What is resistance in therapy, how does it show up in sessions and why does it happen? Learn what hitting the brakes means and how to work with it gently.
The evening before your session, a thought crosses your mind: "Should I cancel tomorrow?" You go to the session, but you hold back the thing you really want to talk about until the last ten minutes, and when you finally raise it, you laugh it off. For three weeks you have been "forgetting" the small exercise your therapist suggested. Then you get angry with yourself: "If I want to change, why do I keep tripping myself up?" In clinical language, this contradictory state is called resistance in therapy. Although it may sound like an accusation, it is a deeply human and often meaningful effort at self-protection. In this article I look at what resistance is, the forms it takes in sessions, why it appears and how it can be worked with.
What Is Resistance in Therapy?
Resistance is the state in which one part of a person wants to change while another part pushes back against change. Almost everyone who comes to therapy carries two voices at once: one that says, "I don't want to live like this any more," and another that says, "The pain I know is better than the uncertainty I don't." The second voice is usually quieter, but it is often more powerful in steering behaviour.
In the psychoanalytic tradition, resistance was defined as a defence against unconscious material coming into awareness. Today many approaches, particularly cognitive behavioural therapy and motivational interviewing, see resistance not as a person's "stubbornness" but as information that needs to be explored. Resistance is a sign of what change puts at risk for that person. For someone with an anxiety disorder, giving up avoidance means giving up control. For someone who has rushed to help everyone else for years, saying "no" means facing the possibility of not being loved.
In short, resistance in therapy does not mean that you "don't want therapy"; it means that a part of you is trying to protect you from a familiar danger. That danger may not be real today, but at one time it was.
How Does Resistance in Therapy Show Up in Sessions?
Resistance rarely arrives with the sentence "I don't want to change." It usually hides behind behaviours that look innocent, even reasonable. The following are common forms. Taken one by one, none of them means resistance on its own, but when they form a pattern they are worth noticing.
- Shifting the agenda: Most of the session is spent describing the week's events, office gossip or your mother-in-law's latest visit, and the real issue never gets its turn.
- Intellectualising: Analysing a feeling instead of feeling it. Saying, "I already know this has to do with my childhood," yet never going near a single memory from that childhood.
- Closing things down with humour: Making a joke the moment a heavy subject comes up, or ending it with a laugh: "Anyway, everyone in our family is a bit like that."
- Neglecting work between sessions: The thought record, the exposure step or the small behavioural experiment keeps being "forgotten", or there is "no time" for it.
- Arriving late, cancelling, leaving early: Especially in the week after a difficult session, the traffic gets heavier, the school bus is late, the child falls ill.
- "I have nothing to talk about today": In weeks when life is calm this may be true, but if it is repeated often at the very time a difficult subject is being approached, it stands out.
- Constantly questioning the therapist or the method: Questions such as "Do these techniques work for everyone?" or "Have you ever been through something like this?" are sometimes legitimate curiosity and sometimes a way of moving away from the subject.
- Declaring a quick recovery: Saying after a few sessions, "Actually I'm fine, I don't think I need this any more," can be a way of closing the door before entering the difficult territory.
Let's say someone working on feeling worthless at work keeps pulling the conversation back to the question of promotion every time you reach a memory of their father comparing them with their sibling. This person is not lying, nor are they consciously choosing to escape. Their mind simply senses in advance the pain that approaching that memory would bring and changes course.
Why Does Resistance in Therapy Happen?
The reasons behind resistance vary from person to person, but some are very common.
Familiar pain feels safer than unfamiliar relief
A problem you have carried for a long time has become part of your life. For someone with social anxiety, not going to invitations brings loneliness, but it also reduces the chance of embarrassment to zero. Change upsets this balance and replaces it with an uncertainty that has not yet been experienced. The mind often chooses the familiar over the uncertain.
The problem has a hidden function
Some symptoms take on an invisible task in a person's life. Being constantly tired partly protects you from your family's endless expectations. Procrastinating is a way of postponing the possibility of failure. When the problem disappears, it becomes unclear how that task will be carried out, and the person steps back without realising it.
Shame and fear of judgement
Resistance gathers most strongly around the subjects that cause the most shame: violence within the family, an addiction, a jealousy or anger never told to anyone for years. Telling the therapist about these means accepting that they are real. The article on self-sabotage looks at a similar mechanism from a different angle.
Early maladaptive schemas enter the therapy room too
From a schema therapy perspective, the core beliefs a person learned in childhood come alive in the therapy relationship as well. A mistrust schema that says, "If I trust people, I will get hurt," makes it hard to open up to the therapist. A subjugation schema that says, "My needs do not matter," can lead a person to try to shape the session around what the therapist would like. In this case resistance is not about the therapist; it is the repetition of an old lesson about relationships.
The responsibilities that recovery brings
Sometimes what is feared is not the problem itself but the new expectations that will appear once the problem is gone. Someone whose depressive symptoms are easing may sense that they will face family pressure along the lines of "If you're better, it's time to find a job." Someone who has brought their panic attacks under control knows that the out-of-town assignments they have avoided for years will now land on their desk. Recovery does not only lighten the load a person carries; it also hands them new roles and decisions. If that load does not yet look bearable, the mind may prefer to slow progress down. Noticing and talking about this fear turns recovery from a single exam that arrives all at once into a process that can be carried step by step.
A mismatch in pace
Sometimes resistance is an indirect way of expressing that the pace of therapy is too much. When a person feels that a subject they are not yet ready for is being approached too early, they may withdraw rather than say so.
The Cultural Forms of Resistance in Turkey
Part of resistance is individual, and part of it relates to the culture we grew up in. For someone raised on sayings such as "What happens at home stays at home," "Everyone has their own troubles," "Real men don't cry" or "What's the big deal, we went through far worse," opening up in front of a therapist can feel like betraying their family. People like this often interrupt themselves in sessions with "But my mother is actually a good woman," softening the difficulty they have just described.
Another common form is seeing coming to therapy as a weakness in itself. The person is physically in the session, but in a corner of their mind sits the thought, "I should have been able to sort this out on my own." This thought can turn into belittling every bit of progress and wanting to end therapy as soon as possible.
Economic conditions come into play too. At times when the rising cost of living is keenly felt, the thought "With this money I could have paid for my child's exam-prep course" keeps the resources set aside for therapy constantly under question. This worry is real and legitimate; even so, it is notable when it starts speaking more loudly in the very weeks a difficult subject is being approached. Telling the difference between a real financial limit and resistance requires talking about it openly.
Resistance is not a wall but a door knocker: it begins to open when you become curious about what is being protected behind it.
How Can You Work With Your Own Resistance?
Noticing resistance is more valuable than trying to get rid of it. You can make progress not by forcing yourself but by approaching it with curiosity.
- Note the pattern. For a few weeks, briefly write down which weeks you want to cancel and which subjects make you change the topic. The pattern often reveals itself in these notes.
- Ask, "What happens if I do this?" When you don't do the exercise, ask yourself, "What would have happened if I had done it? What am I most wary of?" The answer shows what the resistance is protecting.
- Bring the resistance into the session. Saying "This week I was looking for excuses not to come" is one of the most productive sentences you can say in therapy. Coming and talking about it, rather than cancelling, often becomes a turning point in the process.
- Set the pace together. If you are not yet ready for a subject, you can say so. In a good therapeutic relationship, saying "I can't go there just yet" is not a failure but a valuable statement of a boundary.
- Give your hesitant side a voice as well. Instead of trying to silence the part of you that does not want to change, listen to what it is saying. The question "What has this habit given me until now?" stops it from being an enemy.
- Stop judging yourself. Saying "There I go resisting again, I'll never get anywhere" adds a new layer of shame and strengthens the resistance. Simply noticing it is progress in itself.
Resistance or a Genuine Mismatch?
Not every reluctance is resistance. Sometimes a person really is working with the wrong method, with an unsuitable therapist or at the wrong time. A therapist insisting on an approach that does not suit you, pushing your boundaries or dismissing your feedback as "resistance" is not a healthy situation.
The following questions can help you tell the difference: Do you trust your therapist? Is your reluctance concentrated around certain subjects, or does it spread across therapy as a whole? When you voice your discomfort, are you taken seriously? Does anything change after that conversation?
If you feel belittled, judged or unsafe in sessions, that is not resistance but a problem in the relationship. The article on what to do when therapy does not seem to be working can help you make this distinction. If you have not yet started therapy and would like to think through these dilemmas with someone, individual therapy is a space where this kind of ambivalence can be talked about too.
How Is Resistance in Therapy Worked With in Sessions?
An experienced therapist approaches resistance not as an obstacle to be broken but as a message to be understood. There are several ways of doing this.
Naming and normalising it: The therapist can point out the pattern without judgement: "I've noticed that every time we start talking about your mother, the conversation turns back to work. Do you see that too?" An observation like this is an invitation, not an accusation.
Talking openly about ambivalence: In motivational interviewing, the pros and cons of change are explored together. A person's reasons for not changing are not dismissed, because they are usually based on real concerns. This conversation allows the person to hear their own reasons for change in their own voice.
Working within a cognitive behavioural framework: In CBT, an exercise that has not been done is treated not as a failure but as data. The question "What went through your mind when you thought about doing the exercise?" often brings to light the automatic thought that is blocking progress: "Even if I do it, it won't work," or "If I get it wrong, my therapist will be disappointed." These thoughts become material to be worked with at the very heart of the process.
Noticing schemas within the therapy relationship: In schema therapy, the modes that switch on in moments of resistance (for example the detached protector or the punitive parent mode) are recognised together. When a person can say, "I feel myself shutting down and no longer listening to you right now," this awareness becomes something they can use in everyday relationships too.
Rearranging pace and goals: Sometimes resistance shows that the goal is too big or the pace too fast. It may be necessary to break things into smaller steps, to focus first on safety and stability, and to return to heavier subjects later.
The therapist's attitude is decisive in this process. A therapist who does not take resistance as a personal attack, and who stays patient and curious, makes room for the client to choose talking over shutting down.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does showing resistance in therapy mean I should stop therapy?
No. Resistance is often a sign that you are getting close to an important subject. Rather than stopping, bringing this reluctance into the session can open one of the most productive periods of the process. However, if you think your reluctance comes from a lack of safety in the relationship with your therapist, this too should be talked about openly.
Will my therapist notice my resistance, or should I tell them?
Therapists are trained to notice patterns, but they cannot be expected to see everything. Voicing a reluctance you have noticed yourself moves things forward much faster than waiting for your therapist to guess. The sentence "I didn't want to come here today" can be the most valuable start to a session.
Is resistance only seen in individual therapy?
No. In couples therapy, one partner constantly talking about the other in sessions, or in family sessions, the conversation always being pulled towards the child's behaviour, can also be forms of resistance. With teenagers, silence, one-word answers or a "My mum made me come" attitude are common and are approached with patience.
Is it possible to get rid of resistance completely?
Resistance is a natural companion of change, and it is not expected never to appear. The aim is not to eliminate it but to notice and understand it, and not to let it steer your decisions. Over time, as you get to know your resistance, you will catch the moments it appears more easily.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
Eğitimler
