When a Child Refuses to Kiss Elders' Hands: Teaching Respect Without Force

Does your child refuse to kiss elders' hands at Bayram? Ways to understand a child who won't greet relatives and to teach respect and warmth without force.

It is the morning of Bayram (the religious holiday), and the door of grandmother's home opens. Inside sit uncles, aunts and relatives who have not been seen for years. The mother gently nudges her four-year-old son forward: "Go on, kiss grandad's hand." The child, however, hides behind his mother's leg and shakes his head. Every eye in the room is on them. Someone says, "Was it like this in our day?" and someone else laughs. The mother is caught between embarrassment and anger. This scene is a familiar moment that many families in Turkey experience at Bayram. When a child refuses to kiss elders' hands, parents often worry: "Am I raising a disrespectful child?" Yet what usually lies behind this behaviour is not disrespect but shyness, unfamiliarity, feeling overwhelmed by the crowd or discomfort with physical contact. In this article we look at ways of understanding a child who will not kiss hands or greet people, and at teaching respect and warmth without force.

A Child Refuses to Kiss Elders' Hands: What Lies Behind It?

Kissing the hand (and then touching it to the forehead) is an important expression of respect and affection for elders in Turkish culture. For a child, though, this gesture does not carry the same meaning it carries for adults. A child's refusal to kiss hands may be due to the following reasons:

• Shyness and temperament: Some children are born with a more cautious temperament. They take time to warm up to new settings and people. For these children, walking into a crowded room and performing a gesture in front of everyone is tiring.
• Unfamiliarity: Relatives seen once or twice a year are, in fact, people the child does not know. Adults saying "This is your great-uncle" does not automatically create a feeling of closeness in the child.
• Discomfort with physical contact: Some children do not like contact such as being hugged, kissed or having their cheeks pinched. A stranger's hand touching their lips, or a bearded cheek rubbing against their face, can genuinely be unpleasant for a child.
• Crowds and noise: During Bayram visits the house is full, the television is on and everyone talks at once. Children who are sensitive to sensory input can easily become overwhelmed in this setting.
• The pressure of being watched: Having every eye on them makes it even harder for a child to act. The more they are pressed, the more their resistance may grow.
• Developmental stage: Children between two and four are at a stage of discovering their sense of autonomy. Saying "no" is a natural way of asserting themselves as an individual at this stage.

A similar picture is seen in children who will not greet people. A child who does not say "hello" to a neighbour on the stairs of the block of flats, or who runs off to their room without looking at a visitor, usually behaves this way not because they are rude but because they do not know what to say in that moment, or do not like being the centre of attention.

None of these reasons means the child does not value their elders. The same child may climb onto grandad's lap of their own accord by the end of the visit.

Why Doesn't Forcing Work?

Under pressure from those around them, parents often feel they have to force the child. Sentences such as "Don't embarrass me", "If you don't kiss it, no pocket money" or "Look, everyone's watching you" are said to get past the tension of the moment. However, this approach can have some unwanted consequences:

• Respect becomes mixed with fear. A hand kissed under compulsion can become, for the child, a symbol not of respect but of obligation. In this case the child associates hand-kissing not with affection but with tension.
• Resistance grows. Every situation that turns into a power struggle makes the next Bayram even harder. The child may start to feel anxious even before the visit.
• The child feels shame. Being criticised in front of everyone can damage a child's sense of self-worth. Comparisons in particular, such as "Shame on you, look, your cousin is kissing hands", lead the child to feel inadequate.
• Body boundaries become blurred. Giving a child the message "You must accept contact even if you don't want to" can make it harder for them to recognise their own bodily boundaries. A child being able to say "no" to physical contact is an important part of the skill of protecting themselves.

Respect develops not by making a child bow their head, but by gently teaching them how to show affection to their elders, and by showing respect to them first.

Preparing Your Child Before a Bayram Visit

The most effective way to prevent crises at the door on Bayram morning is preparation that begins a few days beforehand.

Explain whose home you are going to

"Tomorrow we're going to granny's house. Grandad, your uncle and your cousins will be there." If possible, remind them who people are using photos. The more familiar people seem, the easier it is for the child to warm up. Making a short connection with relatives through video calls before Bayram can also help.

Talk about the meaning of Bayram in your child's language

"At Bayram we visit our elders and show them that we love them. Some people kiss their hands, some hug them and some say 'Happy Bayram'." This explanation shows that kissing hands is an expression of affection and that it is not the only option.

Offer choices

Suggest different ways of greeting to your child: kissing hands, shaking hands, hugging, waving, or saying "Happy Bayram". You can rehearse these at home like a game. Acting out a teddy bear visiting grandad shows the child concretely what to expect.

Plan a space where they can unwind

Think about whether the home you are visiting has a quiet corner or room the child can go to when overwhelmed. Taking along a small favourite toy or a colouring book helps the child feel safe.

Keep the visiting schedule realistic

Calling at five or six homes from morning till evening on the first day of Bayram tires even adults. Expecting a child who is sleepy, hungry or has been in and out of crowded homes one after another to greet everyone cheerfully at every door is not realistic. Spreading visits over several days and leaving time in between for the child to rest and play can noticeably reduce resistance at the door.

If a Child Refuses to Kiss Elders' Hands, What Should You Do During the Visit?

Despite all the preparation, a child may freeze at the door. At this moment, the parent staying calm determines how things unfold.

• Give them time to warm up. Rather than creating expectations the moment you walk in, let the child observe the setting first. Many children approach of their own accord after half an hour.
• Speak for them, but without belittling them. Saying "He's a bit shy, he'll come over in a minute" protects the child from the pressure of the setting. Avoid labelling expressions such as "Ours never listens".
• Remind them of the alternative. You can lean down and whisper, "If you like, just wave to grandad." A small step is better than no step at all.
• Be a role model. When you kiss the hands of elders with warmth, your child learns this behaviour by watching. Children imitate what they see far more than what they are told.
• Notice the small effort. If the child has waved or said "Happy Bayram", acknowledge it calmly afterwards: "I saw you wave to grandad. He was so pleased."

Imagine a seven-year-old girl who does not want to kiss her great-aunt's hand but is willing to give her a Bayram card she made herself. This too is an expression of affection and respect. Allowing a child to find their own way enables them, over time, to build a more genuine bond with their elders.

How Do You Explain This to Relatives and Elders?

For parents, the hardest part is often not the child's behaviour but the reaction of those around them. Comments such as "You're spoiling that child" or "It wasn't like this in our day" can put a parent in a difficult position, especially at the home of the in-laws.

In this situation the following can help:

• Talk beforehand. A short conversation with elders before the visit can set expectations: "Ours takes a little while to warm up to new people. When we don't push him, he comes over himself, so let's give him a bit of time."
• Acknowledge the elders' feelings too. Grandad or grandma may genuinely feel hurt when their hand is not kissed. Saying "He loves you very much, he's just shy" shows that you care about their feelings as well.
• Agree on a shared approach with your spouse. Mother and father taking different stances on this confuses the child and leads to tension in the family. When it is a parent's own family, it can make things easier if that parent does the talking.
• Do not argue in front of the child. Arguments about the child's behaviour only embarrass them further.

Grandparents' interference in parenting decisions can become more visible at Bayram. You can find more detailed suggestions on this in the article on grandparents interfering.

How Can Respect Be Taught Without Force?

Respect is learnt not through a single behaviour but through attitudes shown consistently in daily life. Kissing hands is only one part of this attitude.

• Treat your child with respect. Taking your child's feelings seriously, listening to them and respecting their body are the first steps in teaching them what respect means.
• Nurture the bond with elders throughout the year. It is hard for a natural closeness to develop between a child and a grandad seen only at Bayram. Phone calls, looking at photos or telling stories about grandad strengthen this bond.
• Build greetings into everyday life. Small behaviours such as saying "good morning" to a neighbour or welcoming a guest at the door help a child develop social skills over time.
• Explain traditions through stories. Memories such as "When I was little, I'd kiss my grandad's hand on Bayram morning and he'd give me sweets" make the tradition meaningful and warm for a child.
• Be patient. A child who does not kiss hands today may do so of their own accord, and sincerely, a few years from now.

A short review at home after Bayram also helps. Questions such as "What did you like most at grandad's house? Was there anything that was hard for you?" help a child put their experience into words and let you plan the next visit together.

For more information on approaches that support a child's cooperation without relying on rewards and punishments, you can take a look at the article on positive discipline.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Not wanting to kiss hands is usually a natural part of development and is not worrying in itself. However, it may be helpful to consult a professional in the following situations:

• If the child experiences intense anxiety not only at Bayram but in almost all social situations, including school, the park and family settings
• If they cannot speak even with familiar people and fall completely silent in certain settings
• If they have an extreme and widespread sensitivity to physical contact, and also react strongly to other sensory input such as the texture of clothes, sounds and lights
• If they experience tummy aches, crying fits or sleep problems before going into social settings
• If they specifically and consistently avoid contact with a particular person and become uneasy when that person's name is mentioned; in this case it is important to listen calmly to the child's feelings and, if necessary, to speak with a professional

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; however, they suggest that a closer assessment of the child could be useful.

How Is Social Withdrawal Addressed in Therapy?

When working with children who experience intense withdrawal in social settings, the child's temperament, the source of their anxiety and the way the family is coping with the situation are assessed first. With young children, child and play therapy is an important tool. Through play, the child expresses feelings about social situations and tries out new skills in a safe setting.

With older children, a cognitive behavioural approach can be used. The child learns to notice anxious thoughts about social situations and to face the situations they avoid in small steps. Throughout this process the steps are always planned at the pace the child is ready for.

Parent sessions are also an important part of the process. When a child refuses to kiss elders' hands or withdraws in social settings, parents have the chance to think together about how to cope with pressure from those around them and how to support their child.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child won't kiss hands but will give a hug. Is that enough?

Yes. Hugging is also a way of showing affection and respect to elders. What matters is not the form of the gesture but its sincerity. A child finding a way of expressing themselves that suits them can be encouraged.

Is giving pocket money the right way to encourage hand-kissing?

Bayram pocket money is part of the tradition; however, making it conditional on kissing hands can turn the behaviour into more of a transaction than an act of affection. Offering the money as an unconditional Bayram gift is more appropriate.

My child refuses to kiss only one particular relative's hand. What should I do?

First, calmly ask why. Sometimes the reason can be something simple, such as the person's voice, smell or a stern manner. Listen carefully to what your child tells you and take their discomfort seriously.

Up to what age is it normal not to kiss hands?

There is no specific age limit. Depending on temperament and family setting, some children may remain reserved even at school age. If the behaviour is limited to Bayram and the child's other social skills are developing, it usually does not warrant concern.

• #bayram
• #family visits
• #shyness in children
• #parenting

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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