Does hitting children seem to work? The belief that one slap does no harm, how physical punishment affects a child, and ways to discipline without hitting.
"In our day, our father only had to look at us and we'd sit down. We got the odd slap too, and what happened? We all turned out fine." You have surely heard this at a family dinner table, at a school meeting or on social media. Perhaps you used to think the same way; or, on the contrary, you raised your hand to your child once and have not been at ease since. In Turkey, hitting children was seen for many years as an ordinary part of discipline. Sayings such as "A beating comes from paradise" and "The flesh is yours, the bones are mine" (said by parents handing a child over to a teacher) show how this view has been passed down from generation to generation. In this article we take a close look at the belief that "one slap never hurt anyone", and discuss the effects of physical punishment on children, why parents reach this point, and how discipline without hitting is possible. Our aim is not to blame parents but to guide those looking for a better way.
Where Does the Belief That "One Slap Never Hurt Anyone" Come From?
This belief is largely based on personal experience. An adult who was beaten as a child and today has a job and a family thinks, "I'm perfectly fine." That may be true; but it does not mean the slap was beneficial. Many people become good adults despite difficult circumstances; that does not show the difficult circumstances were necessary.
Besides, the feeling that "nothing happened to me" is not always entirely accurate. Some adults still feel uneasy in front of authority figures, are overly sensitive to criticism, or notice their hand rising involuntarily when they get angry with their own children. These are often not linked to childhood experiences.
Social attitudes are also changing. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, to which Turkey is also a party, requires children to be protected from all forms of physical and mental violence. Many countries have explicitly banned physical punishment not only in schools but also at home. This change is the result of seeing a child not as an adult's "property" but as an individual with rights of their own.
Then there is the observation that hitting children "works". A child who is slapped really does stop in that moment. But the question of what they learn is more important than the question of whether they stop.
Does Hitting Children Actually Work?
In the short term, yes: a child usually stops the behaviour straight away. In the long term, however, the picture is different. Research in child development has pointed to a similar picture for many years: physical punishment does not lastingly improve a child's behaviour; on the contrary, it is associated with aggression, defiance of rules and deterioration in the parent–child relationship.
The reason is simple. A slap does not teach a child what to do instead of the wrong behaviour. The child learns only one thing: "If I do this, I'll get hurt." This learning often leads to the following:
- Instead of stopping the behaviour, the child learns to do it when the parent can't see.
- They start hiding their mistakes and lying.
- When the parent is not around, for example at school or with a childminder, they struggle to follow rules.
Another problem is this: the effect of physical punishment fades over time. As the effect of a slap wears off, a parent feels they have to hit more often or harder. This can turn into a dangerous spiral in which control may be lost.
How Does Hitting Children Affect Them?
Shaken trust
For a child, a parent is the source of both love and protection. The same person hurting them creates a deep contradiction in the child's inner world: "The person who loves me is hurting me." This contradiction can leave a child caught between needing to take refuge in their parent and feeling afraid of them.
Learning violence as a way to solve problems
A child who is hit learns that grown-ups solve problems by using force. This learning can be reflected in how they treat a sibling, school friends and, in later years, their own relationships. A parent who says "Don't hit" hitting their child leaves a confused message in the child's mind.
Shame and worthlessness
A slap given in front of others in particular can leave a deep sense of shame in a child. The child may start to think, "I'm a bad child, I deserved it." Over time this thought can become part of their self-image.
Stress and anxiety
Not knowing when they will be hit keeps a child constantly on alert. This can show up as sleep problems, physical complaints such as stomach aches, and difficulties with attention and learning.
Different marks at different ages
The effects of physical punishment can appear in different ways depending on a child's age. A preschool child often does not understand why they were hit; they remember only the fear and the anger on the parent's face. A school-age child may begin to learn not the rules but ways of not getting caught, so as not to be hit. A slap given to a teenager creates a deep sense of humiliation; the young person either withdraws or may try to hit back physically. Both can lead to a break in the relationship that is hard to repair.
A widening distance in the relationship
Children who experience physical punishment may avoid sharing their feelings with their parents in later years. When they have a problem, rather than asking for help, they try to keep it from coming to light. This distances the parent from the child's life, especially in adolescence.
A slap teaches a child not what they shouldn't do, but to fear the person they love most.
Why Do Parents Hit Their Children?
Very few parents who hit their child do so in cold blood. Usually a slap comes in a moment of helplessness, anger or exhaustion. There may be various factors behind it:
- Loss of control: At the end of a long day, in the middle of a crisis, or when the child repeats the same behaviour for the tenth time, anger gets ahead of thought.
- A model from their own childhood: A parent who grew up with beatings may, under stress, follow the same path without realising.
- Not knowing another way: A parent may know hitting is wrong but not know what to do instead.
- Pressure from those around them: Comments such as "That child needs a good slap" or "You're too soft, that's why they're like this" can push a parent towards a harsh reaction.
- Built-up stress: Financial difficulties, workload, family tension or a parent's own mental health problems lower the anger threshold.
Understanding these factors matters not to excuse hitting but to find a way to change it.
Is Discipline Without Hitting Possible?
Yes. Discipline, at its root, is about "teaching", not punishing. Discipline without hitting does not mean having no limits; clear rules, consistent consequences and a warm relationship are kept up together. We covered the foundations of this approach in detail in our article on positive discipline. Here, let us touch on some concrete methods.
Natural and logical consequences
Consequences connected to the behaviour itself teach a child responsibility. For example, a child who throws a toy cannot play with that toy for the rest of the day, or a child who wants the tablet without having done their homework must finish the homework first. The consequence should be connected to the behaviour, proportionate and known in advance.
A calm-down break
When a child loses control, a short calm-down break can work. This is not exclusion or punishment; it is a pause for the child and the parent to regulate their feelings. For young children, a break taken while staying with the parent is more effective than being left alone.
Restricting privileges
For older children, restricting screen time, an activity or a privilege for a set period can take the place of physical punishment. It is important that the restriction is short and explained in advance.
Prevention
Most discipline happens before a problem arises. Routines, clear expectations, enough sleep and food, and positive time spent together prevent many behaviour problems from arising at all.
Coping with pressure from those around you
When your mother-in-law, a neighbour or a relative says "Give them one slap and they'll straighten out", the comment can get to you, especially on a day when you feel helpless. In moments like these you don't have to defend yourself with long explanations. Saying "We're trying a different way" is enough. When you choose to set limits instead of hitting children, the results may not show straight away, because teaching takes longer than frightening. But a few months later, on the day your child comes to tell you about a mistake they made, you will begin to see the reward of this choice.
The moment you notice your hand rising
When you feel anger rising in your body and your hand getting ready to lift, consciously direct your hands to something else: fold your arms, put your hands in your pockets or hold the edge of a table. Then take a few steps back. This small physical movement buys you the few seconds you need to think. If you notice your voice also rising in moments of anger, our article on the harm of shouting at children may also help.
If You Have Hit Your Child: What Now?
If you have hit your child in the past, or raised your hand today, it does not make you a bad parent. But it can be a starting point for changing things.
- Talk to your child once you have calmed down. Tell them that hitting was wrong, that it was not their fault, and that you will make an effort so it doesn't happen again. This shows your child that the relationship can be repaired.
- Don't bury yourself in guilt. Guilt can be a signal for change; but constantly judging yourself increases exhaustion and anger.
- Identify your triggers. Note the situations and times in which you lose control.
- Prepare a "what I'll do instead" list. Write down three typical situations in which you lose control and, next to each one, add a concrete alternative you can do at that moment. For example: "When he hits his brother: I'll step between them and separate them, take the older one beside me and wait for him to calm down." A plan thought out in advance makes it harder for the brain to slide onto the most familiar path in a moment of anger.
- Ask for support. Talk to your partner, someone close you trust, or a specialist. You don't have to carry this alone.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is important to get support from a specialist in the following situations:
- If hitting your child has stopped being an occasional incident and has become a recurring reaction
- If the hitting is getting harder or leaving marks on your child
- If you feel you completely lose control in moments of anger
- If you notice changes in your child such as fear, withdrawal, sleep problems, avoiding you, or aggression towards others
- If there is also physical violence between partners at home, or if you experienced severe violence in your own childhood
If you have serious concerns about a child's safety, whether in your own home or elsewhere, you can get support from ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline, run by the Ministry of Family and Social Services). If there is immediate danger, call 112 (emergency services).
How Are Physical Punishment and Parental Anger Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, the priorities are the child's safety and repairing the parent–child relationship. In work with the parent, the situations in which hitting occurs, the thoughts going through the mind at that moment and physical reactions are examined. Thoughts such as "This child won't understand any other way" or "They're ignoring me" are noticed and reconsidered using a cognitive behavioural approach. The parent is taught step by step the calming skills they can use in a moment of anger and the discipline methods that can replace hitting.
The parent's own childhood experiences of physical punishment can also be an important part of this process. Understanding what they went through and making peace with it makes it easier for a parent to break the cycle.
In work with children who have experienced physical punishment, play is an important tool. In child-centred play therapy, a child can express the fear, anger or shame they have felt through play in a safe environment. The therapist's non-judgemental and consistent attitude helps the child trust adults again. You can find details of this approach on our child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is a light smack on the bottom harmful too?
Whatever the force of the hit, the message it gives a child is similar: problems are solved with physical force. Even a light smack loses its effect over time and can open the door to harsher reactions. Methods that teach a child what to do are far more effective in the long run.
My child hits me. Should I hit back?
Hitting back teaches a child that hitting is acceptable. Instead, hold your child's hand calmly but firmly and say "I won't let you hit." Once they have calmed down, you can talk together about other ways of expressing their anger.
A grandparent hits my child. What can I do?
This needs to be talked about openly and firmly. Acknowledge that the grandparent's intentions may be good, but make it clear that you will not allow your child to be hit. If it continues, you may need to rearrange the times your child spends alone with them.
What should I do if a teacher at school uses physical punishment on my child?
Physical punishment in schools is unacceptable. First listen to your child and find out in detail what happened. Then meet with the school management; if the problem is not resolved, you can apply to the provincial or district directorate of national education.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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