Is leaving your child with grandma the right choice? The benefits of grandparent childcare, the overlooked risks, overnight stays and easing daily goodbyes.
With two weeks of maternity leave left, the same conversation takes place in many households: nursery, a childminder, or grandma? Once nursery fees, the difficulty of finding a childminder and the worry of "handing the child over to a stranger" are taken into account, for many parents the answer emerges by itself. Leaving your child with grandma — in Turkey usually the maternal grandmother, the anneanne — is one of the childcare arrangements working parents turn to most often. This arrangement gives the child a familiar source of love and gives the parent peace of mind and financial relief. On the other hand, it brings risks such as grandma's fatigue, blurred rules, long separations and resentment within the family. In this article we look at the pros and cons of grandparent childcare, the particular case of overnight or long-term stays, and practical steps that can make this arrangement healthier for both the child and the family. We say "grandma" throughout; most of what is said applies to paternal grandmothers as well.
Why Is Leaving Your Child With Grandma So Common in Turkey?
There are both cultural and economic reasons behind how widespread grandparent care is. In a society where extended family ties are strong, looking after grandchildren is often seen by grandparents as both a duty and a source of happiness. At times of rising living costs, nursery and childminder fees can swallow a significant part of a salary; the grandma option lightens this burden.
Then there is the question of trust. Parents who see negative stories about childminders in the news feel it is safer to leave their child with "their own flesh and blood". In smaller towns, it is not always possible to find a good-quality nursery with flexible hours.
The arrangement takes very different forms from family to family: families who drop the child at grandma's on the way to work and pick them up in the evening; arrangements where grandma comes to the family's home every morning; arrangements where the child stays overnight at grandma's during the week and comes home at weekends; or long separations where parents working in another city leave the child with grandma in their hometown. Each has a different effect on the child.
The Benefits of Grandparent Childcare
A continuous, familiar bond: For young children, the most important thing is a steady adult who cares for them consistently and warmly. If grandma has been in the child's life since birth, the child can develop a secure bond with her. Compared with frequently changing childminders, this continuity is a significant advantage.
One-to-one attention: Receiving one-to-one attention rather than being cared for in a large group is valuable for language and emotional development, especially in the first two years. A child whose grandma chats to them, sings folk songs and tells stories grows up in a rich language environment.
Flexibility on sick days: For a feverish child who cannot go to nursery, grandma's home is a lifesaver. The number of days the parent needs to take off work goes down.
Passing on family culture: Preparations for religious holidays, family stories, recipes, songs from the old hometown... A grandmother is a living bridge connecting the child to the family's past.
A sense of security for the parent: Knowing their child is in safe hands allows a working parent to feel more at ease at work.
Meaning for the grandmother: This arrangement can give something not only to the child and parent but to the grandmother as well. For a woman who feels her days have emptied out after retirement, her grandchild's laughter, their walks together and the first words she teaches them can be a way of reconnecting with life.
The Overlooked Risks
Grandma burning out: For a woman in her sixties, following a baby or a lively toddler for eight or nine hours every day is a heavy physical burden. Back pain, poor sleep and chronic illnesses add further to this load. Many grandmothers find it hard to say they are tired, because saying "I can't cope with my grandchild" feels to them like admitting inadequacy.
Keeping the child busy with screens: For a tired adult, the television or tablet is the easiest helper. A child spending a large part of the day in front of a screen is a problem parents often do not notice.
Limits on movement and exploration: Out of worry that the child "will fall", "will catch cold" or "will get dirty", the child's play space may be narrowed. Going to the park rarely, being carried all the time or continuing to be spoon-fed can slow the development of the child's autonomy.
Safety knowledge not being updated: Recommendations on a baby's sleeping position, car seat use, the choking risk of small pieces of food or bringing down a fever have changed in recent years. Sharing this up-to-date information with grandma without blame — for instance by going to the paediatrician's check-up together — both improves safety and reduces the feeling of "they think I'm not good enough".
Blurred rules: A child who meets one set of rules during the day and another in the evening may start to push limits. We cover grandparents interfering with rules separately in our article on grandparent interference.
Unspoken resentments: When money is not discussed, when thanks are not given, or when grandma's work is taken for granted because "she's family anyway", resentment builds up over time. The reverse can happen too: the parent seethes inside because they feel unable to object to what grandma does.
The parent feeling left out: Grandma seeing the child's first steps, or the child crying "grandma" when feverish, can stir intense guilt and jealousy in some mothers and fathers.
Overnight or Long-Term Stays Are a Different Matter
There is a big difference between daytime care and a child staying with their grandmother during the week or for months at a time. Especially for children under three, a long separation from the parents can strain the attachment relationship.
Let us think it through with an example: a couple working in Istanbul leave their two-year-old son with his grandmother in Anatolia and visit every two or three weeks. On each visit the child is distant towards his mother for the first few hours, and just as he warms up it is time to say goodbye. When the parents leave, the child sleeps restlessly for days. The mother, for her part, cries all the way home every time with the feeling that "he doesn't know me any more".
Arrangements like this are sometimes born of necessity, and it cannot be said that they cause lasting harm to the child on their own. But to reduce the risks, attention should be paid to the following:
- Planning the shortest possible period and making the date of the child's return home clear
- Keeping visits frequent and regular; having short video calls every day in between
- Saying goodbye with a short, clear farewell rather than slipping away secretly
- Planning the return home gradually; accepting that the child will also miss grandma and may grieve for her
You can find out in detail what reactions to separation look like in our article on separation anxiety in children.
Things to Discuss Before Leaving Your Child With Grandma
What makes this arrangement work is an open conversation at the outset. Every issue skipped over with "she's my mum, it'll be fine" comes back months later as resentment.
Make sure grandma really wants to
The answer "Of course I'll look after them" does not always mean a genuine wish. Asking your mother "Would this be too much for you? I'd understand if you said no" gives her a real choice.
Make her work visible
Some families pay the grandmother regularly, some contribute to the bills, and some support her in other ways. Whichever route is chosen, it should be acknowledged that this work is not an ordinary favour but a real job. Even regular thanks changes a lot.
Agree on two or three non-negotiables
Discuss a few issues that matter to you from the start, such as screen time, bedtime and safety rules. Allow flexibility on the rest.
Plan grandma's right to rest
Half a day a week when the child spends time with another adult or in a short playgroup lets grandma catch her breath. In the preschool years, combining a few days a week of nursery with grandparent care can also be a balanced solution for many families. To compare the options, you may like to read nursery or childminder?
Take your child's age and temperament into account
The needs of a six-month-old baby and those of a four-year-old are very different. In infancy, a calm, predictable home environment and being held are what matter most; grandma is quite likely to be a very good caregiver at this stage. But once the child starts walking, climbing and getting into everything, the physical load multiplies. By the preschool years, the child's need for peers, the park and a playgroup grows; grandma's home on its own may struggle to meet this need. Temperament matters too: a very active child who constantly seeks stimulation and a calm child who can play on their own for long periods will have very different days with the same grandmother. Leaving your child with grandma is not a decision made once and for all; it is an arrangement that needs reviewing every year as the child grows.
Make a back-up plan
What will happen when grandma falls ill or has to go to a funeral or a wedding should be clear in advance.
Easing Everyday Handovers
The morning goodbye
When you drop your child off, establish a short, warm and predictable goodbye ritual: a hug, the same sentence ("I'll be back before dinner"), a wave. Lingering for a long time because the child is crying, or slipping out secretly, makes separation harder.
The evening pick-up crisis
Some children do not want to go home in the evening: "I'm staying at grandma's!" This does not mean they are rejecting the parent; at that moment the child is struggling to leave an enjoyable setting. It helps if grandma prepares the transition before pick-up by saying "Mum's coming, let's tidy the toys away", and if the evening ritual at home is something to look forward to.
Your own feelings as a parent
Your child forming a strong bond with grandma does not reduce their bond with you. Children can attach securely to more than one person. Setting aside evenings, weekends and the bedtime routine for time alone with your child keeps the foundation of your relationship strong.
What matters to a child is not so much who looks after them, but that the adults caring for them trust one another and are facing the same direction.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be worth seeking support from a mental health professional who works with children in the following situations:
- If the child shows intense reactions to separation that do not lessen even after weeks
- If, after returning home from a long separation, the child's sleep, eating or behaviour problems have become pronounced
- If the child shows a marked distance or anger towards their parents
- If you notice delays in speech and play development compared with peers
- If the care arrangement leads to ongoing arguments and resentment within the family
- If, as a parent, you feel intense guilt or helplessness
How Is This Process Addressed in Therapy?
Assessment usually begins with a parent interview. How the care arrangement was set up, how long the child stays with whom, how separations are handled and the child's recent behaviour are discussed. Where needed, the process is enriched if the grandmother who provides the care also joins a session, because her observations and the points she struggles with are very valuable.
With young children, a child and play therapy approach may be used. In the playroom, the child works through their feelings by acting out themes of separation and reunion, going back and forth between two homes, or missing someone. Parents receive guidance on transition rituals, special playtime that strengthens the bond, and making sense of the child's reactions.
Working parents' feelings of guilt are also an important part of the work. With a cognitive behavioural approach, thoughts such as "If I were a good mother, I'd look after my child myself" are examined, and parents come to see how these thoughts wear them down and overshadow the time they spend with their child.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will my child become more attached to grandma than to me?
Children can form secure bonds with more than one person. A strong bond with grandma does not weaken the bond with the parent. Spending regular, quality time with the child in the evenings, at weekends and at bedtime keeps the parent–child relationship at the centre.
Is grandma or nursery better?
There is no single right answer; the child's age and temperament, grandma's health and the family's circumstances are what decide it. While one-to-one care can be an advantage in the early years, from around the age of three spending time with peers contributes to social development. Many families combine the two options.
My mother gets very tired looking after the child but doesn't say so. What should I do?
Raise the signs of fatigue directly and without blame, and look for options together to shorten care hours or add support. Grandma getting rest means the child receives more patient and more enjoyable care.
Is it a problem to leave the child with grandma in our hometown for the whole summer?
For a school-age child who knows grandma well, a summer holiday of a few weeks is usually an enjoyable experience. With very young children, however, long separations should be planned more carefully, supported with regular contact and kept short.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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