When Your Child Misbehaves When Visiting: Preparing for Visits and Staying Calm

Does your child misbehave when visiting, touching things and not listening? The reasons, preparing before a visit and staying calm without embarrassment.

You have gone to congratulate your neighbour on their new home. Before the tea has even arrived, your five-year-old has opened the glass display cabinet and is picking up the porcelain cups one by one. The more you say "Don't touch!", the more they climb on the sofas and chase after the host's cat. The host smiles and says, "Children will be children", but you can feel your face going red. On the drive home you either shout in anger or think quietly to yourself, "I'm never taking them anywhere again." The embarrassment felt when a child misbehaves when visiting is something many parents share. The good news is that most behaviour during visits has understandable causes, and with a little preparation these visits can go much more comfortably for both your child and you. In this article we look at why children behave differently when visiting, what can be done before a visit, how to respond during it and when it is worth looking more closely.

Why Does a Child Misbehave When Visiting but Not at Home?

It can surprise parents when a child who plays calmly at home turns into almost a different child in someone else's home. Yet behind this difference there are usually the following factors:

• The appeal of a new setting: Another home is a world waiting to be explored. Different toys, shiny ornaments, closed doors and drawers stir a child's curiosity. For a child, touching is a natural way of learning.
• Unclear rules: At home they know what is forbidden and what is allowed; in another home the rules are unclear. Caught between the host saying "It's fine, let them play" and the parent saying "Don't touch", the child begins to test the limit themselves.
• The need for attention: During visits the adults become absorbed in conversation with one another. A child who feels they have lost their parent's attention discovers that misbehaving is the quickest way to win it back. Even negative attention is better than none at all.
• Boredom: Adult conversation, long periods of sitting and nothing to hold the child's interest create restlessness. A child who cannot find somewhere to use up their energy shows it by running, jumping or playing with objects.
• Tiredness and hunger: Visits that coincide with nap time, drag on or disrupt mealtimes reduce a child's capacity to regulate themselves.
• Crowds and sensory overload: Being in a noisy setting among many unfamiliar faces can put some children into an overstimulated state. This often looks like over-excitement.

None of these factors shows that the child is "naughty". Most of the time we are looking at age-appropriate curiosity, an unmet need or a self-control skill that is still developing.

The Parent's Embarrassment: An Invisible Burden

A child's behaviour during a visit challenges a parent in two ways: on the one hand managing the child, and on the other coping with the worry of "what will other people think". In Turkey a child's behaviour is often seen as a measure of the family's upbringing. Comments such as "Her mother never says a word" or "Nobody has ever set this child any limits" echo in a parent's mind even when they are not said aloud.

Under this pressure, parents often slide towards one of two extremes:

• Excessive harshness: Scolding loudly in front of everyone, pulling the child by the arm or making threats. This reaction may ease the embarrassment of the moment, but it makes the child more unsettled and often increases the behaviour.
• Not intervening at all: Ignoring it with the thought "I don't want to get angry in front of other people". In this case the child learns that there are no limits, and the host is left in a difficult position.

Between these two extremes, it is possible to find a calm but consistent path. The first step is noticing your own feelings. The embarrassment you feel in that moment often has more to do with other people's eyes than with your child's behaviour. Saying to yourself, "I feel embarrassed right now, but my priority is to help my child", can soften your reaction. Remember that most of the parents in the room have lived through similar moments with their own children. For more information on the effects of scolding a child in front of others, you can take a look at the article on scolding a child in front of others.

When managing your child during a visit, the aim is not to look good to the host; it is to teach your child, calmly and consistently, how to behave in another setting.

Preparation Before a Visit

How a visit goes is largely determined by the preparation done before you leave the house.

Explain the visit in advance

"Today we're going to Aunt Ayşe's house. We'll sit there for about an hour. Aunt Ayşe has some lovely ornaments, and they can break. We'll only look at them with our eyes." This short explanation lets the child know what they will encounter.

Set a few clear rules

A young child will not remember lots of rules. Two or three simple rules are enough: "We ask before we touch things", "We walk inside the house", "We don't open closed doors." Expressing rules in positive language, that is by saying what needs to be done, is more effective.

Rehearse at home

Young children learn rules not by listening but by trying them out. Playing a "visiting game" at home with their toys works well: one teddy is the host and another is the guest. The guest teddy asks permission before touching things, drinks their tea and says thank you. Then swap roles and let your child be the host. Experiencing how it feels when their own toys are touched without permission also helps a child understand the host's point of view.

Pack an activity bag

To prevent boredom, prepare a small bag: a colouring book, a few pencils, small toys, a puzzle or a sticker book. Making this a "special" bag that is only opened on visits keeps the child's interest alive for longer.

Choose the timing well

Take care not to schedule the visit at your child's nap time or mealtime. A child who is fed and rested finds it much easier to regulate themselves. Bearing in mind that there may be no child-friendly food at the home you are visiting, taking a small snack with you also helps.

Keep the length realistic

Expecting a young child to sit quietly for hours is not realistic. For a preschool child, visits of an hour or two are usually enough. On long visits, stepping out onto the balcony with your child now and then, or going for a short walk, helps them let off steam.

Talk to the host beforehand

If there are valuable breakable items in the home you are visiting, asking the host to put them away temporarily, or asking whether there is a corner where your child can play, makes things easier for everyone.

If a Child Misbehaves When Visiting, What Can You Do During the Visit?

However good the preparation, difficult moments can arise during a visit. In these moments the following approaches can help:

• Stay close. Rather than trying to manage your child with your voice from the other side of the room, go over to them. Getting down to eye level and speaking in a calm voice is far more effective than shouting.
• Redirect first, then warn. When your child heads for the display cabinet, instead of saying "Don't touch", draw their attention elsewhere by saying "Come on, let's get your puzzle out of your bag."
• Remind them of the rule briefly and calmly. Saying "Remember, we ask before we touch things" is more effective than a long lecture.
• Notice positive behaviour. When your child plays calmly for a while, acknowledge it: "What a lovely picture you're drawing, you're sitting so nicely here." This lets the child learn that they can win attention through positive behaviour too.
• Leave the room for a short while if needed. If your child is overstimulated or has gone into a crying fit, quietly take them to another room or onto the balcony. A calm break of a few minutes lets both your child and you regroup.
• Decide on consequences in advance and be consistent. If you have said "If you keep running, we'll have to go home" and the behaviour continues, follow through. Threatening and not following through sends the message that the rules do not matter. But make sure the consequence is realistic and something you can carry out.
• Support the host's rules. Even if the host says "Let them play", if there is a limit that matters to you, you can gently hold it: "That's very kind of you, but this is our rule."

Imagine a six-year-old jumping on a bed with a cousin at a relative's home and not stopping despite warnings. The parent goes over and says in a calm voice: "Jumping on the bed isn't allowed in this house. Either you get down and carry on playing on the floor, or you come with me to the living room. Which do you choose?" Offering a choice gives the child a sense of control while also keeping the limit in place.

Some children, however, may show intense anger when they are taken out of the setting. The suggestions in the article on temper tantrums in children can offer guidance for coping with this.

What Should You Do After Getting Home?

After the visit is an important moment when learning is reinforced. However, this conversation should not turn into a telling-off the moment you walk through the door.

• Calm down first. Both you and your child may be tired. Have the conversation at a calm time, for example before bed.
• Talk about the moments that went well too. Positive feedback such as "You thanked your aunt so nicely, I really liked that" helps your child understand what they did right.
• Address the difficult moments without blame. Questions such as "I think you found it hard in front of the display cabinet. Those things really caught your interest. What could we do next time?" make your child part of the solution.
• Make a plan for the next visit. A plan agreed together helps your child go to the next visit better prepared.
• Send the host a short thank-you. If something was broken or the host had a difficult time, a short message of thanks or apology the next day protects the relationship. If your child is old enough, apologising for a broken item with a picture they have drawn themselves also teaches what making amends means.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Misbehaviour during visits can usually be explained by age, temperament and circumstances. In some cases, however, it may be helpful to look more closely:

• If your child is constantly on the move and clearly struggles to sustain attention not only during visits but also at school, at home and in other settings
• If they have noticeably more difficulty following rules than their peers
• If outbursts of anger are frequent, intense and long-lasting
• If the family has begun to withdraw from social settings altogether because of the behaviour
• If your child shows behaviour that could harm others or themselves
• If they react excessively in crowded, noisy settings and show a marked sensitivity to sensory input

If difficulties with attention and activity are seen consistently across different settings, it may be useful to learn about the signs of ADHD. However, these signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; an assessment must always be carried out by a professional.

How Are Behavioural Difficulties Addressed in Therapy?

When working with children who struggle in social settings, the first step is to understand in which situations, how often and in response to which needs the behaviour appears. With young children, child and play therapy is an important tool. Through play, children learn to recognise their emotions, regulate their impulses and cope with limits.

Work with parents is also of great importance in this process. Parent training based on the cognitive behavioural approach focuses on skills such as noticing positive behaviour, setting clear rules and applying consistent consequences. During this process, a parent also has the chance to address the shame and anger they feel when their child misbehaves when visiting. The aim is not to silence the child, but to support them in being able to regulate themselves in different settings.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do if the host says something to my child?

It is natural for a host to set rules in their own home. In this case, support the host and calmly repeat the rule to your child. If the tone is harsh enough to hurt your child, you can gently step in and manage the situation yourself.

Is it right to give a child a tablet during a visit?

Short, planned use can be a solution, especially on long visits. However, turning the tablet into the tool you reach for every time your child is bored can weaken their ability to find other activities and take part in the social setting.

My child gets much more over-excited when with other children. Is that normal?

Yes. When children come together with their peers, their excitement and energy rise. In this case, creating a separate play area for the children and checking on them at regular intervals stops the excitement from getting out of hand.

Is never taking them visiting the answer?

Although it may seem a relief in the short term, it reduces your child's opportunities to learn social skills. Instead, it is more beneficial to start with short, planned visits that suit your child's interests and to lengthen them gradually.

• #visiting
• #child behaviour
• #parenting
• #setting limits

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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