Intercultural marriage can bring cultural conflict as well as richness. Learn practical steps for harmony around family, language, values and raising children.
When you met, your differences were attractive: their cooking, your holidays, the words you taught each other, two different worlds coming together. As the years passed, these differences became sometimes a richness and sometimes a source of misunderstanding. Why does your mother call every day, why does your mother-in-law think turning up without warning is rude, in which language will the child be named, whose family will you visit for the holiday? Intercultural marriage, that is, the marriage of two people from different cultural, national, linguistic or faith backgrounds, is a situation increasingly common among Turks living abroad. In this article we look at the adjustment difficulties often seen in intercultural marriage, the cultural dynamics behind the conflicts, relationships with children and the extended family, and practical steps for strengthening the relationship.
What Is Intercultural Marriage and Why Does It Need Special Adjustment?
Intercultural marriage refers to marriages in which the spouses come from different cultural backgrounds. The difference can lie in many dimensions such as country, language, religion, ethnic origin or upbringing. A Turk who was born and raised in Germany and a German partner, an engineer who went from Turkey and a Swedish spouse, or two immigrants from different countries who met in Canada... Each has a different story.
Every marriage is the joining of two separate families, two separate worlds of habit. In an intercultural marriage this difference is more visible and deeper. Spouses meet not only personality differences but also cultural assumptions about the following:
- Closeness to family: How often is the extended family seen, and how much say does the family have in decisions?
- Expression of feelings: Are anger, love and disappointment said openly, or conveyed by implication?
- Hospitality and social life: Is an unannounced visit warmth or disrespect? How long does a guest stay?
- Managing money: Joint account or separate accounts? Is financial support for the family expected?
- Gender roles: How are housework, childcare and career decisions shared?
- Faith and traditions: How are holidays, special days, food rules and rituals lived?
These topics are argued about by couples from the same culture too. In an intercultural marriage, though, one spouse may know nothing of what the other takes as "natural". Because there is no shared "default", everything needs to be talked about.
Common Areas of Conflict in Intercultural Marriage
Not being understood and the fatigue of constant explaining
In intercultural marriages, one spouse often says, "I have to explain why I feel this way every single time." For example, for a Turkish spouse calling their mother every day may be a natural expression of love and responsibility; the partner may see it as excessive dependence. When both sides think they are right, the subject turns into an argument about "who is correct?"
Language and subtle meanings
Couples usually communicate in a shared language, often one that is not the mother tongue of one or both spouses. Even if this is no problem in everyday conversation, subtle meanings can be lost in moments of argument, in conversations that need emotional closeness, or in jokes. It is hard to find exact equivalents for concepts such as "hakkını helal et" (forgive me and release me from any claim), "nazar" (the evil eye) and "ayıp" (shameful or improper).
Relations with the extended family
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, or father-in-law and son-in-law, relationships take on a particular sensitivity in intercultural marriages. Communicating with a mother-in-law who does not speak the language, different expectations of hospitality, and wedding and holiday traditions can be sources of tension. The Turkish spouse is sometimes worn out by being left as an "interpreter" and "mediator" between their family and their partner.
Values and faith
Subjects such as religious practice, alcohol use, food rules, attitudes to relationships outside marriage, or the religious education of children can become more important over time, even if they were discussed only superficially before the marriage. After a child is born in particular, these topics come up again.
Which country to live in
One of the couple is usually "in their own country" and the other is the "foreigner". This can affect the balance of power. The spouse in the foreign position may become dependent on their partner for language, work, social circle and bureaucracy; over time this can create resentment.
The Cultural and Psychological Dynamics Behind the Conflicts
The conflicts in an intercultural marriage often look like small matters on the surface: when to visit whose family, what to cook for dinner, what the child will wear. But underneath there are usually deeper needs.
The need to belong: For a Turkish spouse living abroad, keeping Turkish culture alive at home is a matter of identity and belonging. The holiday table, Turkish songs, Turkish coffee... These are not only habits but a way of connecting with one's roots. When the partner finds them "unnecessary", the person may feel that not just a habit but their identity is being rejected. Say that in a couple living in the Netherlands, the Turkish spouse wants to get up early on the morning of Ramazan Bayramı (Eid al-Fitr), video-call the family, make sweets and offer them to the neighbours. The partner finds it natural to spend the day as an ordinary working day. On the surface the argument is about "Is there any need to make sweets?"; yet what the Turkish spouse really wants to say is "This day matters to me, I want you beside me." Naming the real need often softens the argument quickly.
Individuality and relatedness: Cultures can differ in whether they put the needs of the individual or the needs of the family and community first. This difference can produce a spouse caught between "protect your boundaries" and "don't hurt your family". This has nothing to do with one culture being right and the other wrong; they are simply different priorities.
Attachment and trust: The attachment style a person learned in childhood can be triggered when they meet a partner's different expectations of closeness and distance. For example, a partner saying "I need to be alone for a bit" may be a healthy need for one spouse and seem like a sign of abandonment to the other. If you would like to know more about this, see our article on attachment styles.
Cultural stereotypes: In moments of argument, generalisations such as "You Turks are always like this" or "There's no love in your culture anyway" can appear. Sentences like these can open deep wounds in a relationship because they turn the problem from a personal matter into an attack on identity.
Children and the Extended Family in Intercultural Marriage
Having a child is one of the periods when cultural differences become most visible in an intercultural marriage.
Choosing a name: In which language will the child's name be, will it be easy to pronounce in both cultures, what do the families expect? The name is often the first step in an argument about identity and belonging.
Language: Will the child learn Turkish? Which language will be spoken at home? While the Turkish spouse wants to preserve Turkish, the partner may feel excluded. Our article on bilingual children offers practical suggestions on this.
Values and education: Different expectations may arise over matters such as the approach to discipline, sleep routine, the child's independence, religious education and the celebration of holidays.
Grandparents: The family in Turkey's wish to form a bond with the grandchild, long visits, interference in childcare or the language barrier can give rise to new tensions.
For children, a bicultural family can be a great richness. For that, it is important that the parents do not force the child to choose one culture and that they create a family environment that values both.
Practical Steps for Harmony in Intercultural Marriage
- Draw up a "cultural map". Each of you write down what is "normal" in your own family about family, money, hospitality, feelings, holidays and raising children. Then read the lists together. This makes each other's assumptions visible.
- Use the language of "different" instead of "right and wrong". Sentences like "In our family turning up unannounced means warmth, in yours it's different. Shall we find a common way on this?" instead of "Your family is disrespectful" move the conflict away from an attack on identity.
- Create your own family culture. Alongside traditions taken from both cultures, set up new rituals that belong only to you. For example, a Turkish table at holidays, the partner's tradition at New Year, and a family day of your own.
- Set boundaries with your own family yourself. As a general rule, each spouse having the boundary conversations about their own family themselves prevents the partner from being declared "the bad one".
- Invest in learning each other's language. Your partner learning Turkish makes it easier for them to bond with your family. Likewise your learning your partner's language creates equal ground.
- Avoid generalisations in arguments. When you notice sentences like "You always...", "In your culture...", stop and bring the subject back to concrete behaviour.
- Talk about important matters in calm moments. Discuss things like the holiday plan, the child's language or the length of visits not in a moment of tension but beforehand and in a planned way.
- Watch for the risk of loneliness in both spouses. The spouse living in a foreign country building their own social circle, work and independence protects the balance of power in the relationship.
- Keep curiosity alive. Try to see your partner's culture not as a problem but as a world to be learned. Asking questions is better than assuming.
In an intercultural marriage the aim is not to decide whose culture will win, but to build a home where two cultures can breathe side by side.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Arguments arising from cultural differences happen from time to time in every intercultural marriage. However, couples therapy can be helpful in situations such as these:
- If the same topics keep turning into arguments and cannot be resolved
- If one spouse constantly feels misunderstood or devalued
- If tensions with the extended family have begun to threaten the marriage
- If there is a deep impasse over raising children, language or faith
- If communication has given way to silence, sulking or constant criticism
- If thoughts of separation or divorce have become frequent
If there is physical violence, threats or intense controlling behaviour in the relationship, your safety comes first. In that case you should contact local support services in the country where you live and, if there is immediate danger, call that country's emergency number: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service.
How Is Intercultural Marriage Approached in Native-Language Online Therapy?
In intercultural marriages couples therapy is conducted in a shared language; it is therefore necessary to work in a language in which both spouses can communicate comfortably. If Turkish is not a shared language of communication with your partner, individual therapy in Turkish can also be a valuable option. In individual work the Turkish spouse can address their own feelings, family ties, questions of identity and needs within the marriage in their mother tongue, without having to explain the cultural context at length. This is not a replacement for working with local couples therapists but an option that can be used alongside them when needed.
In a process based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and couples therapy approaches, work can be done in the following areas:
- Noticing the cycle: The couple's repeating cycle of conflict (for example, one moving closer as the other moves away) is identified.
- Making cultural assumptions visible: The expectations and beliefs each spouse brings from their own culture are talked through.
- Communication skills: Work is done on expressing needs without blame, active listening and techniques for calming conflict.
- Shared decisions: A common framework is built on concrete matters such as the children's language, holidays and family visits.
- Individual feelings: The Turkish spouse's feelings of belonging, longing and identity can be addressed separately.
In online sessions it is important to choose a time that suits the time difference, provide a quiet and private setting, use headphones and prefer a secure connection. Payment can be made online; pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible. For work with couples you can look at couples therapy, and for general information for those living abroad, the Turks abroad page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are intercultural marriages harder?
Because of cultural differences, intercultural marriages may require more talking and compromise. But that does not necessarily mean they are harder. Couples who meet differences with curiosity and communicate openly can find great richness in these marriages.
My partner doesn't speak Turkish. Can therapy in Turkish still help me?
Yes, it can help as individual therapy. Thinking about your own feelings, family relationships and needs in the marriage in your mother tongue can help you communicate more clearly with your partner. Couples therapy, on the other hand, should be conducted in a shared language in which both spouses can speak comfortably.
My family doesn't accept my partner. What can I do?
This can be very draining for both you and your partner. Giving your family time, introducing your partner in small, safe settings and expressing your boundaries calmly but clearly can help. In this process it is important to protect your partner from your family's criticism and to keep up open communication with them.
How should we decide which culture our child will grow up with?
It is important to remember that children do not have to choose a single culture. Bringing values, languages and traditions from both cultures into family life can help the child develop a bicultural identity in a healthy way. Talking about this in a calm moment before the child is born reduces conflict.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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