What does a teen growing up with a sibling with special needs feel? We explore young people caught between love, jealousy, guilt and responsibility.
A young person who does homework in the back seat of the car on the way to their sibling's therapy sessions, who does not know what to say when friends at school ask "Why does your brother talk like that?", who notices their mother's exhaustion and gives up on talking about their own troubles... Growing up with a sibling with special needs holds both a deep love and complex feelings that often go unspoken. Having a sibling with autism, an intellectual disability, cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, hearing or sight loss, or a long-term health condition can affect a young person's place in the family, their responsibilities and how they see themselves. These young people are often described as "quiet siblings", because while the family's attention understandably turns towards the other child, their needs can easily be overlooked. In this article we look at the inner world of teenagers who have a sibling with special needs, the feelings they commonly experience, and how families can make room for these young people.
What Is It Like Growing Up With a Sibling With Special Needs?
Every family and every sibling relationship is unique. However, research and clinical experience show that young people who grow up with a sibling with special needs can develop both strengths and particular difficulties.
Strengths that are often mentioned include:
- Greater understanding and acceptance of differences
- A sense of empathy and compassion that is more developed than their peers'
- The ability to take responsibility and solve problems
- An early maturity about what matters in life
- A special, deep bond with their sibling
Difficulties, on the other hand, usually remain invisible:
- A large share of the family's time and energy going to the sibling
- A tendency to see their own needs and problems as "unimportant"
- Caring responsibilities that are not suited to their age
- Looks and questions from others and, at times, exclusion
- Worry about taking on their sibling's care in the future
The coexistence of these two sides makes the young person's emotional world very rich, but also just as complex.
What Does a Teenager With a Sibling With Special Needs Feel?
These young people's feelings are often contradictory. Within the same day it is possible to love their sibling deeply and feel overwhelmed by them, to want to protect them and to feel embarrassed by them. This contradiction can lead the young person to think, "If I feel like this, I must be a bad person."
Jealousy: A mother or father constantly attending to the sibling can make the young person feel pushed into second place. But the young person hesitates to express this jealousy, because they know their sibling already has a hard life.
Guilt: They may feel guilty for being healthy themselves, for being able to do things their sibling cannot, or for feeling anger towards them. Some young people cannot fully enjoy even their own achievements.
Embarrassment: Adolescence is a period in which how one looks in the eyes of peers matters a great deal. The sibling's different behaviour in public, people's stares or friends' questions can make the young person feel embarrassed. They may then also feel guilty about this embarrassment.
Anger: Holidays cancelled because of the sibling, friends who cannot be invited home, or study time that keeps being interrupted can create anger. This anger is often suppressed or redirected towards other issues.
Loneliness: They may feel that no one could understand what they are going through. Their friends cannot fully grasp their home life, and they do not want to be a burden to their family.
Excessive responsibility and perfectionism: Some young people try to be the "problem-free child" so as not to add to the difficulties the family is already facing. They never complain, always try to succeed and hide their own troubles. Even if everything looks fine from the outside, this young person may be carrying a heavy load inside.
Let's say a sixteen-year-old boy has a younger brother with autism. He does well at school, and his teachers find him very mature. At home he helps with his brother's routines and shares his mother's tasks. But one day he tells the school counsellor something he has not told anyone for a long time: "Sometimes I wish my brother were normal, and then I hate myself for thinking it." This sentence reflects the silent conflict many siblings carry inside. Our article on signs of autism offers further information about the signs of autism and their effect on family life.
Growing Up Early: Siblings Who Become Parents
Young people who have a sibling with special needs often take on more responsibility than would be expected for their age. Helping with their sibling's care, picking them up from school, running the house while the parents are at hospital or being their mother's emotional support can become an ordinary part of these young people's lives.
A certain amount of responsibility contributes to a young person's development. But when this responsibility is not suited to their age, gets in the way of their own developmental tasks or is expected of them without being asked, it can turn into a situation known as "parentification". These young people:
- May not be able to give enough time to their own friendships, hobbies and rest
- May find it hard to feel and express their own needs
- May, later in life, keep taking on the role of caregiver in their relationships
- May experience burnout and chronic tiredness
In families in Turkey where extended family ties are strong, expectations such as "A big sister or big brother looks after their sibling" can add even more to this load. For more on the idea of parentification, you can read our article on the parentified teenager.
Worry About the Future: "Who Will Look After My Sibling After Mum and Dad?"
Adolescence is a period when people begin to think about the future. For young people who have a sibling with special needs, thinking about the future includes their sibling's future as well as their own plans.
Questions such as "If I go to university in another city, what will happen to my sibling?", "Will the person I marry accept my sibling?" and "When Mum and Dad get older, will the responsibility for care fall to me?" can quietly occupy the young person's mind. Because of this worry, some young people start to consider giving up their own dreams and choosing a career or city close to the family.
The rising cost of living and difficulties in accessing care services can also feed this worry. When a young person notices their family's financial struggles, they may think that in future this whole burden will fall on them. This thought can also quietly influence their own education and career decisions.
Not talking about these questions openly within the family makes the young person's worry grow. When parents openly share their plans for the future, the possible support options and the fact that the young person has the right to live their own life, this burden can be considerably lightened.
How Can Families Make Room for a Teenager With a Sibling With Special Needs?
Parents of a child with special needs often cope with a heavy caring load, financial difficulties and emotional exhaustion. Under these conditions, being unable to give enough time to the other child is entirely understandable. But small, regular steps can make a big difference to the young person feeling seen.
Set aside one-to-one time
Even once a week, a period of time set aside only for that young person helps them feel valued. Going out for breakfast together, watching a film or going for a walk can be enough. What matters is that this time is not interrupted by the sibling's needs.
Allow all of their feelings
Tell the young person clearly that they may feel anger, jealousy or embarrassment towards their sibling and that this does not make them a bad person. A sentence such as "It's completely understandable that you sometimes feel overwhelmed by your brother" can lighten the guilt they carry.
Explain the sibling's condition in an age-appropriate way
The young person should understand their sibling's diagnosis, needs and what might be expected in the future. A lack of information increases anxiety and mistaken beliefs. Answering the young person's questions honestly shows that you see them as part of the family. If appropriate, you can also invite them to one of the sibling's meetings with a doctor or teacher.
Balance responsibilities
The young person helping their sibling can be valuable; but make sure this help is voluntary, limited and suited to their age. Try as far as possible to share the caring load among adults, the extended family and formal support services.
Support them in living their own life
Treat the young person's friendships, hobbies, school activities and plans for the future as just as important as the sibling's needs. Make room for them to express a wish to study in another city without feeling guilty.
Think together about what to tell friends
Talking in advance about what to say when questions come up at school or in response to stares in public helps the young person feel more prepared. A short, clear explanation ("My brother has autism; sometimes he finds noise and crowds hard to cope with") is enough in most situations.
Create more moments the siblings enjoy together
When the sibling relationship is built only around care and responsibility, the young person may start to see their sibling as a burden. Yet shared enjoyable moments, such as listening to music together, spending time in the park, playing a game together or doing a simple craft, nurture the bond between them. In these moments it is important that the young person can simply be a "sibling" rather than a "carer". In crowded settings such as bayram (religious holiday) visits or family gatherings, care should be taken that the sibling's needs are not left solely to the young person, and that they too can spend time with people their own age.
Give them the chance to meet young people like them
Some associations and organisations run get-togethers or workshops for the siblings of children with special needs. Meeting other young people who share the same experience can noticeably reduce feelings of loneliness.
A teenager who has a sibling with special needs does not have to be the family's "problem-free child". They too have the right to be seen, to be listened to, and to struggle at times.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Growing up with a sibling with special needs makes it natural to experience difficult feelings from time to time. However, in the following situations it can be helpful to get support from a professional:
- If the young person has seemed unhappy, withdrawn or constantly tense for a long time
- If they feel intense, uncontrollable anger towards their sibling or the family
- If they are pulling away from friends, school or activities they love
- If they show signs of burnout under an excessive load of responsibility
- If there are marked changes in sleep, appetite or school performance
- If they often express feelings of worthlessness, guilt or hopelessness
If the young person talks about thoughts of harming themselves or ending their life, take it seriously; if there is immediate risk, call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Our article on the sibling of a child who is ill may also offer guidance on the effect a sibling's long-term illness has on the family.
How Is a Teenager With a Sibling With Special Needs Supported in Therapy?
In adolescent counselling, these young people are first offered a safe space where they can express their own feelings without being judged. Many young people are able to voice the complex feelings they have towards their sibling for the first time in this setting.
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, thoughts such as "If I'm angry with my sibling, I'm a bad person", "My problems don't matter" and "I must never upset my family" are identified, and more balanced perspectives are developed. Skills in emotion regulation, setting limits and expressing their own needs are practised.
From a schema-focused perspective, some young people may develop early patterns known as "self-sacrifice" or "emotional inhibition". These patterns can lead the young person to keep pushing their own needs into the background later in life as well. In therapy, the work focuses on becoming aware of these patterns and developing more balanced ways of relating.
In sessions with parents, ways of sharing the family's load, balancing attention between siblings and how the young person's worries about the future can be discussed are addressed. The parents' own exhaustion and grief can also be an important part of these sessions.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does a teenager with a sibling with special needs never complain?
Some young people hide their own problems and try to be the "problem-free child", thinking that the family is already going through a hard time. This silence may not mean that everything is fine; it is important to be gently curious about the young person's inner world.
Is it right for a teenager to provide care for their sibling?
Help that is age-appropriate, voluntary and limited can contribute to a young person's development. But caring responsibility should not reach a level that gets in the way of their school, friendships and rest; the main load should be shared among adults and support services.
What should I say to a teenager who says they are embarrassed by their sibling?
Tell them that embarrassment is a common and understandable feeling in adolescence and does not make them a bad sibling. It then helps to talk about the situations in which they struggle and to think together about solutions for those moments.
Should we talk with our teenager about worries regarding their sibling's future?
Yes, talking about it in an age-appropriate way usually reduces worry. When parents openly share their plans for the future, possible support options and the fact that the young person has the right to build their own life, it lightens the load the young person carries in silence.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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