Spoiled Child: Is a Child Who Gets Everything They Want Really Happy?

Does your spoiled child get everything by crying for it? What spoiling really is, why it develops, and how to restore balance without giving any less love.

As you walk past the toy shop, your seven-year-old daughter spots a doll in the window. "Can we get it?" she asks, and you say "Not today." Within seconds the question turns into insisting; the insisting into crying; and the crying into sitting down on the pavement. Passers-by stare. In the end you think, "I'll buy it this time and we'll talk later," and you buy the doll. Back home, within two days the doll has been tossed into a corner of the wardrobe and a new request has begun. That evening, on the phone to your mother, you hear the famous sentence: "That girl has become very spoiled." The phrase spoiled child both blames the parent and labels the child. But behind it lies a real question: is a child who gets everything they want truly happy? In this article we look at what spoiling corresponds to in psychological terms, how it develops, and how you can restore balance without reducing your love in the slightest.

Who Do We Call a Spoiled Child? The Behaviours Behind the Label

"Spoiled" is not a diagnosis; there is no concept by this name in psychology. What people usually mean by the word in everyday language is a set of behaviours:

• Intense crying, shouting or an outburst of anger when what they want does not happen immediately
• Refusing to accept "no" and insisting until the parent gives in
• Quickly losing interest in a toy or present they have been given, and constantly asking for a new one
• Finding it hard to share and wait their turn
• Avoiding small responsibilities at home (tidying toys, helping at the table)
• Taking what is done for them for granted, and finding it hard to say thank you

Each of these behaviours is an ordinary part of development at certain ages. It is to be expected that a two- or three-year-old wants what they want right now and struggles to wait. The problem is when, as the child gets older, these behaviours increase instead of decreasing, and the child has not learned to cope with disappointment.

So it is more useful to set the "spoiled" label aside and look at the real issue: the child has not sufficiently learned to cope with the uncomfortable feeling that arises when they do not get what they want.

Is a Child Who Gets Everything They Want Really Happy?

The implicit thought in many parents' minds is: "I want my child to be happy and not to go without anything." Yet a childhood in which every wish is met at once can, in the long run, increase not the child's happiness but their fragility.

Frustration tolerance does not develop. In life, not everything goes the way we want. Not being elected class representative, losing a match, not being invited to a friend's birthday party... A child who has not experienced small disappointments at home, in a loving environment, is shaken much more when they meet these situations outside, without support.

The sense of satisfaction fades. In an environment where new things keep coming, nothing keeps its value. A child moves on to a new toy without experiencing the joy of the last one. Wanting becomes more exciting than having; but what they have is never satisfying enough. This can turn into a cycle.

The link between effort and outcome weakens. Waiting, saving and putting in effort to get something increase its value. If everything arrives through crying or asking, a child may find it hard to learn the meaning of effort.

Relationships become harder. A child who gets everything they want at home may expect the same treatment among friends. Peers, however, do not behave like parents. A child who doesn't share, doesn't wait their turn, and always wants their own rules in a game may, over time, find it hard to make friends.

One of the gifts we can give a child is not everything they want, but the knowledge that they can be all right even when they don't get what they want.

Why Does Spoiling Develop? The Cycle Parents Unknowingly Create

Spoiling is not a trait a child is born with; it is a pattern of interaction learned at home. Behind this interaction there is usually love, anxiety and guilt.

Parental guilt

Parents who work full-time and leave their child at nursery or with a grandmother may try to make up for the time they cannot spend together with things. The toy in the hand of a father who comes home in the evening is like an apology for his absence during the day. Something similar is seen after divorce; parents may loosen limits to make up for the pain the child is going through.

"I didn't have it, so they should"

Parents who experienced deprivation in their own childhood, who longed for a toy for years, may try to meet every wish so that their child never feels the same. This is an entirely understandable feeling, but the child's present need and the parent's past wound can become mixed up.

Not being able to bear crying

A child's crying stirs up strong discomfort in a parent. Especially in a crowded place, at the supermarket or when visiting, this discomfort combines with embarrassment. The quickest way to end the crying is to give in to the request. But each time the child learns the same lesson: "If I cry, it works."

An only child or a long-awaited child

Children born after a long wait, or who are the family's only child, can find all of the family's attention and resources focused on them. This does not always lead to spoiling, but it can make setting limits harder. You can find more on this in our article on the psychology of the only child.

Grandparents and "grandchild love"

In Turkey, many children grow up in a very close relationship with their grandparents. The saying "A grandchild is something else" is not said for nothing; grandparents may choose to set no limits at all for grandchildren that they would have set for their own children. When the parents say "No chocolate today", the chocolate that appears from Grandad's pocket teaches the child that a parent's word can be changed.

Inconsistency between parents

A father saying "yes" to something the mother has said "no" to, or the other way round, teaches the child which door to knock on. Over time the child turns to the parent from whom they can get what they want, and tension between the parents also grows.

The Difference Between a Spoiled Child and a Happy Child: Love and Limits Together

An important misunderstanding needs correcting here: the cause of spoiling is not "too much love". It is not possible to love a child too much, hug them too much or spend too much time with them. What leads to spoiling is love being put in place of limits.

A healthy parenting approach holds warmth and limits together. That is, the parent accepts the child, understands their feelings and shows their love; but at the same time sets clear and consistent rules. A child can hold the knowledge "Mum loves me very much and sometimes says no" at the same time. In fact, having these two pieces of knowledge together is what gives a child the greatest sense of security.

In practice, this can become a sentence like: "I can see you really like that doll. It makes complete sense that you'd want it. We're not buying it today. We can put it on your birthday list."

It is also worth remembering this: many children labelled as a spoiled child actually have a strong will, clear wishes and intense feelings. When guided well, these qualities can turn into determination and the ability to express themselves. Stubbornness and spoiling are also often confused; stubbornness usually comes from a child's need for autonomy, whereas what we call spoiling is more the result of an interaction cycle learned at home. For this distinction, you can also take a look at our article on the stubborn child. Focusing on behaviour rather than the label makes both you and your child more open to change; because a child constantly referred to as "spoiled" can, over time, put this adjective on as if it were part of their identity.

Practical Steps to Restore Balance

Teach the difference between wants and needs

Talk with your child about the difference between a "need" and a "want". A winter coat is a need; a third toy car in the shop window is a want. You can practise this distinction while shopping at the supermarket by turning it into a game: "Is the thing we're putting in the basket a need or a want?"

Build the ability to wait step by step

Instead of meeting every wish straight away, move it into the future. Creating a "wish list" can work: when your child asks for something, you write it on the list, and at birthday time or when the school report comes you look at the list together. You will often find that your child has already forgotten many of the things written on it. This shows them that wanting is temporary while real need lasts.

Bring effort and contribution into daily life

Giving a child age-appropriate jobs at home lets them experience both a sense of responsibility and the pleasure of contributing. Tasks such as helping to lay the table, putting clothes in the laundry basket or watering the plants help a child feel they are "part of the household".

Stay consistent in the face of crying and insisting

Once you have said "no" and your decision is reasonable, don't back down in the face of crying or insisting. In the first few attempts your child's reaction may grow, because they will try the method that used to work even harder. When consistency continues, however, the frequency and intensity of insisting decrease. We look in detail at how to say "no" without feeling guilty in our article on saying no to your child.

Show love in ways other than things

Time spent together, play, hugs, reading a bedtime story, a walk together... These give a child a security that no toy can. For working parents, fifteen minutes of uninterrupted play in the evening can be far more meaningful than a present brought home.

Build a shared language with grandparents

When talking with grandparents, acknowledge their love and effort, but try to agree on a few basic rules. Concrete requests such as "It's lovely that you want to buy presents, but let's make it once a month" or "Will you back us up when we say no?" are more effective than general warnings.

Model saying thank you and sharing

Children learn most from what they see. Thanking each other at home, sharing food with a neighbour, and doing something together for someone in need teach a child the value of giving and gratitude better than explaining it in words.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Consistent changes in a parent's approach usually show their effect within a few months. Even so, it may be helpful to get support from a specialist in the following situations:

• If the outbursts of anger when a wish is not met are very frequent, very long, or much more intense than expected for their age
• If your child also has serious difficulty following rules at school and their friendships are affected
• If there are ongoing, unresolved conflicts within the family about raising the child, between the parents or between parents and grandparents
• If, as a parent, you feel intense guilt, anxiety or helplessness when you try to set limits and cannot cope with these feelings
• If your child's behaviour became more pronounced after a difficult life event such as divorce, loss or moving house

These situations do not on their own mean a problem or a diagnosis; but outside support can make it easier to restore the balance within the family.

How Are Limits and Frustration Tolerance Worked On in Therapy?

In situations like these, a significant part of the work is done with the parents. In parent sessions, the situations at home in which limits loosen, and what the parents feel and think at those moments, are explored. Thoughts such as "If I say no, they won't love me" or "If my child is unhappy because of me, I'll never forgive myself" are noticed using a cognitive behavioural approach and reconsidered from a more realistic perspective.

A parent's experiences from their own childhood can also be part of this process. A parent who grew up in deprivation, or who comes from a background where limits were set very harshly, can swing to the opposite extreme with their own child. Understanding the effect of early experiences on today's parenting attitudes helps develop a more balanced approach.

In work with the child, play is an important tool. Child-centred play therapy also has consistent limits: in the playroom a child can say and feel anything, but cannot do everything. Within these safe limits, a child learns by experience to feel the emotion that arises when a wish is not met, and to cope with it. You can find details of this approach on our child and play therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will a baby be spoiled by being picked up too much?

No. In infancy, responding to crying, picking the baby up and comforting them are necessary for the baby to develop a secure attachment. Meeting a baby's needs during this period does not spoil them; on the contrary, it helps them trust the world. Setting limits becomes important as the child grows and reaches an age at which they can learn to wait.

Will a spoiled child grow out of it on their own?

Some behaviours may decrease with age; but the ability to cope with disappointment does not develop on its own; it is learned through experience. Consistent changes in a parent's approach help a child acquire this skill. No age is too late for this.

Their grandfather brings a toy every time he visits. Should I stop this?

A grandfather's wish to bond with his grandchild is valuable, and stopping it completely could damage the relationship. Instead, you could suggest making the present more meaningful: bringing presents on special occasions rather than every visit, or offering experiences such as going to the park together or reading a book instead of a toy.

Is it a problem if they get lots of presents on their birthday?

Getting presents on special days such as a birthday is natural. But when many presents arrive at once, a child may not be able to enjoy any of them. Putting some of the presents away and bringing them out one by one over the following weeks both helps your child notice the value of each one and slows the pace of consumption.

• #spoiling
• #setting limits
• #frustration tolerance
• #parental guilt
• #grandparents

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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