Is postnatal depression in fathers real, and how can you recognise it? Read about the signs in new dads, the causes and how partners can offer support.
Half past three in the morning. The baby has finally fallen asleep, and your wife has collapsed into bed, exhausted. You, meanwhile, pick up the keys, go quietly downstairs, get into the car in the car park and simply sit there without starting the engine. Half an hour. Without even looking at your phone. You tell no one about this, because you don't know how you would put it: "I've had a child, everyone's congratulating me, but I've never felt this bad in my life." Postnatal depression in fathers is a mood problem that can appear in a father in the months before the baby's birth or within the first year after it, which often goes unnoticed and, when it is noticed, hides behind the stereotypes of what "a real man" should be. In this article I will try to explain this unspoken sadness that new fathers may go through: its signs, its causes, why it remains so invisible in Turkey, and what both fathers and their partners can do.
What Is Postnatal Depression in Fathers?
When postnatal depression is mentioned, mothers usually come to mind, and that is understandable; the physical and hormonal changes a mother goes through are enormous. In recent years, however, studies have shown ever more clearly that fathers, too, can experience depressive symptoms with the arrival of a baby. In the field this is also referred to by names such as "paternal depression" or "perinatal depression in fathers".
The picture in fathers does not develop in the same way as in mothers. Rather than straight after the birth, it often becomes noticeable gradually over weeks or months. Sometimes it starts during the pregnancy. In families where the mother is going through postnatal depression, the likelihood of the father struggling as well also increases; the two parents are affected by each other's mood. If you are curious about the picture seen in mothers, the article on postnatal depression offers detailed information.
This does not mean that a father does not love his child or is running away from responsibility. It is a difficulty that can be addressed, arising from a combination of a major life change, lack of sleep, financial pressure and emotional load.
What Are the Signs of Postnatal Depression in Fathers?
In men, depression does not always look like sadness and crying. Signs commonly seen in new fathers include:
- Irritability and outbursts of anger: Reacting unexpectedly harshly to the baby crying, to his partner's requests or to small mishaps.
- Burying himself in work: Coming home late, staying for overtime, being busy with work even at weekends. Behaviour that looks like responsibility from the outside is often an escape from home.
- Escape behaviours: Hours on the phone, watching series or gaming; going out with friends more often; an increase in alcohol use.
- Emotional withdrawal: Distance towards his partner and the baby, a "I don't understand these things, you know best" attitude, living in the home like a guest.
- Physical complaints: Headaches and stomach aches, constant tiredness, back pain, changes in appetite.
- Feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy: Thoughts such as "I'll never be a good father" or "I won't be able to support this family".
- Loss of enjoyment: Losing interest in the matches, hobbies and meet-ups he used to love.
- Anxiety: Constant worry about the baby's health, money or the future.
Some of these signs can be confused with the ordinary tiredness of new parenthood. On their own they do not mean a diagnosis. What matters is whether they continue for longer than two weeks and how far they affect the father's work, relationships and daily life. For a wider picture of how depression shows itself in men, you can take a look at the article on depression in men.
Why Do New Fathers Become Depressed?
Chronic lack of sleep
Night feeds, the colic period and broken sleep affect not only the mother but also the father. What is more, because many fathers have to go to work early in the morning, after a sleepless night they start a full working day without any rest at all. Long-term lack of sleep directly makes it harder to regulate emotions.
The pressure of being "the pillar of the family"
When the baby arrives, the household economy changes. The mother being unable to work for a while; nappies, formula and doctor's costs being added; rent or loan payments... At times when the cost of living is keenly felt, many fathers take on the pressure of supporting the household single-handedly. The question "What if it isn't enough?" occupies his mind when he lies down in bed at night.
Feeling left out
In the first months the baby's world revolves largely around the mother. The home is organised around feeding times; visiting elders focus on the mother and the baby. In this period some fathers may feel useless, unnecessary or excluded. The almost complete disappearance of time alone with his partner also deepens the feeling of loneliness.
His partner struggling
Fathers whose partners are going through postnatal depression or intense anxiety carry a double load, trying to support her while also suppressing their own feelings. The thought "I have no right to struggle right now" can lead a father to ignore his own needs completely.
The relationship with his own father coming alive again
Becoming a father leads a man to rethink his relationship with his own father. A man who grew up with a distant, harsh or absent father may carry the fear, "What if I turn out like him?" These wounds left over from childhood can surface unexpectedly during new fatherhood.
Losing the old life and freedom
For a man used to watching football in the evenings before the baby, or going to five-a-side or fishing with friends at weekends, these spaces suddenly shrink. Because saying so out loud can seem selfish, most fathers grieve what they have lost in silence. Yet gaining a new role while losing an old routine contains both joy and sadness; the two can exist at the same time. Failing to recognise this loss brings it back over time as anger and resentment. Fathers who can talk about this with their partner and keep even a small breathing space for themselves adapt more easily to the new routine.
Previous mental health history
Having previously experienced depression or anxiety problems can be a risk factor in new fatherhood. A difficult pregnancy, premature birth, an experience of neonatal intensive care or an unplanned pregnancy also add to the father's load.
"Real Men Don't Cry": The Silence of Fathers in Turkey
In our society men are expected to be strong, composed and "able to cope with anything". After the birth everyone asks the mother, "How are you?"; the father, meanwhile, is told, "Congratulations, now your responsibilities have grown." The father's emotional state is often on no one's agenda; often not even on the father's own.
The father who goes back to work after a short paternity leave also tries not to let anything show at work. If he talks to his friends, he hears, "We've all been there, you'll get used to it." His own father may belong to a generation that never changed a nappy or got up in the night, and may struggle to understand why his son is finding it so hard. Even the close attention of the extended family is mostly gathered around the mother and the baby.
Let's say a father whose first child has just been born has, for the past few months, been snapping at his wife all the time and, when he gets home in the evenings, burying himself straight in his phone. His wife reads this as indifference and is hurt; inside, he feels like a failure and inadequate, but cannot find the words to say so. Both are lonely and both feel misunderstood. In a picture like this, putting a name to the problem often allows understanding to take the place of blame.
What Can New Fathers and Their Partners Do?
For fathers
- Give your feeling a name: Instead of saying "I'm tired" or "I'm irritable", try to look for the feeling underneath: Am I afraid? Do I feel inadequate? Am I being left out?
- Build your own bond with the baby: A bond is not built only through feeding. Bathing the baby, skin-to-skin contact, carrying the baby around in your arms, talking or singing to them create a relationship between father and baby that is all its own.
- Protect sleep by sharing it: Planning the night shifts in turns with your partner can make sure you both get at least a few hours of unbroken sleep.
- Notice escape behaviours: Staring at a screen until late at night or drinking more brings short-term relief, but makes the load bigger.
- Tell one person: Saying the sentence "Actually, I'm really struggling" to a friend, sibling or someone close you trust brings much more relief than you might expect.
- Make money worries concrete: Instead of a vague fear that "it won't be enough", drawing up a realistic budget for a few months together with your partner brings back a sense of control.
For partners and relatives
- Ask the father, too, "How are you?" and really listen to the answer.
- Don't read irritability and withdrawal only as indifference; consider that tiredness and helplessness may lie beneath them.
- Leave room for the father to take part in caring for the baby in his own way. The sentence "Not like that, give it here, I'll do it" can leave the father out without anyone meaning to.
- If possible, create short windows of time when the two of you can be alone together. Asking grandparents for help is valuable at this point.
For suggestions covering the whole process of adjusting to new parenthood, you can also read the article on becoming a new parent.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is important to talk to a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If irritability, listlessness or low mood has continued for longer than two weeks,
- If outbursts of anger have started to become frightening towards your partner or the baby,
- If your alcohol use or screen time has clearly increased,
- If your work performance and relationships have been seriously affected,
- If thoughts such as "I'm a burden to this family" or "They'd be better off without me" are passing through your mind.
The last point is especially important. If you are having thoughts of not wanting to live or of harming yourself, be sure to share this with someone close to you and with a professional. In emergencies, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department without delay. Where it is considered necessary, an assessment by a psychiatrist can also be part of the process.
How Is Postnatal Depression in Fathers Approached in Therapy?
The first task in therapy is to see together that what the father is going through is not "weakness" but a recognisable strain that can be addressed. Many men say these feelings out loud for the first time in the therapy room and notice that even this brings marked relief. Within the framework of cognitive behavioural therapy, work usually focuses on the following areas:
- Recognising and expressing emotions: Noticing the tiredness, fear and feelings of inadequacy beneath anger and irritability.
- Reviewing thoughts: Examining how realistic thoughts such as "I'm failing as a father" or "I have to carry everything myself" are.
- Building a father identity: Clarifying what kind of father he wants to be, as distinct from his own father, and making sense of burdens carried over from the past.
- Daily structure and self-care: Being able to protect sleep, movement and small pockets of enjoyment even during an intense period.
- Changing reward and escape cycles: Developing more helpful ways of coping in place of escapes such as screens, alcohol or burying himself in work.
If the problem has largely spilled over into communication and the division of tasks between the partners, joint sessions can also be helpful.
Being a good father does not require never struggling; noticing that you are struggling and being able to ask for help is part of fatherhood too.
You can read about how depressive symptoms are worked on individually on the depression and mood page. If it is hard to make time for face-to-face sessions between a demanding job and caring for a baby, sessions can also be held online.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should we do if my partner also has postnatal depression?
Both parents struggling at the same time is more common than people think, and the two can feed each other. In this case it is important for both parents to get support. Asking those close to you for concrete help and sharing the load helps the family get through this period more safely.
Does a father's depression affect the baby?
The father's mood can affect the overall atmosphere in the family and the interaction with the baby. But this does not mean the father is to blame. When the father gets support, both he and his relationship with the baby change for the better.
Can this start before the baby is born?
Yes. In some fathers depressive symptoms can begin during the pregnancy, especially in a difficult pregnancy or at times of financial uncertainty. So it makes sense to take the symptoms seriously without waiting for the birth.
Does paternal depression go away on its own?
In some mild cases the symptoms may ease as the baby's sleep pattern settles and the home finds a new balance. But if it is not addressed, it can last for months and leave lasting marks on family relationships. That is why it is healthier to choose to talk rather than to wait.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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