The Long-Term Effects of Bullying: When It Still Hurts Years Later

The long-term effects of bullying can reach from self-esteem to relationships in adulthood. Read how school years carry into today and what can help.

Someone well past thirty may freeze for a moment in a work meeting when they hear laughter from behind them. They know the laughter has nothing to do with them; even so, their face flushes, their heart speeds up and for the rest of the day the same question keeps circling in their mind: "Were they laughing at me?" The roots of this reaction often reach back years, to a school corridor, a nickname or a desk at break time where nobody would sit beside them. The long-term effects of bullying do not simply end when school does; they can quietly settle into the way a person sees themselves, into their relationships and into the way they regulate their emotions. In this article I look at the difficulties often faced by adults who were bullied at school, the reasons behind them and the steps that can be taken today.

Why Does Bullying Keep Having an Effect Years Later?

Bullying is not a one-off fight or an ordinary disagreement between two friends. It is the repeated and deliberate harming of someone within an imbalance of power. That harm may be physical, but it may also take the form of mockery, exclusion, spreading gossip, damaging belongings or, as we so often see today, humiliation in messaging groups and on social media.

There are several reasons why its impact lasts so long. First, bullying usually happens in the years when identity is taking shape. Middle school and secondary school are when a young person is searching for answers to the questions "Who am I, and how do others see me?" Words heard every day during this period, such as "fatty", "swot" or "village kid", can after a while stop being an insult from outside and turn into the person's own inner voice.

Second, bullying takes place in an environment that is hard to escape. A child has to get on the school bus every morning, walk into the same classroom and down the same corridor. This continuity keeps the nervous system on alert for a long time. Even years later, the body may stand ready to sound that old alarm in similar settings.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, many people received no help at the time. Responses such as "Just hit back", "Never mind, they're only kids" or "You must have done something for them to treat you like that" add loneliness and shame on top of the pain. The depth of the marks in adulthood often has as much to do with nobody having stood by you back then as with the bullying itself.

What Do the Long-Term Effects of Bullying Look Like in Adulthood?

These marks do not show up in the same way for everyone, and experiencing some of what follows does not amount to a diagnosis. Still, recognising the patterns that come up often in clinical practice can help you make sense of your own experience.

Self-image and the inner critic

Many adults who were bullied feel "lacking", "odd" or "unworthy of love" despite their achievements. When they are promoted they say "It was just luck", and when they make a mistake the voice inside them repeats the mocking sentences of years ago almost word for word. This inner critic can be far harsher than any criticism coming from outside.

Social anxiety and hypervigilance

Scanning people's faces when entering a crowded room, assuming you are being talked about when you see two people whispering, and worrying for days before joining a new group are common reactions. To manage this, some people develop a constantly jokey, constantly agreeable manner, or the opposite: a distant and cold one.

Trust and boundaries in relationships

Someone who was left out at school may, as an adult, give up their own needs so as not to be left out again. Saying "no" can stir up the fear of being dropped by a group of friends. Sometimes the reverse happens: the person lets no one get close, because closeness was once the doorway to being hurt.

Mood and the body

Prolonged bullying can be associated in adulthood with depressive periods, anxiety, sleep problems and unexplained physical complaints. This link is neither direct nor one-way; however, research consistently shows that being exposed to peer bullying in childhood is a risk factor for mental health problems in adulthood.

Perfectionism and the effort to be invisible

Some people draw the conclusion from their bullying years that "If I never give them an opening, they can't touch me." In adulthood this can show up as doing every task flawlessly, being extremely sensitive to criticism and keeping their voice low so as not to attract attention. Someone who stays silent in a meeting despite having a good idea, who turns down a promotion to avoid giving presentations, or who always stands at the very back in photos may in fact be continuing a protective strategy learned years ago. That strategy may have worked at the time; today it has become a habit that holds the person back.

The marks left by bullying on screens

The long-term effects of bullying are not limited to bullying in the school playground. Many people now in their thirties went through adolescence alongside the first social media platforms. Mocking comments under a shared photo, finding out the class was making fun of you in a secret group, or a message spreading through screenshots meant bullying that did not stop even when you closed the front door behind you. Adults who experienced cyberbullying often feel an unexplained tension about notifications arriving on their phone, or find themselves unable to post anything on social media at all.

The deepest mark bullying leaves is often not what happened itself, but the false sentences about yourself that you were forced to learn in those years.

Where Might It Show Up Today?

Old wounds often make themselves felt at unexpected moments. Let me share a few situations I hear about frequently in Turkey:

• Reunions and class groups: Being added to a messaging group set up years later, seeing photos of old classmates or receiving an invitation to a "20th anniversary reunion" can suddenly take a person back to being fourteen.
• Nicknames and banter at work: Teasing passed off with "Come on, we're only joking" can bring back old experiences in the office or on a building site. Sometimes this becomes intertwined with workplace mobbing.
• When your child starts school: A mother or father putting their own child on the school bus may become overprotective out of fear that the same things will happen, or may feel intense anger at the smallest friendship problem their child has.
• The family table: During a bayram (religious holiday) visit, a relative may laughingly recall, "You used to be so shy, everyone used to pick on you." For everyone else at the table it is ordinary small talk, but for you it can carry a heavy weight.

Let us say a forty-year-old accountant starts asking her daughter every evening, after the girl begins middle school, "Did anyone say anything to you today?" The daughter gets fed up and her husband says, "You're overdoing it." Yet behind this question lies the pain of nobody having asked her that during her own middle-school years. Noticing this can be the start of working more healthily both with her own wound and with her relationship with her child.

If you would like to know how bullying can be spotted in children and what parents can do, you can also read the article on peer bullying.

Why Are Some People Affected More Than Others?

Of two people bullied in the same class, one may seem to have left it behind while the other carries its effects for years. This difference is not a sign of personal weakness. Some of the factors that shape the impact are:

• The duration and frequency of the bullying: a few weeks is not the same as years of systematic exclusion.
• The atmosphere at home: a child who also faces criticism, neglect or violence at home has no safe space to balance out what happens at school.
• The response received when seeking help: telling a teacher or family and not being taken seriously reinforces the belief that "There's no point in telling anyone."
• The presence of even one supportive relationship: a friend, a teacher or a cousin can be protective.
• The content of the bullying: being targeted for appearance, family circumstances, accent, financial situation or identity can turn a feature the person cannot change into a source of shame.

From a schema therapy perspective, prolonged bullying can contribute to the development of early maladaptive schemas such as "defectiveness", "social isolation" or "mistrust". These schemas lead you to see today's events through that old lens too. For more on this, you can read the article on schema therapy.

What Can You Do to Cope with the Long-Term Effects of Bullying?

The steps below do not replace professional support; however, they are small and realistic changes you can start making today.

1. Name what you went through

Many adults play down what they experienced as "childhood banter". Yet accepting that it was bullying is the first step towards no longer blaming yourself. Writing down in a notebook the words that were said to you in those years, and what they make you feel today, can help you see where your inner voice comes from.

2. Catch your inner critic's sentences

For one day, note down the negative sentences you say to yourself. Then, next to each one, ask: "Does this sentence belong to me, or did I hear it from someone years ago?" Noticing the source of the voice can weaken your belief in it.

3. Look at today's evidence

Old beliefs tend to ignore present-day evidence. Make a list of the people who love you, who want to spend time with you and who come to you for advice. This list is concrete counter-evidence you can turn to when the thought "Nobody wants to be with me" comes up.

4. Recognise the moments you are triggered

Notice in which settings, or in response to which sentences, you suddenly feel yourself shrinking. In those moments, quietly telling yourself "I am not in that classroom twenty years ago right now; this is today's meeting room" can bring your body back to the present.

5. Don't rush the decision to confront

Some people want to reach out to the person who bullied them and tell them what they went through. This can sometimes bring relief; however, there is no certainty that the other person will apologise or even remember. It is healthier to take such a step after thinking through what you expect and how you would cope with a negative response.

6. Treat yourself as the adult you needed back then

What would you like to say today to your twelve-year-old self? You would probably say "It wasn't your fault" and "There was nothing wrong with you." Saying these same sentences to your present-day self is one way of developing a compassionate inner voice.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

If one or more of the following apply to you, it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional:

• Memories of past bullying come into your mind often and against your will
• You noticeably avoid social settings, work opportunities or relationships
• You have felt low, worthless or hopeless for a long time
• You notice a similar cycle repeating at work or in your relationship
• Your child's school life has turned into a source of intense anxiety for you

In some people, the marks of bullying can come with intense hopelessness and thoughts of self-harm. If you have such thoughts or do not feel safe, please call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Whether medication is needed can only be determined through an assessment by a psychiatrist.

How Are the Marks of Bullying Addressed in Therapy?

The first step in therapy is to build a safe relationship in which what you went through is taken seriously. Many people describe their experience of bullying in detail for the first time in the therapy room, and this telling alone can be healing.

In cognitive behavioural therapy, core beliefs left over from those years, such as "I am someone to be laughed at" or "People will eventually push me out", are identified and examined by comparing them with your present-day life. Gradually approaching the social situations you avoid helps your body relearn that you are now safe in these settings.

The schema therapy approach can be particularly helpful when bullying was combined with difficulties at home. In this work, the needs of your "child self" who was hurt in those years are understood, and imagery work is used to try to provide today the protection and compassion that were missing then. The voice of the inner critic is recognised, and a healthier adult voice is strengthened to stand up to it.

The aim of therapy is not to erase the past; it is to reduce the extent to which the past governs your present-day decisions and relationships. You can find information on how this kind of work unfolds on the individual therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Twenty years have passed — is it normal that I am still affected?

Yes, this is very common. Because bullying happens in the years when identity is forming and in an environment that is hard to escape, its marks can last a long time. The passing of time does not automatically erase the effects of what happened; however, working with these effects is possible at any age.

Should I confront the person who bullied me?

This is an entirely personal decision and there is no answer that is right for everyone. Before confronting them, it is important to think about what you are hoping for and how you would feel if the other person denied it or did not remember. Confrontation is not a requirement for healing.

Are children who bully also affected later on?

Some research shows that children who bully may also face various difficulties later in life. This does not lessen the pain of the person who was bullied; it simply reminds us that bullying is a harmful cycle for everyone involved.

What should I do if my spouse or friends tell me to "just forget it"?

Those close to you often say this to try to comfort you, but it can leave you feeling misunderstood. Explaining to them with concrete examples why you struggle in particular situations can help. You do not have to wait for anyone else's approval to seek support.

• #peer bullying
• #school trauma
• #self-esteem
• #shame
• #adult effects of bullying

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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