Is choosing a high school after the LGS causing indecision? The feelings behind it, criteria for comparing schools and steps for deciding together as a family.
The results screen has opened, the score is known and the percentile has been worked out. Now in front of you is a long list of schools, a preference form and a deadline of a few days. On one side of the table there may be a father who wants to put down the "best" school the score allows; on the other, a mother thinking about the school her child's closest friend will attend; and in the middle, a 14-year-old who shrugs and says "You decide." In many families, the period of high school choice indecision after the LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam) is more exhausting than the exam itself. In this article we look at why the indecision is felt so intensely, what feelings lie beneath it, and how to build a decision process in which the young person's voice is heard too.
If High School Choice Indecision Sets In: Why Is It So Common?
Choosing a high school is one of the first big decisions in a young person's life, and it is often made within a short time without enough preparation. Several factors feed the indecision:
- Uncertainty: Every school is a world of its own, but on the preference list it appears only as a name, a minimum score and a percentile. It is hard to choose without knowing about life inside the school, its teachers and the social atmosphere.
- A large number of options: Science high schools, Anatolian high schools, social sciences high schools, vocational and technical Anatolian high schools, imam hatip (religious vocational) high schools, different foreign-language options, schools with and without a preparatory year... As options multiply, deciding gets harder, not easier.
- A decision that seems hard to reverse: The thought "If we choose the wrong school, we'll ruin four years" makes every option look like a big risk.
- More than one decision maker: Mother, father, the young person, and sometimes grandfather, aunt, neighbours and teachers... When each has a different opinion, the indecision multiplies.
- The young person's still-forming identity: A 14-year-old often does not know what they want to be in the future. This is entirely natural, but it creates the feeling that a compass is missing when it comes to deciding.
In short, if high school choice causes indecision, this is not a shortcoming of the family or the young person but a difficulty that comes from the nature of the situation.
The Feelings Behind the Indecision
Indecision often does not stem from a lack of information alone. Beneath it are feelings that, when left unspoken, lock up the decision.
Fear of regret
The question "What if we hadn't chosen that school?" starts spinning in the mind before any choice has even been made. When the fear of regret is intense, a person magnifies the flaws in every option and cannot choose any of them.
The parent's own story
A mother who could not get into the school she wanted in her own day may see that school for her child almost as a kind of compensation. Or a father who spent unhappy high-school years may want to keep his child away from a particular school "so they don't go through the same thing". These feelings are understandable, but when they go unnoticed they can override the young person's needs.
The young person's disappointment
For a young person whose score came in lower than expected, the choice process is at the same time a process of grief. The dream school dropping off the list can make it hard for the young person to take an interest in the other options.
Worry about being separated from friends
Being separated from middle-school friends is a big source of anxiety, especially for socially reserved young people. The sentence "I don't know anyone there" can be more decisive in choosing a school than academic criteria.
What other people will say
The worry "What will we say when relatives ask which school they got into?" influences the decision in many families in Turkey, even if it goes unspoken. The school's name can come before the child's happiness.
Before Looking at the Preference List: Get to Know Your Child
Before examining the list of schools, it is a healthier start to talk about the young person themselves. You can think through the following questions together:
- How do they learn? Do they thrive at an intense pace in a competitive environment, or in a more supportive, calmer setting?
- What are they interested in? Do they enjoy maths and science subjects, languages, social sciences or work that requires practical skills?
- What do they need socially? Do they adapt easily to a new environment, or do they need familiar faces?
- What is their daily routine like? How well can they cope with long school-bus journeys and early starts? Are they ready to board away from home?
- When were they happy? Remembering in which period, which lesson and which setting they felt best during their middle-school years can offer clues.
Having this conversation with the young person gives them a say in their own life. Some young people say "I don't know" at first; in that case, offering options ("Do you find it easier to imagine yourself in a big, crowded school or a small one?") makes it easier for them to answer.
Which Criteria Matter When Comparing Schools?
The minimum score and percentile tell you only one thing about a school: the level of students who are placed there. To understand whether a school suits your young person, you also need to look at other criteria.
Academic pace and the young person's position: A young person placed near the bottom of a very high-scoring school may constantly feel left behind in class. Some young people are motivated to work harder in this situation; for others, self-confidence is shaken. It is important to think about which group your young person belongs to.
Travel: A one-and-a-half-hour school-bus journey every morning directly affects sleep, social life and study time for four years. In big cities this criterion is often underestimated.
Boarding: For young people moving from a district to the provincial centre or to another city, a school with a boarding house brings an emotional adjustment process along with the academic opportunity.
School climate: The school's approach to discipline, teacher-student relationships, how the guidance service works, and its social clubs and sports facilities shape the young person's four years. Attending the school's open days and talking with graduates or current students provides valuable information on this.
Variability of minimum scores: A school's minimum score last year does not mean it will be the same this year. Rather than ordering the preference list solely by previous years' scores, placing schools at different levels that the young person would genuinely want to attend means less disappointment whatever the result. A school written carelessly at the bottom of the list because "it won't come up anyway" can sometimes become the school where the young person spends four years.
Preparatory year and foreign language: For some young people a preparatory year is an opportunity; for others it can look like a road that is one year longer.
Fit with future plans: If the young person's interests are clear, a type of school that matches those interests supports motivation. If their interests are not yet clear, a school that keeps options open may be more suitable.
Step-by-Step Decision Making During High School Choice Indecision
The way to reduce indecision is not so much to gather more information as to organise it. The steps below are a simple method you can apply together as a family.
1. Set the criteria together
On a sheet of paper, write down the criteria the young person and the family consider important: academic level, travel time, social environment, foreign language, school climate and so on. Together, give each criterion an importance score. Including the criteria the young person values makes them feel part of the process too.
2. Narrow down the list
Rather than examining every school the score allows, look in detail at the five or six schools that pass the first round of elimination. Fewer options noticeably lighten the burden of deciding.
3. Rate each school against the criteria
Give each school a score for each criterion and consider them alongside the importance scores. This method is not for making the decision mathematically but for making your thinking visible. If the result surprises you, that is information too: perhaps you have realised that one criterion matters more than you thought.
4. Listen to the young person's inner voice
Whatever the lists say, the young person's face lighting up when they think of a school, or their heart sinking when a school's name comes up, is important data. Let's say the school that stands out on paper is one about which the young person says "I feel like I'd be really unhappy there." Talking about the reason behind that sentence puts the decision on firmer ground.
5. Don't tie the decision to a single moment
Leaving the decision until midnight on the last day increases anxiety and conflict. Holding several short conversations over a few days allows thoughts to mature.
6. Talk openly about disagreement
If the school the young person wants differs from the one the family wants, it is healthier to talk about it openly than to hide it or try quietly to win the young person round. Each side can explain its reasoning; the parent shares their worry ("The journey to this school is very long, and I'm concerned you'll be worn out in winter"), and the young person shares their hopes ("That school has a drama club; I'd feel better there"). Sometimes a third option that both sides can accept emerges from these conversations.
7. Share ownership of the decision
Whatever the final decision, it is important that the young person can say "We made this decision together." When difficulties arise later, this sense of shared ownership makes it possible to look for solutions together rather than for someone to blame. If decision making is generally a marked struggle for you, our article on indecisiveness may also offer guidance.
A good choice is not about writing down the highest-scoring school; it is about searching together for a setting where the young person can learn, feel they belong and be themselves for four years.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In most families the choice period passes with a few weeks of tension and settles on its own. However, getting support from a specialist can be helpful in the following situations:
- The young person has withdrawn for a long time after the results, and their sleep and eating patterns are disrupted
- They are saying things about themselves such as "I'm a failure" or "I can't do anything right"
- The decision process is causing big, recurring rows within the family
- Even after starting at the school where they were placed, the young person cannot settle for a long time and does not want to go to school
- They experience intense anxiety, palpitations, crying spells or freezing when trying to decide
For young people who don't want the school they were placed in and are struggling to get over the disappointment, our article placed in a high school they didn't want may also be supportive. If the young person talks about hopelessness or self-harm, take these words seriously, and in an emergency call 112 (emergency services).
How Is Decision Anxiety Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, indecision over school choice is often addressed not on its own but together with the young person's general level of anxiety, perfectionism and view of themselves. In the adolescent counselling process, the following work may be done:
Understanding the anxiety: The physical and emotional reactions the young person experiences at the moment of deciding are recognised. Catastrophising thoughts such as "If I choose wrong, everything's over" are identified, and more balanced ways of thinking are developed together.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques: The thought patterns of the young person and the family in the decision process are examined. For example, the belief that "There's only one right choice" is reconsidered alongside the idea that there may be several reasonable options.
Work on identity and interests: The young person's strengths, areas of interest and values are discussed. This work lays a foundation not only for this choice but also for later decisions such as choosing a subject stream and a university.
Family sessions: Parents are supported in recognising their own expectations and worries and balancing them with the young person's needs. Being able to ask "What do I want, and what does my child want?" as separate questions makes the decision healthier.
Frequently Asked Questions
My child doesn't want any of the schools. What should we do?
This is often a reflection of disappointment or anxiety. It helps to talk about the young person's feelings first, then to look through the options together in small groups. Even starting with the question "Which ones would you not want?" can narrow the list.
They want to put down the school their best friend will attend. Should we allow it?
The social environment is a genuinely important criterion for a teenager and should not be belittled. However, if it is the only criterion, it may lead you to overlook whether the school suits them in other respects. It is healthier to weigh this criterion as one part of the list alongside the others.
Should we choose the school with the higher score or the one closer to home?
There is no single answer to this question for everyone. The young person's sleep pattern, social needs and academic pace, and the family's daily circumstances, should all be considered together. It is important to take a realistic account of the effect that long journeys will have on the young person's life over four years.
What if we think we've made the wrong choice?
Struggles in the first weeks are often a natural part of adjusting to a new environment and ease over time. The possibilities for changing school depend on regulations and available places; up-to-date information should be obtained from the school administration. What matters is to talk together about where the young person is struggling and, if necessary, to ask for support from the school's guidance service.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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