Scolding a child in front of others can leave shame and anger behind. Learn calm ways to hold limits when visiting relatives, at the supermarket or with guests.
Tea is being served in your mother-in-law's sitting room. Your five-year-old son is running about, bumps into the coffee table, and one of the glasses tips over onto the carpet. You feel everyone in the room looking at you, and your voice rises before you can stop it: "How many times have I told you? You've disgraced us!" Your son goes red, his eyes fill with tears, and he hides behind the sofa. Perhaps a few seconds later you regret it; but in that moment no other way seems possible. Scolding a child in front of others is something many parents in Turkey do almost by reflex, driven by the worry known as "elalem ne der", meaning "what will people say". In this article we talk about where this reflex comes from, what the child goes through in that moment, and how you can hold the limit without shaming your child when visiting, at the supermarket or at the school gate.
The Fear of What People Will Say: Who Is the Scolding Really For?
A good part of the scolding done in front of others is in fact a message aimed not at the child but at the onlookers. The parent is silently trying to say: "I don't approve of this behaviour, I am bringing my child up properly, don't find fault with me."
There are several reasons why this worry is strong in Turkey:
- A collectivist culture: The child is seen as an extension of the family. The child's behaviour is taken as the "mirror" of the parents, and even of the whole family.
- An observing crowd: Extended family visits, religious holidays, close-knit apartment neighbours and frequent visiting create a life in which a child is almost always in someone's sight.
- The habit of commenting: Remarks such as "You can't get this child to listen to anything" or "Was it like this in our day?" put considerable pressure on parents.
- The parent's own shame: Many adults were scolded in front of others as children and came to see this as normal. When a child "misbehaves", an old shame stirs inside the parent too.
At this point it can help to ask yourself: "Am I trying to teach my child something right now, or am I trying to protect my standing in other people's eyes?" Often the two are intertwined, and simply noticing this softens the reaction.
Why Is Scolding a Child in Front of Others So Hurtful?
There is an important difference between correcting a child and scolding them in front of other people. Correction is directed at the behaviour; scolding in front of an audience exposes the child themselves.
It teaches shame, not guilt
Guilt is the feeling "I did something bad", and it usually brings a wish to make amends: apologising, tidying up, putting things right. Shame is the feeling "I am bad", and it pushes the child to hide, to shrink, or to fight back in anger. Because scolding in front of others focuses on the person more than the behaviour, it feeds shame.
Learning stops in that moment
When shame and fear intensify, the child's mind focuses not on learning but on protecting itself. The message inside the scolding ("We don't run in the sitting room") is not heard; all that remains is a flushed face, a pounding heart and the memory "Everyone looked at me."
It shakes trust in the relationship
In a hard moment, a child wants to see their parent as a refuge. When the parent becomes their harshest critic in these moments, the child may learn to hide rather than come to them when they make a mistake.
It can increase anxiety about social settings
Children who are often scolded when visiting, at family gatherings or in front of classmates may become reluctant to go to social settings, freeze in crowds, or behave in an excessively "good" and controlled way.
A child scolded in front of a crowd learns not to correct their behaviour, but to make themselves invisible.
What the Child Goes Through in That Moment: Reactions by Age
A child's age also shapes how they react to being scolded.
In the preschool years a child usually cries, clings to the parent's leg or, on the contrary, behaves even more wildly. At this age self-control is still developing. Crowds, noise and too much stimulation further tire an already strained nervous system. Scolding is then added on top of that load.
In the primary school years a child is far more sensitive to social judgement. Being scolded in front of cousins, friends or a teacher is a serious experience of humiliation. Some children later begin avoiding that setting, saying "I'm never going to my aunt's again."
In adolescence being criticised in front of others is usually met with anger. The teenager may answer back sharply, slam the door and leave, or fall completely silent. At this stage, being humiliated in front of peers can leave a hurt in the relationship that goes unspoken for a long time.
Whatever the age, shame is also lived in the body. A reddening face, eyes dropping to the floor, slumped shoulders, and sometimes a meaningless giggle or freezing on the spot can be seen. Parents often read this giggle as "not caring" or "making fun", and the scolding becomes harsher. Yet in many children this reaction is a sign of trying to cope with unbearable shame. Knowing this distinction can help you soften your reaction in the moment.
What Can You Do Instead of Scolding a Child in Front of Others?
This does not mean you should turn a blind eye to everything your child does. Limits are necessary; what needs to change is how and where the limit is set.
1. Make things safe first, then talk
If the child is doing something that could harm themselves or others, stop them physically first: hold their hand, say "Stop" in a calm voice, move the dangerous object away. Leave long explanations for later.
2. Take them aside and lower your voice
If possible, take the child briefly into another room, onto the balcony or into the hallway. Get down to their eye level and keep it short: "When you ran in the sitting room, the glass tipped over. In here we walk. Now let's get a cloth and wipe it up together." Even moving a few steps away from the crowd helps both you and the child calm down.
3. Describe the behaviour, don't label the child
Expressions such as "Shameless", "Rude" or "You've disgraced us" are aimed at the child's identity. Sentences like "You banged on the table, and that is bothering the people eating" deal only with the behaviour and show what needs to change.
4. Give them a chance to make amends
Show the child the next step: wiping up the spilt water, apologising to their sibling for the broken toy, rebuilding the game they spoiled. Making amends nurtures a sense of responsibility instead of shame. You can find detailed examples of using instructive consequences instead of punishment in our article on positive discipline.
5. Save the longer talk for home
The real conversation can take place once everyone has gone and both you and the child have calmed down. A chat such as "You were very excited at Grandma's today. Next time, if you want to run, we could go out into the garden. What do you think?" shows the child both that they are understood and what they can do next time.
6. Prepare in advance
Many difficult moments are predictable. Before going on a visit, make a short plan with your child: Where can they play, what shouldn't they touch, what can they do if they get bored? Taking a colouring book or a small toy with you helps on long visits. For suggestions specific to behaviour when visiting, you can also look at our article on misbehaviour when visiting.
7. Identify your own signs for calming down
The body often signals rising anger first: the jaw tightens, the voice sharpens, the face grows hot. When you notice these signs, give yourself a few seconds. Taking a sip of water, standing up and walking to the window, or saying to yourself "Breath first, then words" can change the tone of the sentence about to leave your mouth. It is also a powerful model for your child: seeing you say you are angry and take time to calm down shows them a way of coping with feelings.
8. Agree on a shared approach with your partner
In crowded settings, when one parent scolds while the other says "Leave it, he's just a child", it puts both the child and the adults on edge. A short agreement before the visit helps: "If there's a problem, who will deal with it, where will we take the child, when will we leave?" Ending a visit early on an evening when the child is very tired is not a failure but a good parenting decision.
Putting these steps into practice may feel slow and laborious at first. Scolding a child in front of others takes a few seconds, while taking them aside and talking calmly takes a few minutes. But those few minutes are an investment that prevents the same behaviour repeating for weeks and strengthens the child's bond with you.
When Grandparents or Strangers Step In
Sometimes the scolding comes not from you but from another adult in the room. Grandad says "You should be a bit tougher with this child", a neighbour comments "If it were me, I'd give him a smack", the cashier at the supermarket shakes her head. In these moments, feeling under pressure and becoming harsher with your child is a very understandable reaction.
Instead, you can take charge of the situation with a short, polite sentence: "Thank you, I'm dealing with it." This sentence both draws a boundary for the adult and shows your child that you are handling the situation and protecting them.
If grandparents frequently scold your child in front of you, a calm conversation while the child is not around may be needed: "If there's something we need to correct him about, I'd like you to tell me and I'll talk to him." This conversation is often better received when your partner has it with their own family.
Is Repair Possible After Scolding?
Every parent loses their patience from time to time. What matters is being able to repair the relationship afterwards. When you get home and are alone with your child, you might say: "Today I shouted at you in front of everyone. That must have embarrassed you. I was cross that the glass tipped over, but it wasn't right for me to shout at you like that. I'm sorry."
A parent apologising does not weaken their authority; on the contrary, it teaches the child what taking responsibility looks like. The child also receives the message: "When I make a mistake, the world doesn't collapse; the relationship can be repaired."
If other children were in the room during the incident (siblings or cousins), they witnessed what happened too. You can give a short, honest answer to a sibling's comment such as "You got really angry with my brother": "Yes, I raised my voice a lot. I've talked to your brother and said sorry." In this way the children who witnessed it also learn that repair, not harshness, is normal in the family. Not allowing the scolded child to become the butt of jokes among siblings afterwards is also part of the repair.
Be compassionate with yourself too. When crowds, tiredness and criticism come together, adults also find it harder to regulate their feelings. Noticing your triggers (for example, being more tense at a particular relative's house) makes it easier to prepare for next time.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In the following situations, support from a child psychologist or specialist can be helpful:
- If your child constantly refuses to go visiting, to school or to crowded places, and shows intense anxiety in these settings
- If they often say things like "I'm a bad child" or "Everyone hates me"
- If behaviour problems increase markedly in crowded settings and do not change despite your efforts
- If you find it hard to control your anger and notice that you frequently shout at your child in front of others
These signs do not on their own mean there is a disorder; but they may show that both the child and the parent need support.
How Are Shame and Parental Reactions Addressed in Therapy?
In sessions with parents, we look at the thoughts that make anger rise in crowded settings. Thoughts such as "Everyone is judging me" or "If I can't quieten my child, I'm a bad mother" are identified through the cognitive behavioural approach and weighed against more balanced perspectives. Concrete plans and sentences for difficult moments are prepared together.
On the child's side, the burden created by shame and social anxiety is addressed. Young children often express these feelings through play; in child-centred play therapy, the child finds a setting where they can express themselves without being judged. You can find more information on the child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
If I never correct my child, won't they do whatever they like when visiting?
Correcting and scolding are different things. A short, calm correction aimed at the behaviour is necessary and teaches the child the limit. What is best avoided is labelling the child in front of everyone, humiliating them and giving long lectures.
What should I do when my child lies on the supermarket floor crying?
First make sure they are safe and, if possible, take them to a quieter corner. Instead of long explanations, stay with them using short sentences: "You're really angry, I'm here." Talking once the meltdown has passed is far more effective than scolding in the moment.
What should I do if my child speaks rudely to me in front of others?
Set a calm but clear limit: "I don't accept you speaking to me like that; we'll talk later." Then deal with it when you are alone together. With teenagers in particular, not getting into an argument in front of their peers prevents the tension from escalating.
Doesn't apologising after scolding spoil a child?
No. An apology does not mean the behaviour was acceptable; it concerns the way you reacted. The limit still stands; the child is simply shown how to take responsibility after making a mistake.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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