Nursery or nanny, or grandmother? A psychological guide to choosing well by your child's age, temperament, continuity of care and your family's circumstances.
Maternity leave ends in a few weeks. On the kitchen table there is a sheet of sums: nursery fees, a nanny's wage, the school bus, travel, whether grandmother can come from out of town. On one side the budget, on the other the question "Which is better for my child?" The nursery or nanny decision is one of the hardest choices working parents face, and it is usually made amid both emotional and financial realities. In this article, without praising or criticising any of these options, we look at what you need to consider from the point of view of your child's psychological needs and how you can make the decision that suits your family.
Nursery or Nanny? Asking the Right Question First
The nursery or nanny question is usually asked as "Which one is better?" Yet there is no single answer to this question that holds for everyone. The more useful question is this: "What does my child, at this age, with this temperament, in our family's circumstances, need most, and which option can provide it in a sustainable way?"
In the field of child development there is broad agreement on a few basic criteria that determine the quality of care. These criteria are more decisive than who provides the care and where:
- Sensitivity: Does the caregiver notice the child's signals and respond in a timely and appropriate way?
- Continuity: Can the child build a relationship with the same person over a long period, or does the caregiver change often?
- Warmth: Does the child look relaxed, content and safe with this person?
- A stimulating environment: Is there talk, play, exploration and activity suited to their age?
- Fit with the parents: Can cooperation on basic matters be established between caregiver and parent?
A good nursery, a conscientious nanny and a loving grandmother may each meet these criteria, or may not. What matters is not the name of the option but what is inside it.
A Closer Look at the Options
Nursery
The most obvious advantages of nursery are structure and peers. A set daily routine, trained teachers, being with children of the same age and institutional oversight can be enriching for many children, especially after the age of two and a half or three. When a nanny falls ill or leaves, the family is not suddenly left with nothing.
On the other hand, at nursery the number of children a teacher looks after at once is higher. For very young babies, this can mean less individual attention. Children new to nursery falling ill often in the first year is a separate challenge for working parents. Changes of teacher can be a problem, depending on the nursery's staff continuity. If you have decided to start nursery, a detailed plan for the first weeks can be found in our article on settling into nursery.
Nanny
The biggest advantage of a nanny at home is one-to-one attention and a familiar environment. The child sleeps in their own bed, plays with their own toys and eats at their own rhythm. Especially in the first eighteen months, this one-to-one relationship can offer a suitable ground for the child to form a secure bond.
However, the most delicate point of the nanny option is continuity. A child who goes through three nannies in a year has to bond again and lose again each time. The nanny's qualities, her fit with the parents and her role in the home (only childcare, or housework too?) need careful thought. A nanny keeping the child in front of a screen all day or being busy with housework can cancel out the advantage of one-to-one care. Because of the high cost of living, a nanny's wage can be a serious burden for many families.
Grandparents
In Turkey, many children grow up with their maternal or paternal grandmother. The warmth, trust and continuity of this option can be unmatched. The child grows up with someone who is part of their family and loves them unconditionally.
On the other hand, the grandmother's age, health and energy, her having different views on child-rearing from the parents, and the difficulty of setting limits are common problems. Arguments that begin with "I raised three children" are familiar in many families. We discuss the delicate balances involved in our article on leaving your child with grandmother.
In-between options
There are other options between nursery and nanny. Nurseries run by some municipalities and workplaces can be more accessible to families in terms of both cost and travel; a workplace nursery also lets the parent be close to the child during the day. Two families living in the same block of flats or housing estate sharing a nanny both lowers the cost and offers the child close to one-to-one attention along with a playmate. The same criteria apply in these arrangements too: sensitivity, continuity and fit with the parents.
The Role of the Child's Age in the Nursery or Nanny Decision
Age is one of the most important factors affecting the decision.
The first eighteen months: In this period, the baby's most basic need is to form a secure bond with a small number of consistent caregivers. A caregiver who responds quickly to the baby's crying, knows them and knows their rhythm is very valuable at this age. For this reason, many specialists consider one-to-one care or care in very small groups more suitable during this period. This does not mean nursery is bad at this age; babies can also thrive in an institution where one teacher looks after a small number of babies and staff do not change often. For more information on the foundations of attachment, you can look at our article on attachment styles.
Between eighteen months and three years: The child begins to take an interest in other children but still needs a great deal of adult support. In this period, a warm nursery with small groups, or a care arrangement that offers regular opportunities to meet peers, can strike a good balance.
Three years and over: Social skills such as peer relationships, waiting your turn, sharing and following group rules come to the fore at this age. Preschool education also becomes important as preparation for primary school. Even if a child of this age is cared for at home, joining a playgroup or a half-day preschool programme can be beneficial.
Temperament and Family Circumstances Are Part of the Decision Too
The child's temperament
Some children adapt easily to new settings and enjoy crowds. Others are slow to warm up, tire quickly from noise and find change hard. For a slow-to-warm-up child, the first months in a crowded nursery may be challenging; a setting with smaller groups or a gradual transition may be more suitable. For children who fall ill often or have a chronic health condition, getting your doctor's opinion is also important.
The family's circumstances
Working hours, commuting time, whether the parents work shifts, whether there are relatives in the city who can help, the budget and what will happen on sick days are the realistic side of the decision. If the option that looks emotionally "ideal" brings a financial or logistical burden the family cannot carry, it cannot be sustained in the long run, and this is reflected on the child.
Timing is also part of the decision. A change of care that coincides with major changes such as the birth of a sibling, a house move or one parent's long business trip can make adjustment harder for the child. If possible, changing the care arrangement a few months before or after such events means the child does not have to cope with more than one loss and novelty at the same time.
The parents' feelings
Some parents find it harder to leave their child with a nanny, others to leave them at nursery. Seeing a child attached to a nanny can stir up jealousy; a child crying at the nursery door can increase guilt. Noticing these feelings helps you let your child's needs, not these feelings, guide the decision.
What really matters for your child is not only who they are with all day, but who they find when you come home in the evening: a parent who is tired, but there.
Questions You Can Use When Deciding
Discussing these questions with your partner can clarify your decision:
- Given our child's current age and temperament, what do they need most: one-to-one attention, or peers and structure?
- Can we sustain this option for at least a year or two? Financially, logistically, emotionally?
- What is our back-up plan when the child is ill, or when the caregiver takes leave or leaves?
- Will we be able to speak the same language as the caregiver on basic matters (sleep, food, screens, discipline)?
- How will we monitor the quality of the caregiver or the institution? Do we have the opportunity for regular meetings, visits and feedback?
- Does this option fit our family's values and daily rhythm?
When assessing institutions and candidates, trust your own observations too. On a nursery visit, look at the children's faces: are they relaxed and busy, or are most of them waiting aimlessly in a corner? How do the teachers approach a crying child? When interviewing a nanny, ask her to spend a few hours with your child and watch how she talks to them and whether she sits on the floor and plays. The answer to the nursery or nanny question often lies in these small details. A paid trial period lets both you and the caregiver see whether this relationship is right.
Mixed solutions are also possible: three days a week at nursery and two with grandmother; a nanny in the mornings and a half-day preschool programme in the afternoons. But care is needed so that these arrangements do not become complicated for the child, and so that every day is predictable.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Whichever option you choose, there will be a period of transition. However, it can be helpful to consult a specialist in these situations:
- If, in a care arrangement that has lasted for months, your child still seems very unhappy and changes in sleep, appetite or behaviour are continuing
- If, after a change of caregiver, the child has become noticeably withdrawn or intense separation anxiety has begun
- If you notice signs such as unexplained bruises, sudden and intense fear of a particular person, or behaviours not appropriate for their age (in this case, the situation needs to be looked into without delay and, if necessary, the relevant authorities contacted)
- If the childcare decision has turned into an ongoing and wearing conflict with your partner or extended family
- If you are experiencing intense guilt, anxiety or low mood as you return to work
How Are Childcare and Returning to Work Addressed in Therapy?
In working with families who seek help on this subject, the aim is not to make the decision for the family but to clarify the decision-making process. The child's developmental history, temperament, the family's resources and the parents' feelings about the matter are assessed together.
In parent guidance, how to plan the move to the chosen care arrangement, how to communicate with the caregiver and how to understand the child's reactions are discussed. Thoughts a parent has on returning to work, such as "I'm a bad mother" or "I've left my child with someone else", can be examined with a cognitive behavioural approach.
Play-based work can be done with children who find it hard to adjust to changes in their care arrangement. Play is a young child's natural way of expressing feelings about separation, missing someone and new relationships. For more information on this approach, you can look at the child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does starting nursery before the age of one harm a child?
This depends largely on the quality of the nursery. In a warm and sensitive setting where one teacher looks after a small number of babies and staff do not change often, babies can develop healthily. When choosing an institution, be sure to ask about the number of babies per teacher and staff continuity.
My child has become very attached to the nanny. Will this weaken our bond?
Children can form secure bonds with more than one person, and this does not weaken the bond with the parent. A child becoming attached to their nanny is a sign that they are well cared for. The parent usually remains the most important figure in the child's life; you can see this clearly, especially in the evenings, at weekends and in difficult moments.
Is it right to use a camera to watch the nanny at home?
This is a matter with both legal and relational dimensions. If you are thinking of using a camera, discussing it openly with the nanny and avoiding secret recording is the foundation of a relationship based on trust. The real safeguard, however, comes from regular communication, a trial period, references and closely watching for changes in your child's behaviour.
How is a child affected when the nanny changes?
A change of caregiver is an experience of loss, especially for young children. Where possible, a transition in which the old and new caregivers spend a few days together, giving the child the chance to say goodbye and explaining the separation in words suited to their age make this process easier. Avoiding frequent changes is the most important protective step.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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