Is your child hitting? The reasons behind a child who hits their mum, sibling or friends, what to do in the moment and how to teach other ways to express anger.
You are at the supermarket checkout. Your three-year-old wants the chocolate on the shelf, you say "we're not buying any today", and a second later a small hand lands on your face. The cashier turns her head, the woman behind you purses her lips, and you, torn between embarrassment and anger, don't know what to do. Perhaps this scene plays out at home over a sibling's toy, or at the park while waiting for a turn on the swings. When a child is hitting, the first question that comes to parents' minds is, "Where did I go wrong?" Yet hitting is common in the preschool years and is most often the spilling over into the body of strong feelings the child cannot yet put into words. In this article we look at the reasons for hitting, how you can respond in the moment and how you can teach your child to show their anger in other ways.
Child Hitting: Why Does This Behaviour Appear?
Between the ages of two and five, emotions grow quickly but the brain areas that will regulate them are still developing. When a child experiences intense frustration, their hand acts faster than they can say "I'm really angry." As language skills develop and emotional regulation matures, hitting decreases noticeably in most children.
Common reasons behind hitting are:
Words falling short: A child who cannot explain what they want or why they are angry expresses their trouble through their body. In children whose speech is behind that of their peers, hitting may be seen more often for a while longer.
Frustration and being thwarted: Moments such as a request being refused, a game ending or a tower being knocked down push the limits of the child's tolerance.
Tiredness, hunger and overstimulation: The anger threshold of a child who has skipped their nap, is hungry or has been taken around for hours on a crowded holiday visit to relatives is lower.
Imitation: Children do what they see. If there is physical punishment at home, if older cousins hit each other in play or if fighting is shown as fun in the cartoons they watch, a child can learn hitting as a way of solving problems.
Getting a reaction: Hitting is one of the behaviours adults react to instantly and intensely. A child who needs attention may notice that this behaviour draws everyone's full attention every time.
Testing limits: The child looks for the answer to the question "Will they really stop me?" through behaviour. Inconsistent responses prolong this testing.
Jealousy and change: During periods such as the arrival of a new sibling, a parent going back to work or moving house, the child's insecurity can come out as hitting.
Mum, a Sibling, a Friend: What Does the Target Tell Us?
Hitting mum: Many parents are hurt that the child hits them the most: "He doesn't do it to his dad, but he does it to me." One reason for this is that a child expresses their feelings more freely next to the person with whom they feel safest. When the mother finds it hard to set limits, the behaviour can become even more established. This is not a sign of a lack of love, but a sign that the limit needs to become clearer.
Hitting a sibling: Jealousy, sharing space and fights over toys make hitting a common problem between siblings. Hitting a baby in particular is one of the situations families fear most, and it requires close supervision.
Hitting a friend: Hitting seen at the park, at nursery or while visiting others is usually related to sharing, waiting for a turn and disagreements over the rules of a game. While social skills are still developing, these conflicts are to be expected. When such a moment happens at the park, giving the other child's parent a short, calm explanation, for example "I'm sorry, we're learning not to hit, I'll talk to him", both reduces the tension and shows your child what taking responsibility looks like. Scolding the child in front of everyone, on the other hand, increases shame and makes learning harder.
If Your Child Is Hitting: What to Do in the Moment
How you respond at the moment of hitting has a decisive effect on how the behaviour develops. The aim is not to punish the child but to ensure safety and lay the groundwork for learning.
1. Stop the hand and stay calm
Hold the child's hand gently but firmly. Use a short, clear sentence: "I won't let you hit." Raising your voice adds your emotion to the child's already overflowing feeling.
2. Protect the one who got hurt first
If they hit a sibling or a friend, give your first attention to the child who got hurt: "Did that hurt? Come here, let's see." This shows the child who hit that their behaviour doesn't bring attention and that the person who was hit matters.
3. Move them away from the situation
If necessary, take the child from where the conflict is happening to a quiet corner. Present this not as a place of punishment but as a calming break. Young children need an adult with them in order to calm down.
4. Don't lecture
A child at the peak of anger cannot listen to explanations. One or two sentences such as "Hitting hurts, no hitting" are enough. Leave the real conversation until after they have calmed down.
5. Don't hit back
Hitting the child with the thought "Let's see how you like it if I hit you" teaches them exactly what you don't want to teach: whoever is bigger can hit when angry. Many studies on the effects of physical punishment indicate that it can increase aggressive behaviour rather than reduce it.
After They Calm Down: What Can They Do Instead of Hitting?
Learning happens in calm moments. Once the child has calmed down, you can have a short conversation:
- Name the feeling: "You got really angry when we didn't buy the chocolate. It's normal to be angry."
- Repeat the limit: "But no hitting when you're angry. Hitting hurts me."
- Teach an alternative: "When you're angry, you can stamp your foot, you can shout 'I'm really angry!', you can squeeze a cushion or you can come to me for a cuddle."
- Support repair: "Your sibling got hurt. What can we do to help them feel better?" Giving a toy, fetching a wet wipe or a hug is more meaningful than a forced "sorry".
For preschool children, describing alternative behaviours in words is not enough; they need to be rehearsed. Acting out an angry character with puppets or toy animals, and working out together what it does instead of hitting, makes it easier for the child to reach for these behaviours in the real moment. For broader suggestions on angry outbursts, take a look at our article on temper tantrums in children.
What Can Change in Everyday Life to Prevent Hitting?
Observe the triggers. Note down the moments of hitting for a week: at what times, with whom, after what? Most families notice that the behaviour clusters in the tired late-afternoon hours or during a particular game with a sibling. This information helps prevent the crisis in advance.
Secure basic needs. Snacks, regular sleep and rest time after very crowded settings raise the child's anger threshold.
Teach feeling words. While reading books or watching cartoons, talk about the characters' feelings: "Why do you think the little bear is angry?" A child who can name their feelings puts less of them into their body.
Make one-to-one time. A short, phone-free playtime each day that belongs only to that child meets the need for attention in a positive way, especially for children with a newborn sibling.
Set rules for rough-and-tumble play. Wrestling with dad or having a pillow fight are valuable games for children. However, rules such as "If someone says stop, we stop" and "No hitting in the face" prevent play from turning into aggression.
Review screen content. Content in which fighting is shown as fun and without consequences can increase imitation in young children.
Let the adults speak the same language. In Turkey, many children grow up closely involved with grandparents, aunts and uncles. When the child hits their mother, a grandfather laughing and saying, "My little lion, what a strong hit!" or a relative commenting, "A real boy hits back" undermines the limit the parent has set. Similarly, telling the child "if someone hits you, hit them back" at school also gives confusing messages. Our article on telling a child to hit back may be helpful on this topic.
What helps a child who hits most is a calm adult who is not afraid of their anger, but is not overwhelmed by it either.
Imagine a four-year-old girl who starts hitting her mother frequently after her sibling is born, especially while her mother is breastfeeding the baby. The mother prepares a special "big sister basket" for her daughter for feeding times: inside are crayons and stickers that are opened only at those times. In addition, every evening after the baby has gone to sleep, she plays with her daughter alone for fifteen minutes. In moments of hitting, she holds her hand and says in a calm voice, "I won't let you hit, but if you're angry you can tell me." Within a few weeks the hitting decreases, and one day the child says, "Mum, I'm really angry with the baby," expressing her feeling in words for the first time.
My Child Is Hitting and I Get Angry Too: The Parent's Own Feelings
A child hitting you in the face can make even the calmest parent angry in an instant. This reaction is entirely human; it hurts, pride is wounded and the looks of those around you feel heavy. Many parents hear a voice from their own childhood in that moment: "A good hiding never hurt anyone", "You never raise a hand to your parents." For someone who experienced physical punishment in the home they grew up in, staying calm takes twice the effort.
Regulating your own anger is one of the most powerful lessons you can give your child. Some small steps can help with this:
- Give yourself a second first. Taking a deep breath after holding the child's hand stops you acting on your first impulse.
- Pay attention to your body. A clenched jaw, a hot face and a racing heart signal that anger is rising. Noticing these signs makes it easier to stay in control.
- Hand over responsibility if needed. If your partner or another adult is at home, saying "I'm really angry right now, could you deal with this?" is not a weakness but a responsible choice.
- Repair the moments you miss. If you shouted or were harsh, saying to your child afterwards, "I shouted at you, and that wasn't right. Sometimes I struggle when I'm angry too," teaches them that mistakes can be repaired.
Parental burnout, lack of sleep or other tensions in the home quickly wear down patience. Looking after your own needs also increases your strength to cope with your child's behaviour.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Occasional hitting in the preschool years can be part of development. However, in the following situations it is helpful to talk to a specialist:
- If hitting is very frequent and intense and does not decrease despite a consistent approach
- If the child seriously injures others or harms themselves
- If hitting continues as a main way of reacting after the age of six
- If behaviours such as harming animals or deliberately breaking things are also present
- If the nursery or school constantly complains about the child's behaviour, and the child is excluded by their peers
- If the child is also experiencing other difficulties, such as excessive activity, attention problems, delayed speech or intense anxiety
- If they have witnessed violence at home or are themselves subjected to physical punishment
- If you, as a parent, feel helpless, exhausted or caught up in an anger towards your child that you cannot control
These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; however, a detailed assessment helps to understand the need behind the behaviour.
How Is Hitting Addressed in Therapy?
When working with hitting in preschool children, the parent is often the most important partner in the process. In the first sessions, the frequency of the behaviour, its triggers, the family's responses so far and the child's general development are assessed.
In parent guidance based on behavioural principles, work is done on noticing and strengthening positive behaviour, giving clear and short instructions, setting consistent consequences and the parent's skills in regulating their own anger. A cognitive behavioural approach supports children approaching school age in noticing the signs of anger in the body and learning strategies to use in moments of anger.
Play therapy, meanwhile, allows the child to express their anger, jealousy or insecurity through play in a safe setting. This experience in the playroom, where they are accepted but there are also limits, develops the child's skills in coping with their feelings. To learn more about this approach, you can visit our child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I make my child say sorry?
A forced apology often gives the child the message "if I say the right word, I'll get off." Instead, once the child has calmed down, help them notice how the other person feels and work out together what they can do to make amends. Over time, sincere apologies also emerge.
How can rough-and-tumble play be told apart from aggression?
In rough-and-tumble play, both sides laugh, take turns being on top and can stop the game when they want to. In aggression, one side is scared, cries or tries to get away. When play approaches this line, it is necessary to stop and remind them of the rules.
Will a child who hits grow up to be an aggressive adult?
Hitting is very common in the preschool years and, in most children, decreases as language and emotional regulation skills develop. What is decisive is whether the child learns other ways of coping with anger during this period, and how the adults around them model this.
Could hitting be a sign of attention deficit or another problem?
Hitting on its own is not a sign of a diagnosis. However, if there are other difficulties such as impulsivity, excessive activity or delayed speech, these can increase hitting. In such a case, a comprehensive assessment allows the child's needs to be seen more clearly.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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