Telling a Child to Hit Back: Is It Right? Teaching Children to Protect Themselves

Does telling a child to hit back protect them, or create new problems? The difference between self-protection and retaliation, and how to teach limits.

At dinner, your daughter, who is in her first year of primary school, tells you while playing with the rice on her plate: at break time a child in the queue pushed her again and threw her lunch bag on the floor. Her father puts down his spoon: "If he pushes you again, push him back! Hit whoever hits you; don't come home crying." Her mother objects at once: "How can you say that? Tell your teacher, sweetheart." The child looks at both of them and falls silent; she does not know which one to do. This argument plays out in many homes. Telling a child to hit back, captured in the Turkish saying "vurana vur" ("hit whoever hits you"), is the quickest answer that comes to mind for a parent who wants to protect their child in a moment of helplessness. But does this answer really keep the child safe? In this article we look at why this advice is so common, what it can teach a child without anyone realising, and how you can teach your child to protect themselves without resorting to violence.

Why Is Telling a Child to Hit Back So Common?

There is no bad intention behind this advice; on the contrary, there is a deep wish to protect. No parent wants their child to be pushed around, constantly knocked about, or to be a child "nobody stands up for".

Behind this sentence there are usually the following feelings:

• Helplessness: The parent is not at school and cannot protect their child at every moment. Saying "Protect yourself" is a way of handing control over to the child.
• Their own childhood experiences: Many adults remember that when they were pushed and shoved as children, nobody stood up for them. They do not want their own child to go through the same thing.
• Distrust of adults: The thought "What's the point of telling the teacher? Nobody does anything" can convince a parent that the child must fend for themselves.
• Cultural messages: Phrases such as "Don't let them be a pushover", "They should know how to defend themselves" or "A boy should be..." make showing strength valuable, especially in boys. In recent years this expectation has frequently been directed at girls as well.

These feelings are real and understandable. But advice being given with good intentions does not mean it will work. What is more, a short but powerful instruction given to a child can stay in their mind as their parent's voice for years. So what that word turns into in the child's eyes matters as much as what we say. A nine-year-old may hear the advice "hit back" as "Dad trusts me", or as "Dad won't help me."

What Does Telling a Child to Hit Back Teach Them?

When we tell a child "hit whoever hits you", we pass on not just a behaviour but a worldview. This advice can have unexpected consequences:

It teaches that violence is a solution. The child learns that in a disagreement the most effective route is physical force. This learning is not limited to the moments when they are defending themselves; it can carry over into ordinary disagreements with their sibling or friends.

It escalates the fight. A push can turn into a hit, and a hit into a fight. A child who hits back often ends up in a bigger conflict with a child stronger than themselves.

It can make the child the one who gets punished. Teachers usually notice not the first move but the moment they see. The child who hits back can look like the one who started the fight, and may be the one who is punished at school. This creates a deep sense of injustice in the child.

It ignores the imbalance of power. For a child left alone against someone bigger or against a crowd, or a child who is calm by nature, the advice "hit back" is not practical. When the child cannot carry out this advice, they feel both victimised and like a failure: "Dad told me to hit him, but I couldn't."

It makes asking an adult for help look like weakness. The message "Don't come home crying" can also teach a child not to tell their family about their problems. This leaves the child alone, especially when bullying becomes serious.

On the other hand, the approach of leaving a child completely defenceless, "Don't do anything, keep quiet, it'll pass", is not healthy either. This also tells the child that their needs and their body do not matter. The aim is to strike a balance between the two extremes.

The Difference Between Protecting Yourself and Retaliating

An important distinction needs to be made here: protecting yourself and retaliating are not the same thing.

Protecting yourself: This is aimed at stopping the attack and reaching safety. Raising an arm to block a blow, pushing the other person away to get distance, saying "Stop!" loudly, leaving and reaching an adult are examples of protecting yourself. In a moment of physical danger, pushing the other person away from you is legitimate, and the child should be told that they have this right.

Retaliating: This is answering an attack with the same or a bigger attack. The aim is not to reach safety but to "make the other person pay". This usually prolongs the cycle.

The message to give the child can be summed up like this: "Nobody has the right to hit you. If someone hits you, you can protect yourself; you can stop them and get away from there. But hitting them to hurt them doesn't solve the problem. Tell a grown-up straight away; and I'll support you too."

How Can You Teach a Child to Protect Themselves?

Listen first, advise later

When a child tells you about being pushed or hit at school, your first reaction shapes the rest of the conversation. Immediately saying "Hit him back!" or "Why didn't you tell the teacher?" can leave the child feeling judged. First, listen with curiosity to what happened, how they felt and what they did at that moment: "What happened when he pushed you? Were you very scared?" Seeing their feeling first, rather than telling a child to hit back, teaches them that they can come to you next time too; this trust is more protective than any piece of advice.

Give them a strong voice and body language

Children who bully often target children they think will not react. Standing tall, making eye contact and saying "Stop! I don't want this!" in a clear, loud voice can, in many situations, make the aggressor back down. Rehearse this sentence at home many times, in front of a mirror and within play. Adjust the volume together: not a whisper, not a shout, but a firm voice.

Explain that asking for help is strength

Explain to the child that telling an adult is not "telling tales" but protecting themselves and others. A simple distinction works: "Telling on someone to get them into trouble is telling tales. Telling to protect someone or yourself is asking for help." Decide together which adults they can go to at school (the class teacher, the teacher on duty, the school counsellor).

Rehearse through role play

With toy figures, or by taking on the role of "the child who pushes" yourself, practise different scenarios: what will they do if pushed in the queue? What will they say if their things are taken? How will they respond if called names? In each scenario, find together short sentences the child can say and actions they can take. Rehearsed behaviours come out far more easily in the real moment.

Prepare short replies to verbal attacks

With verbal attacks such as name-calling and mockery, short, calm replies are more effective than long arguments: "I don't like that", "If you say so", or walking away without reacting at all. When the aggressive child does not get the reaction they expected, they often lose interest.

Build a safe network of friends

Children who are on their own become targets more easily. One or two close friends provide both a protective shield and emotional support. Supporting your child's friendships is an indirect but powerful way of protecting themselves.

Open up areas that nourish self-confidence

Areas where the child feels competent, such as sport, music, art or scouting, give them a more self-assured bearing in general. Martial arts can be one of these areas; however, it should be made clear to the child that the aim is not "learning to fight" but gaining self-discipline, body awareness and self-confidence.

Offer a non-violent model at home

Children learn by watching how disagreements are resolved at home. Parents not shouting when they argue, and physical punishment not being used in fights between siblings, show the child that "being strong" is about determination, not violence. Our article on the child who hits also explains how to approach hitting behaviour at home.

Set age-appropriate expectations

Self-protection skills vary with age. In the pre-school years, what is expected of the child is to be able to say "Stop!" when a friend pushes them and to run straight to a teacher; at this age it is not realistic to expect the child to solve the problem on their own. In primary school, the child can learn to set a limit in a clear voice, to move away from the situation and to tell an adult what happened. In middle school, problems are often played out through group dynamics and messaging apps; here new skills come into play too, such as taking screenshots, muting the group and, when necessary, showing a parent. The message common to every age, however, is the same: the child does not have to cope with this situation alone.

A strong child is not the one who hits hardest; it is the one who can say "Stop", walk away when necessary and is not afraid to ask for help.

How Can You Work Together With the School and the Teacher?

If your child is constantly being pushed, hit or mocked at school, this problem must not be left on your child's shoulders alone. The school has a responsibility to ensure pupils' safety.

• When meeting the teacher, share specific incidents, dates and what your child has told you.
• Use language that is open to cooperation rather than accusing: "What can we do together?"
• Ask for measures for times when supervision is reduced, such as break time and the school bus.
• If the situation does not improve, do not hesitate to talk to the guidance service and the school management.

The school bus is also an area that needs attention: the driver and the bus attendant should be informed about any scuffles on the bus, and, if possible, the child should sit at the front or next to a friend they trust.

Repeated pushing, hitting or exclusion may point to bullying. You can find the signs and the steps parents can take in detail in our article on peer bullying.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

In the following situations it may be helpful to talk to a child mental health specialist:

• If your child is constantly being targeted at school and this has been going on for months
• If they do not want to go to school, and have tummy aches, sleep problems or nightmares in the mornings
• If they cannot defend themselves at all and freeze at even the slightest push
• If, on the contrary, they respond with intense anger to even the slightest contact and are frequently involved in fights
• If they say things like "I always get picked on anyway" or "Nobody likes me"
• If you notice your child withdrawing and moving away from activities they love

These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they are an opportunity to support both the child's self-protection skills and their emotional state.

How Are Self-Protection Skills Addressed in Therapy?

The therapy process begins with a meeting with the parents. What the child is going through at school, the family's attitude on this issue and any differences of opinion between the parents are discussed. The mother and father being able to give the child a consistent message is an important part of the process.

Assertiveness work: Within the cognitive behavioural approach, the difference between "passive", "aggressive" and "assertive" behaviour is worked through with the child using concrete examples. Through role play, the child experiences how they can be clear when standing up for their rights without trampling on someone else's.

Play therapy: Young children express themes such as power, fear and anger in a safe setting with puppets and figures. Trying out being "strong" within play can give them a self-confidence that can be carried over into real life.

Emotion regulation: For children who freeze with fear as well as those who overreact with anger, work is done on recognising the body's signals and on calming skills.

For more information on this process, you can look at the child and play therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child never hits back; will they become a pushover?

Not hitting back does not mean weakness. Many children are calm by temperament and avoid physical conflict; this can even be a virtue. What matters is that the child has verbal and behavioural tools to protect themselves and is not afraid to ask for help.

Should I send my child to martial arts classes?

Martial arts can be beneficial for self-discipline, body awareness and self-confidence. However, it is important that the child knows they are doing this sport not to fight but to get to know themselves and feel strong. A good coach will also support this message.

My partner and I disagree about this; what should we do?

This is very common. Rather than arguing in front of the child, it is important to talk one to one and agree on a shared message. Very often the common ground between the two views is this: the child should be able to protect themselves and should not be left alone. Starting from this common ground, you can create a single language.

My child is afraid of being labelled a snitch; what should I say?

This fear is real and understandable. Explain to your child that they can reach an adult quietly, at a moment when others are not watching. You can also ask the teacher not to raise the matter in front of the class and to take measures without revealing where the information came from.

• #telling a child to hit back
• #self-protection
• #teaching children boundaries
• #child pushed at school

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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