Homesickness and Longing for the Homeland: Living with Yearning Abroad

What is sıla özlemi, the Turkish longing for home, and why does it weigh so heavily? Signs of homesickness abroad and healthy ways to live with it.

One evening, while brewing tea in the kitchen, the smell of your mother's house suddenly reaches you. Or you are walking down the street when a folk song plays on your phone and your eyes fill with tears. Sometimes, for no reason at all, you feel an ache inside: the streets of your hometown, bayram mornings (the mornings of Turkey's religious holidays), the bread from the neighbourhood bakery, your grandmother's voice... Sıla özlemi, the longing for one's homeland, is a feeling known to many people living abroad, and one that generation after generation has put into folk songs, poems and letters. In this article we look at what this longing is, the signs through which it shows itself, why it can be felt so intensely, how it affects family relationships and ways of living with it in a healthy way.

What Is Sıla Özlemi?

"Sıla" means the place where a person was born and raised, the homeland where their family and loved ones are. Expressions such as "going to sıla" or "sıla-i rahim" (maintaining ties with kin) reflect the importance Turkish culture gives to family bonds and roots. Sıla özlemi is the deep yearning felt for this place, these people and the life there.

In psychology, concepts close to this feeling are discussed as "homesickness" and "nostalgia". Homesickness describes the emotional and physical reactions a person has on leaving a familiar environment. Nostalgia is a longing for the past that is both sweet and painful. Sıla özlemi includes both, but the meaning it carries in Turkish is broader than either concept. In Turkish culture, gurbet (life away from home) and sıla (home) have been described for centuries as opposites: gurbet stands for distance, strangeness and trial; sıla for closeness, belonging and peace.

Homesickness is not in itself a problem or an illness. It is a natural, human feeling that shows you are attached to places and people you love. However, when it is very intense and long-lasting, it can make daily life difficult and become entangled with low mood, anxiety or loneliness.

What Are the Signs of Homesickness?

Longing for the homeland is not experienced the same way by everyone. In some people it comes and goes in waves, while in others it is like a constant background feeling. Common signs include:

Emotional signs

• Sudden waves of sadness, an urge to cry
• Strong emotion at a song, smell or image related to home
• Feeling "half" or "temporary" where you are
• Guilt: "I left my family", "I'm not by their side as they grow old"

Mental signs

• Idealising the past and the homeland, remembering only the good sides
• Constantly thinking "If only I were there..."
• Constantly comparing present life with home
• Thinking at length about plans to return but being unable to decide

Behavioural signs

• Constantly following the news in Turkey, and family and friends
• Reluctance to build new connections where you live
• Focusing only on the holiday in Turkey and living the time in between as "waiting"
• Often taking refuge in things, food and photographs from home

Physical signs

• Sleep problems, especially after special days
• Changes in appetite
• Weakness, low energy
• A feeling of tightness in the chest or a lump in the throat

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis. But if they continue for a long time and limit your life, they are worth paying attention to.

Longing is love at a distance. Instead of suppressing it, it is possible to learn to carry it.

Why Does Homesickness Weigh So Heavily? The Cultural Context

Many factors determine the intensity of longing for the homeland.

The strength of family ties. In Turkish culture, family is not limited to the nuclear family. Aunts, uncles, cousins and neighbours are part of daily life. Being far from this wide network can create a deep sense of loss.

Special days and rituals. Bayrams, weddings, engagements, circumcision ceremonies, funerals and births are experienced collectively in Turkish culture. Not being there at these moments brings homesickness to its most intense. Watching, on a screen on a bayram morning, your family kissing the hands of their elders but not being in the same room can leave a deep emptiness inside.

The memory of the senses. Smell, taste and sound are the senses that bring memories back most powerfully. The taste of a dish, the sound of the call to prayer, the smell of the sea or the noise of a market can take a person straight back to childhood.

Ease of language and expression. Being far from places where you can speak in your own language, with your own idioms and jokes, also increases longing. Some people in fact long not for a particular place but for the self they could be in that place.

Whose decision it was. The longing of someone who chose to emigrate may be experienced differently from that of someone who followed a spouse, or who moved out of economic necessity or other obligation. In people who feel they had no part in the decision, longing can come with anger and resentment.

Ageing parents. As time goes by, parents in Turkey growing old, falling ill or being left on their own can combine longing with guilt and anxiety.

Generational differences. For the first generation, sıla is the village, town or city where they were born and raised. For the second and third generations, sıla is sometimes a place they have never lived in, only seen on summer holidays or known from what the family tells them. In these people the longing can take a more uncertain, more complicated form: a yearning for a place where they want to belong but cannot fully belong.

Take a young person in their twenties, born and raised in Belgium, who misses the village on the Black Sea where they go with their family every summer. The days spent there with cousins, their grandfather's garden and the evening meals are what "home" feels like to them. But when they are called "Almancı" (a label for emigrants and their children, who are seen as "foreign" back home) in the village they feel hurt, and in Belgium they feel they are still seen as a "foreigner". This young person's longing is not for a place but for a belonging in which they are fully accepted.

The Effect of Homesickness on Family and Relationships

Longing for the homeland affects not only a person's inner world but also their family and relationships.

Between partners. One partner's longing may be more intense. If one adapts to the new country more easily while the other is constantly thinking about returning, tension can arise between them. Sentences such as "You've got used to it here, you don't understand me" or "You're always living in the past" can lead to distance in the relationship.

Relationship with children. A parent being in constant longing can make it harder for children to connect with the country they live in, or can create guilt in them. For example, words like "Everything here is bad, our homeland was different" can make a child feel their own life is worthless. On the other hand, sharing good memories, food, songs and stories from home with children helps them connect with their roots. What matters is balance.

Relationship with family in Turkey. Family relationships maintained from a distance sometimes become difficult because of expectations. Questions such as "When will you come?" and "Aren't you coming this summer either?" are expressions of love and longing, but for the person abroad they can also be a source of pressure and guilt.

The burden of visits. Summer visits to Turkey are often awaited as a way to ease longing, but they can sometimes turn into tiring and disappointing experiences. The rush to see everyone in a short time, relatives' expectations and noticing that home has changed can take a person by surprise.

Coping with Homesickness: What You Can Do on Your Own

You don't need to get rid of homesickness completely; often the aim is to be able to carry on with your life while experiencing the longing. The steps below can help you strike this balance.

1. Don't suppress the longing, make room for it. Instead of saying "I shouldn't miss it, I live here now", try saying "I miss it because I love those places and the people there." Accepting the feeling can reduce its intensity.
2. Notice moments of longing. At what times, on what days and with what triggers does the longing intensify? Take notes for a week. You may notice patterns such as before bayram, on Sunday evenings or after a phone call with your family.
3. Create a "ritual" for longing. Set aside one evening a week for cooking dishes from home, listening to Turkish music or looking at old photographs. Placing longing in a specific time and space can reduce how much it bothers you through the day.
4. Bring home here. Create small corners in your home that remind you of home: a kilim (woven rug), a photograph, a tea set. This is a tangible way of connecting with your roots.
5. Put down roots here too. Gather places, people and habits where you live that do you good: a park, a café, a walking route, a neighbour. The feeling that "this too is part of my life" can balance the longing.
6. Organise family calls. Taking the time difference into account, set regular weekly video call times. In calls, try not just "How are you?" but shared activities such as cooking together, playing with the children or talking about a film.
7. Notice idealisation. When thinking of home, try to remember not only the good memories but also the difficulties. This does not reduce the value of that place, but it helps you judge your present life more fairly.
8. Plan ahead for special days. As bayrams and important family days approach, plan in advance how you will spend the day. Celebrating with other Turkish families abroad, laying a bayram table or arranging a video bayram greeting with family in Turkey can ease the feeling of emptiness.
9. Tell your story. Tell your children, your friends or a journal your memories of home. Telling makes the longing shareable and meaningful.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Homesickness is a natural feeling, but it may be useful to talk to a specialist in the following situations:

• If the longing has clearly affected your daily life for several months
• If you experience intense sadness, hopelessness or inability to enjoy things almost every day
• If you cannot enjoy anything where you live and are constantly living in a state of "waiting"
• If there are marked disruptions in your sleep and appetite
• If you are in constant conflict with your partner or family over this issue
• If you have been in intense indecision and anxiety about the decision to return for a long time
• If the longing has combined with the loss of a loved one and you feel you cannot grieve; our article on the grieving process may also be a guide on this

Emergencies: If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.

How Is Homesickness Addressed in Mother-Tongue Online Therapy?

The words we use to talk about longing for the homeland are often Turkish: gurbet, sıla, hasret, özlem, hüzün. For some people, it can feel easier to talk about the meaning these words carry with someone who shares the same language and culture. Online therapy offers this possibility from the country where you live. For details, you can look at the page on Turkish-language therapy for Turks abroad.

In therapy, homesickness is generally addressed in the following ways:

Exploring the meaning of the longing. What are you missing? A place, particular people, a way of life, or the self you were in that place? The answer to this question also determines how to cope with the longing.

Recognising losses. Migration brings losses as well as gains. Grieving these losses helps you make peace with them.

Examining thought patterns. In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "I can never be happy here" or "I made a mistake by leaving" are examined together with the evidence for them. The aim is not to get rid of the longing but to make more balanced the thoughts that feed it and narrow life.

Values and meaning work. The values behind your decision to emigrate are recalled: the children's future, professional development, security or other reasons. These values can make living with the longing meaningful.

Practical steps. Concrete steps such as building connections where you live, planning special days and arranging communication with family are planned together.

Session times are arranged according to the time difference. Payments can be made online; pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible. For matters such as insurance reimbursement, it is recommended that you check the insurance terms in the country where you live.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does homesickness pass with time?

In most people the intensity of longing decreases over time, but it does not disappear entirely. It can come back to life especially at times such as bayrams and important family events. What matters is that the longing turns into a feeling you can carry with you without it narrowing your life.

Can longing for the homeland turn into depression?

Intense and long-lasting longing, combined with loneliness and a sense of loss, can lay the ground for low mood. If it is accompanied by symptoms such as inability to enjoy things, hopelessness and changes in sleep and appetite, it is helpful to get an assessment from a specialist.

Every time I visit Turkey I feel worse when I come back. Is that normal?

Yes, this is a common experience. Visits ease the longing for a while, but on returning the separation is felt again. Keeping the first days after your return light, giving yourself space and gradually returning to your daily routine can make this transition easier.

Is it right to show my children my homesickness?

You don't need to hide your feelings from your children completely; sharing the longing in language suited to their age shows them that feelings are natural. But it is important to avoid comparisons that would make children feel the country they live in and their own lives are worthless.

• #homesickness
• #longing for homeland
• #life abroad
• #Turks abroad

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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