How does pressure to have a son affect women and their daughters? The roots of this expectation from a husband's family, the partner's role and ways to cope.
You walk out of the ultrasound room holding the first image of your baby. The doctor has said, "You're having a girl," and you and your husband are both overjoyed. In the evening you call your mother-in-law. There is a short silence on the other end of the line, then: "Well, may it be for the best, as long as she's healthy... God willing, the next one will be a boy." At that moment your joy cracks somewhere. Perhaps this is your first daughter, perhaps your second or third. Perhaps at every religious festival, every wedding and every condolence visit, someone turns to you and says, "May you have a son too, so your hearth keeps burning." Pressure to have a son is a burden many women in Turkey carry in silence, one that often comes disguised as a "joke" or a "blessing". In this article we look at where this pressure comes from, how it affects women, marriages and the daughters growing up in the same home, and how you can cope with these words.
What Is Pressure to Have a Son? What Lies Behind "May You Have a Boy Too"
Pressure to have a son is when a woman or a couple faces an expectation from family and those around them to have a male child. This pressure does not always come as an open demand. More often it shows itself in forms such as these:
- "Someone needs to carry on the family name"
- "A daughter belongs to another family; she'll marry and leave"
- "If he'd been a boy, he'd have helped his father"
- Lukewarm congratulations when a baby girl is born, and big celebrations when a baby boy arrives
- Special attention shown to a sister-in-law who has a grandson
- Insistence on "trying once more", even suggestions about which month to conceive in so the baby will be a boy
- The woman herself being labelled as someone "who can't give birth to a boy"
Some of these sentences are considered innocent or loving by those who say them. But the message the woman hears is very different: the child you gave birth to isn't enough; and neither are you.
Where Does This Pressure Come From?
Traces of agricultural society and inheritance
In traditional society, a son meant labour in the fields, security in old age, and the continuation of the inheritance and the family name. In an order where daughters went to "another household" when they married while sons stayed with their parents, a son was, in a sense, insurance for old age. Although this order has largely changed, the expectations continue to be passed down from generation to generation.
The mother-in-law's own experience
Some mothers-in-law experienced the same pressure when they themselves were brides. Perhaps they gained standing in the family when they gave birth to a son, and heard reproaches when they had a daughter. This experience can lead them, without realising it, to measure their daughter-in-law by the same yardstick.
"Keeping the hearth burning" and belonging
For some families, a grandson is a symbol of the family's continuity. This expectation can intensify especially if there is only one son in the family, or if all the other children have daughters. The real worry here is often less about a child than a fear of the family's name and identity "disappearing".
A biological misconception
A misconception still common in many circles is that the mother is "responsible" for the baby's gender. In fact, a baby's gender is determined by the chromosome that comes from the father. This fact shows how baseless the comments blaming the woman are; but of course, the problem is not only a lack of information. Even families who know that gender depends on the father may still direct the pressure at the daughter-in-law, because she is the easiest person to voice the expectation to.
How Does Pressure to Have a Son Affect a Woman?
Women living with this pressure often describe the following feelings:
- Inadequacy and guilt: Blaming herself for something outside her control, with the thought "I couldn't give birth to a boy"
- Pregnancy anxiety: In a new pregnancy, the worry "What if it's a girl again?" rather than joy, and tension that grows as ultrasound appointments approach
- Complicated feelings towards her daughter: Mixed feelings that trigger guilt – loving her daughter dearly, yet being seen as "lacking" because of her
- Anger and loneliness: A loneliness that deepens when her husband doesn't protect her or stays silent
- Losing control over her own body: Feeling obliged to go through another pregnancy against her wishes, or to "try once more" even when her health or finances don't allow it
- Difficulties after birth: The family's cold reaction when a baby girl is born can be a burden that may increase the risk of postnatal low mood and depression
This pressure sometimes seeps not only into the relationship but into the woman's belief in her own worth. A thought such as "I failed at my job as a mother" is really the internalisation of a responsibility that never belonged to her in the first place.
A child's gender is not the measure of a mother's worth; the measure is set by the expectation of the person speaking.
When Daughters Hear These Words
The least discussed aspect of pressure to have a son is its effect on the daughters growing up in the same home. Children hear adults' conversations and read their facial expressions even when nothing is said to them directly. A girl who hears sentences such as "If only it had been a boy" or "Three daughters, what a pity" may internalise messages like these:
- I am not the child my family was hoping for
- Being a girl means being worth less
- To be loved, I need to make up for something
Some girls respond to these messages by trying to be exceptionally successful, behaving "like a boy", or constantly striving to win their father's attention. Others withdraw and lose their self-confidence. When a brother is born and attention clearly shifts to him, this wound can deepen. Our article on parents favouring one sibling over another may also give you some insight into the long-term effects of unequal treatment between siblings.
Let's say a mother of two girls hears her elder daughter ask her grandfather at the festival table, "If I'd been a boy, would you take me to football matches too?" That evening she talks with her daughter and learns that the eight-year-old has been holding on to relatives' "May a boy come along too" remarks for months. From that night on, the mother decides to stop brushing these sentences off as "jokes".
Why Is the Partner's Attitude Decisive?
Pressure to have a son often comes from the husband's family, and the husband's attitude largely determines how strong this pressure is. A husband can respond in three different ways:
- The husband who joins in the pressure: A husband who says "My mother's right, it would be good to have a son" deepens the woman's loneliness.
- The husband who stays silent: A husband who brushes the subject off with "Ignore it, that's just how my mum talks" gives the woman the message that she is not protected.
- The husband who stands by the woman: A husband who sets a boundary with his own family, saying "We're very happy with our daughters; this is our decision", considerably reduces the impact of the pressure.
A husband taking a clear stance against pressure from his own family affects not only the tension of the moment for the woman, but also her trust in the marriage. For detailed suggestions on setting boundaries with the extended family, our article on the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship can be a helpful guide.
Some men, however, share this pressure inwardly but don't say so. In that case, it is important for the couple to talk honestly between themselves: does your husband really want a son, or is he carrying his family's expectation? The two call for different conversations.
What Can You Do to Cope with the Pressure?
Clarify your own thinking
Separating other people's expectations from your own wishes is the first step. Do you really want another child? How much of this wish is yours, and how much comes from those around you? Asking yourself and your husband this question at a calm moment clarifies whose decisions you are making.
Agree on a shared sentence with your partner
This subject can come up again at every family gathering. Agreeing with your partner on a short, clear answer to these questions makes things easier: "We're very happy with our children; this is our decision." Repeating this sentence with the same calm each time is more effective than getting into an argument.
Prepare in advance for sensitive moments
These comments often cluster around particular moments: announcing the pregnancy, the ultrasound where the gender is revealed, the birth, relatives coming to see the baby, festival meals. Knowing about these moments in advance stops you being caught off guard. For example, you can decide when and how to share the baby's gender with the family; some couples prefer to keep the news to themselves until the birth. Even a short "who will say what" conversation with your partner before a crowded visit helps.
Stop these conversations in front of your daughters
When the sentence "May a boy come along too" is said in front of your children, you can step in gently but firmly: "Our daughters are everything to us." This sentence is not disrespect towards your elders; it is a stance that protects your child. If needed, you can talk to the elders about it separately later, when the children aren't with you.
Use information as a shield, but don't make it your only defence
The fact that "gender is determined by the chromosome from the father" can be something to fall back on against sentences blaming you. But remember that you don't have to use this information as a defence. The problem is not who is "responsible", but that a child's gender is seen as a measure of worth.
Make your daughters feel valued
The most powerful way to reduce the impact of this pressure on your children is the bond you build with them. Make your daughters' talents, courage and curiosity visible; define them not by their gender but by their personalities. A father spending time with his daughters, watching matches with them and involving them in repair jobs fills the gap created by "if only he'd been a boy" remarks.
Let the decision be yours and your partner's alone
How many children you have, when, and under what conditions is a decision for you and your partner alone. Your health, your financial situation and your psychological readiness should matter far more than the family's expectations.
Widen your support network
Talking with other women who face the same pressure shows you that you are not alone. Sometimes even your own mother, a sister or a friend saying "Your daughters are so lovely" can lighten the load.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
If any of the following applies to you, you might consider talking to a professional:
- You constantly feel inadequate, guilty or worthless
- The thought or process of a new pregnancy is causing intense anxiety
- You have complicated feelings towards your daughter and feel guilty about them
- You and your husband argue about this constantly and cannot find common ground
- Symptoms such as sadness, crying or loss of motivation have lasted for weeks after a pregnancy
- You notice signs in your daughter such as withdrawal, seeing herself as worthless or intense jealousy towards a sibling
How Is This Burden Addressed in Therapy?
Individual therapy offers a safe space to understand the effect of this pressure on a woman and to review her beliefs about her own worth. Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), automatic thoughts such as "I'm lacking because I couldn't give birth to a boy" or "My family will never fully accept me" are examined; which expectations these thoughts are based on, and how realistic they are, are explored together. Skills for setting boundaries and expressing herself at family gatherings are practised.
A schema therapy perspective helps to understand why this pressure affects some women far more deeply. A woman who felt less valued in her own childhood because she was a girl may feel an old wound reopening when she hears the same messages today. Once this connection is recognised, it becomes possible to approach the present situation with a more compassionate eye.
In couple sessions, what the partners really think about this, how they can present a shared stance to the extended family, and how they can make decisions such as how many children to have together are addressed. If clear effects are seen in daughters, play-based work with the child can also accompany the process.
Frequently Asked Questions
My mother-in-law says she wants a grandson at every opportunity. How should I answer her?
A short, calm, repeatable sentence is the most useful response: "We're very happy with our children; this is our decision." Long explanations or arguments lead to the subject being discussed even more. If possible, ask your husband to talk to his mother about it.
My daughter said, "I wish I were a boy." What should I do?
Don't brush the sentence aside; ask with curiosity: "What made you think that?" She will probably tell you about something she heard somewhere or a difference she sensed. Listen to her, take her feelings seriously, and show her how valuable she is as a girl – not only in words, but through everyday attention and time.
My husband secretly wants a boy too but won't say so. How can we talk about it?
Ask without blaming and with curiosity: "Do you really want another child, or are you thinking of your family?" It is important to understand whether this wish is his own or a burden he has taken on from his family. If you find this conversation hard, having it with the support of a professional can make it easier.
We're excluded in the family because we only have daughters. Will this change?
It can change over time; many families move away from this attitude, especially as the children grow up and find their own place in the family through their personalities. Even if it doesn't change, you and your partner standing by your children matters far more to them than the attitude of the rest of the family.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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