: "I'll come after you've eaten your fruit."
Week two: A stretch that includes meals
Leave your child until lunch and collect them straight after the meal. Mealtime is an important indicator of how much the child trusts the teacher and the group. If they start eating on their own this week, that is a good sign.
Week three: Nap time
Sleeping at nursery is the most delicate stage of settling in, because falling asleep requires the child to feel completely safe. A familiar pillowcase from home, a small blanket or a favourite toy can make a big difference at this stage. Start by collecting your child after their nap.
Week four and beyond: Full days
If your child has started napping at nursery, you can move on to full days. During the first week of full days, collect your child a little early if you can.
If the nursery's settling-in programme is different
Some nurseries do not allow parents to stay in the classroom, or set aside only a few days for settling in. In that case, try to find a shared way forward by talking with the nursery: perhaps you can wait in the garden or the entrance hall instead of the classroom; perhaps half days are possible in the first week. If you cannot follow this timetable because you work, setting aside the last week of your leave for settling in, or sharing part of the settling-in with your partner or an older relative the child knows, can help. What matters is that the child's first separations are as short and predictable as possible.
For some children this timetable is squeezed into two weeks; for others it stretches over two months. Settling into nursery moves at a different pace for every child; not comparing your child with other children puts both you and them at ease.
How Should You Say Goodbye When Settling into Nursery?
The moment of goodbye is perhaps the most critical minute of settling in. The two most common mistakes parents make at this moment are either slipping away secretly or dragging out the goodbye.
Don't slip away. Leaving unnoticed while the child is absorbed in play prevents crying in that moment. But when the child looks up and cannot see you, they learn that the parent can vanish without warning at any moment. The next day they cling to you more tightly and won't take their eyes off you.
Create a short, consistent ritual. Say goodbye the same way every morning: a hug, two kisses, a special clap or a little phrase like "See you later, alligator". A ritual gives the child the security of knowing in advance what will happen.
Explain when you will come with a concrete event. For example: "I'll come after you wake up from your nap."
Don't go back on your decision to leave. Returning because your child is crying after you have said goodbye restarts the separation every time. Getting a short message from the teacher after you leave will calm your own anxiety.
Give a transitional object. A scarf carrying the scent of mother or father, a family photo that fits in a pocket or a toy from home is a bridge the child can hold on to during the day.
Tears at the nursery door are a sign of love; the familiar face they see at the door in the evening is a sign of trust.
What Might Happen at Home? Ordinary Reactions
In the first weeks, many children seem to do quite well at nursery but fall apart when they get home. A child who has been trying to hold themselves together all day releases the built-up tiredness and tension the moment they see the person they trust most. Crying, crankiness and getting angry over small things are ordinary during this period.
Alongside these, the following reactions may also be seen:
- Waking more often at night, not wanting to sleep alone
- Short-lived accidents in a child who has completed toilet training
- Talking in a more babyish way, wanting to be carried
- Changes in appetite
- Clinging more to the parent, following them around even inside the house
These regressions are usually temporary and lessen as settling in takes hold. During this period, it helps to keep evenings calm, predictable and full of physical closeness, and not to take the child on to new activities or visits after nursery.
The moment of pick-up matters as much as the goodbye. In the first weeks, take care not to be later than the time you promised; being the last child left in the classroom can shake trust during this period. When you see your child at the door, put your phone away, crouch to their eye level and enjoy the reunion. Don't be surprised if your child ignores you or cries instead of running to you; this too is an expression of the feelings they have carried all day.
The first winter is a time when children new to nursery fall ill often. Breaks due to illness can set settling in back somewhat. In that case, restarting the settling-in timetable in shortened form for a few days may be enough.
The Parent's Feelings Are Part of the Process Too
Settling into nursery is a period of adjustment not only for the child but also for the parent. A mother who goes to work after leaving her child may check her phone all day and replay the scene of her child crying in her mind over and over. The thought "I'm a bad mother because I have to leave him" crosses the minds of many working parents.
This period is often accompanied by comments from those around you, too. Sentences such as "He's still so little, why did he need to go to nursery?" or "In our day children grew up at home" add to the burden of a parent who already feels guilty. These comments usually come from love and worry; but remembering that your decision was made according to your own family's circumstances reduces your hesitation at the door.
Children read their parents' emotional state very well. A parent who is tense, hesitant and teary-eyed at the door may give the child the message "This is not a safe place." This does not mean you have to hide your feelings; it means creating a space outside the door where you can share your feelings with your partner or a friend.
If you are at the stage of choosing a nursery and are also considering a nanny or a grandmother, our article comparing these options from a psychological point of view, nursery or nanny, may be useful to you.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Most children settle into nursery within a few weeks to two months. It can be helpful to consult a specialist in these situations:
- If, even after six to eight weeks, morning separations are still very intense and long
- If the child cries all day at nursery and cannot join in with play, meals or naps at all
- If sleep and appetite problems have clearly increased and are continuing
- If the child has become withdrawn and lost interest in things they used to enjoy
- If they are clearly afraid of a particular person or a particular part of the nursery
- If at home they cannot be apart from their parent even briefly, and panic when the parent leaves the room
The last item may show that separation anxiety has spread beyond nursery. We discuss this in detail in our article on separation anxiety. With sudden fears directed at a particular person or place, it is important to have an open conversation with the nursery management and to take your observations seriously.
How Are Difficulties Settling into Nursery Addressed in Therapy?
Work with young children who are having difficulty settling into nursery is largely carried out together with the parent. During the assessment, the child's temperament, previous experiences of separation, changes in the family (the birth of a sibling, a house move, a parent returning to work) and the parent's own level of anxiety are considered.
In parent guidance, matters such as the goodbye ritual, reshaping the settling-in timetable to suit the child and cooperation with the teacher are planned concretely. Where needed, contact with the nursery teacher can also be part of the process.
With older children, play-based work opens up space for the child to express their feelings about separation. Goodbye and reunion scenes acted out with puppets, and games of disappearing and reappearing such as hide-and-seek, help the child process this experience symbolically. For more information on this approach, you can look at the child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
How many weeks does it take to settle into nursery?
This varies according to the child's age, temperament and previous experiences of separation. Many children settle noticeably within two to six weeks; for some children it may take a little longer. Morning crying getting shorter and the child joining in with play at nursery are good signs.
The teacher says "Just go, she'll cry but she'll get used to it." Is she right?
Some children can adapt easily to quick separations, but for many children a gradual transition is less unsettling. Talking with the teacher about your child's temperament and drawing up a shared plan is the healthiest way. You have every right to discuss this openly with an institution that does not allow a parent to stay in the classroom for a few days.
We took a week off because of illness. Do we have to start all over again?
Usually not. In the first few days after a break there may be more crying and clinging, but the child remembers the trust built before. Returning with a shortened programme for a few days is usually enough.
Do babies under one year old go through this process too?
Some babies who do not yet react noticeably to strangers, roughly before eight months, may start nursery with less crying. But at every age, a consistent caregiver and a calm transition matter. The baby should be given time to form a bond with the teacher who will care for them at nursery.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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