When Dad Works Away From Home: Helping Children Cope With Missing Him and With Goodbyes

How does a child feel when their father works away from home? Longing, goodbyes and keeping the bond alive when dad works on sites, long routes or rotas.

Sunday evening, a suitcase by the door. Dad is setting off again: perhaps to a construction site abroad, perhaps to a lorry heading out on a long route, perhaps to a ship, or to a distant mining site where he works fifteen-day shifts and rotas. His five-year-old daughter is wrapped around his leg and will not let go. Mum is trying to soothe her daughter while hiding her own tears. In Turkey, many families live in an arrangement where, to make a living, the father is away from home for weeks or even months. For a child with a father working away from home, every parting brings fresh longing, and every return means a process of getting used to each other again. In this article we look at what these children may feel, how you can make goodbyes and homecomings easier, how you can keep the bond with a faraway father alive and what supports the parent who stays at home.

What Does a Child With a Father Working Away From Home Feel?

A father being away stirs different feelings depending on the child's age and temperament, the length of the separation and the way the family manages the situation. The most common feelings are:

• Longing: The child misses their father's voice, his smell and the games they play together. This longing sometimes intensifies before bed, sometimes on a Bayram morning, and sometimes when they see other children's fathers at school.
• Uncertainty and anxiety: Young children in particular cannot fully grasp the concept of time. "He'll be back in two weeks" can feel like an endless wait to a four-year-old. Children who think the place their father has gone to is dangerous may also worry about his safety.
• Anger: Some children express their longing as anger. A child who does not want to speak to their father on the phone, or who is distant with him when he comes home, may in fact be showing their hurt.
• Guilt: Young children sometimes link events to themselves. They may carry thoughts such as "Is Dad leaving because he doesn't love me?" or "Is it because I was naughty?"
• Pride: There are also children who know their father is working for the family and who enjoy talking about his job. When supported in the right way, this sense of pride helps a child make sense of the separation.

It is entirely natural for these feelings to appear together, even within the same day. A child who boasts proudly about their father in the morning may cry in the evening when they hear his voice on the phone. These ups and downs are the child's way of processing their feelings, and they settle over time with the calm presence of the adult at home.

A Child With a Father Working Away From Home: Reactions by Age

Infancy and the preschool years

For young children, it is hard to keep their father's presence alive in their mind while he is away. After long separations, some babies and young children may be shy of their returning father for the first few days. This can hurt the father; however, it is a natural reaction specific to the child's developmental stage and usually passes within a few days. During this period, sleep problems, clinging excessively to mum and regressive behaviour such as wetting themselves may be seen.

School age

School-age children understand the reason for the separation better but experience the longing more consciously. Their father not coming to a parents' evening, a school performance or a match can upset them. At this age, ups and downs in schoolwork, distractibility and physical complaints may be seen. Some children try to take on the role of "man of the house" or "mum's helper". A short word with the teacher helps ensure that a child's ups and downs at school are understood correctly.

Adolescence

Teenagers may find more room for freedom while their father is away, and conflicts over rules may arise when he returns. A teenager may react to their father with "You're never even here, and now you're telling me what to do." These conflicts are not a breaking of the bond but a need to redefine the relationship. A father following developments in his teenager's life from afar, and getting to know their friends and interests, can noticeably reduce this tension when he returns.

The Burden of "You're the Man of the House"

In Turkey, it is a common scene for a father setting off to tell his son, "While I'm away, you're the man of the house, look after your mum and your sibling." Though said with good intentions, these words can place on a child's shoulders a responsibility they cannot carry. A seven-year-old who sees his mother is sad may perceive this as his own failure, or may begin to behave in an overly authoritarian way towards his sibling.

Similarly, girls may be given messages such as "Help your mum, don't upset her." It is valuable for a child to take part in household chores in an age-appropriate way; but they should not be expected to carry an adult's emotional burden.

Instead, a message like this is healthier: "While I'm away, Mum will take care of everything. Your job is to go to school, to play and to tell me what you've been doing. I'm going to miss you so much."

A child's task is not to fill their father's place; it is to go on being a child and to know that their father's love continues even from afar.

Making Goodbyes and Homecomings Easier

Moments of parting and reunion are when a child's feelings run highest. Planning these moments helps both sides feel more at ease.

Before he leaves

• Give advance notice. Telling your child a few days in advance when their father will be leaving gives them time to prepare. Leaving secretly while the child is asleep may seem easier at first, but it can create insecurity and fear of abandonment.
• Create a goodbye ritual. A short ritual repeated at every departure (a special handshake, a hug, a phrase such as "I love you as much as all the stars") reassures a child.
• Keep the goodbye short. Long, tearful goodbyes can increase a child's anxiety. A warm but brief goodbye is more protective.
• Leave a concrete reminder. Dad's T-shirt, a photo taken together or a story recorded in his voice supports a child in moments of longing.

Make time visible

For young children, it helps to make the abstract concept of time concrete. Marking off each passing day on a calendar on the wall, dropping a bead into a jar every day, or using measures a child can understand such as "Dad will be back after fifteen sleeps" makes the wait manageable.

After he returns

• Allow time to get used to each other again. When Dad comes back, the child may not run straight into his arms. Accepting distant behaviour without forcing it allows the bond to be rebuilt naturally.
• Do not change the rules suddenly. Dad changing the household routine on his return, or bringing in strict rules with "This child got spoilt while I was away", leads to conflict. It is important for mum and dad to talk about rules beforehand.
• Set aside one-to-one time. Dad can spend special time with each child separately, even if only briefly. Going for a walk together, playing a game or making breakfast strengthens the bond.
• Do not hide that he will leave again. Telling your child honestly how long the homecoming will last makes the next separation more predictable.

Keeping the Bond With a Faraway Father Alive

A father being physically far away does not mean he has to be emotionally distant too. With technology and a little creativity, the bond can be maintained.

• Regular video calls: A short call at the same time every evening creates a reliable routine for a child. However, rather than turning the call into long question-and-answer sessions, reading a story together or giving the child a chance to show their drawing can be more enjoyable.
• Letters and voice messages: A short voice message or postcard sent by Dad can be a precious treasure for a child. The child can also send their father drawings or letters.
• Introducing Dad's world: Dad showing photos of where he works and explaining his job in language a child can understand fills the gaps in the child's imagination and reduces anxiety.
• Shared projects: Projects such as reading a book together from a distance, watching the same film and talking about it, or growing a plant and sharing its progress keep the bond alive.
• Talking about Dad: The parent at home speaking of Dad with affection helps the child feel their father's place in their life.

Special days such as Bayram, birthdays and school performances are the times when a father's absence is felt most. Planning these days in advance helps. Dad can watch the performance via a video call; if that is not possible, the recording can be watched and talked about together later. On a birthday, a small present Dad has prepared in advance or a recorded birthday message lets a child feel they have not been forgotten. A short call with Dad on Bayram morning can ease, at least a little, the sense of something missing in a child's mind as they set off to kiss the hands of their elders. Celebrating the day Dad comes home as a small "reunion festival" also makes the waiting more meaningful in a child's eyes.

For more information on the father's role in child development, you can take a look at the article on the father's influence on the child.

The Burden on the Parent at Home

During the periods when the father is away, the parent who stays at home is often parenting alone. School, housework, illnesses, bills and the children's emotional needs all rest on one person's shoulders. Over time, this burden can lead to burnout.

It is important for the parent at home to get support for themselves too:

• Asking for practical help from extended family, neighbours or friends
• Creating space for rest, however small
• Talking with their spouse not only about the children and problems but also about their own feelings
• Taking care not to voice anger or complaints about their spouse in front of the children

Imagine a mother of three who, during the six months her husband is working on a construction site abroad, finds herself crying in the evenings after the children are asleep. Her mother-in-law silences her with "Your husband is working there for you, don't complain." This mother noticing her exhaustion and looking for support is protective both for herself and for her children.

The article on living in different cities from your spouse may also offer guidance on how spouses living apart for long periods affects the relationship.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Most reactions to a father being away soften over time with the support given within the family. However, it may be helpful to consult a professional in the following situations:

• If the child's longing and sadness are clearly affecting their daily life
• If they refuse to go to school or have extreme difficulty separating from the parent at home
• If there are long-lasting disruptions to sleeping and eating patterns
• If outbursts of anger or aggressive behaviour have clearly increased
• If intense physical complaints or panic-like reactions are seen every time the father leaves
• If the parent at home feels exhausted, helpless or constantly angry

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; however, they suggest that the family may need extra support during this period.

How Are Separation and Longing Addressed in Therapy?

When working with a child whose father works away from home, the aim is to help the child express their longing, anxiety and anger in a safe setting. With young children, child and play therapy is an important tool. Figures that come and go, journeys, waiting and reunions often appear in the playroom. Through these themes, the child makes sense of the separation and strengthens their sense of control.

With school-age children, a cognitive behavioural approach can be used. The child learns to notice anxious thoughts such as "Dad's never coming back" or "Something's going to happen to him" and to cope with them.

Family sessions are also an important part of the process. Sessions held both with the parent at home and, where possible, with the father who is away help in planning goodbyes, homecomings and rules together. During the periods when the father is away, online sessions can make it easier for him to take part in the process too.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child doesn't want to talk to their father on the phone. What should I do?

This is often an expression of longing or hurt. Rather than forcing your child, try making the call shorter and more playful. Dad could show a picture or ask a riddle. In time, your child may start to join in of their own accord.

Should I tell my child that their father's job is dangerous?

It is important to give your child honest information at a level suited to their age; however, there is no need to go into frightening details. Reassuring explanations such as "Dad works carefully and wears special clothes to protect himself" can be preferred.

My child is shy of their father when he comes home. Is that normal?

Yes, this is common after long separations, especially in young children. Dad drawing closer without forcing the child, by playing together and joining in with daily care routines, allows the bond to be rebuilt naturally.

Is it right to hide Dad's departures from the child?

This is generally not recommended. Departures without warning can increase a child's worry that "Dad could disappear at any moment". Honest departures with a short, loving goodbye protect a child's sense of security in the long run.

• #missing dad
• #separation
• #family relationships
• #parenting

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler