Why does self-confidence abroad get shaken? Practical psychological advice on rebuilding confidence through language, work, social life and belonging.
In Turkey you were someone who was respected at work, listened to among friends and able to express yourself with ease. After arriving in a new country, you noticed that you hesitate to ask the cashier something at the supermarket, stay quiet in meetings, and feel your heart race before a phone call. Or perhaps you were born and raised abroad but have always felt that you never "fully" belonged anywhere. Loss of self-confidence abroad is one of the least talked about but most commonly experienced parts of migration. In this article we look at why self-confidence can be shaken in a foreign country, how it relates to a sense of belonging, and the concrete steps you can take to rebuild trust in yourself.
Why Is Self-Confidence Shaken Abroad?
Self-confidence is a person's belief in their own abilities, their worth and their capacity to cope with difficulties. This belief does not form in a vacuum; it is fed by the feedback we receive from those around us, by experiences of success and by being recognised within a community. Migration changes many of these sources of nourishment all at once.
Temporary loss of competence. Things you did easily in Turkey, such as applying to a government office, explaining your complaint to a doctor or joking with your neighbour, take effort in a new country. Even though this is temporary, a person can start to feel "incompetent".
Language. Language is not only a means of communication; it is part of personality. You may be witty, clever and impressive in your mother tongue, but speaking in simpler sentences in a second language can create the feeling that "the real me isn't visible". We discuss this separately in our article on the language barrier and self-confidence.
Professional status. Having your diploma not recognised, your work experience overlooked or having to start a step lower in your career can shake a person's professional identity. Experiences such as working in a different job when you are an engineer, or becoming a student again when you are a teacher, can affect your sense of self-worth.
Invisibility or excessive visibility. Some people feel invisible abroad: nobody knows their name, nobody recognises them. Others, on the contrary, constantly stand out as "foreign". Having your name, accent or appearance questioned can make a person feel they must constantly explain themselves.
Loss of the social support network. In Turkey you had family and friends who accepted you as you are. Rebuilding that circle abroad takes time. During this period the "mirror" that feeds your self-confidence may be missing.
Experiences of discrimination. Being exposed to discrimination or prejudice can lead a person to question their own worth. We discuss the effects of these experiences on mental health in our article on racism and mental health.
Signs of Lost Self-Confidence Abroad
Loss of self-confidence is not always noticed as "I don't trust myself". Most of the time it shows itself quietly in everyday behaviour:
- Avoiding phone calls, official errands or meeting new people
- Constantly putting off voicing your opinion in meetings
- Staying away from trying new things for fear of making mistakes
- Often comparing yourself with others, especially with locals or with migrants who seem to have "adjusted better"
- Finding it hard to accept compliments and putting successes down to luck
- A tendency to hide or belittle your origins
- The thought "I will never be good enough here"
- Struggling with self-critical thoughts after social situations
- Seeing only Turkish people and withdrawing completely from other settings, or, on the contrary, distancing yourself entirely from Turkish circles
Some of these signs are a natural part of the adjustment process and fade over time. But if they continue for a long time and narrow your life, working on them can be helpful.
The Link Between Belonging and Self-Confidence
Belonging is the feeling of being part of a place, a community or a group. People behave more comfortably, more courageously and with more confidence where they feel they belong. Abroad, the sense of belonging is often complicated.
For the first generation, belonging is usually directed towards Turkey; yet as the years pass, one can feel estranged in Turkey too. The feeling "I am a foreigner here, and now I am a foreigner there too" is common.
For the second and third generations, belonging is even more layered. Even if you were born in the country where you live, meeting the question "Where are you originally from?", while in Turkey being called "Almancı" (a label for Turks from Germany) or something similar, can make your belonging questioned from both directions.
Newcomers, especially educated young professionals and students, often tie their belonging not to a place but to their career or circle of friends. But a shake-up in the career or friends moving away can weaken that belonging quickly.
Belonging is built not with a country's passport but with relationships in which you can show yourself as you are.
Belonging does not have to be tied to a single place. Over time, many people develop "multiple belonging": being both Turkish and part of the city they live in; celebrating the religious holidays and also joining local festivals. This multiple belonging can be a strong foundation for self-confidence.
The Effect of Lost Self-Confidence on Family and Relationships
A person whose self-confidence has been shaken often carries this into their relationships. Between partners, feelings of jealousy, resentment or dependence can develop towards the partner who is getting through the adjustment process faster. For example, while the partner who knows the language better and works takes over all the official matters, the other partner may feel useless. Over time this imbalance can create tension in the relationship.
For parents, children learning the language and culture of the new country faster can shake the parents' authority and confidence. A child stepping into the role of interpreter can strengthen the parent's feeling of "I have come to depend on my child".
Children, in turn, learn by watching their parents' confidence. If a parent constantly belittles themselves, hides their origins or withdraws anxiously in every new situation, the child may adopt similar patterns.
Imagine a woman who worked as a manager in banking in Turkey and moved abroad because of her husband's job. She attends language classes but is very afraid of making mistakes when speaking. She sends her husband to school meetings and does not go beyond greetings with the neighbours. Over time she begins to feel like "a shadow of who she used to be". This picture does not show that her abilities have vanished; it shows that her sense of competence has not yet been rebuilt in a new context. Her skills are still there; what has changed is the settings in which she can show them and the story she tells about herself. As she gathers new experiences of success through small steps, that story can change too.
What You Can Do to Rebuild Self-Confidence Abroad
1. Make small successes visible. Note down the small things you do every day that challenge you: "Today I explained my problem to the pharmacist myself", "I asked a question in the meeting". Self-confidence grows not through big leaps but through small, repeated experiences of success.
2. Try what you avoid, step by step. Make a list starting with the situation that causes the least anxiety. For example, first ordering at a café, then making a phone call, then voicing an idea in a meeting. Repeat each step several times before moving on to the next.
3. Notice how you talk to yourself. Saying "I am speaking in a new language and that takes courage" instead of "How stupid I sounded" makes the same situation feel very different. Try to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in the same situation.
4. Remember your strengths. Migrating is in itself an act of courage and adaptability. Building a life in a new country, learning a new language and coping with the unknown are proof of the strengths you have. Writing these strengths down as a list can help you in hard moments.
5. Find a meaningful pursuit. If you cannot work in your profession right away, voluntary work, courses, community projects or a hobby can feed your sense of competence again.
6. Draw nourishment from both worlds. While keeping your ties with the Turkish community, try to build small connections in the local community too. A sports club, a course or a neighbourhood event can be a good start.
7. Limit comparison. Comparing yourself with people on social media who appear to have "adjusted perfectly" can weaken self-confidence. Everyone's migration story moves at a different pace.
8. See your origins as a resource. Knowing two languages and two cultures is not a deficit but a richness. You can treat this as a strength in job interviews, in social relationships and in your own inner world.
9. Look after your body. Sleep, movement and regular meals directly affect the mind's capacity to cope with difficulties. A tired mind criticises itself more easily.
A simple thought record exercise
To catch the thoughts that weaken self-confidence, you can keep a short record for a week. Whenever a difficult moment occurs, answer these four questions:
- Situation: What happened? (For example: "I mispronounced a word during a presentation at work.")
- Thought: What went through my mind? ("Everyone thought I was incompetent.")
- Feeling: What did I feel and how intense was it? ("Shame, eight out of ten.")
- Alternative view: What supports this thought and what does not? ("Nobody said anything, a colleague asked a question after the presentation, so they were listening. Mispronouncing one word does not make the whole presentation worthless.")
If you keep this record for a few weeks, you may notice that in similar situations your mind always leans in the same direction, towards choosing the most negative interpretation. Noticing this is the first step towards change.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is natural for self-confidence to fluctuate for a while during adjustment. However, professional support may be helpful in the following situations:
- If avoidance behaviours are clearly narrowing your life (not applying for jobs, not leaving the house, withdrawing completely from social relationships)
- If you experience intense anxiety, palpitations, sweating or freezing in social settings
- If self-critical thoughts occupy your mind almost every day
- If low mood, hopelessness and lack of motivation have lasted for more than two weeks
- If self-confidence problems are negatively affecting your relationships and family life
If you experience intense anxiety in social settings, this may be related to social anxiety; however, these symptoms alone do not amount to a diagnosis. An assessment should be made by a professional.
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or are in crisis, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency service; in cases of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are essential.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
In work on self-confidence, being able to express yourself as you are matters. For someone who struggles particularly with language, speaking a second language in therapy as well can increase the feeling of "I can't express myself well enough". Working in your mother tongue can help you describe your feelings and thoughts in the finest detail. For more information, see our page for Turks living abroad.
In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the following areas can be addressed:
- Negative automatic thoughts: Noticing thoughts such as "Everyone laughs at my accent" or "I can never succeed here" and evaluating them against the evidence
- Core beliefs: Examining deeper beliefs such as "I am inadequate" or "I have to be perfect to be accepted" in the light of childhood and migration experiences
- Graded exposure: Facing avoided situations step by step and in a planned way
- Self-compassion: Softening the self-critical voice and normalising difficulties
- Identity and belonging: Being able to see multiple belonging as wholeness rather than conflict
For online sessions, a quiet room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. A time that suits the time difference can be arranged, and payment can be made online. To claim insurance reimbursement, you need to check the conditions in the country where you live. You can find information about how sessions work on the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does lost self-confidence abroad go away on its own over time?
For many people, self-confidence slowly recovers as language skills improve and a social circle forms. However, if avoidance behaviours have become established, confidence can fall even further the more a person stays away from situations that challenge them. In that case, taking deliberate steps or getting support can speed up the process.
I am ashamed of my accent. What can I do?
An accent is a sign that you know more than one language. Being understood is far more important than speaking without an accent. Working on the shame you feel about your accent can increase your courage to speak.
Should I spend more time with the Turkish community or the local community?
There is no single right answer. Drawing nourishment from both is usually the most balanced path. The Turkish community offers familiarity and ease, while the local community offers opportunities for adjustment and new experiences.
What is the difference between self-confidence and arrogance?
Self-confidence is seeing yourself as valuable while also being able to see others as valuable. Arrogance often involves looking down on others to cover up insecurity. Healthy self-confidence also includes accepting that you can make mistakes and being open to learning.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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