How do labour-intensive dishes like İskilip dolması bring families together? Read about shared meals, belonging, tensions at the table and small rituals.
Some dishes do more than fill us up; they bring together a day, a season, a family. İskilip dolması, known as an essential dish at weddings and religious holidays in the İskilip district of Çorum, is one such dish. A cooking process that lasts for hours, a crowded kitchen, a pot waited on patiently, and finally a long table... In this article we look at this dish not as a recipe but as a family ritual. We will consider what preparing food together and sitting down at the table together can add to family bonds, why the same table can sometimes also become a source of tension, and how we might rebuild these rituals in the middle of a fast-paced life.
İskilip Dolması and the Story of the Table: What Do the Figures Say?
According to information reported by Anadolu Agency in May 2026, the number of geographically indicated products from İskilip has reached 10. This list shows how rich the district's culinary culture is: alongside the dolma, foods such as pickles, strawberries, vinegar salad, Ramadan keşkek, yırtma and baklava appear on the list, together with crafted products such as the tokmaklı ox cart, the water gourd and the tray. Having so many registered products in a single district suggests that food and production sit at the heart of daily life and identity here.
There is a similar picture across the province. According to a Forbes Türkiye report dated May 2026, Çorum has 31 geographically indicated products. Higher numbers are also mentioned in opinion columns, but this is the figure that can be officially verified. According to the same source, in 2026 Çorum began the official application process to become a city of gastronomy in the UNESCO Creative Cities Network.
There are also things the figures do not tell us. A dish being registered does not show how often it is made in homes, which generations know the recipe, or how much families gather around it. A geographical indication records where a product belongs and how it should be made; but what keeps that product alive is the hours spent together in the kitchen.
The fact that the dolma is known as a wedding and holiday dish and requires a long cooking time makes it psychologically interesting. These features take the dish out of the realm of "fast consumption" and turn it into a ritual.
The Sociology of Long Tables: Weddings, Holidays and the Changing Family
Long-cooking dishes that require many hands generally developed as part of extended family structures and community life. It is more accurate to read this relationship through possible factors rather than as definite causation.
The extended family and the division of labour. Preparing a wedding meal is not one person's job. Neighbours, relatives, and women and men of different generations work together. This shared effort serves as a social bond as important as the food itself.
The shift to the nuclear family. Today many families live as nuclear families in apartment flats. Kitchens have become smaller, working hours longer, and the time and space for large-scale preparations has shrunk. Quick and practical meals have become a necessity of daily life.
Migration and the scattered family. Family members who have moved from Çorum to big cities lead lives in which long tables can now only be set during the holidays. As a result, those tables can become more precious, but also more loaded: a whole year's longing and expectation is squeezed into a single day.
Passing knowledge between generations. The recipes for long-cooking dishes are often not written down; they are passed on "by eye" and through "the habit of the hand". As the younger generation takes part less in these processes, the transmission of knowledge can weaken.
Economic conditions. The cost of living is also raising the cost of large gatherings around the table. Generous hospitality that was once taken for granted can today be a quiet source of financial worry for some families. When the wish that "nothing should be missing for our guests" clashes with the budget, preparation can turn into stress rather than pleasure.
These changes can be seen not as a story of loss but as a transformation. Families gather in different ways today; the question is how we can carry the meaning of old rituals into these new forms.
The Psychology of Shared Meals: Ritual, Belonging and Connection
In psychology and family studies, it is often emphasised that families regularly eating together may be associated with wellbeing, particularly for children and adolescents. This association may stem not from some special magical effect of the table itself but from the opportunities the table provides: to talk, to rest, to be seen and to keep up with one another.
The psychological functions of shared meals can be grouped under a few headings:
- Predictability. Rituals are moments that repeat and reassure in a life full of uncertainty. Knowing that "every holiday morning we meet at this table" creates a sense of security, especially for children.
- Belonging. A particular dish being made in a particular way in a particular family strengthens the sense of "us". The sentence "This is how we make dolma in our house" is really a statement of identity.
- Contact between generations. Working side by side in the kitchen opens up a space where grandmother and grandchild, mother and daughter-in-law, father and son can talk naturally. It is much easier than sitting face to face and saying "let's talk".
- Shared effort, shared meaning. Taking part in a long preparation process makes everyone who finally sits down to eat feel that the moment is valuable. Effort magnifies meaning.
What makes a meal long is not only its cooking time, but the conversations held and the silences shared during that time.
Another value of working together in the kitchen is being "side by side". Talking while looking each other in the eye can be challenging for some people; adolescents in particular, and adults who do not express their feelings easily, may open up more readily when their hands are busy with a task. A conversation that begins while sorting vegetables or setting the table can sometimes give the chance for something left unsaid for weeks to be put into words.
These tables are a source of memory, especially for family members who have migrated or live far away. A smell or a taste taking a person back many years is an experience many people recognise. We look at the relationship between food, memory and identity in Çorum in a broader context in our article on Çorum's dishes, memory and identity.
Tensions at the Table: Sharing the Work and the Invisible Load
Long tables lend themselves very easily to romanticising; but not every family table is full of peace. Seeing this realistic side matters if we are to experience rituals in a healthier way.
Unequal labour. Preparing for large gatherings often falls on the shoulders of women, especially the mothers and daughters-in-law of the family. Someone spending days in the kitchen may feel tired and resentful when she finally sits down at the table.
Expectation and judgement. Comments such as "It's not like my mother's dolma" or "We don't make it like that in our house", even if well meant, can be perceived as criticism that belittles the effort. For new daughters-in-law in particular, the family table can feel like an "exam".
A stage for old resentments. Siblings who have not seen each other all year, or relatives with unresolved problems between them, meeting at the same table can bring tension to the surface. We look separately at family tensions during the holidays in our article on holiday stress.
Blurred boundaries. At extended family gatherings, questions such as "who will come when, who will bring what, who will stay where" can also turn into arguments between couples. More time being given to one partner's family can leave the other feeling excluded.
Let's say a young couple gathers every holiday at the home of one partner's family in İskilip. The woman is in the kitchen from early in the morning; her husband sits with the men. She wants both to belong to the family and not to feel invisible in this arrangement. Her husband, meanwhile, keeps putting off raising the subject because he is wary of upsetting his mother. Talking about how these two wishes can exist at the same time can help the table stay meaningful for both of them.
Slow Rituals Like İskilip Dolması: Suggestions for Families
Making a long-cooking dish like İskilip dolması every week is not realistic for most families. But the meaning that dish carries can be brought into daily life in different ways:
- Set a small but regular shared meal. A fixed get-together where phones are put aside, such as one evening a week or a Sunday breakfast, can build more connection than big holiday tables.
- Share the preparation. Children and partners taking on tasks in the preparation, however small, both spreads the load and strengthens the feeling of "we made it together".
- Record recipes and stories. Writing down grandmother's recipe and the memories connected to that dish, or recording them on video, makes it easier for knowledge and memory to pass to the next generations.
- Discuss expectations in advance. Clarifying beforehand who will prepare what and how long the visit will last can reduce tension on the day of the holiday.
- Let go of the perfect table. The value of a ritual comes not from the perfection of the food but from the time spent together.
- Include family members who are far away. For someone who cannot come for the holiday, "joining" the table by video call can keep the sense of belonging alive.
These rituals can also have a counterpart for people who live alone or far from their families. An evening meal hosted in turns with friends, a pot of food shared with neighbours, or trying a recipe from home in a new city can keep the feeling of a "family table" alive in a different way. The essence of a ritual is less a blood tie than a regular and caring get-together.
We look at the balance between setting boundaries and maintaining closeness in extended family relationships in our article on boundaries in the extended family.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Experiencing tension at family gatherings from time to time is entirely ordinary. However, in the following situations it may be helpful to talk to a professional:
- If, as family gatherings approach, you experience intense anxiety, sleeplessness or physical complaints for days beforehand
- If arguments at the table repeatedly turn into people not speaking to each other or long-lasting resentments
- If disagreements about family visits have begun to put noticeable strain on your relationship with your partner
- If you constantly feel exhausted and worthless because of the burden of caring and preparation
- If you have started avoiding family gatherings altogether and this upsets you
These signs do not mean a diagnosis, but they show that the difficulty you are experiencing is worth talking about. If family relationships are creating tension between partners, couples therapy may be an option.
How Are Family Relationships and Rituals Approached in Therapy?
In therapy, family rituals can be an important window onto a person's role and relationships within the family. Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), thoughts about family gatherings such as "There's bound to be a row again this time" or "Whatever I do, they won't like it" are identified and their realism examined. Communication and boundary-setting skills that can be used in difficult moments are worked on.
In work with couples, how habits and expectations coming from two different families can be reconciled is discussed. Working on the idea of "our way of doing things" instead of the distinction between "your family" and "my family" can help the couple create their own rituals.
The schema therapy perspective looks at the origins of the roles a person takes on within the family. Someone who has tried to please everyone since childhood may be pushing their own needs completely into the background at the holiday table too. Recognising this pattern makes it easier to find a more balanced place without breaking family ties. Sometimes, too, a loss in the past, such as the death of an elder who used to sit at the head of the table, can turn holiday tables into a sorrowful reminder; the traces of this grief at the table can also be talked about in therapy. These sessions can take place in Çorum face to face or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is İskilip dolması made on special occasions?
İskilip dolması is known as a wedding and holiday dish and requires a long cooking time. Labour-intensive dishes like this are associated with special days when the community comes together rather than with the everyday table.
Does eating together as a family really make a difference?
Research shows that regular family meals may be associated with wellbeing, especially for children and adolescents. However, what matters is less the table itself than the communication that takes place there and the time spent together.
We always have tension at holiday meals. What can we do?
Discussing expectations in advance, sharing the burden of preparation and not raising sensitive subjects at the table can reduce tension. If the tension turns into long-lasting resentment, talking to a professional may be helpful.
Should children help in the kitchen?
Small, age-appropriate tasks can help children feel part of the family. What matters is that the task is experienced not as a burden but as an enjoyable activity done together. For a young child, even putting napkins on the table can be enough to feel they are contributing to the meal.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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