Supporting a Colleague With a Serious Illness: The Right Approach at Work

Tips on supporting a colleague with a serious illness when you don't know what to say: privacy, practical help, the return to work and the manager's role.

When you learn that a colleague with whom you have shared the same office, the same tea corner and the same commuter bus route for years is going through a serious illness, two feelings often come together: you want to be there for them, but you do not know what to do. If you send a message, will you be intruding? If you never ask, will you seem indifferent? When they return to work, should you mention their illness, or act as though nothing has happened? Supporting a colleague with a serious illness calls for a different balance from the support of family or close friends, because the workplace is both a community and a space where privacy, performance and hierarchy all exist. In this article I look at the attitude you can develop while your colleague is going through illness, while they are on leave and when they return to work.

What Does a Colleague With a Serious Illness Feel?

An employee going through a serious illness deals with many work-related questions on top of their worries about treatment. Understanding these questions makes it easier to judge how you can help.

• Concern about privacy: "Will everyone find out?", "Will people talk about me?" Some employees want to share their illness with only a few people.
• Fear of losing their job: Long periods of leave, frequent sick notes and treatment days can make the person worry, "Will I fall out of favour, will my promotion be affected?"
• Feeling left behind: Seeing projects, meetings and office life carry on without them can create a kind of sense of exclusion.
• Shame at being a burden: Knowing that colleagues have taken on their work can give rise to feelings of guilt and indebtedness.
• Being trapped in the "ill person" identity: The fear of being seen, once back at work, as nothing more than "the person who was ill".

Illness can also provoke different reactions in colleagues. Some avoid the subject because it confronts them with their own health worries, some try not to meet the person's eye in the corridor because they do not know what to say, and some overwhelm the person with excessive concern. Most of these reactions come not from ill will but from uncertainty and a feeling of awkwardness. For someone who wants to support a colleague with a serious illness, the first step is to notice and manage their own discomfort, and then to focus on the other person's needs.

That is why support at work is usually made up less of grand gestures and more of small, respectful and consistent behaviour.

Supporting a Colleague With a Serious Illness: Basic Principles

Respect their privacy

Information about an illness belongs to the person themselves. If you heard about a colleague's illness from someone else, take care not to discuss it in the office, not to ask for details and not to spread the information. Conversations that begin with "Don't tell anyone, but…" seriously damage the ill person's sense of control. I have discussed what kind of decision it is, from the employee's point of view, to share an illness at work or not in the article on whether to tell your workplace about your illness.

Stay within the frame they set

Some people want to talk openly about their illness, while others want to keep the workplace free of it. The easiest way to understand how much they want to talk is to open the door slightly with a short, open-ended sentence and leave the decision to them.

Offer concrete help

The sentence "Let me know if you need anything" is well meant, but it leaves the responsibility with the ill person. Concrete offers that are easy to turn down work better: "I can prepare the weekly report this week", "Shall I take the client calls on your treatment days?"

Keep things normal

Your colleague still has the same sense of humour, supports the same football team and has the same professional curiosity. Rather than only mentioning them in connection with their illness, asking their opinion on work matters and including them in office jokes helps them feel they are still part of the team.

What to Say, and What Not to Say, to a Colleague With a Serious Illness

The sentences below are fictional examples; the aim is to see the difference in attitude in situations specific to the workplace.

Sentences you might do well to avoid:

• "What stage is it, what does the doctor say?" (Asking for medical details at work pushes the boundary of privacy.)
• "If I were you I'd resign straight away; health comes first." (It passes judgement on the person's own decision.)
• "Your work has landed on us, but never mind." (It may look like appreciation, but it creates guilt.)
• "Lucky you being on sick leave; I wish I could get some rest too." (It makes the illness sound like a holiday.)
• "Let's not give you anything heavy in the meeting, you'll only get tired." (It decides on the person's behalf and can exclude them.)

Sentences you could try saying:

• "I'm thinking of you. If you want to talk, I'm here; and if you don't, I understand."
• "I could keep track of this part of the project; would that suit you?"
• "Is there anything you'd like me to keep you updated on when you're back?"
• "We've missed you; your ideas are missing from our meetings."

Sometimes the most meaningful support is simply pouring them a tea too during a coffee break without asking anything, or asking, "Are you coming too?" when heading out for lunch.

Support at work means seeing the person without making the illness bigger; standing beside them without pity, but without leaving them alone either.

Keeping in Touch During Their Leave

During a long period of treatment leave, colleagues often fall completely silent so as "not to disturb them". This silence may be perceived by the ill person as being forgotten. On the other hand, constantly sending work messages stops them from resting.

To strike the balance, you can bear the following in mind:

• Short messages that do not expect a reply: "We've been thinking of you, get well soon. No need to reply." A message like this shows that the bond continues without placing a burden on the person.
• Small non-work updates: A photo from the office, a reminder of a joke the team loves, the new mug in the tea corner.
• A shared team card or video: A note prepared by the team at times such as Bayram (religious holidays) or New Year helps the person feel remembered.
• Share work information according to their wishes: Some employees want to switch off from work completely while on leave, while others want to hear about important developments. It is good to ask this at the outset.

Let's say a team in an accounts department sends their colleague, who has been having treatment for months, a short voice message at the end of every month: month-end closing was stressful again, the canteen menu has changed, the new intern broke the printer again. There is no work pressure in the messages, only the feeling "We haven't forgotten you." This small tradition helps their colleague not to feel like a stranger on the day they return to work.

Returning to Work: How to Behave in the First Weeks

Returning to work after an illness often brings both excitement and anxiety. On the one hand the person wants to get back to normal life; on the other, they worry about tiredness, difficulty concentrating, or how they will be received with changes in their appearance.

• Avoid over-the-top welcomes. Gathering at the door and applauding is good for some people but can deeply embarrass others. A simple "Welcome back, it's good to see you" is usually enough.
• Do not comment on their appearance. Remarks such as "You've lost so much weight" or "Your hair has grown back so nicely", however well meant, draw attention to the person's body.
• Make room for a gradual adjustment. In the first weeks, the workload may need to be reduced or working hours adjusted. These should be decided by the manager and the employee together; the colleagues' role is not to greet these arrangements with envy or gossip. You can look at the article on reasonable adjustments for flexible arrangements that can be made in the workplace.
• Spread performance expectations over time. Tiredness after treatment can last for weeks or even months. Expecting the person to return immediately to their former pace pushes them into feeling inadequate.
• Pass on what they missed, gently. Software that changed in their absence, new staff and changed client files can suddenly overwhelm the person. A colleague having a short "catch-up chat" with them in the first days gives them both information and the sense of being welcomed back into the team.
• Be understanding about treatment days. The person returning to work may still have check-up appointments or treatment sessions. On those days it is important to be flexible with meeting times and not to interpret their absence as "off again".

I have discussed the particular aspects of returning to work after cancer treatment in detail in the article on returning to work after cancer treatment.

Differences by age and career stage

Your colleague's age and the stage they are at in their career also affect what the illness makes them feel and what they need when they return to work.

A young employee: For someone in their twenties at the start of their career, illness brings the feeling "I'd only just started" and the fear of falling behind their peers. Someone in a probationary period or newly hired may be more inclined to hide their illness. It is important to make this person feel part of the team and not to belittle their worries about career development.

A middle-aged employee: For an employee raising children and contributing to the household income, the biggest worry is usually income and job security. Attitudes at work should not add to this worry; for example, gossip such as "Are they hiring someone to replace you?" needs to be prevented.

An employee close to retirement: An older employee may consider early retirement after the illness or fall into the feeling "I'm no use any more". Showing that their experience is still valuable, for example by asking them to mentor younger employees, supports their sense of worth.

The Manager's and Team's Role in Supporting a Colleague With a Serious Illness

Managers play a key role in determining how the attitude towards an ill employee spreads through the team. Protecting confidentiality, keeping in regular one-to-one contact with the employee, redistributing the workload fairly and keeping the team away from unnecessary gossip are the manager's responsibility. It is also important to see and appreciate the tiredness of the team members who take on the ill employee's tasks; otherwise a hidden resentment can build up and be directed at the ill person.

If one of the colleagues is also struggling during this process, for example because a close friend's illness reminds them of their own losses, it is important to recognise this and seek support when needed. Organisations' employee assistance programmes or HR departments can offer guidance on this.

Creating a shared language within the team is also useful. With the ill employee's permission, the team can be given only the information it needs: "Our colleague will be on leave for treatment for a while; this is how we'll share the work; you're welcome to send short get-well messages, but let's not ask about health details." A clear frame like this both heads off rumours and reduces colleagues' anxiety about not knowing how to behave.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Supporting a colleague with a serious illness can sometimes be emotionally demanding for you too. In particular, when someone you have worked alongside for a long time goes through a serious illness, it can trigger worries about death, loss and your own health. Support from a mental health professional may be helpful in the following situations:

• Thoughts about your colleague's illness noticeably affecting your sleep and work
• Intense and persistent worry about your own health
• If you have lost your colleague, grief continuing to strain your ability to function even after weeks have passed
• As the ill employee, experiencing intense anxiety, shame or hopelessness during the return to work

If you notice thoughts of ending one's life or talk of wanting to die in yourself or in a colleague, take it seriously; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is This Process Addressed in Therapy?

For an employee who has been through an illness, therapy can work on topics such as anxiety about returning to work, setting boundaries around privacy, deciding what to say and not say at work, and coping with the thought "I'm not as productive as I used to be". A cognitive behavioural approach can help identify catastrophising thoughts about performance and set realistic goals.

For employees who are supporting an ill colleague or have lost one, naming feelings, working with their own health worries and making room for the grieving process may come to the fore. For these issues, individual therapy can take place face to face or online in a way that fits around a busy work schedule.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I visit my ill colleague in hospital?

This depends on how close you are to your colleague and on their wishes. Asking by message before visiting is the most respectful way. If you are not close, a short message or a note sent by the team is usually more appropriate.

What should I do if my colleague is keeping their illness private and I have found out?

Do not share the information with anyone, and do not feel you have to tell them that you know. Keeping up your normal attitude leaves room for them to tell you themselves when they are ready.

I am tired of covering their work but ashamed to say so. Is this normal?

Yes, it is very understandable. The right person to tell about your tiredness is your manager, not your ill colleague. A fair distribution of the workload is necessary for both your own sustainability and the team's.

Should I never ask my colleague about their illness once they are back at work?

Never asking can feel to some people as though they are being ignored. A short, open-ended sentence ("How are you feeling, how is settling back in going?") opens the door slightly and leaves the rest for them to decide.

• #illness at work
• #colleague
• #return to work
• #patient psychology

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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