My Spouse Belittles Me: Being Humiliated in Front of Others

If your spouse belittles you, read about the difference between a joke and humiliation, how contempt affects you and how to set boundaries in front of others.

The holiday table is laid and the whole family has gathered. Although you have been in the kitchen since the morning, you had to buy the baklava from the patisserie. Just as dessert is being served, your spouse chips in with a laugh: "Ours isn't much good with pastry, thank goodness for patisseries." Everyone laughs. You smile too, because in that moment you do not know what else to do. But when you get into bed at night, that sentence is still ringing in your ears. It is not the first time. At dinners with friends, when you give your opinion he says, "You don't understand these things"; he repeats a mistake you made in a mocking voice in front of the children; he shares a screenshot of one of your spelling mistakes in the family WhatsApp group. Even when you begin to think "My spouse belittles me", a voice inside you says, "Maybe I'm just oversensitive." In this article we look at how to recognise belittling, why it wounds so deeply, and what you can do to protect yourself.

My Spouse Belittles Me: What Does Belittling Look Like?

Belittling does not always come in the form of an open insult. More often it shows itself through subtler, more "innocent"-looking behaviours:

• Sarcastic jokes: Remarks about your appearance, your intelligence, your cooking, your job or your family that are said with a laugh but sting inside.
• Trivialising your opinions: Interrupting you while you speak, dismissing your thoughts with phrases such as "Forget it" or "What would you know?"
• Constantly correcting: Correcting your pronunciation, small details in a story you are telling, or your clothes in front of everyone.
• Body language: Rolling his eyes while you are speaking, sighing, giving others a "See what I mean?" look.
• Comparing: Comparisons such as "Your sister's husband knows everything" or "My friend's wife works and still runs the home perfectly".
• Targeting your background or education: Insinuations about your home town, your accent, your family's financial situation or your schooling.
• Making your effort invisible: Devaluing your contribution with remarks such as "What do you even do at home?" or "What does your salary cover?"

Belittling does not usually begin all at once. A bit of teasing now and then in the early years becomes more frequent and sharper over time. Every time you tell yourself "I shouldn't take offence at this much", the line is pushed back a little further. Many people can only put the sentence "my spouse belittles me" into words years later, when a friend or sibling asks, "Do you realise how he talks to you?"

Relationship research shows that contempt is one of the most corrosive attitudes between couples. This is because while criticism targets a behaviour, contempt targets the person themselves, their very worth.

The "I'm Only Joking" Defence: The Difference Between a Joke and Humiliation

The sentence belittling spouses resort to most often is: "I was only joking, you're so touchy." This sentence shifts the problem onto your sensitivity and pushes you to doubt your own perception.

There are jokes and teasing in healthy relationships too. To understand the difference, you can look at these questions:

• Who is laughing? In a real joke, both people laugh. In humiliation, one laughs while the other feels ashamed.
• Does it stop when you ask? When you say "This hurts me", is the joke dropped, or does it carry on with "Now she's offended too"?
• Does it always go in one direction? Is the teasing mutual, or are you always the target?
• Does the audience matter? Do these "jokes" intensify particularly in front of other people?
• What happens afterwards? When he realises you are hurt, does he apologise, or does he accuse you of exaggerating?

If the answers to these questions make you uncomfortable, what you are experiencing may not be a joke but humiliation dressed up as one. If you feel that your own perception is constantly being called into question, this may also resemble a pattern known as gaslighting.

Why Does Being Humiliated in Front of Others Hurt More?

A hurtful remark made when you are alone together stings; the same remark made at a crowded table opens a much deeper wound. The reason is shame. Shame is feeling diminished, lacking and worthless in the eyes of others, and it is one of the hardest emotions to bear.

In Turkey this situation carries some extra layers. Being belittled in front of your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law or your spouse's friends feels like a threat not only in that moment but to your position in the family. The worry about "What will people think?" makes it harder to react: if you speak up, the atmosphere will be spoilt and you will be labelled the "difficult daughter-in-law" or the "henpecked husband"; if you stay silent, the belittling will become normal. Settings you cannot escape, such as religious holiday visits, weddings and work dinners, make this feeling of being trapped even stronger.

A person humiliated in front of others often begins to avoid those settings. They find excuses to turn down invitations, stay silent at family gatherings and stop expressing themselves. Over time this deepens loneliness and the sense of worthlessness.

Why Might Your Spouse Be Belittling You?

Understanding the reasons for belittling does not mean accepting it. But it does help to see more clearly where the problem lies.

His own sense of inadequacy

When some people feel inadequate, worthless or threatened, they try to make themselves bigger by making others smaller. You may notice that the belittling increases in periods when your spouse is struggling at work, having financial difficulties or being criticised by his own family.

A learnt language

Someone who grew up in a home where the father constantly told the mother "You wouldn't understand" may use this language towards his own spouse without realising it. Such people may not even be aware of how hurtful belittling is.

Accumulated anger

Sometimes belittling is the indirect expression of an anger that has not been put into words. If there are unresolved hurts and unmet expectations in the relationship, this anger may seep out through sarcastic remarks.

Economic and social imbalance

In marriages where one partner works and the other is at home, where one has more education, or where one's family is financially stronger, belittling may be built around these differences. Remarks such as "You just sit at home" or "What has your family ever brought us?" are really the imbalance in the relationship being turned into a weapon. As tension over money increases with the rising cost of living, such remarks may become more frequent.

Power and control

In some relationships, belittling is a tool for keeping the other person small and dependent and for maintaining superiority in the relationship. If belittling occurs alongside jealousy, control, isolation and excessive criticism, we may be talking about a more serious pattern. Although the word "narcissist" is often used in popular language for such behaviour, a personality disorder can only be diagnosed through a professional assessment; nevertheless, our article on signs of narcissism may help you recognise these traits.

The Effects of Being Constantly Belittled

Someone who has been belittled for years gradually begins to hear those words as their own inner voice. Common effects include:

• Erosion of self-confidence: Hesitating when doing things you used to do with ease; the worry of "What if I get it wrong?"
• Self-censorship: Avoiding giving opinions, telling stories or trying something new.
• A sense of worthlessness: The thought "Maybe I really am useless" growing steadily stronger. When this feeling deepens, it can turn into the picture we describe in our article on feelings of worthlessness.
• Anxiety and being on alert: Intense tension before social occasions about what your spouse will say this time.
• Swinging between anger and guilt: On one side knowing you have been treated unfairly, on the other the thought "Maybe I deserve it".

Belittling in front of the children carries a separate harm. Children learn respect and relationships by watching how one parent treats the other. A child who sees their mother or father being mocked may, after a while, start speaking to that parent in the same language, or take on a similar role in their own relationships.

What wears a person down most is not harsh words, but having to carry those words in front of everyone with a smile.

My Spouse Belittles Me: What Can I Do?

You cannot change your spouse's behaviour on your own; but you can develop a stance other than silent acceptance.

Give a short, calm response in the moment. You do not have to get into a long argument in front of everyone. A short sentence such as "I didn't like that" or "Let's talk about this later" shows that the belittling has been noticed and is not accepted. Smiling it off, on the other hand, may be taken as approval.

Talk privately, with a concrete example. When you get home, or at a calm moment: "Last night, in front of your parents, when you said 'Ours isn't much good with pastry', I was very embarrassed. If you have something to say about me, I want you to say it when we're alone." Describing a specific moment instead of making general accusations makes it harder for your spouse to become defensive.

Set a clear boundary and its consequence. Set a boundary you can carry out, such as "If you make fun of me in front of others, I'll leave", and carry it out when necessary. We have described the steps for setting boundaries in detail in our article on setting boundaries.

Stay true to your own reality. In response to "You're being touchy", remember that your feelings are legitimate. If something hurt you, your hurt is real even if the other person sees it as a joke.

Go prepared to shared occasions. If you know that the belittling intensifies particularly at family gatherings, you can talk briefly with your spouse beforehand and remind him what you would like him to be mindful of that evening. If necessary, telling a family member you trust about the situation can help you feel you are not alone in that setting.

Strengthen your supportive relationships. Spending time with friends and siblings who see you as you are reminds you that your spouse's words are not the only truth about you.

Create areas that nourish your sense of worth. A course, a hobby, a small responsibility you take on at work... Areas in which you feel competent are an important part of rebuilding self-confidence that has been worn away.

Let's say a man is upset that his wife constantly says, in front of her friends, "My husband can't even change a light bulb." One evening, driving home from a dinner, he says to her: "These remarks don't seem funny to me; in front of your friends I feel useless." At first she says, "What's wrong with that, everyone laughs." He repeats: "I'm not laughing." A few weeks later, when a similar moment arises, she stops halfway through the sentence and changes the subject. Not every relationship changes this easily; but naming the belittling openly is the first condition for change.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Getting support from a professional may be helpful in the following situations:

• If the belittling has become constant and systematic, and does not change despite you raising it openly,
• If you notice that your self-confidence has dropped markedly and you constantly feel inadequate and worthless,
• If you have started avoiding social occasions and drifting away from your friends,
• If the belittling is accompanied by insults, threats, control or physical violence,
• If you see your children starting to speak to you in the same language,
• If you are experiencing hopelessness, a constant urge to cry, or thoughts of ending your life. In such a situation, get support without delay; in immediate danger, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is the Experience of Being Belittled Addressed in Therapy?

Individual therapy can be a space for someone who has been belittled for a long time to find their own voice again. The first step is to talk about what has happened in a safe setting and to review together the doubt that says "Maybe I'm exaggerating".

Within a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) framework, the way a spouse's words are gradually internalised and turned into the person's own thoughts about themselves is examined: beliefs such as "I'm incompetent" or "My opinions are worthless" are questioned, and work is done to replace them with more realistic appraisals. Assertive communication and boundary-setting skills are practised through role-play. From a schema therapy perspective, the reasons why the person put up with being belittled for so long are explored; for someone who grew up with a critical parent, this language may sadly feel familiar.

If your spouse is also willing, and there is no physical violence or serious threat in the relationship, couples therapy may also be an option. In this process, the function of belittling in the relationship, the anger or feelings of inadequacy underlying it, and how to build communication based on respect are worked on.

Frequently Asked Questions

My spouse says "I'm only joking"; am I being oversensitive?

What determines whether a remark is a joke is not only the speaker's intention but also the effect it has on the other person. If a joke constantly targets you, embarrasses you and continues even when you say "This hurts me", this is not oversensitivity but a lack of respect.

My spouse belittles me in front of the children; what should I do?

It is important to say a calm, short boundary sentence without escalating the argument in front of the children. Later, talk with your spouse alone about the effect this has on the children. Explaining to your children, in language suited to their age, that it is not right for anyone to make fun of another person also helps protect them.

Can a spouse who belittles change?

Change is possible, but the person needs to recognise this behaviour, take responsibility and be willing to change. Looking at changes that show consistency in behaviour, rather than promises made in words, allows you to make a healthier assessment of the relationship.

• #respect in marriage
• #humiliation
• #self-esteem
• #emotional abuse

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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