Identity Loss After Moving Abroad: Where Did the Old Me Go?

Identity loss after moving abroad is feeling you have lost your old self with your career, language and roles. Learn the causes and how to recover.

In Turkey you were witty, sociable and respected at work. In gatherings of friends you were the first to speak, and in the family you were the person people consulted. After moving abroad, you turned into someone who stays quiet in meetings, weighs up words before forming a sentence, and constantly feels like "the newcomer". When you look in the mirror your face is the same, but the voice inside says "This isn't me." Identity loss is one of the experiences that is common after migration but little talked about. In this article we look at what losing the "old me" after migration is, the signs through which it shows itself, its causes, and the steps you can take to build a new balance of identity.

What Is Identity Loss After Moving Abroad?

Identity is the sum of the answers we give to the question "Who am I?" This answer draws on our profession, our role in the family, the language we speak, our circle of friends, our habits, our values and how others see us. Most of us live our identity without thinking about it, because the environment that holds it up is beside us every day.

When we migrate, a large part of this environment changes at once. The pillars that carry identity are shifted. The person still knows themselves as the same person, but cannot find spaces in daily life in which to express that person. The resulting feeling is often described in sentences like these:

• "I wasn't like this before."
• "I don't recognise myself."
• "No one here knows who I really am."
• "It's as if I've started my life again from zero."

People who experience identity loss often find it hard to explain it to others. Because there is no concrete loss: no one has died, no house has burned down, the job has not ended altogether. Yet something inside has been lost. This ambiguous loss can lead the person not to take their own feeling seriously: "I have no right to complain, after all I wanted this." Yet for a loss to be real it does not have to be visible.

This experience is not the name of a psychological disorder; it is a transition crisis that arises as a natural consequence of migration. However, when it lasts long and is experienced alone, it can deeply affect self-confidence, mood and relationships.

Symptoms and Signs of Identity Loss

Identity loss after migration can look different in different people. Common signs are:

Emotional signs

• Feeling estranged, "in a void"
• Intense longing for the old life, for the old self
• Shame or embarrassment: "If my friends in Turkey could see me like this..."
• Feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy
• Uncertainty and anxiety about the future

Behavioural signs

• Withdrawing and falling silent in social settings
• Avoiding trying new skills
• Describing life differently from how it is when talking to friends in Turkey, or avoiding contact with them
• Constantly looking at old photos and old social media posts
• Putting your own needs completely aside and living only for family or work

Thought patterns

• "I have no value here."
• "The old me is never coming back."
• "Everyone can see how incompetent I am."

Some of these signs are temporary and expected reactions. On their own they do not mean a diagnosis. However, a picture that lasts longer than a few months and gets steadily heavier deserves a closer look.

Causes of Identity Loss After Moving Abroad

Losing the "old me" often comes not from a single cause but from several losses that feed one another.

The shaking of professional identity

Many people who were doctors, teachers, engineers, lawyers or business owners in Turkey may have to work in different jobs for a while abroad because of the recognition of qualifications, language requirements or the job market. The question "What do you do?" can suddenly become a painful one. We discuss the psychological burden of the process of recognition of diplomas abroad in a separate article.

Language and the expression of personality

Personality is expressed to a large extent through language. Humour, irony, tact, persuasiveness, warmth... all of these are reflected in language through fine tuning. When speaking in a second language, many people feel "simpler", "more serious" or "more childlike". This is not inadequacy; it is that the capacity of the language to carry your personality has not yet developed.

The loss of social mirrors

The people who know us constantly reflect back to us who we are. Your old friends know that you are funny, brave or helpful, and treat you accordingly. In the new country these mirrors are absent. In an environment that sees you only as "the newcomer", "the foreigner" or "the one who doesn't know the language", you may begin to see yourself with this label too.

Changes of role

Someone used to being the decision-maker, independent and strong in the family may in the first period abroad become dependent on their spouse, children or acquaintances. Children interpreting for their parents can also shake the parenting role. People who migrated following their spouse may carry the weight of having put their own goals on hold.

Questioning cultural values

Meeting a new culture also makes our own values visible. You may claim some of your values more strongly while beginning to question others. This questioning can be enriching; but it can also create a period of uncertainty full of questions such as "What do I believe in, what do I carry?" This subject is covered in more detail in our article on identity between two cultures.

Differences by generation and type of migration

Identity loss is not experienced in the same way by everyone. For first-generation migrants who went years ago as workers, identity often rests on the homeland, family and hard work; when the work role ends with retirement, the question "What use am I now?" can flare up again. Young professionals who have gone in recent years for a career or education define their identity more through their profession, social circle and lifestyle; so a setback at work or social loneliness can shake them more deeply. Students experience, with migration, a test of independence brought on by being away from their families for the first time.

Whether the migration is voluntary or forced is also decisive. There is a difference between someone who goes of their own accord, having prepared, and someone who has to emigrate because of economic hardship, a family decision or unexpected circumstances. A person who did not make the decision themselves may experience identity loss more as something "taken from them", and feelings of anger and helplessness may be more marked. Thinking about your own experience in this framework can help you understand why you are struggling so much and judge yourself less.

The Effect of Identity Loss on Relationships and Family

A person whose identity has been shaken often carries this into their relationships too. A common picture between spouses is this: while the spouse who initiated the move and quickly started work gains a place in the new country, the other spouse at home, in a language course or looking for work feels increasingly invisible. This difference can show up in the relationship as resentment, anger or guilt. Sentences such as "I'm here because of you" or "If I'd known you'd be this unhappy we wouldn't have come" are in fact the echoes of identity loss within the relationship.

Parenting is affected by this process too. A parent who doubts their own worth may find it hard to set boundaries for their child or, conversely, become overly controlling. Children adopting the new language and culture quickly can create anxiety in the parent: "My child is drifting away from me."

Relationships with family and friends in Turkey change as well. The person may hold back from describing the hard parts of their life, because "living abroad" is seen from outside as a success. This can deepen loneliness and the feeling that "no one understands me".

Suppose a dentist who had her own practice in Turkey has moved to Canada because of her husband's job. While preparing for equivalence exams she works in a part-time job. Her friends in Turkey always say to her "You're so lucky"; she goes to bed each evening with the question "Who have I become?" This gap between the success seen from outside and the loss experienced inside can turn identity loss into an even lonelier experience.

What Can You Do to Rebuild Your Identity?

The way out of identity loss is not to return exactly to the old self, but to build a balance of identity that keeps the essence of the old self while adapting to new conditions. The following steps can serve as a guide in this process:

1. Name the loss. Saying "I have lost my professional identity, my language, my social circle, and I am grieving for it" makes the feeling more manageable. As long as the loss is not recognised, you simply blame yourself with "why am I like this".
2. List the portable parts of your identity. Your values, character traits, skills and interests came with you. Prepare a list such as "I am curious, patient, helpful, a good listener". These do not change country.
3. Keep your old identity alive in small spaces. If you cannot yet practise your profession, joining an association in that field, volunteering, following professional publications or producing content in Turkish can keep your professional identity alive.
4. Create spaces where you can express yourself in Turkish. A Turkish-speaking setting where your jokes are understood and you can talk freely helps you live a part of your personality again.
5. Develop a "second voice" in the new language. The ability to express yourself in the new language grows over time. Think of this voice not as a replacement for your old voice but as one added alongside it.
6. Don't define yourself only by losses. Write down what you have gained with migration too: a new language, adaptability, courage, different perspectives. These are now part of your identity as well.
7. Set short- and medium-term goals. Concrete goals such as "take the language exam within six months" or "join a professional network this year" turn uncertainty into a roadmap.
8. Use compassionate language towards yourself. Saying "I'm in a very hard transition period right now and I'm doing my best" instead of "I'm useless" is a small but effective change.

Identity does not get lost like an object; sometimes it is only looking for a way to express itself in a new language, in a new city.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Although a shaken identity is an expected part of migration, it can be helpful to talk to a mental health professional in the following situations:

• If feelings of worthlessness and estrangement have lasted for months and are not easing
• If you have withdrawn completely from activities you enjoy
• If there are marked changes in your sleep, appetite and energy level
• If you are having ongoing, unresolved conflicts with your spouse or family
• If you are turning more and more to alcohol or other substances as a way of coping
• If hopelessness or thoughts that life is meaningless are becoming pronounced

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, please call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk you need to turn to local emergency services and local psychiatric services. The family doctor and mental health services in the country where you live are valuable options too.

How Is Identity Loss Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Native Language?

It is often more of a relief to talk about a deeply personal subject like identity in the language in which you express yourself best. Therapy in your native language can make it easier for the idioms, memories and cultural references you use in describing the "old me" to be understood without needing explanation. You can find more information on this on our page for Turks living abroad.

In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the following themes may come to the fore:

• Cognitive restructuring: Weighing the evidence for thoughts such as "I have no value here" and developing a more balanced view.
• Values-focused work: Clarifying the values that matter to you and planning small steps in line with them.
• Behavioural activation: Adding back into life activities that give a sense of meaning and mastery.
• Schema awareness: Understanding how early schemas such as "failure", "defectiveness" or "social isolation" are triggered by migration.
• Grief work: Making room to grieve for the roles and way of life that have been lost.

Sessions can be held through online therapy, at a time that suits the time zone of the country you are in.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal not to recognise myself after moving abroad?

Yes, many people experience a similar estrangement after migration. When the environment that supports identity changes, this feeling is an expected reaction. It is possible to build a new balance over time and with the right support.

Will my old self ever come back?

The essence of your old self, that is, your values and character, is with you. But migration changes you; over time most people develop a broader identity in which the old and the new come together.

Is identity loss the same as depression?

No. Identity loss is a transition experience; depression is a mental health problem that needs specialist assessment. However, long-lasting identity loss can lay the ground for depressive symptoms.

How do I preserve my identity if I can't practise my profession?

Professional identity is not carried only by a job title. Professional networks, volunteering, training and work related to your field can help you keep your professional identity alive in this period.

• #migration and identity
• #old self
• #confidence abroad
• #adjustment after migration

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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