Why does loneliness abroad happen and how does it ease? Signs, causes and practical ways for Turks living overseas to build connection again.
In a city where millions of people live, you can pass hundreds of people on the metro every day and still notice, when you get home in the evening, that you have not really spoken to anyone. Your phone holds messages from your family in Turkey and familiar faces appear on your screen, but there is no one beside you to share a cup of tea with. Loneliness abroad is a burden that many Turks living overseas carry in silence. In this article we look at what loneliness abroad is, the signs through which it shows itself, why it arises, how it affects family and relationships, and the concrete steps you can take to ease it.
What Is Loneliness Abroad?
Loneliness is the painful feeling of a gap between the relationships a person has and the relationships they want to have. In other words, loneliness is not about how many people are around you but about how seen, understood and connected you feel. We discuss the general aspects of the feeling in our article on feeling lonely.
Loneliness abroad has some characteristics of its own:
- Distance from your roots: The people who have known you since childhood and know your past are far away.
- The distance of language: Even if you speak the language of the new country well, it can be hard to share your jokes, your idioms and your inner world with the same ease.
- Cultural loneliness: Few people can understand what a religious holiday morning, a folk song or your mother's cooking makes you feel.
- Invisibility: Some people can feel "invisible" in the new country; they may think they have not found a place fully either in their own community or in the new society.
In psychology, loneliness is usually considered in three dimensions: emotional loneliness (the absence of a close, secure relationship), social loneliness (the absence of a network of friends and community) and cultural loneliness (the absence of people who share your culture and language). Abroad, all three can be experienced at once.
Imagine a young woman working in London who is liked at work and whose ideas are heard in meetings. Her weekdays are full; but when she leaves the office on Friday evening, she knows she will not speak to anyone for two days. She gets on well with her colleagues, but none of them is close enough to bring her soup when she is ill. Her friends in Turkey are absorbed in their own lives, and with every call she feels they have drifted a little further away. This woman's loneliness comes not from a lack of social skills but from the fact that deep bonds have not yet formed in a new life. With the right steps, such loneliness can change over time.
What Are the Signs of Loneliness Abroad?
Loneliness is sometimes felt as a clear emotion and sometimes shows itself in other forms. You can watch for the following signs:
- An emptiness or sadness that becomes sharper in the evenings and at weekends
- Spending hours on social media but feeling lonelier afterwards
- Feeling quietly hurt when looking at photos of friends and family in Turkey
- Turning down invitations or feeling left out in social settings
- The thought "No one really knows me" or "I have no one here"
- Feeling the day is empty because there is no one to talk to after work or school
- Disturbed sleep and changes in eating habits
- Taking refuge more and more in alcohol, series, games or shopping
- Neglecting self-care and putting off even small tasks
Short-term loneliness is a feeling everyone experiences. But when loneliness lasts and intensifies, it can be linked with mental health problems such as low mood, anxiety and sleep difficulties. Research shows that long-term loneliness can have negative effects on both mental and physical health.
Loneliness is not a flaw; it is the signal of a need: the human need to connect.
Why Does Loneliness Abroad Happen? Cultural Context
There can be many causes behind loneliness abroad, and they feed one another.
Loss of the support network. In Turkey, daily life is often interwoven with relationships with family, relatives, neighbours and friends. There are people who rush to help when there is a problem, who share a joy, who knock on your door without an appointment. When you migrate, this natural network disappears at once, and building a new one takes time.
Different social rules. In some countries, friendship develops more slowly, more deliberately and with more distance. A coffee meeting may be planned weeks ahead; neighbours rarely visit each other's homes. For someone used to the warmth of Turkey, this can come across as "Nobody here wants to be friends". Most of the time, though, it is simply a different culture of friendship.
Language and self-confidence. When you cannot speak the language fully, joining conversations, joking or showing yourself as you are becomes harder. This can lead to avoiding social settings and to more loneliness.
A heavy work pace. Especially people who have just migrated may work very hard to prove themselves, secure their finances or complete processes such as recognition of their qualifications. This reduces the time and energy left for social relationships.
Time difference. Communication with family and friends in Turkey can be limited by the time difference. In the evening hours when you most need to talk, they may be asleep.
Experiences of discrimination. Meeting exclusion or prejudice can reduce a person's wish to connect with the new society and lead them to withdraw in order to protect themselves.
A complicated relationship with the Turkish community. Some people find support in the Turkish community abroad, while others may feel like outsiders there too. It is not always easy to build bonds between different generations, people from different cities and people with different worldviews. Some prefer to keep their distance because of social pressure and fear of gossip within the community.
The Effect of Loneliness Abroad on Family, Relationships and Children
Although loneliness looks like an individual feeling, it also affects relationships within the family.
Overloading the partner. Abroad, partners often become each other's only close relationship. The emotional load that was shared with friends, siblings and parents in Turkey is now placed entirely on the partner. This can lead to tension in the relationship, unmet expectations and resentment.
The loneliness of the partner who stays at home. Especially people who do not work or who migrated for their partner's job may be alone all day. When their partner comes home from work they may badly need to talk, while the partner is tired and quiet. This encounter can leave both feeling lonely. In situations like this, couples therapy can help partners understand each other's needs.
Children's loneliness. Children can also experience loneliness abroad: being far from their cousins and grandparents in Turkey, struggling to make friends at school or feeling different. A parent's loneliness can also reach the child; a tired and sad parent may not make enough room for the child's emotional needs.
The relationship with family in Turkey. Sharing your loneliness with your family in Turkey can sometimes be hard. Saying everything is fine "so they don't worry" can deepen the loneliness even more.
Coping With Loneliness Abroad: What You Can Do on Your Own
It is not possible to remove loneliness all at once; but small, regular steps can help you build meaningful bonds over time.
- Notice and name your loneliness. Saying "I feel lonely, and this is a sign of a natural human need" reduces shame. Loneliness is not a failure.
- Make a weekly social plan. Plan at least one social activity each week: a coffee meeting, a course, a sports group or a community event. Instead of waiting for it to happen on its own, write it in your calendar like an appointment.
- Join recurring settings. Friendship often grows from seeing the same people regularly. A language course, choir, walking group or voluntary work that you attend once a week offers more chance to build bonds than one-off events.
- Build bonds in both directions. Be open to forming relationships both with the Turkish community and with people from the country you live in. Both kinds of relationship can meet different needs.
- Try taking the first step. Inviting a colleague to lunch, introducing yourself to a neighbour or asking another parent "Shall we have a coffee?" can feel daunting. There is a chance of being turned down; but that is not about your worth. Start with small steps.
- Keep your link with Turkey deliberately. Set regular video-call times with your family and friends. Taking the time difference into account and creating a fixed weekly "family hour" can strengthen the bond.
- Review your use of social media. Social media can increase the sense of connection, but sometimes it feeds comparison and the feeling of being left out. Notice how you feel after using it and limit the time if needed.
- Strengthen your relationship with yourself. It is also important to make time spent alone meaningful. Taking up a hobby, going for a walk, reading a book or keeping a journal can turn being alone from "emptiness" into something else.
- Keep your routines. Regular sleep, eating and movement help balance your mood. Try to get daylight, especially in the winter months.
- Do not hesitate to ask for help. Sharing your loneliness with someone you trust can be a first step. Sometimes the answer "I feel the same" makes loneliness shareable.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Loneliness abroad often eases with time and as new relationships form. However, talking to a professional can be useful in the following situations:
- If loneliness has continued for several months without easing
- If you feel sadness, hopelessness or worthlessness almost every day
- If you increasingly avoid social settings
- If there are marked changes in your sleep, appetite or energy
- If you turn to alcohol or other substances more often
- If you struggle to meet your responsibilities at work, school or home
These symptoms alone do not amount to a diagnosis; but they show that you may need support.
Emergencies: If you have thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency service; in cases of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are essential.
How Is Loneliness Handled in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
Being able to talk about your loneliness in your own language can sometimes be a relief in itself. Online therapy offers a space where you can speak Turkish wherever you are in the country you live in. For details aimed at people living abroad, see the page on Turkish-language therapy for Turks living abroad.
In therapy, loneliness abroad is usually addressed in the following ways:
Mapping the loneliness. Together we look at which dimension your loneliness is concentrated in (emotional, social or cultural), in which situations it increases and in which it decreases.
Noticing thinking patterns. In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts that feed loneliness are addressed. Thoughts such as "No one wants to be friends with me", "Everyone here sees me as a foreigner" or "If I invite them they will be bothered" can stop you taking social steps. The evidence for these thoughts and the alternatives to them are evaluated together.
Planning behavioural steps. Small, achievable social goals are set: having a coffee with a colleague this week, signing up for a course, chatting with a neighbour. After each step we talk about what happened and what was learned.
Strengthening social skills. If needed, we work on skills such as starting a conversation, inviting someone or setting boundaries in a new culture.
Recognising the loss and grief dimension. Grieving the relationships left behind and accepting these losses can make it easier to make room for new relationships.
Session times are planned according to the time difference; a quiet and private space, headphones and a secure internet connection are recommended. Payments can be made online; pricing is in TL and payment by international card is possible.
Frequently Asked Questions
When does loneliness abroad pass?
There is no set time. Building new relationships, improving the language and creating a routine in daily life take time. Taking regular social steps can make the process easier; but a more realistic expectation is that loneliness eases over time rather than disappearing completely.
Does seeing only Turks increase loneliness?
Not by itself. The Turkish community can be an important source of support where you can share your language and culture. However, staying limited to this circle alone can keep you feeling like a foreigner in the country where you live. A balanced social network is usually more protective.
I am married but I still feel lonely. Is this normal?
Yes, it is a very common experience. Although your partner is an important source of support, they may not be able to meet all your emotional and social needs alone. Friendships and community relationships are also part of these needs.
Can loneliness abroad turn into depression?
Long-lasting and intense loneliness can be a risk factor for low mood. If, together with loneliness, you experience symptoms such as loss of enjoyment, hopelessness and changes in sleep and appetite, it is useful to get an assessment from a professional.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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