Why is making friends abroad so hard? The psychological obstacles to building friendships as an adult in a new language and culture, and concrete steps to take.
In Turkey, friendships often form spontaneously: in the neighbourhood, at school, during military service, at work, at weddings, through neighbourly relations. An acquaintance that starts with an invitation to tea can turn within a few weeks into a friendship whose "door is always open". When you move abroad, this spontaneity is often lost. You get on well with your colleagues but cannot call anyone in the evenings; you greet your neighbours but never enter each other's homes. Making friends abroad can be far harder and more time-consuming than many people expect. In this article we look at the reasons for this, the effect of loneliness on mental health, and concrete steps you can take to build new, meaningful connections far from home.
Why Is Making Friends Abroad So Hard?
Making friends as an adult is hard everywhere. At school you spend hours every day with the same people, whereas in adulthood work, family and responsibilities squeeze your time. Migration adds a few more difficulties to this.
Cultural codes of friendship are different. In Turkish culture, closeness is usually built quickly; dropping in unannounced, long conversations and mutual hospitality are normal. In some societies, friendship develops more slowly, meetings are planned in advance and personal space is wider. This difference can be perceived as "coldness" by one side and "too much closeness" by the other. Often it is simply a different rhythm.
The language barrier. Friendship is fed by jokes, subtle hints and shared memories. Picking up these subtleties in a second language takes time. A person may feel "boring" or "misunderstood".
Existing social circles may be closed. Local people's friendship circles have often been formed since school or childhood. It is not easy for a newcomer to be included in them.
Feeling temporary. A person who thinks they will stay for a while and then go back may hesitate to invest in deep connections. Likewise, other migrants or foreign workers may also be temporary; friendships formed can end when one of them moves away.
Time and energy. Work, language courses, official procedures and family responsibilities in a new country are tiring enough. There may be no energy left over for friendship.
The dilemma about the Turkish community. Some people find friends easily within the Turkish community, while others keep their distance from it for various reasons. Both being very close to the community and staying away from it altogether have their own difficulties.
Signs of Loneliness: How Does Having No Friends Affect You?
Friendship is not a luxury but a basic human need. Long-lasting social loneliness can affect both mood and body. The signs below may show that you need social connection:
- Weekends that feel long and empty, a marked sadness on Sunday evenings
- Having no one to share things with when something happens to you
- A pang in your heart when you watch your friends' get-togethers in Turkey on social media
- Relying on your spouse or partner for all of your emotional needs
- Wanting to go to social invitations but pulling out at the last minute
- Finding yourself thinking "nobody really knows me"
- Disrupted sleep, spending excessive time in front of screens
- Lack of motivation, low energy and mood swings
You can find a broader framework on loneliness while living abroad in the article on loneliness abroad.
Cultural Context: "It Wasn't Like This Back Home"
Many Turks trying to make friends abroad experience disappointment because of the difference in how friendship is understood in the two cultures. Recognising these differences can help you understand both yourself and the person in front of you better.
Invitations and hospitality. In Turkey, the phrase "Come and see us one day" is often a real invitation. In some cultures, similar sentences are used as an expression of politeness and do not happen unless a concrete plan is made. That is why, when someone says "Let's have a coffee sometime", suggesting a date and time can make things easier.
Speed of closeness. In Turkish culture, after a few meetings personal subjects and family matters can be discussed. In some societies this process takes longer. The other person opening up slowly does not necessarily mean they do not like you.
Treating and reciprocity. In Turkey, offering hospitality is a show of affection and seems to expect nothing in return, but reciprocity matters. In another culture, splitting the bill may not be coldness but an expression of equality.
Making plans. In some societies, meetings are put in the diary weeks in advance. Last-minute suggestions such as "Let's go out" will not always be met with a response. This is not a rejection but a different habit.
Friendship in a new culture is not about abandoning your old habits, but about adding a new language to them.
The Effect of Lacking Friendships on the Family and Relationships
Having no circle of friends abroad often strains the closest relationship, that is, the marriage or partnership. When one partner tries to meet all of their social and emotional needs through the other, the relationship comes under heavy strain. In particular, a person who migrated by following their spouse may be left alone at home while the spouse builds social connections at work, and this can lead to resentment.
Children are also affected by their parents' social circle. If parents have no friends, the child has fewer opportunities to meet different adult role models and to play with the children of family friends. On the other hand, children can also be a bridge for parents: school events, birthday parties and play dates offer natural opportunities for new acquaintances.
Imagine a man in his forties who has moved with his family to a Scandinavian country for work. Everyone at work is kind, but when the working day ends everyone goes home. He spends weekends with his family, but he has no "coffee friend" like back in Turkey, no one to confide in. Over time he becomes more dependent on his wife, and as she tries to build her own social life this turns into conflict. What this man needs is not more attention from his wife but other connections in his life.
Concrete Steps for Making Friends Abroad
1. Choose settings that recur. Friendship develops best in settings where you meet the same people regularly. Instead of one-off events, choose a weekly course, a sports team, a choir, a volunteering group or a regular language meet-up. Seeing the same faces over several weeks naturally deepens acquaintance.
2. Take the first step yourself. Many people want to make friends but hesitate to take the first step. After a conversation, saying "Would you like to have a coffee next week?" can receive a positive response more often than you expect. Offering something concrete makes it easier.
3. Do not take rejection personally. Not every invitation is accepted. This is often not about you but about the other person's time, energy or habits. A few negative replies are no reason to stop trying.
4. Be open to different kinds of friendship. Not every friend has to be a "best friend". Someone you go walking with, a parent you met through your children's school, a lunch companion at work: all add value to your life. When these different connections come together, they form a strong social network.
5. Build ties with both the Turkish community and the local community. Friends who speak Turkish, for whom you do not have to explain the cultural context, give you comfort. Local friends help you get to know the new country and strengthen your sense of belonging. The two are not alternatives to each other but complementary.
6. Do not overlook other migrants and newcomers. Migrants from different countries are often more open to new friendships because they have been through similar experiences. International communities, language courses and meet-ups for newcomers are valuable in this respect.
7. Use your Turkish hospitality. Inviting a few people to your home, cooking together and serving Turkish coffee is a warm way of bringing people together. Sharing your culture can be meaningful for you and interesting for others.
8. Nurture your friendships in Turkey too. While building new connections you do not have to give up your old friendships. Regular video calls, voice messages and meet-ups planned during visits to Turkey keep these ties alive.
9. Be patient. In adulthood, it can take months for an acquaintance to become a close friendship. The feeling of "I still have no friends" in the first months is natural. With time, regular contact and mutual openness, ties deepen.
10. Notice your social anxiety. If you want to go to invitations but keep pulling out at the last minute, social anxiety may lie underneath. Starting with small steps and taking part in spite of the anxiety can reduce it over time. If you would like to learn about social anxiety, you can look at the article on social phobia.
Opportunities for friendship according to your stage of life
The easy ways to build friendships vary according to the stage of life you are in:
- Students: Student societies, events run by the international students' office, study groups and shared areas in halls of residence are natural meeting points.
- Employees: Lunches at work, after-work events, professional networks and in-company sports or hobby groups offer opportunities to form first connections.
- Parents of young children: Play groups, nursery and school events, playgrounds and parent meet-ups make it easier to meet people going through the same stage.
- Retirees and older adults: Associations, places of worship, municipal meetings for older people and volunteering add both rhythm and social contact to your days.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Building a circle of friends in a new country takes time, and feeling lonely during this process is normal. However, seeking professional support can be helpful in the following situations:
- If for a long time you have had hardly any meaningful contact with anyone
- If you experience intense anxiety in social settings and therefore keep avoiding invitations
- If the feeling of loneliness has turned into low mood, hopelessness or lack of motivation
- If there are lasting changes in your sleep, appetite and energy levels
- If you try to suppress your loneliness with alcohol, excessive screen use or other means
- If there is serious tension in your relationship or marriage caused by loneliness
If your feeling of hopelessness turns into thoughts of harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country where you are: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
Issues of loneliness and friendship often involve a person's own social patterns, expectations and worries. Working in your mother tongue can make it easier to describe your experiences of friendship in Turkey, and your understanding of hospitality and neighbourliness, without long explanations. For more information, you can look at the page for Turks living abroad.
Work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can cover the following areas:
- Thought patterns: Realistically evaluating thoughts such as "Nobody wants to be friends with me", "People here are cold" or "If I invite them, I'll be a nuisance"
- Behavioural experiments: Planning small social steps (starting a conversation, making an invitation) and evaluating their results together
- Social skills: Working on starting conversations, maintaining relationships and setting boundaries in a new culture
- Working with social anxiety: Noticing the avoidance cycle and breaking it gradually
- Values and priorities: Clarifying what kind of social life is meaningful for the person
For online sessions, a quiet room, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. A time suited to the time difference can be arranged; payment can be made online. You should check the terms in the country where you live regarding insurance reimbursement. You can read about how sessions work on the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to make friends abroad?
This varies from person to person and by setting. In settings where you have regular contact, acquaintances can form within a few months, but close friendships may take longer to develop. It is important to be patient and keep trying regularly.
Why don't local people seem to want to be friends with us?
Often this is not unwillingness but a different rhythm of friendship. In some cultures closeness is built more slowly and meetings are planned in advance. Offering concrete suggestions and being patient can reduce this distance over time.
Does being friends only with Turks prevent adjustment?
Turkish friends give you strong support and familiarity; this is very valuable. In addition, building some ties with the local community strengthens your sense of belonging and helps you get to know the country you live in better. A balanced social network is good for most people.
I am an introvert and crowded settings tire me out. What can I do?
Being an introvert does not mean you cannot make friends. Instead of crowded parties, small groups, one-to-one meetings or activities based on a shared interest may suit you better. What matters is building a social life that suits your energy.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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