When a Child Refuses to Visit Their Father: Contact Days After Divorce

Does your child refuse to visit their father? Possible reasons why a child resists contact days after divorce, and what both parents can do, in this article.

Friday evening, six o'clock. As usual, the father has pulled up outside the block of flats and given a light tap on the horn. Upstairs, his eight-year-old son is refusing to put his shoes on; he has shut himself in his room and is crying: "I don't want to go!" Thinking of the court order on one hand and her son's tears on the other, the mother does not know what to do. The father waiting downstairs feels a little more hurt, and a little more angry, with every passing minute. In this scene, which many families live through after divorce, everyone suffers: the child, the mother and the father. When a child refuses to visit their father, parents may immediately think of the worst possibilities, or that the other side has influenced the child. Yet there can be very different reasons behind this resistance, and every move made without understanding them can make the situation even harder. In this article we look at ways to understand a child who resists contact days, and at what both parents can do for the child's wellbeing. It is worth noting that the same applies to children who do not want to go to their mother.

A Child Refuses to Visit Their Father: Possible Reasons

A child's refusal to go to the other parent does not come down to a single reason. Several factors are usually at play together.

The transition itself is hard

In divorced families, the child moves back and forth between two homes. Every transition means separating from one parent. Many children enjoy spending time with their father but struggle at the moment of separating from their mother. The same child may be happily playing half an hour after arriving at their father's home. In this case the problem lies not with the father but with the feeling of separation created by the moment of transition.

Loyalty conflict

A child may fear that being happy with one parent will upset the other. A child who notices that their mother is alone and sad at weekends may refuse to go, thinking, "If I go, Mum will be on her own." This conflict deepens further when one or both parents speak negatively about the other.

Differences in routine and lifestyle

Different rules, different food and different sleep patterns between the two homes can wear a child out. If the child has no room, toys or friends of their own at their father's home, they may get bored there or feel like a stranger. A child who does not want to miss a birthday party in their own neighbourhood at the weekend may also resist going.

The new arrangement at the father's home

If the father has a new spouse, a new partner or new children, the child may feel left out or jealous in this new family arrangement. Having to share their father can reduce their wish to go.

Hurt in the relationship

What happened during the divorce, the father not keeping his word, missing arranged times or not paying the child enough attention can leave the child feeling hurt. Over time, this hurt can surface as not wanting to go.

Age-related needs

For children in adolescence, friends, school activities and personal space are very important. A teenager saying "I don't want to go to Dad's this weekend" may have more to do with their own social life than with their relationship with their father.

Safety concerns

In some cases, a child's resistance can point to a genuine safety problem. If there is violence, excessive alcohol use, neglect or another situation that frightens the child at their father's home, the child's refusal to go is an attempt to protect themselves. This possibility must always be assessed carefully.

Understanding What Your Child Feels

To understand why your child does not want to go, you need to ask them questions in a calm, non-judgemental setting. However, the direct question "Why don't you want to go to your dad's?" can put a child on the defensive or force them to pick a side.

Instead, the following approaches may help:

• Ask open-ended questions: "What do you like most at your dad's house? Is there anything that's hard for you there?"
• Let them tell you through play and drawing: Young children express their feelings more easily with dolls or drawings.
• Pay attention to timing: Conversations held at the moment of transition, in the middle of a crying fit, are not productive. Chatting on a calm evening, before bed, is more suitable.
• Control your reaction: Getting angry at what your child tells you, or saying "I knew it", can lead them never to tell you again.
• Do not make your child a source of information: Questioning your child about the other parent's life puts them in the position of go-between for the two parents.

Imagine a ten-year-old girl who says she does not want to stay in the same house as her father's new wife. In a calm conversation it emerges that the real problem is that her father no longer does anything alone with her. When the father begins spending a few hours of each visit with his daughter alone, her wish to go gradually returns.

A child's words "I don't want to go" are not an ending but a message; understanding that message works far better than suppressing it.

If a Child Refuses to Visit Their Father, What Can Be Done?

Suggestions for the parent the child lives with

• Support the contact. As long as there is no safety problem, it is in the child's interest to maintain their relationship with their father. Supportive phrases such as "You'll have a lovely time with your dad, and I'll be here waiting for you" ease the loyalty conflict.
• Do not place your own feelings on your child. You may be sad about being alone at the weekend; but showing this to your child makes them feel guilty about going. Find support for yourself to cope with these feelings.
• Make the transition easier. Packing the bag together, putting a favourite toy in it and having a short, warm goodbye softens the moment of transition.
• Do not speak negatively about the other parent. Criticism of the father made in front of the child forces them to choose between two people they love.

What the father can do

• Be patient and do not take it personally. A child's resistance does not always mean their love for you has lessened. Reacting with anger or hurt makes the situation even harder.
• Be consistent. Arrive at the time you promised and do not cancel plans at the last minute. Consistency is the foundation of your child's trust in you.
• Make room for your child in your home. A space of their own, however small, their own toothbrush, their own toys and bed help a child feel part of the home rather than a guest.
• Set aside one-to-one time. Even if you have a new family, plan times to spend alone with your child.
• Take an interest in your child's world. Following developments at school, their friends and their interests reduces the distance between you.

Principles of co-parenting

Both parents moving in the same direction makes it easier for a child to go back and forth between two homes with confidence. Agreeing as far as possible on basic rules (bedtime, screen time, homework routine) stops the child from being squeezed between two separate worlds. The article on parents with different rules may offer guidance on the effect of different rules on a child.

Bayram and holidays are especially sensitive periods in this respect. Matters such as whose home the first day of Bayram will be spent at, and which elders will be visited, should be planned in advance and not argued over in front of the child. Continuing the relationship with the paternal grandparents is also an important source of support for most children.

If communication between the parents is very difficult, methods that reduce conflict can be preferred, such as handovers taking place at a neutral place like school, or communicating in writing. The child should not be the one carrying messages between the parents.

Force or Wait?

Parents are often faced with this dilemma: should they send the child even against their will, or respect their wish and wait? There is no single right answer to this question; it depends on the child's age and on the cause and intensity of the resistance.

• With young children, crying at the moment of transition is often short-lived. In this case, continuing the contact with a calm but firm goodbye is usually appropriate.
• With school-age children, it can be helpful to understand the cause of the resistance and make arrangements accordingly (for example shortening the visit, or the father also attending an important event for the child).
• With teenagers, discussing the contact plan with them and taking their views into account is important for the relationship to be sustainable.

Where there has been no contact for a long time, a gradual transition can also be considered. First, meetings of a few hours in a park or a café can be planned, then day visits, and finally overnight stays. These steps allow the child to rebuild their relationship with their father at their own pace. Talking with the child after each step about how it went, and the two parents sharing this review without putting the child in the middle, help the process move forward in a healthy way.

Whatever the child says, if there is a safety concern, the priority is always protecting the child. If your child tells you they have encountered violence, neglect or something that frightens them at their father's home, take it seriously and seek support from legal advice and the relevant authorities. If there is immediate danger, call 112 (emergency services).

Supporting a Child's Adjustment After Divorce

Difficulties on contact days are often part of the overall effect of divorce on a child. The first year after a divorce is the most challenging period for children. During this time:

• Remind your child again and again that the divorce is not their fault
• Create routines that are as predictable as possible in both homes
• Allow your child to express their longing and anger
• Avoid having conflict between the parents in front of the child
• On important days (birthdays, Bayram, school performances), make plans that let your child spend time with both parents

For more information on how to tell a child about divorce and what can be done in the early period, you can read the article on how to explain divorce to a child.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Resistance on contact days sometimes resolves quickly; at other times it needs professional support. It may be helpful to consult a professional in the following situations:

• If the child has persistently and consistently refused to go to the other parent for a long time
• If they experience intense anxiety, physical complaints or sleep problems before and after transitions
• If the child voices negative views about one of the parents that are not based on their own experience and are expressed in adult language
• If the conflict between the parents is at a level that directly affects the child
• If withdrawal, a drop in school performance or outbursts of anger have clearly increased
• If there is any suspicion about the child's safety

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; however, they suggest that the child and the family may need support.

How Is Adjustment After Divorce Addressed in Therapy?

When working with children who are struggling with contact days after divorce, the first aim is for the child to be able to express their feelings in a safe setting. With young children, child and play therapy is an important tool. Two homes, two families, figures that come and go and themes of separation may emerge in the playroom. Through these themes, the child works through their loyalty conflict, longing and anger.

With school-age children and teenagers, a cognitive behavioural approach can be used. The child learns to notice thoughts such as "If I go to Dad's, Mum will be upset" and to express their feelings in healthy ways.

Parent sessions are an essential part of the process. Where possible, sessions are held separately with both parents so that the child's needs can be addressed on common ground. Even when a child refuses to visit their father, the aim is to support the child in maintaining a healthy relationship with both parents. The professional does not take either parent's side; the focus is always the child's wellbeing.

Frequently Asked Questions

If my child doesn't want to go to their father, is it right not to send them despite the court order?

Matters relating to court orders require legal advice. From a psychological point of view, it is important first to understand the cause of the resistance. If there is no safety problem, continuing the contact while supporting the child is usually in their interest. If there is any safety concern, you need to speak with the relevant authorities and a lawyer.

My child is very grumpy after coming back from their father's. What does this mean?

The transition between two homes is emotionally tiring for many children. Grumpiness after returning is often a sign of transition stress. Keeping return days calm and giving your child time to readjust helps.

How does my new spouse's relationship with my child affect contact days?

It is important for new spouses to build their relationship with the child slowly and without pressure. Rather than taking on a parenting role at the start, adopting a friendly and supportive attitude makes it easier for the child to accept this new person.

Should I pass on what my child tells me to the other parent?

If your child's safety is involved, the necessary steps must be taken. Beyond that, it is important to share what your child tells you in a way that serves their interest, without undermining their trust and in non-blaming language.

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• #contact days
• #co-parenting
• #children and divorce

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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