Family in Hittite Law: Marriage and Divorce — What Has Changed in 3,500 Years and What Has Not?

How did Hittite law regulate family life? Read about bride price, dowry and divorce provisions alongside today's marriages and family psychology.

When a couple decides to marry, one of the first things the families discuss is still the dowry, the gold jewellery and the wedding costs. Have you ever wondered how old this negotiation is? Among the tablets found at Boğazköy, in the Hittite capital Hattusa, are legal texts regulating marriage, divorce, inheritance and adoption. Family in Hittite law is one of the rare sources that show how a society that lived around 3,500 years ago on what are today the lands of Çorum viewed marriage, what safeguards women and men had, and how disputes within the family were addressed. In this article I will treat these texts not as a matter of historical curiosity but as a mirror held up to today's family relationships — without exaggeration and without falling for easy narratives such as "ancient equality".

Family in Hittite Law: What Do the Sources Say?

The tablet archive at Hattusa is on UNESCO's Memory of the World register; UNESCO describes it as roughly 25,000 tablets. An archive of around 4,000 tablets is also reported at Şapinuva, in Çorum's Ortaköy district. Some of these texts are legal provisions and offer direct information about family life.

The main points that academic studies commonly report are:

• The laws contain provisions on marriage, divorce, inheritance and adoption.
• Two concepts stand out in marriage: the bride price given by the groom or his family, referred to in the sources as kušata, and the dowry from the bride's family, referred to as iwaru.
• It is reported that in the event of divorce the dowry could return with the woman to her father's house. This is interpreted as a provision intended to ensure that a woman was not left entirely without security when a marriage ended.
• Studies of family law in the ancient Near East also discuss concepts such as maintenance, compensation and the division of property (Şahin, 2015).

Care is needed when interpreting these texts. Kumaş's 2018 study discusses patriarchal and matriarchal traces in Hittite legal texts through the lens of inheritance. Ortega Balanza's 2014 assessment takes a critical look at how the laws viewed women's bodies and labour. The academic consensus can be summarised as follows: compared with some other codes of the same period, the laws may have improved women's position to a certain extent; but the society was clearly patriarchal, and inequality is visible in the texts.

In short, we are talking about a family structure that was "patriarchal but regulated". Neither an egalitarian paradise by today's standards, nor an order that recognised no rights at all.

A Sociological Reading: Why Is Family Always a Contract?

Perhaps the most important thing the Hittite texts say to us today is that marriage has always been a contract that concerns more than two people. Bride price and dowry mean that two families become bound to each other economically and socially. This is still a familiar situation in many parts of Turkey today: pre-wedding conversations about "who will buy what", whose property the jewellery will be considered, and with which side's support the home will be furnished.

Possible structural factors can be listed as follows:

• The need for economic security: In societies based on farming and livestock, the family is also a unit of production. Regulating the property dimension of marriage protects the continuity of this unit.
• Women's vulnerability: Whether a woman could remain economically on her feet after divorce or the death of her husband has been a concern of family and law in many societies.
• Kinship networks: Marriage widens the solidarity network of two families; for this reason, conflicts too are often played out between the two families.

Today, the modern law governing marriage and divorce in Turkey grants equal rights to women and men. But expectations in everyday life do not always keep pace with the law. Let us say a young couple never discussed who the gold given at their wedding would ultimately belong to. When a disagreement arises, the issue may become less a matter of the couple's own decision and more one of two families' sense of honour and entitlement. This scene is a present-day reflection of a tension that people tried to put on record thousands of years ago.

Another interesting point is that these texts were written on the very lands where people from Çorum live today. The excavations that have continued at Hattusa since 1906 and the work at Şapinuva turn these provisions from textbook knowledge into a local story. When discussing family rules, saying "On our lands, these issues have been talked about for thousands of years" can help people see tension not as a personal failure but as a shared human question.

Family in Hittite Law and the Family Today: What Has Changed?

A great deal has changed. Marriage today is legally based on the free will of two adults. Women are far more visible in education and working life. Although divorce is still a socially difficult decision, it is legally a route open to both spouses. The welfare of the child has become central to family law.

What has not changed includes the following:

1. The search for security: When entering a relationship, people look for material as well as emotional security. This is not a flaw; it is part of human nature.
2. Balance between families: The balance of power between two families in a marriage still affects the couple's relationship today. Relationships between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, or son-in-law and father-in-law, are the most visible areas of this balance.
3. The pain of separation and the sense of justice: Divorce is not only a legal process but also a period in which the feeling "I have been treated unfairly" is experienced intensely. The division of property and the children's future are the issues around which this feeling concentrates most.
4. Women's voices being heard: The role of Queen Puduhepa in Hittite diplomatic correspondence is explored in academic theses. This reminds us that women's social influence has existed in every era, but has often been visible only in limited spheres.

The purpose of this comparison is neither to glorify nor to belittle the past. Reading the family provisions in Hittite law allows us to see that some of the tensions we experience today stem not from personal shortcomings but from very old, shared questions of human societies. This perspective can make it easier for couples and families to seek a shared solution instead of blaming one another. Knowing the answers previous generations gave to these questions can be a starting point for finding our own.

What protects a family is not only its rules, but the ability to talk about those rules.

A Psychological Reading: Money, Trust and Belonging in Marriage

From a psychological point of view, arrangements such as bride price and dowry touch on three basic needs: security, being valued and belonging.

Security: "What will happen if this relationship ends?" is a question most couples do not ask out loud but carry inside. Not talking about it often makes insecurity grow. Couples who discuss financial matters openly before marriage can, to some extent, prevent these issues from exploding later at moments of crisis. I discussed this in more detail in my article on premarital counselling.

Being valued: In many families, the dowry or jewellery means "the value we place on our daughter" or "the respect shown to the bride". This is why arguments about these matters can easily turn into a personal sense of worthlessness. Remarks such as "too little gold was given" or "the dowry wasn't good enough" can leave hurt feelings that are remembered for years.

Belonging: Marriage involves a person's effort to belong both to their own family and to their new one. This double belonging can lead to loyalty conflicts, especially where the extended family structure is strong: "Do I upset my mother or my spouse?"

The presence of inheritance and succession provisions in the Hittite texts brings to mind another tension that many families experience today: the division of an inheritance among siblings. Disputes over a field, a house or a shop that begin after the death of a mother or father often fall in the middle of the grieving process. While living through the loss, a person may also be struggling with the feeling "I have been treated unfairly". Beneath these disputes there usually lie old hurts that have gone unspoken for years: "He was always the favourite", "I was the one who looked after our mother, but I never got the credit". Inheritance can thus become not just a division of property but a reckoning over how love and effort were distributed in the family.

The fact that adoption was regulated thousands of years ago also reminds us that family is not defined by blood ties alone. Today, families who decide to adopt or to become foster carers also face delicate questions, such as how to give a child a sense of roots and belonging, and how to speak respectfully about the child's past. The answer to these questions is a consistent and safe relationship that makes the child feel they have a place where they belong.

At the point of divorce, all of these needs are shaken at once. A person may lose their financial security, a relationship in which they felt valued, and the sense of belonging to a family. This is why the anger, anxiety and grief experienced during divorce are entirely understandable reactions.

Practical Suggestions for Today's Couples and Families

Historical texts do not offer us ready-made solutions; but they show which issues have been difficult across generations. With this in mind, here are some suggestions:

1. Talk about money before marriage. Discussing matters such as wedding costs, whose property the jewellery will be considered and how household items will be bought — at a calm moment and without treating them as "shameful" — can reduce later resentment.
2. Separate family expectations from the couple's decision. The families' views are valuable; but having the couple make the final decision together draws the boundaries of the marriage from the very start.
3. Ask "What do we need?" instead of "Who is right?" Beneath arguments about money there is usually a need for security or for being valued. Talking about the need opens more doors than talking about figures.
4. If divorce is on the table, give yourself time first. Financial and legal decisions taken when anger is at its peak can lead to regret later. It helps to consider legal support and psychological support together.
5. Keep children out of arguments about dividing property. Forcing a child to defend one side's "rights" places a heavy burden on them.
6. Listen to the stories of earlier generations. Your elders' stories of marriage and dowry can help you understand which values matter in your family and why; this makes empathy easier when expectations clash.

If you are on the threshold of a decision about divorce, I discussed this process in more detail in my article on making the decision to divorce.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Disagreements about money and family expectations in a marriage are common. However, it may be helpful to see a professional in the following situations:

• if arguments about money, dowry, jewellery or family contributions have been recurring for months without resolution,
• if one of the spouses constantly feels worthless, controlled or insecure,
• if tension between the two families is preventing the couple from growing closer,
• if the thought of divorce is on the table and you are struggling to decide,
• if anger, grief or anxiety after divorce is clearly affecting your daily life.

These signs are not on their own a diagnosis of a problem; but they may show that the time has come to look at the relationship and yourself from the outside.

How Are Marital and Family Conflicts Addressed in Therapy?

Couples therapy aims to make visible the needs and fears underlying a couple's recurring conflicts. Arguments about money are often not only about money; they carry deeper questions such as "Do you care about me?" or "Is it your family or me?" In therapy these questions are discussed in a safe setting, and the couple is supported in developing their own way of reaching agreement.

In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, automatic thoughts such as "If they gave little gold, it means they see me as worthless" or "If I don't defend my own family, I'll be betraying them" are identified, and alternative perspectives are developed. Concrete work is done on communication skills, problem solving and setting boundaries.

A schema therapy perspective, meanwhile, helps us understand how early patterns that spouses carry from their own families (for example, feelings of abandonment or defectiveness) shape their reactions within the marriage. Individual sessions can also be included for people going through or emerging from a divorce.

Frequently Asked Questions

Could women divorce under Hittite law?

Academic studies report that Hittite law contained provisions on divorce and that, in the event of divorce, the dowry could return with the woman to her father's house. However, they also emphasise that the society was patriarchal and that rights were not equal in today's sense.

What did bride price and dowry mean for the Hittites?

In the sources, the bride price appears as kušata and the dowry as iwaru. These arrangements show that marriage created an economic and social bond between two families and that it was intended for the woman to have a certain degree of security.

Does talking about money damage a marriage?

Usually the opposite is true. Discussing financial matters openly and at a calm moment can reduce the resentment that might otherwise erupt at times of crisis. What matters is that the conversation aims to understand shared needs rather than to assign blame.

How can I cope with family elders interfering in our marriage?

The first step is to agree on a shared stance with your spouse. Listening respectfully to elders' views and making decisions as a couple are not mutually exclusive. If the tension continues, discussing boundaries with a professional may be helpful.

• #Hittite laws
• #family psychology
• #marriage
• #divorce
• #Çorum

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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