Why do families and young couples clash as wedding traditions change? Explore how generations negotiate tradition and how to stay close yet autonomous.
"How can there be a wedding without a henna night?" "Do we really need to get into debt for such a big wedding?" "Everyone else did it — what will people say if we don't?" Many couples preparing to marry, and their families, hear or say these sentences at some point. Wedding traditions are important rituals through which a family shows its bond with the past, its place in the community and the love it feels for its children. But when the same traditions meet changing economic conditions and the different expectations of a new generation, they can turn into a quiet or loud negotiation within the family. In a city like Çorum, which has both deep-rooted traditions and is changing rapidly, this negotiation is particularly visible. In this article I will look at the causes of this tension, its psychological dimension, and possible ways of remaining "both connected and autonomous".
What Do We Know About Wedding Traditions?
First, I would like to state clearly the limits of the information we have. The recipe booklets of the Çorum Provincial Directorate of Culture and Tourism record examples of wedding dishes such as wedding soup and the set of dishes known as the "Çorum beşlisi" (Çorum five). This shows that the wedding table holds an important place in the city's cultural heritage. However, I could not find a compilation that documents henna and wedding traditions specific to Çorum in detail and with sources. So rather than inventing details specific to Çorum, in this article I will address, within a general framework, the transformation of weddings that is common to many parts of Turkey.
It is worth remembering how old the arrangements surrounding weddings and marriage are on these lands. The Hittite laws found at Hattusa contain provisions on matters such as marriage, bride price and dowry. I covered this subject in detail in my article on family in Hittite law. In other words, the negotiation around weddings and marriage is a human experience that has gone on for thousands of years.
Some trends observed across Turkey today include:
- wedding costs rising along with the cost of living, and some families going into debt to cover them,
- the expectation that several events — engagement, henna night, promise ceremony and a wedding hall reception — will all be organised,
- young couples' wish for smaller, more personal or less costly weddings,
- social media turning weddings into a "show" and increasing the pressure to compare,
- pressure on couples living in big cities to hold a separate wedding in their hometown as well.
There is no numerical data specific to Çorum for these trends; they are general observations.
It is also worth remembering that traditions are not only a burden. Psychologically, rituals help us make sense of life's major transitions. A daughter leaving her father's home, two families coming together, a couple starting a new life — these involve emotions that are hard for a person to carry alone. Eating together at the wedding table, relatives gathering, and the blessings of elders allow this transition to be shared with the community and allow feelings to be lived within a framework. For this reason, abandoning wedding traditions entirely can also leave some people with an unexpected sense of emptiness.
A Sociological Reading: Why Does Tradition Become a Matter of Negotiation?
Çiğdem Kağıtçıbaşı, one of the most important figures in Turkish psychology, proposed a model to explain change in the family. According to this model, with urbanisation and education, families become less materially dependent on one another; but this does not mean that emotional bonds weaken. As Kağıtçıbaşı emphasised in her 2005 study, autonomy (being able to make one's own decisions) and relatedness (maintaining close bonds) are not opposites. A person can be someone who makes their own decisions and also remains connected to their family.
Wedding traditions are one of the areas where these two needs meet most often. Possible structural factors can be listed as follows:
- Economic transformation: Traditional weddings were often organised with the contribution of the community and through mutual help. Today, most of the costs fall on the couple and their families.
- Urbanisation and migration: Weddings attended by everyone in a village or small neighbourhood may feel both distant and different in meaning for a couple living in a big city.
- Education and women's participation in working life: Young women may want a more active say in decisions about the wedding.
- Community pressure: In small and medium-sized cities, the worry "What will people say?" can be decisive in families' wedding decisions. A wedding may be seen as an indicator of the family's standing in the community.
- Different meanings across generations: For a parent, a wedding is a moment awaited for a lifetime and a responsibility towards the community; for a young couple, it is a personal celebration of their own beginning.
These factors do not establish definite causation; but they help explain why the same wedding can carry such different meanings within a family.
Wedding Traditions and the Psychology of Generational Conflict
The arguments that arise during wedding preparations often appear on the surface to be about seating plans, the guest list or the music. But deeper feelings lie beneath.
On the parent's side: For a mother or father, a child's wedding is the crowning moment of a process they have invested in for years. Keeping traditions alive can mean repaying a debt of loyalty to their own parents and saying to the community, "We too have married off our child properly." A child not wanting certain traditions may be perceived by the parent as "They don't care about us" or "They're ashamed of us."
On the young person's side: For a young couple, the wedding is one of the first joint decisions of their life together. Having no say in this decision can give rise to the worry: "Will decisions be made for us after we marry, too?" Some young people agree to a wedding they do not want so as not to upset their families, and carry the inner resentment this creates for years.
Between the couple: Two different families may have different traditions. One side may care deeply about the henna night while the other sees it as unnecessary. Partners can become caught between their own family's expectations and their partner's wishes. This squeeze creates a loyalty conflict at the very start of the marriage: "Do I upset my mother or my fiancé?"
Let us say a young couple working in a big city want a simple civil ceremony and a small dinner. The groom's family, however, expects a traditional wedding in their hometown attended by all their relatives. If the couple give in to the family's wishes, they will have suppressed their own; if they do not, the family will be hurt. In this scene, nobody is the "bad guy"; everyone is trying to protect something meaningful from their own point of view.
Social media adds a new layer to this picture. Photos and videos shared from other people's weddings can create pressure, among both families and young couples, that "Ours must be at least as beautiful as theirs." This comparison can lead to decisions that strain the budget and to the real meaning of the wedding being overshadowed. When a wedding becomes more of a show than a coming together of two people and two families, both anxiety and disappointment can grow.
The period after the wedding matters too. When hurt feelings that arose during the preparations are left unspoken, they can be carried into the first months of the marriage. Feelings such as "My mother was never consulted at the wedding" or "Our side's relatives were pushed into the background" can affect the new family's relationship with the extended family for a long time.
Tradition lives when it is a bridge between generations; it breaks when it becomes a test.
Both Connected and Autonomous: Suggestions for Negotiating Tradition
As Kağıtçıbaşı emphasised, it is possible to make your own decisions while remaining connected to your family. Some suggestions for striking this balance:
- Talk as a couple first. Before talking to your families, establish what the two of you really care about, where you can be flexible and on which points you are firm. A shared stance makes conversations with families easier.
- Ask about the meaning of the tradition. Asking your parent "Why is this tradition important to you?" moves the discussion from form to meaning. Sometimes it is possible to keep the essence of a tradition while changing its form.
- Be selective. You do not have to either accept or reject every tradition entirely. Keeping some and simplifying others makes room for both sides.
- Be realistic about the budget. A wedding paid for with debt during a cost-of-living crisis can place serious stress on the first years of marriage. Talking openly about your financial limits reduces later tensions.
- Let each family's representative talk to their own family. Difficult conversations with your partner's family should be held by your partner, not you. This prevents the bride or groom from being cast as the "guilty party".
- Give parents a role. While the couple makes some decisions, leaving certain areas to the parents prevents them from feeling excluded. For example, choosing the wedding dishes could be left to an elder.
- Remember that the wedding is one day. The wedding is important; but the marriage lasts far longer than that day. Taking care that relationships are not permanently wounded during the wedding process is at least as important as the wedding itself.
I discussed which topics should be talked through before marriage in my article on premarital counselling, and setting boundaries with the extended family in my article on the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship.
A Few Notes for Parents
Among the readers of this article are also parents whose children are about to marry. Here are a few thoughts for you:
- Your child wanting a different kind of wedding may not mean that they are rejecting you or your traditions. Often it is simply a wish to make a decision about their own life.
- Remember your own experiences at your wedding. It is likely that you, too, went through similar negotiations with your own parents.
- Notice the worry "What will people say?" When you have to choose between the community's expectations and your child's happiness, consider which carries more lasting value for you.
- Express your hurt, but leave the decision to your child. Sharing your feelings is healthy; but pressure or blame can do long-term damage to the relationship.
- The way to make traditions loved is through stories. Sharing memories of your own wedding and your elders' weddings can open the door for your child to feel the meaning of these traditions — and perhaps to continue some of them of their own accord.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Experiencing tension while preparing for a wedding is normal. However, it may be helpful to talk to a professional in the following situations:
- if the wedding preparations are causing constant arguments between the couple and shaking the relationship,
- if tension between the family and the young couple has turned into estrangement or threats,
- if one partner is caught between their own family and their partner and constantly feels guilty,
- if hurt feelings after the wedding are casting a shadow over the first months of the marriage,
- if debt and financial stress caused by wedding costs are clearly affecting sleep and mood.
These signs do not on their own amount to a diagnosis; but they may show that unspoken tensions are beginning to weigh on the relationship.
How Are Family Expectations and Conflicts Over Tradition Addressed in Therapy?
In couples therapy, couples who are about to marry or are in the early stages of marriage can talk together about their expectations and boundaries regarding their families. The aim of therapy is to create a space in which the couple can make their own joint decisions without severing their bonds with their families.
In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, automatic thoughts such as "If I don't have the wedding my family wants, I'll disappoint them" or "If I say what I want, I'll be selfish" are identified and evaluated from more balanced perspectives. Skills such as setting boundaries, using "I" statements and preparing for difficult conversations are practised concretely.
A schema therapy perspective, meanwhile, helps us understand how early patterns such as "self-sacrifice" or "approval-seeking" are activated in some people when faced with family expectations. Where necessary, sessions that also include family members can make communication between generations easier.
Frequently Asked Questions
What wedding traditions are specific to Çorum?
The recipe booklets of the Çorum Provincial Directorate of Culture and Tourism record wedding dishes such as wedding soup and the Çorum beşlisi. However, no sourced compilation documenting Çorum-specific henna and wedding traditions in detail could be found; the stories of family elders are a valuable source in this respect.
Will our relationship suffer if I don't have the wedding my family wants?
Such a fear is understandable; but most families, despite initial hurt, gradually come to accept their child's decision. Explaining your decision respectfully, involving your family in some areas and trying to preserve the meaning of the tradition make this process easier.
My partner's family and I can't agree about the wedding — what should I do?
First, agree on a shared stance with your partner and have your partner hold the difficult conversations with their own family. This prevents you from being seen as the "difficult bride" or "difficult groom". If the tension continues, seeking support as a couple may be helpful.
Is having a small wedding disrespectful to tradition?
No. Traditions live on by being reinterpreted in each generation according to circumstances. A small wedding can also preserve the elements of tradition that you find meaningful. What matters is that the decision is made consciously by the couple and that the families' feelings are also taken into account.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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