School Disciplinary Action: How to Approach a Teen Who Has Been Sanctioned

What should parents do when their teen faces school disciplinary action? A calm, restorative roadmap from the first phone call through suspension to the return.

Your phone rings at lunchtime. It is the deputy head of your son's school: "Your son and two of his friends edited a photo of a classmate and shared it in the school's student group. The student and their family have made a complaint. The matter is going to the disciplinary board; could you come into school tomorrow morning?" When you hang up, your hands are shaking. Part of you is full of shame and anger; another part protests, "My son would never do something like that." The possibility of school disciplinary action knocks on the door at a moment most parents never expect, and brings difficult questions with it: How should I react to my teenager, how should I talk to the school, what should I do at home? In this article we look at how you can manage this process in a way that allows the young person both to take responsibility and to recover without feeling worthless.

What Is School Disciplinary Action and When Is It Taken?

The rules students are expected to follow at school, and the sanctions to be applied if these rules are broken, are set out in the relevant regulations of Turkey's Ministry of National Education. In high schools, depending on the seriousness of the behaviour, these sanctions can range from a formal reprimand to short-term suspension from school, a transfer to another school and even heavier measures. At middle-school level, the process is run more within the framework of educational and corrective measures.

Behaviours that may lead to disciplinary proceedings include fighting and physical aggression, bullying and cyberbullying, damaging school property, cheating, unauthorised absence, disrespect towards teachers or staff, smoking or substance use, and sharing private information about the school or other people without permission.

In this process the student has the right to defend themselves, and the family is informed. There are also ways of appealing against the board's decision. Because which sanction can be applied to which behaviour, how time limits work and the conditions for appeal can change over time, you need to get the details from the school management and the current regulations. The focus of this article is not the legal procedure but how the young person and the family can be supported psychologically during this process.

When That Call Comes: The First Twenty-Four Hours

The first reactions after a phone call from school set the atmosphere for the days that follow.

Calm yourself first. Shame, anger, fear and the question "Where did I go wrong?" can all arrive at once. Pausing for a few minutes before reaching the young person, taking a deep breath or speaking briefly with your partner helps make your first sentence more measured.

Listen to the young person's account. There may be differences between what the school tells you and what the young person tells you. Before reaching a verdict, ask them what happened: "The school called; there's been an incident involving you. I want to hear it from you first." This sentence invites them to talk without pushing them onto the defensive.

Neither defend nor condemn. Neither the reflex "My child would never do such a thing" nor the reaction "You're always like this" works. The first stops the young person seeing their own part; the second pushes them to lie to defend themselves.

Build a shared language between parents. If the mother approaches the young person softly and the father harshly, or the other way round, the young person ends up talking about the difference between the parents rather than the heart of the incident. Both parents agreeing with each other, even briefly, before talking to the young person keeps the message consistent. In separated families too, this cooperation matters so that the young person does not have to take sides between two homes.

Go to the school meeting prepared. As you go to the meeting, remember that your aim is not to rescue your child or fight with the school, but to understand what happened and to make sure the young person learns something from this process. Take notes if necessary and ask about anything you don't understand.

Accompany the young person through the defence process. If the young person is going to give a written or verbal statement to the board, think it through with them rather than writing it yourself. Expressing in their own words what happened, their own part in it and what they will do from now on is the first step in taking responsibility.

What Lies Behind the Young Person's Behaviour?

The behaviour that leads to disciplinary action is very often just the tip of the iceberg. Looking at it without condoning it, but trying to understand it, is the most effective way to prevent it happening again.

• Peer pressure and the wish to belong to the group: Many incidents happen when a young person does in a group something they would never do on their own. "Everyone was laughing, so I shared it too" is a sentence often heard in adolescence.
• Impulsivity: In the adolescent brain, the balance between reward-seeking and the capacity to put on the brakes is not yet fully established. The consequences of a split-second decision may not have been considered at all in that moment.
• Anger and built-up tension: A young person who gets into a fight at school may actually be reacting to teasing that has gone on for weeks, or to tension at home. You can also take a look at our article on teenagers who fight at school for what happens after a fight.
• Hitting back at bullying: Sometimes the young person who is sanctioned is the one who has been bullied for a long time and finally exploded. Be sure to ask about this possibility.
• The need to be seen: A young person who feels they are failing in lessons may try to carve out a place as the class "joker" or "daredevil".
• An underlying difficulty: Attention difficulties, depression, anxiety or substance use can also show themselves through behavioural problems.

Let's say your sixteen-year-old daughter was sanctioned for pushing a friend in the school canteen. When you talk, she tells you that this friend has been spreading rumours about her for weeks and that nothing changed even though she told the teachers. This information does not justify the push; but it changes both the content of the meeting with the school and the tone of the conversation at home. For more information about bullying, you can read our article on peer bullying.

What Should You Do at Home After School Disciplinary Action?

When the school has already applied a sanction, giving a second heavy punishment at home often does not have the intended effect. The young person feels cornered, and their anger is directed not at their behaviour but at you. What needs to be focused on at home is not punishing but repairing and learning.

Restorative Steps

• Thinking about the person who was harmed: The question "How might your classmate have felt when that photo was shared?" helps the young person look at the incident not only from their own point of view but from the other person's too.
• Apology and making amends: Where appropriate and if the other side also wants it, a sincere apology made with the school's knowledge, or a concrete act of making amends such as repairing a damaged item, lets the young person take responsibility through action rather than words.
• A plan for next time: Thinking together about the question "If people in the group want to share something like that again, what could you do?" turns the incident into a learning experience.

If you want to apply a sanction at home, it is important that it is connected to the incident, proportionate and time-limited. For example, if the incident happened on social media, setting a limit on phone use for a set period may make sense; but you need to talk openly about why the limit has been set and when it will be lifted. Our article on punishing teenagers offers a more detailed look at how punishments affect young people.

How Should Suspension Days Be Spent?

Some young people may experience short-term suspension from school as an extra holiday. These days should be turned neither into a reward nor into a prison sentence. Getting up at the usual time in the morning, keeping up with the lessons being missed at school, taking on responsibilities at home and limiting screen time help to give the days structure. This time is also an opportunity to talk calmly about the incident. For working parents, the young person being home alone all day can be a separate source of worry; in this case, staying in touch through a few short phone calls during the day, listing together in the morning what needs to be done, or getting support from an older family member if possible can help. The aim is not to monitor every minute of the young person's day but to stop these days being scattered and meaningless.

Disciplinary action is the consequence of a behaviour; it is not a verdict on who the young person is.

Working with the School and the Young Person's Return

When the disciplinary process ends, the really important period begins: the young person's return to school. During this period they may be wary of how both teachers and classmates look at them. The thought "Now I've got a mark against me" can push them either to withdraw or to adopt the attitude "If that's how they see me, I may as well act like it."

The incident being discussed in parents' messaging groups can make this period harder. Especially in small towns, or in school circles where everyone knows everyone, the name of a young person who has faced school disciplinary action can spread quickly. Rather than trying to answer these conversations, staying quiet and, if necessary, asking the school management to protect the student's privacy is more appropriate. Remember: the more calmly you carry the incident, the more easily the young person can carry it too.

To reduce this risk:

• Talk to the guidance counsellor. The school guidance service is an important source of support for easing the young person's return and spotting possible new problems early.
• Support the idea of a fresh start. Not constantly bringing up the incident in front of the young person, not telling relatives about it and not asking "Did you do anything today?" every time they come home from school gives them room to start again.
• Notice positive behaviour. Seeing and naming the small positive steps the young person takes after the sanction helps break the negative story about themselves.
• Keep in regular but measured contact with the school. Phoning teachers every day gives the young person the message that they are not trusted; having no contact at all can mean new problems go unnoticed. Short conversations every few weeks keep the balance.

If the young person thinks the disciplinary process was unfair, it is also important to listen and, if necessary, look together at the formal routes of appeal. Appealing shows the young person that they can stand up for their rights while still respecting the rules.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

A single disciplinary incident can usually be got through with cooperation between the family and the school. However, seeking support from a professional can be helpful in the following situations:

• Disciplinary incidents keep recurring and are becoming more serious
• The young person frequently gets into fights and clearly struggles to control their anger
• The behaviour is accompanied by other signs such as substance use, coming home late or a risky circle of friends
• Withdrawal, not wanting to go to school, intense shame or hopelessness are seen after the sanction
• The young person says they are being bullied or are thinking of harming themselves; if they talk about harming themselves or ending their life, call 112 (emergency services) without delay

These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis. But they suggest there may be a deeper difficulty behind the behaviour that needs to be addressed.

How Are Behavioural Problems Addressed in Therapy?

The first aim in therapy is to understand the process that led the young person to the disciplinary incident: What happened beforehand, what did they think and feel in that moment, and what did they go through afterwards? Many young people start to see their own behaviour more clearly in this setting, where they can tell their story without being judged, often for the first time.

In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, the links between triggering situations, automatic thoughts and reactions are examined together. To head off impulsive reactions, work is done on skills such as stopping and thinking, anger management, being able to say "no" to peer pressure, and problem-solving. The young person's negative beliefs about themselves, such as "I'm just a problem kid anyway", are also addressed, because these beliefs can increase the chances of the behaviour being repeated.

In sessions with the family, the balance between rules, limits and sanctions at home and the young person's emotional needs is reviewed. Where needed, cooperation with the school guidance service can ensure the young person is supported in the school setting too. For more information about work with adolescents, you can visit the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will disciplinary action affect my child's future?

This is the first worry for many parents. How a sanction is reflected in school records and its effect on later processes can vary depending on the type of sanction; the most accurate information on this comes from the school management. From a psychological point of view, what really matters is not so much the sanction itself as what the young person learns from the experience and how they are supported afterwards.

I think the school's sanction is unfair. Should I say so in front of my teenager?

It is possible that you disagree with the school's decision, and you can raise this through formal channels. But using language that belittles the school or teachers in front of the young person can make it harder for them to see their own part. A balanced attitude such as "I don't agree with some aspects of this decision and we're going to appeal; but we also need to talk about what you did" is healthier.

Should I tell their siblings and relatives what happened?

It may be necessary to give siblings living at home a short explanation that is suitable for their age and protects the young person's privacy. Telling relatives or other people the details, however, increases the young person's shame and makes it harder for the incident to be put behind them. Asking the young person's view on this too lets them feel respected.

• #disciplinary board
• #suspension
• #teens and school
• #parenting approach

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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