Child Won't Share: What to Do When Toys Aren't Shared

Child Won't Share: Should You Force a Child to Hand Over Toys?

Your child won't share a toy with a visiting child: should you force it? How sharing develops by age, why forcing backfires, and better ways to teach it.

Your neighbour has come round for tea with her three-year-old son. While you are brewing the tea, a scream rises from the living room: the visiting child has picked up one of the dinosaurs from the set your child was given for their birthday, and yours is pulling it back with all their might. "Mine! I won't give it!" Your neighbour says, "Oh, never mind, he doesn't need to play with it," but your face is burning. You step straight in, say "That's rude, give it here, he's our guest," and take the toy out of your child's hand. Your child throws themselves on the floor in tears; you are embarrassed, your guest is embarrassed, the evening is ruined. Many families have lived through a moment like this. Worrying when your child won't share is understandable; but sharing becomes a real skill not when it is taught by force, but when it is supported in a way that fits the child's development. In this article we look at how sharing develops with age, why forcing can backfire, and what you can do instead.

A small child not wanting to hand over their toy can look like selfishness through adult eyes. From a developmental point of view, however, the situation is quite different.

For a two- or three-year-old, the idea of "mine" is something newly discovered and very precious. In this period, when the child realises they are an individual separate from their parent, they also see their belongings as an extension of themselves. Giving away a toy is, for them, like giving away a part of themselves. In addition, children of this age cannot yet fully grasp the concept of time; the words "You'll get it back in a minute" may sound to them like "Maybe it will never come back."

The skill of sharing develops roughly in this order:

Around age 2: Possessiveness is at its most intense. The word "mine" is repeated all day long. Expecting voluntary sharing at this age is not realistic.
Ages 3 to 4: The child begins to learn to take turns with adult support. Even so, resistance continues over their favourite things.
Ages 4 to 5: As shared play increases, they notice that sharing makes the game more fun. They start to bargain: "You take this one, I'll play with that."
Age 6 and beyond: The concept of fairness becomes clear. The child understands others' feelings better and begins to see sharing as part of friendship.

So a three-year-old not handing over their dinosaur does not show that they will grow up to be a selfish person. On the contrary, the development of a sense of ownership is a precondition for sharing: only someone who knows they own something can give it away voluntarily.

It is also worth remembering that sharing is not limited to toys. Children also have to share their parent's lap and attention, the swing at Grandma's house, and even their turn to speak. Some children are quite generous with toys yet struggle a great deal when their mother's attention turns to another child. So when you observe that "my child won't share", looking at what they find hard to share, and with whom, gives a clearer picture.

Besides the developmental reasons that come with age, there may be other reasons why a child resists sharing:

The object has a special meaning: A cuddly toy they sleep with, a car their grandfather bought them or a puzzle they made themselves is not an ordinary toy for the child. It is worth remembering that adults do not share all their belongings either.
The need for control: For a small child for whom other people make so many decisions throughout the day, having a say over their toys is one of the rare areas where they feel in control.
A new sibling: When a new baby joins family life, the child feels that love and attention are being divided. Starting to guard their toys more tightly may be connected to this feeling. We covered this process in detail in our article on sibling jealousy.
Their own space being frequently invaded: A child who grows up in an extended family, in a crowded home, or who is constantly told "give it to your brother" may learn to hold on tightly to what they have.
Anxiety and insecurity: At uncertain times such as moving house, changing school or parents separating, a child may see their belongings as a kind of source of security.

On a visit or in the park, taking the toy from the child's hand and giving it to the other child seems to solve the problem for the moment. But this approach can, without anyone realising, teach the child other things:

The stronger one takes: The child sees that what they are holding can be taken away when an adult wants. Next time they may grab a toy from someone else's hand themselves, because that is the model they have seen.
Sharing is a loss: Every toy handed over by force codes sharing not as an enjoyable experience but as a loss. This makes voluntary sharing harder.
My feelings don't matter: The sentence "That's rude, give it" ignores the anger and sadness the child is feeling. The child learns that their feelings are wrong, but those feelings do not disappear.
The other child learns something too: The child who wanted the toy learns that they can get what they want by crying or insisting.

In Turkey there is also cultural pressure on this issue. Sayings such as "A guest child is given everything", "The big sister gives way" and "Give it to the little one, he doesn't understand" are often heard. These sayings are nourished by valuable feelings such as hospitality and generosity; but constantly pushing the needs of the older sibling or the host child into the background can create resentment towards these values rather than making the child love them.

At religious holiday visits, in crowded homes where cousins come together, this pressure increases further. In front of relatives, the sight of a "child who won't share" can make a parent feel that their own way of raising children is being put to the test. At moments like these it helps to remind yourself: your real aim is not to look good to relatives at that moment, but to give your child a skill that will serve them in the long term.

Recognise their right to say "no" as well

Teaching sharing does not mean the child can never say "no". As adults, we do not hand our car, our phone or our favourite book to everyone either. Saying to the child, "This is your toy; if you don't want to give it right now, that's fine. But let's find something else Kerem can play with" teaches them at the same time both to protect their limits and to think of the other person. A child who experiences their own limits being respected later finds it easier to respect other people's limits; the foundation for being able to say "no" to peer pressure in adolescence is also laid here.

Teach a turn-taking system

Using the idea of "turns" instead of saying "share" is far more understandable for young children. "Right now Ayşe is playing with the red car. When she's finished, it's your turn." Turns offer a fair order without damaging the sense of ownership. The child learns to hand over a toy once they have really played with it and finished; this protects the voluntary side of sharing.

Using a timer or a sand timer makes this process concrete: "When the timer rings, it's Ayşe's turn." In this way it is the object, not the parent, that makes the decision, and arguments decrease.

Prepare before guests arrive

Before guests arrive, choose your child's "special" toys together with them and put them away in another room. Talk about the rest being shared toys: "These are the toys you'll play with together when Kerem comes." This simple step both respects the child's limits and noticeably reduces conflicts during visits.

Create opportunities for shared play

Materials used together (a big construction set, crayons and a huge sheet of paper, building a sandcastle) make sharing natural, rather than single-player toys. Two children building a tower together are in fact experiencing sharing.

Put the feeling into words, nurture empathy

"This is the car you love so much; you don't want to give it. I understand." Then make the other child's feeling visible too: "Look, Kerem seems sad because he wants to play with it too. What could we do?" This question gives the child the chance to be part of the solution. For other ways to nurture empathy in everyday life, you can take a look at our article on teaching children empathy.

When your child shares something of their own accord, notice it and show them its effect: "You shared your biscuit with your sister; look how happy she is." Seeing the joy that sharing creates in the other person is a far more powerful source of motivation than external rewards.

Children learn sharing above all by watching the adults at home. Everyday sharing such as "Shall I split my apple with you?" or "I can lend you my pen" teaches without words that sharing is something natural. Family habits such as taking a plate of food to a neighbour or giving clothes to someone in need are also part of this learning.

Protect limits between siblings

Some of the older sibling's belongings should belong to them alone. Putting them on a shelf or in a box the younger sibling cannot reach helps the older child feel secure. For shared toys, on the other hand, the turn-taking rule should be applied equally to both siblings. Saying "When you've finished, it's his turn" instead of "He's little, give it to him" protects the older sibling's sense of fairness.

Use a shared language at the park and at nursery

Nursery teachers generally use a turn-taking system. Using the same language as the teacher ensures the child receives a consistent message at home and at school. When another child asks for your child's toy at the park, you can support your child in saying "I'll give it to you when I've finished"; this sentence both sets a limit and makes a polite promise.

Sharing becomes one of a child's values not when something is taken out of their hands, but when it is something they give with their own hands.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Difficulty with sharing is seen in almost every child in the pre-school years and mostly decreases with age. However, in the following situations it may be helpful to talk to a child mental health specialist:

If, despite reaching school age, they cannot tolerate sharing or taking turns at all, and every situation ends in a crisis
If sharing disputes frequently end in hitting, biting or harming other children
If they hoard their belongings excessively and react intensely to even the smallest object being moved
If their friends do not want to play with them and this makes the child clearly unhappy
If the inability to share seems to be part of a general difficulty with anxiety, anger or social communication

Trust your own observations as a parent too: if sharing problems have increased markedly over the last few months, thinking about what changed at home or at school during the same period can give an important clue. These behaviours do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they offer an opportunity to assess the child's emotional needs and social skills more holistically.

Difficulty with sharing is rarely a reason for therapy on its own; it is usually addressed as part of a broader picture such as sibling jealousy, anxiety, anger management or difficulties with friendships.

Play therapy: In the playroom, within the relationship they build with the toys and the therapist, the child safely experiences the concepts of ownership, control and limits. In child-centred play therapy the child's feelings are accepted while limits are held consistently. This experience helps the child recognise both their own needs and other people's limits.

Parent guidance: Together with the parents, where and how sharing conflicts arise at home is examined; concrete steps such as a turn-taking system, fairness between siblings and preparing for visits are planned. How the parent can cope with their own feelings of embarrassment is also discussed.

Social skills work: With school-age children, the skills of negotiating, asking for a turn, being able to say "no" and finding a compromise can be practised through role play.

For more information on this process, you can look at the child and play therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

They begin to learn to take turns with adult support at around three or four. Voluntary sharing based on empathy usually becomes noticeable after the age of five or six. Every child's pace is different; temperament and experiences within the family affect this process.

They won't give their own toy but want to take other children's; is this normal?

It is quite normal in the pre-school years. The child cannot yet balance "what I want" against "someone else's right". The same rule applies here too: they wait their turn for someone else's toy as well. Applying the rule consistently in both directions develops the child's sense of fairness.

Talk with the teacher about the situations in which they struggle: certain toys, certain children, certain times of day? Using the same turn-taking language at home and at school makes things easier for the child. If the situation does not improve within a short time, it may be necessary to assess whether there is another difficulty underneath.

What should I do if a visiting child breaks a toy?

First, acknowledge your child's sadness; something they love being broken really is upsetting. Calm the situation without blaming the visiting child, and later you can try repairing it together with your child. This experience is a good opportunity to decide together which toys to put away before the next visit.

#child won't share
#teaching sharing
#taking turns
#children and visitors

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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Child Won't Share: Should You Force a Child to Hand Over Toys?