Postpartum Visitors: Coping with Crowds During the First Forty Days

How do postpartum visitors affect a new mother's rest after birth? Practical advice for mothers, partners and visitors on managing the first forty days.

Four days have passed since the birth. Your stitches sting, you got up three times in the night to breastfeed, and you can't remember the last time you brushed your hair. The doorbell rings: aunts, neighbours, the mother of your husband's colleague. In your hands are glasses of lohusa şerbeti (the traditional spiced red drink served to visitors after a birth), your baby is being passed from arm to arm, one voice says "Your milk isn't enough, I think – give him formula", another says "Oh, you haven't lost any weight at all". When the guests leave, the baby is fretful, you are close to tears, and you dread the next ring of the bell. In Turkey, postpartum visitors are part of love, solidarity and tradition; but for a mother who has only just given birth, they are sometimes a burden far beyond her strength. In this article we look at how you can cope with the crowds during the forty days, how your partner and loved ones can take on a protective role in this period, and, if you are the one visiting, how you can genuinely help a new mother.

Why Can Postpartum Visitors Be So Exhausting?

The birth of a baby is a great joy for the family, and everyone wants to share in it. Most visitors mean well: they bring gifts, say prayers and want to help. But for the new mother, the difficulty comes less from individual visits than from how they accumulate and when they happen.

• No time is left to rest: Because a newborn has no sleep pattern, the only time the mother can rest is when the baby sleeps. Every guest who arrives during the day takes away this rare chance to rest.
• The hostess role: In Turkey, hosting guests is a serious responsibility. Even if she is still in bed recovering, the tea may be expected to be brewed, the sherbet handed round and the house kept tidy.
• Privacy: A mother who is still learning to breastfeed may find it hard to do so in a crowded room; she has to leave the room when the baby is hungry, and the longer the visit lasts, the more unsettled the baby becomes.
• Unwanted comments: Remarks about the mother's weight, whether her milk is sufficient, who the baby looks like or how she gave birth can leave deep wounds at such a sensitive time.
• The baby's health: The baby being passed from hand to hand, being kissed, and crowded, enclosed spaces can be a source of worry for a newborn whose immune system is still developing.

The Forty-Day Tradition: A Protective Ritual or a Burden?

In Anatolia, the forty-day tradition is actually meant to protect the new mother and the baby. At the heart of practices such as the mother not leaving the house, not being left alone, not doing heavy work, and the baby not being taken into crowds lies the idea of making room for the mother to recover and for the baby to be protected. Beliefs such as kırk basması or al basması – folk beliefs about harm that can befall a mother and baby in this period – express the fragility of this time in the language of their era.

Interestingly, while the tradition aims to protect the new mother on the one hand, it also encourages visits on the other: going to see the baby, drinking sherbet and pinning gold on the baby are social duties. Those who don't go are frowned upon. So a period set aside for the mother's rest can sometimes become, on the contrary, the busiest time of all.

Some mothers experience the opposite. For women who give birth in a big city far from their families, whose own mother lives in another province or abroad, the forty days may be spent not with crowds but with loneliness. A mother left alone with the baby all day once her partner's leave is over may find herself thinking, "I wish someone would drop by." So postpartum visitors are neither good nor bad in themselves; what matters is how often they come, how long they stay and whether the visit suits the mother's needs on that particular day.

It is possible to keep the protective sides of the tradition while adapting the burdensome ones to the family's own needs. It really is important that the new mother is not left alone; but that does not have to mean the house overflowing every day.

What Does a Mother's Body and Mind Go Through After Birth?

The postnatal period is not only a time of joy but also a major physical and emotional transition. After a vaginal or caesarean birth, a woman's body is trying to heal; bleeding, pain, stitches and breastfeeding difficulties are all experienced at once. Hormonal changes make mood fluctuate.

In the first two weeks after birth, a large proportion of mothers experience a temporary emotional fluctuation known as the "baby blues": crying for no reason, sensitivity, irritability, anxiety. This usually eases by itself within a few days to two weeks. Sleeplessness and crowds can make this period harder.

In some mothers, however, these symptoms last longer than two weeks or intensify. A persistent low mood, a feeling of being unable to bond with the baby, intense anxiety, being unable to sleep even when there is a chance to, and feelings of worthlessness can be signs of postnatal depression. For more detailed information, you can read our article on postnatal depression.

Postpartum visitors can add an extra burden to this picture: the mother feels under pressure to "look happy". While everyone congratulates her on the baby, she cannot voice her own tiredness, fear or sadness. Hiding these feelings deepens the sense of loneliness.

After birth, what a mother needs is not the crowd that comes to see her, but a few people who help her without being seen.

Creating a Routine for Postpartum Visitors

Talk before the birth

If possible, make a plan with your partner about visits before the birth. Will visitors be welcome at the hospital? Who will come in the first week after you get home? What will the visiting hours be? Deciding the answers to these questions in advance means you won't have to make decisions with a tired mind after the birth.

Set visiting hours

A specific time window such as "between four and six in the afternoon" makes things easier for both you and your guests. A short, warm message in the family WhatsApp group can work: "Thank you all for your love. For the first two weeks we'd like to rest and get used to our baby. After that, we'd be delighted to see you on weekday afternoons."

Ask for short visits

How long visits last matters as much as how many there are. A partner or relative who says "Pop in for half an hour, have your sherbet and see the baby" helps guests understand what is expected.

Stop being the hostess

As a new mother, you don't have to be the hostess. Your partner, your mother or a close friend can take over the tea, the sherbet and the refreshments. You can sit in a corner and, when you get tired, go to your room saying, "I'm going to lie down for a bit." This is not rude; it is the natural need of someone who is recovering.

Set boundaries for the baby's health

Rules such as washing hands, not kissing the baby's face and people who are ill postponing their visit are more easily accepted when they are based on your paediatrician's advice. Saying "Our doctor recommended that the baby not be passed around in the first weeks" is not taken as a personal rejection.

Prepare short answers to unwanted comments

You don't have to give long explanations in response to comments about your weight, your milk or how you gave birth. Short sentences such as "We're keeping an eye on it with my doctor" or "We're fine as we are, thank you" are enough to close the subject. If you don't want to respond, changing the subject is also an option.

Turn visits into help

Give clear answers to those who ask, "What shall we bring?": a pot of food, a supermarket shop, taking your older child to the park, a load of washing. Many loved ones genuinely want to help but don't know what to do.

The Role of the Father and Loved Ones: The Guardian at the Door

The partner's role is crucial in this period. Communicating boundaries about the new mother and baby to the outside world should be the task not of the mother, but of her partner or closest supporter. A husband telling his own family, "My wife is very tired – not this week, come next week," is far easier than the daughter-in-law having to absorb a reproach from a mother-in-law or sister-in-law.

What the partner can do:

• Tell the family the visiting hours and length himself
• Take care of refreshments when guests come, notice when his wife is tired and gently bring the visit to an end
• Play an active role in night feeds, nappy changes and settling the baby
• Take his wife's feelings seriously and avoid dismissive sentences such as "Everyone has babies, you'll get used to it"
• Notice his own tiredness and feelings as well

It is worth remembering that fathers can also experience intense stress after a birth, and some develop depressive symptoms. Our article on postnatal depression in fathers can give you an idea.

Let's say a couple holding their first baby never discussed visits before the birth. In the first week after they get home, two or three families arrive every evening; the mother sits with guests until midnight, the baby gets unsettled by the crowd, and there is barely any sleep at night. One morning the mother starts crying quietly at the breakfast table. That day her husband calls two elders of the family and explains the situation briefly and firmly: for the next ten days, only the closest family, and only for short visits. A few reproaches come, but the family is understanding. The mother sleeps for four hours straight for the first time and feels much more herself the next day.

If You're Visiting: A Visit That Genuinely Supports a New Mother

If you are reading this while getting ready to visit a relative who has just given birth, you can keep these small suggestions in mind:

• Always call before you go and ask whether it is a good time
• Keep it short; half an hour to an hour is usually enough
• If you are ill, coughing or have a temperature, postpone the visit
• Ask permission before holding the baby, wash your hands and don't kiss the baby's face
• Avoid commenting on the mother's weight, her milk, how she gave birth or how she cares for the baby
• If you're bringing something, choose ready-made food, fruit or small things the mother will need
• Don't expect to be served; if possible, pour a glass of tea yourself
• As well as telling the mother "The baby is beautiful", ask her, "How are you?"

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

If any of the following applies in the period after birth, it is important to get support from a mental health professional or a psychiatrist:

• Sadness, crying or anxiety lasts longer than two weeks or keeps getting worse
• You feel you can't bond with your baby, or that you feel nothing towards them
• You can't sleep even when the baby is asleep
• You feel worthless, inadequate or very guilty
• You have constant, intense fears that harm will come to the baby
• You want to avoid guests and people altogether

If thoughts of harming yourself or your baby arise, this is an emergency; call 112 (emergency services) without delay or go to your nearest A&E department. Having these thoughts does not mean you are a bad mother; it shows you are going through a period in which you need help.

How Is the Postnatal Period Addressed in Therapy?

Emotional difficulties after birth can be addressed within work on depression and mood. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one of the approaches supported by research as effective for emotional difficulties in the postnatal period. In therapy, thoughts such as "A good mother should always be happy", "It would be shameful if I couldn't host the guests" or "I have to raise my baby on my own" are examined; the aim is for the mother to be able to look at herself in a kinder and more realistic way.

Therapy also works on how to use the support network, how to set boundaries with the rest of the family and how to organise the division of labour with a partner. Where needed, couple sessions help partners get through this period together with less strain. If symptoms are severe, an assessment by a psychiatrist may be recommended; therapy and medical support can be carried out together.

Online sessions can be an accessible option, especially for new mothers, at a time when leaving the house is difficult.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it rude to turn down postpartum visits?

Postponing or limiting visits is an arrangement made for the health of the mother and baby; it is not rude. Postponing in a warm and clear way, while suggesting another date, is met with understanding by most loved ones. Even if there is some reproach, your needs and your baby's come first.

My mother-in-law wants to stay with us after the birth. How should we decide?

First ask yourself whether her presence will truly help you or add to your load. Even if her staying would help, it is important to discuss the length of stay and the division of tasks in advance. Make the decision with your partner and ask him to tell his mother.

Is it harmful to take the baby out before the forty days are up?

This is a medical question, and your paediatrician will give you the most accurate answer. In many cases, short outdoor walks away from crowds can do both baby and mother good. What matters is that you don't feel guilty when choosing between traditional rules and your doctor's advice.

I feel very lonely now that the visits have stopped. Is this normal?

Yes, a sense of loneliness is common when the house goes quiet after a busy period. Meeting other new mothers, building small routines with your partner, or having a loved one call you at regular intervals can help. If this feeling lasts a long time or intensifies, you might consider seeking support.

• #postpartum period
• #after birth
• #family visits
• #new mother

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler